Hoped-For Headlines for 2023

 

If I had my druthers, we'd all be seeing headlines like these in the coming months.

All Viruses Vacate the Vicinity

27 Years Later, Bill Watterson Reboots Calvin & Hobbes

Twitter Fades Into Nothingness

Minnesota Finally Stops Taxing Social Security Income

Fred Basset Succumbs to the Will of the People and Ceases Publication

M*A*S*H Reunion Sees Hawkeye Delivering the Baby of the World's Oldest Mother...Hotlips

Self-Shoveling Driveways Now Economically Feasible

Political Ads Banned Until September 2024

Digesting Dr Pepper Burns More Calories Than It Contains

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1970s

 

There's just enough time left in the Christmas season to turn some of the biggest hits of the 1970s into seasonal songs of glad tidings.

Reindeer Keep Flyin' Overhead  -  "...and just like the elf whose feet are too big for his bed..."

Bridge Over Troubled Waiter  -  A song of comfort for waitstaff stressed out by all the corporate holiday parties

The Long and Winding Lights  -  "...that are tangled 'round my tree, will never all be lit, they just don't work for me, no"

Fire and Rein  -  The only two things that seem to have an effect on Rudolph's behavior

You Light Up My Tree  -  "...with lights red and green"

Joy to the World  -  "Jeremiah was a reindeer. Was a good friend to all. I never understood a single word he said as he took me to the mall."

How Can You Mend a Broken Toy  -  A lament by the Bee Gees

Thank God I'm a Drummer Boy  -  "When the work's all done and the sun sets low, I pull out my sticks and I really let it go"

Midnight Camel to Bethlehem  -  One of the wise men had a girlfriend he left behind. This is her song.

Cat's in the Manger  -  "And the cat's in the manger with no silver spoon; the little boy king's gonna grow up soon"

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1960s

 

The 1960s took us from bobbysoxers to hippies and the hit songs of the decade reflected that evolution. But one constant was the attempt to make a buck by selling Christmas records to the teeming masses.

Elf of the Road  -  A catchy tune about a workshop worker who walks away from the "man of means by no means" and hops a train to where "two hours of pushin' snow buys an 8 by 12 place to go."

Last Sleigh to Anchorage  -  "Take the last sleigh to Anchorage and I'll meet you at the igloo."

Son of a Drummer Man  -  Dusty Springfield celebrates the rum-pa-pum-pum that rocked a certain manger scene.

I Want to Pull Your Sleigh  - "Oh, Santa, say to me, for this Christmas day, Oh please, say to me, you'll let me pull your sleigh! I wanna pull your slay-ay-ayeeay. I wanna pull your sleigh."

I Got You Babe  -  Sonny & Cher sing a lullaby to the newborn king.

The Sound of Jingle Bells  -  "Hello Christmas Eve, my friend, I'm racing through you once again. Because I've got all of these gifts to buy. I wait till now, but I do not know why."

(I Can't Get No) Black Friday Deal  -  A bluesy lament of deep-but-rapidly-disappearing discounts.

Bethlehem Dreamin'  -  "All the trees are palms, and the midnight's clear. It's a silent night, but its full of cheer. There are angels singing 'bout good will to men. Bethlehem dreamin', about the way it was then.

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1950s

 

The 1950s saw the birth of rock and roll and will never be able to unsee it. There were some great tunes, many of which deserve to be almosted into the holiday hits they shoulda-woulda-coulda been.

Sock Around the Clock  -  Before stockings started being hung by the chimney with care, they used to be arranged around a family's grandfather clock.

Reindeer  -  "You ain't nothin' but a reindeer, flyin' all the time..."

Why Do Elves Fall In Love?  -  A terribly racist musical question

I Only Have Coal For You  -  "There is nothing I've missed, You're for sure on the naughty list, I only have coal for you. I'm aware of your ways, and you've only been good for two days, so I only have coal for you, dear."

Red Suede Shoes  -  From the years before Santa started using more weather-appropriate footwear.

Cranberry Sauce Hill  -  "I found my thrill..."

Wake Up, Little Jesus  -  The Everly Brothers wreak havoc in a stable.

Traveling Wisemen Blues  -  "I hear those camels comin', They're following a star, They're askin' 'bout a baby, Tell me, why've they come so far?"

Crying In The Manger  -  "You saw me crying in the manger, Getting scratched by all that straw, I know the meaning of diaper rash, My skin is red and rough and raw"

Johnny B. Herod  -  "Deep in the land of Judah close to Jerusalem, Way back up near the desert with the drifting sand, There stood a fortress which the folks were mighty scared of, Where lived a royal boy by the name of Herod, Who never ever felt secure in his skin, So he killed off all the babies down in Bethlehem."

Almost the News XXV

 

Real headlines. Unreal news.

Justice Jackson Is Making Herself Heard On Court
It turns out, she just needed to shout the tennis score a little louder.

Rhodes Advised Trump How To Stay In Office
"Do not go through that door to the hallway."

Seniors Strike Back Against Soaring Rents
A group of 12th-graders from a local high school is protesting the use of parental chaperones on their flight to Europe.

Russia Suspends Deal To Export Grain
Russian spokesperson, Vladimir Talkonavich, says the International Poker Championship will resume once they are finished shipping grain to other countries. 

It...That...Who Cares?: The 431st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Have you ever heard of a song having an identity problem?

Well I have, and its the first big crossover hit by Fats Domino, "Ain't It a Shame."

Right away, I'm pretty sure you're thinking I've made a mistake with that title. I'm pretty sure that you're pretty sure the song is actually "Ain't THAT a Shame."

And who could blame you, what with words like this:

You made me cry

when you said, "goodbye"

Ain't that a shame?

My tears fell like rain.

Ain't that a shame?

You're the one to blame.

According to azlyrics.com and the ears of anyone who has ever listened to Mr. Domino's record, those are the actual words.

However...

The actual title is "Ain't It a Shame."

IT??!?

The word it doesn't appear in the song.

Ever.

At all.

However...

The actual title is "Ain't It a Shame."

I guess if the song says its title includes it instead of that, then that will just have to do.

I mean...it will have to do.

And that's that.

Toilet Troubles

 

Over the summer months, Beloved and I took a few quick trips out of state. We had wonderful visits with family and friends.

However...

I encountered a couple public restrooms with signage that could easily qualify as Observed Absurdities™.

Behold:

I know this looks like a simple case of wanting to protect plumbing and keep the janitorial staff happy. What you can't know by just looking at this sign is that it was posted in an outhouse...a permanent pit toilet...a non-flushable hole in the ground with a seat. My first thought when I saw this was that "extremely difficult" doesn't really speak to the heart of the matter. How about "extremely disgusting" or "gross to the nth degree"?

Talk about restricted access! I'm pretty sure I've NEVER seen a disabled, elderly, pregnant child. 

I Have a Hate-Hate Relationship With Exercise

 

In a fit of all-too-fleeting health consciousness, I purchased lifetime access to an online exercise instruction site that promised to be quick and easy with short periods of high-intensity energy output interspersed with longer periods of low-impact activity. It sounded doable and was a reasonable price.

It also was a waste of my money.

But to be honest, it's not their fault, it's mine. When it comes to exercise regimens, I am about as unregimented as they come. Just can't turn it into a habit.

I've owned it for close to a year now and have never done anything beyond the 3-minute warm-up section. Of course, just that is enough to get me breathing with some effort and sweating with some gusto.

I can't seem to get beyond some of the goofy things the instructor says in an attempt to be encouraging:

"Awesome work."  -  Pretty sure you have no clue as to the quality of the work I'm doing.

"Really make sure that you're always breathing."  -  I'm paying for this stellar advice?

"Your back should be getting a little bit warmer here."  -  Oh yeah? And maybe your face should be getting out of mine right about now.

"Feel your core warming up as you pull your belly button in toward your spine."  -  If I could pull my belly button toward my spine, I wouldn't need to be exercising!

Still...I've heard that laughing has some of the same aerobic benefits as a good workout, so maybe this is helping after all.

Midnight Train to Frustration

 

It's hard to say anything negative about the 432nd greatest song of all time as recorded by Gladys Knight and the Pips, "Midnight Train to Georgia."

EXCEPT...

What if you read the lyric and think about Gladys trying to tell this fairly straightforward story of a guy who tried to make it in the big city but gives up, buys a ticket to go back home to Georgia, and his girlfriend makes the choice to uproot her life and follow him into the Deep South. It's a romantic tale, and Gladys wants her listeners to feel what she's feeling...but these three guys keep grabbing the mic from her and mouthing off in the middle of her sentences:

L.A. proved too much for the man
(Too much for the man, he couldn't make it)
So he's leaving a life he's come to know, ooh
(He said he's going)
He said he's going back to find
(Going back to find)
Ooh, what's left of his world
The world he left behind not so long ago

He's leaving
(Leaving)
On that midnight train to Georgia, yeah
(Leaving on the midnight train)
Said he's going back
(Going back to find)
To a simpler place and time, oh yes he is
(Whenever he takes that ride, guess who's gonna be right by his side)
I'll be with him
(I know you will)
On that midnight train to Georgia
(Leaving on a midnight train to Georgia, woo woo)
I'd rather live in his world
(Live in his world)
Than live without him in mine
(Her world is his, his and hers alone)

He kept dreaming
(Dreaming)
Ooh, that someday he'd be a star
(A superstar, but he didn't get far)
But he sure found out the hard way
That dreams don't always come true, oh no, uh uh
(Dreams don't always come true, uh uh, no, uh uh)

Gladys: Will you just shut the farnsworth UP?!!?

Observed Absurdities™ 58 - Don't Be Givin' My Cows No Hormones

 

Ever since moving UpNort to the Land of 10,000 Taxes, we have been spending less on milk by purchasing half-gallon plastic bags instead of gallon plastic jugs. Seeing bags of milk for sale was a little strange at first, but my desire for frugalosity outweighed my aversion to all things new and different.

Even though we've been buying our milk in bags for over two decades, it was just last week that I noticed this...um...interesting notice printed on the bags:

Farmer Certified rBST-Free*

*From cows not treated with rBST

Well, this certainly got my attention. What is this rBST of which we speak and why is it such a marketing-blurb-worthy thing to not treat one's cows with it?

According to the WorldWideWackfest, rBST stands for recombinant bovine somatotropin, a synthetic version of a growth hormone naturally found in cows that increases milk production. It is illegal for use in Canadian dairy cows, but is legal in the USA.

So, apparently, the Wisconsin-based dairy that produces the milk that FastStop sells in plastic bags is proud of keeping up with the Canadians. Well, yahoo-yippity.

Then I noticed a second asterisk:

There seems to be no evidence that treating cows with rBST has any effect on the milk being produced...other than the amount of it, I reckon.

So why brag about not treating your cows with rBST? It's like the dairy equivalent of saying "Our shirts have not been dried in machines." So what? As long as they're not sopping wet, I'm happy!

Pass the moo-juice, please.

#DepluralizeAFilm

 

I just saw the titular hashtag on Facebook and thought, "THERE'S a blog post for me to work on!"

Now...part of my personal turmoil is that, along with seeing the hashtag, I saw two answers, one of which I'm pretty sure I will not be able to come close to matching in cleverness. Methinks I'll save it for the end, so read on, MacDuff!

First off, the initial example from the aforementioned sighting: Jaw.

Now let's see what my own parallel thinking can come up with:

• The One Commandment
• Snow White and the Dwarf (Somehow, decreasing from seven to one makes this sound racier.)
• One Dalmatian
• Cheaper by the Single-Pack
• The Bad News Bear ("This just in, honey production reaches an all-time low. Oh bother!")

• One League Under the Sea
• Butch Cassidy All By Himself
• The Lord of the Ring: The One Tower
• One of the President's Men
• The First Sense ("I see a live person.") 

And finally, the winner from the initial Facebook post, showing a mastery of the English language and the esoteric knowledge of what a flock of crows is called:

A Crow on the Orient Express

Brilliant! 

J.R.R. Zeppelin?

 

A lot of people make a lot of noise about how the 433rd greatest song of all time, "Ramble On" by Led Zeppelin, is heavily influenced by the writings of J.R.R. Tolkein, specifically, The Lord of the Rings.

I beg to differ.

Did I say "beg"?

I did?

Well, negate that and replace that weasel word with something much stronger, like "rush" or "demand" or "the smell of week-old gym socks in the bottom of a duffel."

The source of my eagerness to rebel against the sweeping tide of critical opinion is the fact that only two lines in the song contain any specific Tolkein references:

'Twas in the darkest depths of Mordor, I met a girl so fair

But Gollum and the evil one crept up and slipped away with her

Firstly, the storyline created while using the Tolkien terms "Mordor" and "Gollum" is utterly foreign to The Lord of the Rings. So much so, lyricist Robert Plant later admitted to being embarrassed by the lines.

Secondly, the oft-repeated words of the chorus, "Ramble on," can easily be misheard as "Babylon" (a Biblical reference instead of a Tolkien one) or "Revlon" (an example of inappropriate product placement).

But mostly, I'm raising this stink because the song, "Ramblin' Man," by the Allman Brothers Band, doesn't show up anywhere on Rolling Stone's "500 Greatest Songs..." list and it just hurts my feelings that THIS song represents the verb "ramble" instead.

Flashes of Summers Forever Gone

 

Not only does the beginning of October signal the absolute end of summerlikeness and the beginning of the acceptivity of pumpkin spice-osity*, this time around the sun, I have been having flashbacks of scenes from summers in my personal past that have an extremely high likelihood of never being repeated.

• Stretching out on my back in the grass while a kitten stretches out on my belly
• Riding my bike around the countryside for hours with no helmet or shade-providing hat of any kind, no sunscreen, no water supply, and positively no supervision
• Coming home from a hard day's ride with a streak of tar splattered up the back of my white t-shirt
• Whiling away hours under a bridge, looking for frogs and tossing rocks in the "crick"
• Arranging bales in the hayloft to create two opposing castles
• Finding my brother's copy of The Naked Ape in said hayloft
• Reading the passing billboards while lying on my stomach in the over-the-cab bed of our camper.

• FlatulenceKing waking up early and driving us several miles further down the road while everyone else was still asleep.
• The bone-shocking difference between the cut-it-with-a-knife humidity outside and the meat-locker cold inside at my aunt and uncle's home in Orlando.
• Igniting farts in the driveway of that home with my brother and brother-in-law.
• Seeing our Illinois cousins once a year and being expected to behave as if We Missed Each Other So Much
• Feeling like summer was never going to end

_______
* He said, knowing full well that some flotsam of humanity have been pumpkining it to high heaven since the end of August, like Marty McFly Pete Townsending all up in the face of stunned teenagers in the Fifties.

Beatles...In...Spaaaaace!

 

What songs would be on the soundtrack album if The Fab Four had ever made a science fiction movie?

Well, first off, you KNOW the title tune would be Across the Universe. But then what?

• All You Need Is Oxygen
• Back in the U.S.S. Enterprise
• The Ballad of John and Jar Jar
• Can't Buy Me Dilithium
• Do You Want to Teleport a Secret?
• Fixing a Black Hole
• Good Day Saturnshine
• A Hard Day's Timewarp
• Here Comes the Sun, Get Ready to Disembark
• I Want to Clone Your Hand
• The Long and Phase-Shifting Road
• Lucy in the Sky With Photon Torpedoes
• Maxwell's Silver Android
• Nine Ten
• Sgt Armstrong's Lonely Hearts Landing Crew
• When I'm πr²
• With a Little Help From My Replicants

The film itself wouldn't have been much of a hit. The director couldn't get any truly dramatic performances out of the lads. They just didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

And You Thought Frankenstein's Monster Was Pieced Together: The 434th Greatest Song of All Time

 

The following is a #TrueStory, according to Rolling Stone:

"Mustang Sally" nearly ended up on the studio floor -- literally. After Wilson Pickett finished his final take at Fame Studios in Muscle Shoals, Alabama, the tape suddenly flew off the reel and broke into pieces. But the session engineer, the legendary Tom Dowd, calmly cleared the room and told everyone to come back in half an hour. Dowd pieced the tape back together and saved what became one of the funkiest soul anthems of the Sixties.

Of course, the thing that nobody wants to admit is that Dowd didn't get the pieces put together in the correct order. The song was originally a protest record about a particular condiment used at a local Asian restaurant:

"Dang That Ill Mustard, Lee!"

Maybe a Gift Horse's Mouth SHOULD Be Looked Into

 

Imagine my rush of excitement when I saw the word "Free" in the "Price" field of a listing on Facebook Marketplace. And I'm not talking about free firewood or free kittens or please-help-me-get-rid-of-all-these-zucchini. I'm talking about a pretty fine-looking 1968 Ford Galaxy!

And then I read the Seller's Description:

Looking to trade.  -  Apparently, the seller doesn't understand the meaning of the word "free". If I'm expected to trade something for your car, then you are not giving your car away for free, now are you?

Frame has been repaired. New steering gear box.  -  What part of "Clean title. This vehicle has no significant damage" implies that the frame has needed to be repaired or a new steering gearbox has needed to be installed?

Pumps are good but sheared [off] a bolt...will need to be replaced for it to work properly.  -  And yet there is "no significant damage"?

And here's the cherry on top...

Unsure of mileage; motor and tranny out of a '73 Torino.  -  So when you said "Driven 12,345 miles," you meant that's how far you've personally driven it since putting in a 49-year-old engine and transmission from a completely different car??!?

Let the buyer beware, indeed.

What Would Happen If...

 

What would happen if I just sat down at my computer's keyboard and let my fingers do the talking? You know, just do my best not to self-edit and let whatever's in my consciousness go ahead and stream out onto the virtual page.

Would I see something profound being produced? Would there be an unconscious insight brought into the light? Would some longing-to-be-heard nugget of wisdom appear, or would it be a heaping pile of nothingness suddenly given weight and volume?

The prevailing wisdom is to write what you know. So, Dewey, whaddaya know?

I know one plus one equals two. But wait, do I really know that? Really, I've just been conditioned to repeat that as a canned response to the equation. Maybe the Truth of the matter is that one plus one equals ravvadilly...whatever that is. I mean, the concept of one or two or eighty-seven is pretty subjective, right? Trace our so-called knowledge of numbers back in time far enough and you'll find some ancient ancestor just kind of making up all these words.

Right?

C'mon, just write!

How easily I am drawn into rabbit holes of sidetracks and cul-de-sacs and to-the-future wanna-go-backs.

Which brings up the question: Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?

I'm heavier now than I was in the past. I sure hope that trend doesn't continue. I mean, last weekend, I bought a couple pairs of pants and they had to be bigger than the pair I was wearing at the time. If I keep shopping like that, I'm going to need a bigger car.

Not to be confused with "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

All of which is to say that when I sit down at my computer keyboard to write...I really ought to have some kind of plan instead of just a stream of consciousness.

Right?

Thank You, Tea Leoni

 

Because of producing the music-centric podcast, Dewey's Jukebox, I have become acquainted with a little website called Songfacts. It's got thousands of factoids about thousands of songs and artists.

Its page on "Beast of Burden", the 435th greatest song of all time, has educated me on the mostly-improvisational origin of the words. It informed me, as if I didn't already know, that "some of the lyrics are less than meaningful and a little repetitious." It educated me about how Mick Jagger was burdened with leading the Rolling Stones while Keith Richards was wasting his life away with heroin, and this song was Keith's way of saying, "I'm back. I'm ready to share the load." It quotes Ron Wood talking about how he and Richards spontaneously wove their guitar licks around each other.

What it doesn't say is that the real lasting impact of the song is how it immediately pulls up the joyous memory of Tea Leoni dancing and singing in the shower in the fine cinematic experience known as The Family Man.

If you've seen it, you know.

W8ing @ Work = Rhyme Time

 

Sitting at a desk
To work, not to rest
Might not be the best
Opportunity to jest
While wearing a vest at your employer's request or behest

Just the thought causes distress and duress
So I'll drive to a music fest beyond the hill's crest
My ticket is free. I'm the promoter's guest.
(Lest you fear my tuneful quest renders me broke, poor, financially bereft.)

Soothing sounds are all I have left to heal the deep cleft that is torturing my breast
As I test which chest to wrest for some zest
In an otherwise dull, drab, dismal, dreary, depressing, and decidedly down-tempo day.

Right Now

 

I am currently--

Well, not concurrent with the time you are reading this, because it will get posted several weeks after I'm done writing it.

Or rather, it got posted several weeks after I was done writing it. (He said, speaking in past tense about something that hasn't happened yet.)

And just because I'll be publishing this  -  ahem  -  just because this got published at 5:07 Central on the morning of August 19, 2022, doesn't mean that's when you'll be reading it. Augh! Doesn't mean that's when you are reading it.

Right now.

At this moment in time when your eyes are sending electronic signals to your brain which get interpreted into shapes that represent sounds that are strung together in specific ways that your brain recognizes as words, which are symbols representing things and concepts and actions.

Whew.

Now, what was I saying? Or should it be what am I saying? Or what will I be saying?

Oh bother...

What the What?: The 436th Greatest Song of All Time

 

The more I write about Rolling Stone's list, "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," the more confused I get.

I'm not puzzled that songs I've never heard before are on the list when those songs are from the 90s and later. (I stopped paying much attention to pop radio sometime in the 80s.) But if the song was recorded in 1967, I expect to be familiar with it...since it's such a great song and all.

However...

Song number 436 absolutely befuddles me.

It was recorded in 1967, but not only had I never heard it before, I had never heard of the group that recorded it, namely, Love. Yeah, a group named Love from 1967 and they are a complete mystery to me.

According to Rolling Stone and songfacts.com, the song is a tribute to the composer's mother, who was a flamenco dancer. While I can certainly hear the Latin influence in the music, the lyric contains no reference to any mother figure I've ever encountered:

Yeah, I said it's all right

I won't forget

All the times I waited patiently for you

I think you'll do (just what) you choose to do

And I will be alone again tonight, my dear

Yeah, I heard a funny thing

Somebody said to me

You know that I could be in love, with almost everyone

I think that people are the greatest fun

And I will be alone again tonight, my dear

MAYBE the first verse could be sung by a long-suffering mother to her teenage son, but the second verse sounds more like a proposition than a frustrated sigh. Ole'!

And the title of the song puts me into an OCD-related spasm: "Alone Again Or".

OR WHAT?!!?

But maybe I shouldn't be surprised, what with Love's only song to make the charts in the U.S. was the Number 33 song, "7 And 7 Is".

IS WHAT?!!?

#RuinASimonAndGarfunkelSong

 

What if Simon and Garfunkel's choice of song titles was just a little bit off? How much difference would have spelled the difference between success and failure?

A Pound of Silence  -  A strange little ditty about 16 ounces of cotton balls

I Am a Sock  -  "A winter's day in a deep and dark clothes dryer, I am alone."

Scarborough Fare  -  "Are you paying the Scarborough fare? Drive yourself and take far less time."

Homeward Hound  -  A first-canine narrative about a dog sniffing his way back to his owner

At the Grocer's  -  "The celery will stalk you while the corn will lend an ear. Just a fine and fancy ramble down the aisles."

Fridge Over Troubled Daughter  -  The sad tale of a parent opting to keep a household appliance instead of dealing with their delinquent teenager

My Boxers  -  "I am just a poor boy and my underwear is torn."

Observed Absurdities™ 57 - All of a Sudden I'm Not Hungry

 

Saw the following on my grocer's shelf and couldn't quite believe it:

What's the best way to prepare this? Add a little peppermint to each patty?

Anybody else thinking of Soylent Green?

And shouldn't there be a warning label? CAUTION: May contain peanuts.

The Greatest Jingle?

 

"Love Me Tender" is the theme song from Elvis' first movie.

It also happens to be, according to Rolling Stone, the 437th greatest song of all time.

But that's not all!

It also marks the first time Elvis sang in his soft voice, accompanied only by an acoustic guitar.

And oh yeah... it copies the melody of the Civil War-era ballad, "Aura Lee." (Yet somehow escapes the legal battles that were unleashed against George Harrison for "My Sweet Lord" and its far-more-subtle similarities to "He's So Fine.")

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Hey, as long as we're stealing melody lines, why not use it to advertise a dating app?

Love me Tinder

Love me sweet

Swipe me to the right

You have made this app so neat

It fills each lonely night

Love me Tinder

Love me true

Don't filter your profile shot

For my darling, I'll bust you

If you're just a 'bot

You're Not Being Paranoid If They're Actually Watching You

 

One of the side effects of getting to be a certain age in the midst of a pandemic is an increase in one's meals being of the carry out variety. Disposable cash and lack of cooking initiative form kind of a perfect duo to make driving to a restaurant only to pick up your order and take it home a decidedly-less-than-rare occurrence.

I had kind of a creepy experience the other day while waiting for our Chicken Fajitas and Pollo con Chorizo.

There I stood in the area usually used by patrons waiting to be seated and the hairs on the back of my neck started calling attention to themselves. I had a distinct feeling that I was being watched.

And then I saw it.

"Watched" doesn't cover it. "Stared At" is more like it.

Perhaps even "Ogled."

"I've Got a Job for You"

 

Back when I was between jobs and surviving on unemployment and part-time hours at FastStop, I signed up to be part of a website where people would post available freelance jobs and people like me would offer their services. Need an officiant for your wedding? I was your man. Want somebody to proofread your Master's thesis? Hit me up.

However...

One of the posted jobs just didn't seem kosher:

"i have a research paper due by tomorrow night and i have to summarize 5 articles and just pick out stuff from the article that relates to my thesis its basically a lit review from 2-5 pages"

Would have been quicker to just say "Help! Can you do my homework for me?!?"

#TrueStory

How This Got to Be the 438th Greatest Song of All Time, I Will Never Know

 

The best thing I can say about The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog" is that it's less than three minutes long.

Forget that it has a single line of what pretends to be a melody that is repeated for every phrase.

Forget the words "now I wanna be your dog" that comprise 37.5% of the lyric.

What I'm really curious about are the first seven words of this trainwreck: "So messed up I want you here."

Does the singer want the person here to help him resolve his high level of being messed up? (I want you here because I'm so messed up.)

Or is the singer's desire for the presence of this person a strong indication of just how truly messed up he is? (I'm so messed up...I want you here. That's how stinkin' messed up I am!)

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...Part Third

 

...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

...Harrison Ford

...Benedict Cumberbatch

...Buzz Lightyear

...Elvis

What if Billy Joel and Willie Nelson Hooked Up?

In spite of the imagined son of Billy Joel and Willie Nelson looking like a poster child for state-required plastic surgery, I'm pretty sure that he would be involved in making some fine music.

• Always on My New York State of Mind
• Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Piano Men
• Forgiving You Was Easy in the Middle of the Night
• Blue Eyes Cryin' for the Longest Time
• Just the Way You Are Crazy
• To All the Uptown Girls I've Loved Before
• It's Still On the Road Again to Me

Thinking About John Cougar Mellencamp Makes Me Mad

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Pink Houses" is the 439th Greatest Song of All Time, and I don't know whether to brag about my personal connection to the song or explode in righteous fury.

Perhaps I should explain.

This song was inspired by an old man sitting on the porch of his pink shack and waving at John Cougar Mellencamp, who promptly waved back.

A simple beginning.

The recording of the song took place in a barn in Brownstown, Indiana just a few years before I moved there to serve as a youth minister. One day during my time there, Mellencamp attended the wedding of a family member of his at the church where I worked.

So much for the personal connection.

As for righteous fury...

A few years ago, Mellencamp performed at the Minnesota State Fair, and Beloved and I were in attendance. Also in attendance, and seated in the row behind us, was a slightly inebriated chap who apparently thought I paid several dollars per ticket to hear his running commentary on the quality of merchandise for sale at the fair and all the good times he used to have in high school.

I couldn't hear a word Mellencamp said from the stage, including when he sang "Pink Houses".

I have never before in my life been so motivated to hold a healing service in a public place by laying hands on a person.

Hard.

Fast.

Repeatedly.

Almost the News XXIV

 

Real headlines. Fake news.

City Council Member Running for Mayor
...because the mayor recently broke her leg

St. Paul Man Charged After Lakeville Shooting
Witnesses were amazed at the man's ability to take a bullet and just keep charging.

City Reopens Search for New Manager
Immediately after being hired, Benson city manager, Buck Trends, went missing. The search for him had to be suspended during the harsh winter weather but has now resumed, with expected highs in the 60s all week.

Planning for the Next 10 Years Kicks Off
...and the funeral is planned for next Wednesday.

First Wolf Pups of the Season Tagged
...and now they are It.

Mayberry Trek

 

Science Officer Barney Spock was studying the scan of the planet that USS Mayberry was orbiting. Captain Andy T. Kirk spun his captain's chair toward the half-alien.

"Watcha think, Barn?"

"Well, Anj, what you see below us is a rock: a large mass of lifeless granite surrounded by poisonous gas. There are no signs of any life whatsoever."

"Uh-huh." Kirk turned to Communications Officer Thelma Lou Uhura. "Anything?"

"I've tried every channel and I just can't get any response, Andy."

"Alright then, I reckon we can chalk this one up to the uninhabited list."

"Andy, Andy, Andy," Barney condescendingly intoned. "Don't you see? Any planet this quiet has got to be hiding something. I say we send a team down to reconnoiter!"

Security Officer Goober Pyle jumped into the conversation: "Hey, Andy, I think Barney's right! We need to really check this place out!"

Kirk: "So, you wanna lead a team to the surface, do ya?"

Goober swallowed hard and said, "Well, I kinda thought Howard might be a better choice for actually, you know, goin' on down there."

Just then, an explosion rocked the bridge, sending sparks flying.

Barney: "Uninhabited, huh?!? They just shot at us! Uninhabited my Aunt Matilda!"

Captain Kirk pressed the comm button on the arm of his chair. "Engineering. Report."

Gomer Scott's voice was high-pitched and excited. "Shazam! That almost knocked my socks off, Andy! I thought we'd done been hit by a photon torpeder but guess what?"

Silence.

"Go on. Guess."

Andy rolled his eyes and sighed, "What, Gomer."

"It twern't a torpeder at all! One of the dilithium crystals overheated and popped outta the reactor. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!"

"Any damage?"

"Nothin' a little elbow grease caint fix."

Pressing a different button, Captain Kirk addressed the ship's doctor. "Bones! Any injuries from that explosion?"

Dr. Floyd Lawson took a little while to respond. "Ohhh, Andy, everything is fine down here. Not so much as a hangnail. You know, it reminds me of the time..."

"Not now, Bones."

Things had calmed down a bit, so the ship's clerk, Howard Sprague, approached the captain's chair.

"Uh...begging the captain's pardon, Andy, but I've been wondering why Education Officer Crump spends so much time on the bridge."

Captain Andy T. Kirk leaned back as much as his chair would allow and drawled, "Well, I know she doesn't exactly fit in with all the fightin' and decision-makin' we do up here...but it don't exactly hurt a fella's eyes to see her around, now does it?"

Grumbling About the 440th Greatest Song

 

I'm usually pretty aware of what a curmudgeon I am and that my days of being on the cutting edge of popular culture are far behind me. Then I get smacked in the face with Stuph I Never Knew from 35 years ago.

A case in point is this descriptive paragraph about the 440th Greatest Song of All Time from the editors of Rolling Stone:

In 1985, Azor recruited fellow Sears employees Cheryl James and Sandy Denton, both from Queens, New York, for a music-school project. With the addition of Dee Dee "Spinderella" Roper, Salt-N-Pepa became the first female MCs to crack the pop Top Twenty when "Push It" was remixed by San Francisco DJ Cameron Paul.

School project. Addition of somebody named Spinderella. MCs being remixed.

Whatever happened to friends getting together in a garage and writing a song that makes it onto the radio and catches on and gets the band added to a tour of national recording artists with a gig on a network variety show when the song hits Number One and then breaking up when the record company makes demands?

Never mind.