What Was So Special About August 31, 2023?

 

It's not always the best thing for my self-esteem for me to look at the readership statistics for Almost the Truth.

We're a happy little family here, you and I. But most of the time, the operative word in that sentence is little. Over the course of almost 18 years and 929 posts, this blog has averaged 304 views per post. But that represents a high of 771 ("Pictures Inappropriate for History Books!" 9/15/2017) and a low of 55 ("#PutAnAnimalInASeventiesSongTitle Two" 5/24.2024).

In terms of how many page views happen on any given day, the number bounces around between 200 and 500, with a few valleys and peaks on either side of that range.

But then, August 31, 2023 happened.

On that fateful day, there were 41,272 page views here at Almost the Truth.

What the farnsworth??!?

What happened on that day that drove so many people to find solace in the chuckles found in this space?

I consulted onthisday.com and found the following headlines for August 31, 2023:

• At least 76 people died in a fire in an office building housing migrants and vulnerable people in Johannesburg, South Africa. [This might have caused an uptick in readers looking for escape, but 41,000?]
• A new computer model study suggested humanity was almost wiped out 900,000 years ago with just 1,280 reproducing individuals remaining [I believe the number you're looking for is 8: Noah, his 3 sons, and their 4 wives.]
• Two leaders of right-wing group the Proud Boys received lengthy sentences for sedition for their assault on the US Capitol [We all know THAT didn't last long.]

Unconvinced any of these occurrences could have caused such a spike in readership, I looked through the years to see if there was a significant event's anniversary that sent people to the comfort of my comedy.

• 1888: The body of Jack the Ripper's first victim, Mary Ann Nichols, is found in Whitechapel in London's East End [Nah. That's way too long ago for people to care about.]
• 1895: First professional football game: QB John Brallier is paid $10 and his team wins 12-0 [And team owners have been buying wins ever since.]
• 1897: Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, a device that produces moving pictures [Worth celebrating, but I think it would result in people going to the movies, not reading this blog.]
• 1946: Foghorn Leghorn, a Warner Bros. cartoon character, debuts in "Walky Talky Hawky" [Exactly what Edison had in mind, no doubt.]
• 1987: Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, directed by Martin Scorcese, premieres during TV special "Michael Jackson: The Magic Returns" on CBS [Hmmm...we may be getting warm here.]
• 2009: The Walt Disney Company announces it will acquire Marvel Entertainment for $4.24 billion

Back the truck up, stop the presses, and hoooooold on there! We have found the answer!

SNL, Disney, and My Cowbell Embarrassment

 

Apparently, I'm weird.

Well ... maybe unique is a better word.

Case in point:

Back in the days when Will Ferrel was a Saturday Night Live cast member, there was a particular sketch featuring Mr. Ferrel in a too-small-for-him shirt, playing cowbell as Blue Oyster Cult records their hit, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As the record producer, Christopher Walken repeatedly interrupts the recording to ask for ... and later, forcefully demand ... more cowbell.

It was pretty hilarious and even ended up being featured as a whole episode of the recent docuseries on SNL's 50 years of existence.

Okay ... now ...

Go back to the theatrical release of Disney's "live action" remake of The Jungle Book. I'm sitting in a packed movie theater. Mowgli is sitting in the orangutans' temple, which is strewn with found objects and treasures collected by the apes, about to meet their monarch, King Louie.

With the what-I-thought-was-common knowledge that Christopher Walken was the voice of King Louie, I saw Mowgli reach into the pile of stuph and pull out, with curiosity and confusion, a cowbell.

I laughed mightily.

I was the only one.

Apparently, I'm weird.

Rock-n-Roll Disney

 

What if some of the greatest rock acts of all time were bought out by the Walt Disney Company? (With thanks to Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic for the inspiration)

Fleetwood Mickey

Cindiella Lauper sings "Princesses Just Wanna Have Fun"

Winnie the Who

Tinker Swift

#MakeDisneySciFi

 

What if Walt Disney had been a science fiction fanboy?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Starship Willie  -  Mickey's first starring role as a swashbuckling intergalactic captain.

Snow White and the Seven Ferengi  -  ♫♪ "Whistle while you floss..." ♪♫

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Spock  -  Audiences found this one "fascinating."

Alice in Alderaan  -  "Curiouser and curiouser. It's getting quite hot. In fact, I think this place is about to explo--"

Davey Crockett: King of the Final Frontier  -  Fess Parker stars as the famous frontiersman wearing a tribble as a hat.

Peter Pandora  -  ♫ "What makes the blue man blue?" ♪♫

Transporting Beauty  -  An evil fairy's curse renders Auroa unable to stay in one place for more than two minutes without being beamed to a different location.

The Lightsaber in the Stone  -  "Whoso pulleth out this lightsaber of this stone and anvil and can get the blame thing to turn on is rightwise king, born of Darth." 

The Mechanical Mermaid  -  Ariel the Android runs off with a silverware manufacturing unit.

Beauty and the Transformer  -  ♫♪ "Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Megatron, with such a big dent in your rear. Every guy here wants to be you, Megatron, even when stuck in first gear." ♪♫

Inging the Movies

 

The following flight of fancy is brought to you by me having seen this graphic and immediately stealing the idea.

However...

I did NOT look at any of the comments where this was posted so I can be truthful in claiming actual authorship of the following flight of fancy.

Schindler's Listing  -  In German-occupied Poland during World War II, industrialist Oskar Schindler becomes a licensed realtor.

The Jungle Booking  -  A singing bear accidentally gets a gig in a VERY remote venue.

The Stinging  -  Paul Newman and Robert Redford put soap in Robert Shaw's eyes.

The Fox and the Hounding  -  A classic tale of a beautiful woman being stalked.

Monsters Incing  -  Mike and Sully are tattoo artists that kant spel.

The Helping  -  Racial tensions rise over who gets the largest slices of chocolate pie.

The Lion Kinging  -  A documentary about Simba's coronation.

Inside Outing  -  An adolescent has a picnic indoors.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ringing  -  Four hobbits, two men, an elf, a dwarf, and a wizard all attend a tinnitus-sufferer's support group.

#PutAnAnimalInAnEightiesSongTitle

 

Ah, the 1980s...slap bracelets, Reading Rainbow, video rentals, and singing about the animal kingdom.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Another Elephant Bites the Dust  -  Freddie Mercury at his PETA best

Manatee in the Mirror  -  ♫♪ "I'm starting with the manatee in the mirror. I'm asking it to swim this way." ♪♫

The Tiger Is High  -  Blondie sings about a big cat violating the controlled substance act

Mickey Mouse  -  ♫♪ " Hey, Mickey, you're so fun. Steamboat Willie's number one!" ♪♫

I Can't Go for Bat (No Can D0)  -  Hall & Oates refuse to make a trip to the exotic pet store

Jackrabbit and Diane  -  ♫♪ "Here's a little ditty about a bunny and a girl..." ♪♫

We Are the Squirrel  -  An all-star choir sing their support of rats with bushy tails

That's What Frogs Are For  -  ♫♪ "Keep hopping. Keep croaking. Knowing you can always count on me..." ♪♫

Snake On Me  -  A-ha's big hit that was used for the end title sequence of the 2006 horror film, Snakes on a Plane

Every Bear You Take  -  ♫♪ "Every bear you take, every fish you fake, every duck you drake, every cow you steak, I'll be watching you." ♪♫

Artificial Stupidity Recasting Star Wars

 

Using Bing's "more creative" chat feature to recast Star Wars

May the Fourth be with you.

A Star Wars movie poster using Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck, and Tweety Bird

A Star Wars movie poster using Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Wile E. Coyote

A Star Wars movie poster using characters from Disney's Frozen

Can you make BB-8 look like Olaf?

And oh my...how about making Olaf look like Darth Vader?

The Third and Final #MakeAMovieEdible

 

I just can't eat another bite.

There Will Be Blood Pudding  -  A story of family, religion, hatred, oil, and gross UK cooking

Filleting Nemo  -  Oh my, let's skip the description here, shall we?

Monty Python and the Holy Quail  -  "Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of ornithology."

Dial M for Mackerel  -  A former tennis star arranges the murder of his adulterous wife by blunt force trauma with a fish.

Lox, Stock and Two Smoking Bagels  - High-stakes poker at a local deli

Gone With the Rind  -  "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a lime."

Harry Potter and the Takeout Order of the Phoenix  -  A mythical bird rises from the ashes and gets the orange chicken.

The Sound of Mueslix  -  Sister Maria chews her breakfast with her mouth open.

Dead Poultry Society  -  "Seize the drake, boys!"

Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Bean Chili  -  And you thought being one of the undead was bad...

The Second #MakeAMovieEdible

 

Movies to get hungry by.

Gladcontainer  -  A former Roman General keeps his leftovers fresh.

The Fryin' King  -  Mufasa tries to teach his son everything he knows about being a short-order cook.

Quesoblanco  -  "Of all the Taco Bells, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine."

Hot Pocket Lips Now  -  Go on. Just look at Marlon Brando's face and tell me this doesn't make sense.

Drive-Thru Window  -  A photographer in a wheelchair spies on his neighbors from his job at a fast-food restaurant, and becomes convinced one of them has committed murder.

Crullers of the Lost Ark  -  "Indiana Jones. I always knew some day you'd come walking back through my door. Want a doughnut?"

Cocoa  -  Aspiring chocolatier Miguel, confronted with his family's ancestral ban on candy, enters the Land of the Dead.

Good Dill Hunting  -  A janitor at M.I.T., has a gift for pickling but needs help from a psychologist to find just the right spice.

The Waffle of Wall Street  -  "Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I have been a rich man and I have been a poor man. And I choose rich every bleeping time. Because, at least as a rich man, when I have to face my problems, I show up in the back of the limo, eating the best breakfast buffet money can buy."

To Grill a Mockingbird  -  Atticus Finch, a widowed lawyer in Depression-era Alabama, defends a black man against an undeserved negative restaurant review.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. IV

 

Ron Howard has included the place of conception in the names of his children (e.g., Bryce Dallas Howard)

The producers of Golden Girls wanted Betty White to take the role of senior citizen sex kitten, Blanche, but she refused, giving life to the dim-witted Rose instead. White said that Blanche would have been too much like her previous TV role, Sue Anne Nivens, on Mary Tyler Moore.

At the end of every episode of Glenn Campbell's television variety show, he said, "Keep the latch string out and the dog tied up, 'cause I'm coming home!"

Jerry Garcia (from the Grateful Dead) played the pedal steel guitar for Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's "Teach Your Children".

Disney should make A Frozen Christmas Carol. Here's the tagline for it: With Elsa as the Ghost of Christmas Future, the phrase "cold as hell" becomes literally accurate.

The Chinese word for "crisis" is comprised of the symbols for "dangerous" and "opportunity".

Debrief = The opposite of a wedgie

♪♫ Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man. Is he strong? Listen, bud, he's got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spider-Man! In the chill of night at the scene of a crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Welcomed, then he's ignored. Action is his reward. To him, life is a great big hang-up. Wherever there's a bang-up, you'll find the Spider-Man!♫♪

Gag Reel:

I used Bing's AI creative chat feature to create the above graphic of Elsa and Scrooge McDuck, but here's its first attempt:

And then I asked it to make Elsa look more threatening and Holy Farnsworth!

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. III

 

In The Wizard of Oz (1939), when the Tinman is singing "If I Only Had a Heart," there is one line sung by a female: "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" (Remember?) The actress who sang that line is the same one who voiced Snow White in Disney's Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs (1937).

For a few years in the early 2000s, 7-Up made a beverage called "dnL" that was like the opposite of 7-Up. Instead of being a clear, caffeine-free beverage sold in a green bottle, it was a green, caffeinated beverage sold in a clear bottle. It looked and tasted a lot like Surge. (I miss it.)

Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones but couldn't take the part because of his commitment to being Magnum PI.

The word for that icky feeling as if bugs are crawling on you is formication.

Mel Brooks has one line in his movie, Young Frankenstein. The sound of a screaming cat: "Mrow!"

Barry Manilow had a big hit with I Write the Songs. However, he did not write that song.

Painkillers don't work very well on people with red hair.

Freddie Highmore almost didn't get cast in The Good Doctor. The Powers That Be said they were looking for someone around 25. Highmore's truthful reply: "I AM 25!"

Almost Definitions V

Even still more yet from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Tabaret (n)  -  Popular movie musital scarring Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles and Joel Grey as the Mascer of Teremonies.

Tabbed (clause)  -  Where folks go at night when they're tired.

Tailored (n)  -  What a male cardinal has, as opposed to a male bluebird's tailoblue.

Udders (v)  -  When a cow employs the faculty of speech; uses the voice to talk.

Umpteenth (adj)  -  Having the appearance of being done by an unqualified person; "You really made this soup umpteenth! It tastes like a baseball official playing golf."

Vaccine (n)  -  A monthly periodical about Hoover, Bissell, and Dyson.

Wagon (adj)  -  Description of a sad, tailless canine.

Waltz (adj)  -  Belonging to Disney.

Xantham (n)  -  A stirring, loyalty-inducing song played before every x-ray procedure.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

Zeal (n)  -  any of numerouz carnivorouz marine mammalz that live chiefly in cold regionz and have limbz modified into webbed flipperz adapted primarily to zwimming; often erroneouzly confuzed with a zea lion.

Almost Definitions II

These will make perfect sense to those blessed with parallel thinking.

Eager (n)  -  A person belonging to the generational group familiar with Walt Disney World's original alphabet-based ticketing system wherein a trolley ride required an A ticket and a trip on Space Mountain would cost an E ticket; traditionally, a person on the high end of that age range

Earthiness (n)  -  The condition of not having a thick hearing organ

Faceless (adj)  -  Having lost weight above the neck

Factor (n)  -  A very bad thespian

Female (n)  -  A girly brew of water and hops

Goblet (n)  -  A small gob

Habitable (adj)  -  The condition of an action or activity having the ability to become a habit

Hackberry (n)  -  A fruit so foul as to induce gagging and coughing upon ingestion

Hairball (n)  -  A grand evening of food and dancing sponsored by GreatClips®

Iambic (clause)  -  Statement of self-awareness by a ball-point pen

Icon (clause)  -  Response of a penitentiary inmate to the question "So, what do you do?"

Headlines to Hope For in 2019

What kind of happiness would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world if we saw these headlines next year?

Calvin and Hobbes Makes Glorious Return to the Comics Page

Twitter Cancels President Trump's Account

CNN is Replaced by Animal Fails Channel

Movie Popcorn Prices Reduced to Only Cover the Actual Cost

Fred Basset Retires #FredBassetMustDie

Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries and Smart Alecks Tops Best-Seller List

Moratorium Declared on All 2020 Campaign Coverage Until, You Know, 2020

Walt Disney Thaws Out and Stops Production of All "Live Action" Remakes

Make a Non-Christmas Disney Movie Festive

The Hallmark Channel was so pleased with last week's Christmasization of non-Christmas movies, now the Disney Channel has asked for my help as well...

• Snow White and the Seven Elves  -  The woodsman is replaced by an Inuit, who abandons Snow White somewhere near the North Pole.
• Dumbo the Red-Trunked Reinephant
• Cinderclaus
• Alice in Bethlehem
• 20,000 Grinches Under the Sea
• Mrs. Claus and the Tramp  -  This one might actually be rated PG-13 and released through Touchstone Pictures.
• The Sword in the Stocking

• Merry Poppins
• Honey, I Shrink-Wrapped the Kids
• Beauty and the Figgy Pudding
• The Lion King Wenceslas
• The Fruitcake of Notre Dame
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Magi
• Regifting Nemo

Observed Absurdities™ 41 - Does Disney Own EVERYTHING Now?

I was grocery shopping with Beloved the other day. (Translation: Beloved was shopping the other day and I was pushing the cart behind her and trying not to hit her heels.)

We successfully negotiated past the aisle-blocking displays of uniquely-shaped blobs of high-fructose corn syrup and arrived in the produce section. I was caught off guard by a particular brand of grapes, but managed to get this photo.

While I applaud the effort of the grape industry to entice preteen girls to add more fruit to their diets...I just don't get the connection. What is remotely grape-like about a Disney princess?

And really...do we want to associate any kind of foodstuff with an image of someone combing their hair with a fork?

Stupid Stories™: One Wish

I was shopping for a "white elephant" Christmas gift this week and found an old oil lamp at Goodwill that I deemed worthy.

I took it home, and as I was cleaning it up a little, an honest-to-goodness genie appeared!

"Thank you, master, for freeing me from the lamp," intoned the genie. "It is my duty and pleasure to grant you one wish."

As you can imagine, I was fairly shocked. "One wish?!?? What happened to three wishes? I thought a genie always granted three wishes! You mean to tell me that Disney's Aladdin isn't historically accurate?!?"

The genie shrugged his shoulders. "Hey, the economy's been in the dumper for a while now, you know? The union had to make concessions."

"Wow. Bummer."

"Tell me about it. So...what'll it be? Riches? Fame? A restored hairline?"

Doing my best to ignore that last suggestion, I said, "I know exactly what I want! Ever since Steve McGarrett first told Danno to "Book 'em," I've wanted to visit Hawaii. The problem is, I'm deathly afraid of flying, and just the thought of spending three days in a ship crossing the ocean makes me lose my lunch. But I like to drive, so Genie, I wish for you to build a road from California to Hawaii!"

The genie's eyes grew as big as pineapples, and he said, "Are you insane?!!? Do you realize how much concrete and asphalt that would take? And how many miles deep the pylons would have to go? Not to mention the environmental impact and needing to compensate for ocean currents...no...that's crazy...I just can't do it!"

I have to admit, I was a little disappointed, but I had a backup plan.

"Well, if that's too difficult for you, I've got something else I've always wanted...and I don't think it will take any manual labor on your part at all. You see...I've been married for several years, and I love my wife completely...but...well...I don't really understand her. It's not just her, mind you. All women are confusing to me. So I guess my wish would be to be able to understand women."

The genie got out a piece of paper and a pencil and asked, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge to Hawaii?"

Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?

You never know what might happen when SweetCheeks and I are together and somebody hits RECORD.

Like 98.7% of females under the age of 32, Granddaughter SweetCheeks has had "Let It Go" (from the Disney film, Below 32 Degrees) memorized for quite some time. In fact, we had just sung it together when she decided she wanted to do a different song for the camera.

And so, in the Christmas spirit of gift-giving, let me present my off-the-cuff parody, "Do You Want to Melt a Snowman?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSFUHEENk8A

It's a Christmas miracle!

I'm WHAT?!!?

I've done something like this before...searched the World Wide Wackfest for my name and a verb and published the sometimes goofy results. There has been "Dewey is" and "Dewey should" and "Dewey has" and Dewey wants" and "Dewey needs". Dewey, Dewey, Dewey ad nauseam.

I got thinking about those posts today (WARNING! Thinking is a seldom-attempted activity that may result in global catastrophe.), and wondered, "What would result from a search for my whole name?"

Thus, the grand investigation into "Dewey Roth is" was born.

• Dewey Roth is a real property lessor located in Cairo, Nebraska. [As opposed to a fake one]
• Dewey Roth is a private company categorized under Farm Land Leasing and located in Cairo, NE. [So, this guy has company-ized our name...clever.]
• Report for Dewey Roth is now available. [...for the small fee of $29.99.]
• Dewey Roth is an active United States & Territories grain, feed, hay carrier operating under United States Department of Transportation (USDOT) Number....
• My friend/mentor Dewey Roth is one of the funniest people I know. [Okay, this one really is about me and appears in The Disney Freak's Blog.]
• Mrs. Dewey Roth is general chairman for the affair. [I certainly hope MY Mrs. Dewey Roth isn't involved in an affair.]
• Mrs. Dewey Roth is chairman of the carnation sale. [Wow. This gal gets around.]
• Based on our current records, Dewey Roth is living in a Single Family Home, and is Probably a Home Owner. Our data also shows [sic] that Dewey's approximate age is somewhere betweeen 76 and Up. ["Up" is now an age? Or is that a euphemism for "Death"? In either case, this ain't me, babe.]
• Dewey Roth is on Sysoon. Personal death notice and detailed information about the deceased person. [Apparently, I've missed my own funeral.]
• Dewey Roth is living in United States. [Oh, come on...make up your mind, Internet!]
• Dewey Roth is on Facebook. [Well...I will be as soon as I post this, because yeah...I pretty much live there.]

Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!

13 reasons to stay in bed all day. Number 7 will make your ears fall off!

1)  Facebook is still letting all those idiotic people who don't agree with your politics post idiotic and non-factual articles from that website run by disagreeable, non-factual idiots.

2)  Your smartphone has more bacteria on it than your toilet seat.

3)  A black cat just walked under a ladder.

4)  Disney may be attempting a reboot of the Indiana Jones film franchise.

5)  There's a snake in the sewer lines under your house.

6)  Pretty sure that green, fuzzy thing in your fridge has started throbbing.

7)  Justin Bieber is releasing a new song today.

8)  Valentine chocolate won't go on clearance until Sunday.

9)  Your cable just went out.

10)  Kim Kardashian.

11)  Fred Basset is still being published.

12)  There's a bad moon on the rise.

13)  Your identity got stolen, but they lost interest and gave it back.