The Wonderful Wizard of Darth

 

Princess Leia returned from her learning pod only to find Almira Vader attempting to abscond with her favorite droid, R2-Toto2.

Almira Vader: I want to see you and your wife right away about Leia.
Uncle Owen: Leia? Well, what has Leia done?
Almira Vader: What's she done? I'm all but lame from the zap on my leg!
Uncle Owen: You mean she zapped you?
Almira Vader: No, her droid!
Uncle Owen: Oh, she zapped her droid, eh?

During Leia's attempt to run away from the whole situation, she was swept into a black hole, along with several chickens, wamp rats, and Miss Vader herself.

Upon gaining consciousness in a bright, Technicolor land of Ewoks and talking apple trees, Princess Leia soon made friends with a ragtag trio of misfits: Luke Scarecrowalker, Tin-3PO, and Chewbacca the Cowardly Wookie.

[Updated Update! Now The Truth Can Be Told: I started this post just so I could publish the picture of Miss Gulch on a Star Wars speeder, then I got interested in how A.I. would present the foursome. I like the Leia/C3PO/Chewie in the top pic, but prefer the bottom Luke/Scarecrow and simply HAD to show you the Emerald City with the Death Star and TIE fighters.]

What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.

The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Inspirational Science Fiction Westerns

 

Saw this sign at the library and thought, "Now THERE'S a fairly specific genre!"

How many titles could there possibly be on that shelf?

• Start with Why the Matrix Reloaded Rio Bravo
• Tuesdays with the Man Who Shot Mad Max
• Planet of the Blazing Saddles Less Traveled
• Back to the Purpose-Driven Assassination of Jesse James
• Star Wars: The Magnificent Seven Can Heal Your Life
• Butch Cassidy and the Last Lecture of Kahn
• Man's Search for Close Encounters of True Grit
• The Untethered Jurassic 3:10 to Yuma
• The Good, the Bad, and the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Terminators

Final Book or Movie in the Series

 

On June 19, 2023, as a #MondayMirth feature on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, I published the following comic, stolen from John Atkinson:

On June 19, 2024, when said post showed up in the page's Memories feed, I thought, "Maybe I could turn that idea into a whole blog post."

And maybe I did.

And maybe there's no better time to post it than on a Friday the 13th.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Percy Jackson and the Morticians

Spider-man 13: Spidey Gets Raid-ed

The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Mixed-up Assisted Living Meds

Star Wars: The Flatulence of the Wookies

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Guillotine

Back to the Future 4 (in which, Marty travels in time to the exact moment he reaches 88 miles per hour and is caught in a chronological Mobius strip)

Malnourished Bird: Hunger's Not Just a Game Anymore

Harry Potter and the Potions Class Fiasco

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Colon Cancer

Indiana Jones and the Myocardial Infarction

Artificial Stupidity Recasting Star Wars

 

Using Bing's "more creative" chat feature to recast Star Wars

May the Fourth be with you.

A Star Wars movie poster using Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Daffy Duck, and Tweety Bird

A Star Wars movie poster using Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, and Wile E. Coyote

A Star Wars movie poster using characters from Disney's Frozen

Can you make BB-8 look like Olaf?

And oh my...how about making Olaf look like Darth Vader?

The First #MakeAMovieEdible

 

The concept isn't originally mine, but the following executions of said concept are:

The Shawshank Reduction  -  A prison's population is reduced in volume through evaporation over a medium-to-high heat

The Codfather  -  A Sicilian crime boss launders money through his chain of seafood restaurants

The Dark Chocolate Knight  -  "I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the raspberry drizzle."

12 Hungry Men  -  A sequestered jury can't agree on what to order for dinner

The Lord of the Onion Rings  -  Well, this one can't be all that original, seeing as how I found this graphic on the World Wide Wackfest.

The Good, the Bad & the Sushi  -  "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who roll rice and kelp. You roll."

Star Wars: Episode V - The Potato Salad Strikes Back  -  Food poisoning in a galaxy far, far away

One Stew Over the Cuckoo's Nest  -  A precariously-placed crockpot threatens an entire hospital ward

It's a Wonderful Loaf  -  "Zuzu's sourdough!"

Back to the Buffet  -  The merry adventures of a time-traveling gourmand

Change One Letter and Create a Movie

 

Here I am, offering help to the screenwriters and producers of the world who seem to be positively desperate for ideas.

Hack to the Future  -  "Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a taxi?"

The Green Bile  -  A supernatural tale of everyone on death row getting sick

The Lizard of Oz  -  "Oh my, Toto! Tails regrow so quickly here!"

A Can Called Otto  -  You've heard of the John. You're familiar with the Biffy. You've experienced the Powder Room. Now meet Otto.

The Darn Knight  -  "These socks need to be mended and you're not going to stop me."

Star Bars Episode IV: A New Hope - Maybe Charlie Sheen won't get bounced out this time.

Schindler's Lisp  -  "Thith pin. Two people. Thith ith gold. Two more people."

It's a Wonderful Wife  -  Actually...this doesn't change the movie at all.

Tight Club  -  "The first rule of Tight Club is...nobody fits in Tight Club."

Saving Primate Ryan  -  The adventures of a small squad of zoo keepers looking for a lost chimpanzee.

Jews  -  "You're gonna need a bigger yarmulke."

Done With the Wind  -  Set in the waning days of the Civil War, an entitled Southern belle could simply not care less about an approaching tornado.

Observed Absurdities™ 56 - A Long Time Ago in a Toy Factory Far, Far Away

 

I invite you to imagine my dismay and confusion when I approached a large sign advertising the presence of Mandalorian-themed playthings and saw...well...saw THIS:

We've gone light years beyond Malibu Barbie, it seems.

"The waistline is strong in this one."

"I'm going to take the pink Corvette into Mos Eisley for some power curlers."

"This is the way. Way COOL, that is!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this bathing suit."

"Use the Force, Ken!"

#DropALetterCreateAMovie 2

 

Everyone in the Central time zone: (Happily nodding off to sleep)

Me: I wonder if I could come up with a blog's worth of funny movie titles by dropping just one letter from the title of a real movie?

Also Me: Sure you could. You did it over five years ago, you twit!

Everyone in the Central time zone: (Deeply ensconced in their personal REM cycles)

And Back to Me Again: Still...it's worth another go, right?

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hop  -  A band of plucky rebels create a dance craze.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Kin  -  Frodo and all his cousins move into Bag End.

Snow White and the Seven Warfs  -  The rightful heir to the throne escapes from her hateful step-mother and lives on a series of misspelled docks.

Jurassic Par  -  An escaped T-Rex does okay playing golf once a special set of long-shanked clubs is designed.

Harry Otter and the Sorceror's Stone  -  An orphaned semiaquatic mammal enrolls in a school of wizardry, floats on his back, and plays with a magical artifact.

Schindler's Lit  -  Polish industrialist's wild college days.

Pup Fiction  -  Benji writes a novel.

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pear  -  Havoc is wreaked upon the high seas when Captain Jack Sparrow eats some spoiled fruit.

Sheena Is a WHAT?!?: The 457th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Having been a radio disc jockey from the late Seventies through the early Eighties, I've always considered myself fairly well-versed in the popular music of that era. ("Well-versed!" HA! I crack me up!) And then I start working my way through Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time and find out how wrong my self-consideration is.

I had never heard the Ramones' "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" until just now when I listened to it on YouTube (see video below). 

It was released in May 1977, so I was probably too busy seeing Star Wars in the theater (seven times!) to have noticed the song's feeble rise to Number 81 on the charts. And that's too bad, because it's a catchy little tune reminiscent of the Surf Sounds of the Sixties.

I have two questions, though:

     1. Why did wearing your guitar so low that it required physical contortions to play ever become a thing?

     2. Why write a whole song about a female hockey fan?

"Sheena is...a puck watcher! Sheena is...a puck watcher!"

Off the Mark O Words

An excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Oakleaves (clause)  -  What an oak does when it is highly offended by the content of a conversation

OAR (acronym)  -  Oblong Aquatic Rearranger

Obfuscated (clause)  -  How Hans Brinker's friend, Obfu, got around in the winter

Obituary (n)  -  After January and February, the month with the most deaths

Objection (n)  -  In a court case, the point where damning evidence and desperation intersect

Obliterate (adj)  -  Having or showing knowledge of ob

Oblong (n)  -  Asian cousin of Obwan Kenobi

Oboes (n)  -  Least-appreciated instruments at mealtime; "Keep your oboes off the table!"

Obscene (n)  -  Any segment in Star Wars: A New Hope in which Alec Guinness' character appears

Obscure (n)  -  A method for treating a disease that no one ever contracts anymore

Grossest Films, Part Final

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the last 25...

Smokey and the Banjo (1977)  -  Burt Reynolds gets Jackie Gleason to squeal like a pig.
Beauty and the Baste (2017)  -  French girl learns to cook. ♪♫ "There goes the butcher with my roast, like always." ♫♪
Binding Dory (2016)  -  "Somebody got to nail dat girl's fins to the floor."
West Wing Story (1961)  -  ♪♫ "When you're the staff's chief, you're the chief all the way. From your first press conference till they haul you away." ♫♪
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind (1977/1980)  -  Alien primates fling feces at Richard Dreyfuss.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone (2001)  -  This, too, shall pass.
Wady and the Twamp (1955)  -  Elmer Fudd catches his wife with a hobo, even though they were being veeewy quiet.
Lawrence of Arabica (1962)  -  An epic tale of Larry the barista.
The Rocky Horror Spitoon Show (1975)  -  Wear your rain ponchos, friends. This could get messy.
Ricky (1976)  -  A Cuban boxer from Philly goes the distance. "Adrian! You got some splaining to do!"
The Best Tears of Our Lives (1946)  -  Three WWII veterans have a really good cry.
The Poseidon Ad Venture (1972)  -  A luxury cruise ship embarks on a daring public relations scheme.
The Lord of the Wings: The Fellowship of the Buffalo Sauce (2001)  -  How B. Dubs got its start.

Twister (1996)  -  Before Battleship, there was this game-based winner.
Men in Back (1997)  -  Pre-Rosa-Parks public transportation.
The Bridge On That River Guy (1957)  -  River Phoenix gets some dental work in a prisoner-of-war camp.
FormerTrans: Revenge of the Fallopian  (2009)  -  Gender fluidity run amok.
It's a Mad, Med, Mid, Mod, Mud World (1963)  -  Fun with vowels.
Sims Family Robinson (1960)  -  A computer-generated family learns to survive in the real world.
One Chew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)  -  A single-mother bird regurgitates the best she can.
M*E*S*H (1970)  -  It's the stockade for Hawkeye and Trapper John when they make the nurses' shower see-through.
Indiana Jones and the Shirley Temple of Doom (1984)  -  Loveable moppet is turned into a zombie.

Avengers: Age of Teflon (2015)  -  Government officials try to prosecute our favorite superheroes, but they can't get the charges to stick.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Scones (2002)  -  Anakin Skywalker throws hard pastries.
Boy Story 3 (2010)  -  Andy goes to college and lies to his mom about his relationship with the Kenner triplets.

Grossest Films, Part Penultimate

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the third 25...

Armenian Graffiti (1973)  -  Cruising the streets of Yerevan while listening to "Back in the U.S.S.R."
The Rube (1953)  -  A country bumpkin links a Roman soldier, his Christian love interest, and a Greek slave.
Pilates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Core (2006)  -  It IS possible to exercise yourself to death.
Around the Mall in 80 Days (1956)  -  The merry mix-ups that occur when a busload of Alzheimer patients are accidentally let loose in the world's largest shopping center.
Hambi (1942)  -  Rebooting the Bambi franchise; financed by the American Pork Producers.
Glazing Saddles (1974)  -  Krispy Kreme gets introduced to the Old West.
Catman (1989)  -  Bruce Wayne is terrorized by his aunt's feline obsession and becomes a crime-fighter. "Holy hairballs, Catman!"
The Tells of St. Mary's (1945)  -  St. Mary unsuccessfully competes in a poker tournament.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Bling (2003)  -  All of Aragorn's stolen jewelry is recovered.
Blinding Nemo (2003)  -  A small clownfish stares into a bright light just a little too long.
The Cowering Inferno (1974)  -  The strange tale of a frightened fire.
Brogue One: A Scottish Star Wars Story (2016)  -  "Aye, and I've got a wee bit o' a bad feelin' about this."
Cinderumbrella (1950)  -  A nasty stepmother burns a parasol.
Spider-Hand 2 (2004)  -  A boy gets bit by a radioactive arachnid and grows three extra fingers on each hand.

My Chair Lady (1964)  -  An English professor teaches a cockney merchant how to sit properly.
The Greatest Flow on Earth (1952)  -  A documentary about the Amazon.
National Lampoon's Hannibal House (1978)  -  This frat house is full of misfit cannibals.
The Pass Play of the Christ (2004)  -  A fantasy film that imagines what the NFL would be like if Jesus was a quarterback.
Hemorrhoid Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sit (2005)  -  It's time for the Jedi to stand up for what they believe in.
Bic to the Future (1985)  -  A wacky, old scientist sends a disposable lighter to 1955 and back again.

The Lord of the Bathtub Rings: The Two Showers (2002)  -  Multiple attempts to clean Frodo's hands and fingernails.
The Dark Knight Prizes (2012)  -  Batman hands out awards for excellence in raspy vocalizations.
The Sick Sense (1999)  -  "I see almost-dead people."
Supertan (1978)  -  Sidney Poitier's third outing as Mr. Tibbs. This time, he's faster than a speeding bullet.
Tootsie Roll (1982)  -  Dustin Hoffman returns as the cross-dressing soap star, but he/she has gained a little weight.

Grossest Films, Part Next-To-First

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the second 25...

The Godfarter (1972)  -  An origin story on methane emissions.
Forrest Lump (1994)  -  A mentally-challenged man gets breast cancer.
Merry Pop-ins (1964)  -  Four separate storylines about happy, unplanned visits.
Crease (1978)  -  An homage to those carefree days of being a tailor in the 1950s.
Marvel's The Extenders (2012)  -  A group of superheroes finds a way to stretch a single idea into several full-length features.
Black Panter (2018)  -  An homage to those stress-filled days of being an African-American tailor in the 1950s.
Blunderball (1965)  -  A collection of James Bond bloopers: "Shaken, not slurred."
The Dark Night (2008)  -  Ninety minutes of extremely underexposed film.
The Jungle Hook (1967)  -  The highly-anticipated sequel to Peter Pan where Captain Hook and the crew move inland.
Weeping Beauty (1959)  -  Prince Charming is unfaithful to Aurora.
Avengers: Infinity and Beyond War (2018)  -  The crossover blockbuster where Marvel meets Pixar.

Post-rusters (1984)  -  The horror-comedy about former SNL stars trying to keep full-bladdered dogs away from metal posts.
Shuck 2 (2004)  -  The ever-popular green ogre returns; this time, he learns how to prepare ears of corn for boiling.
Butch Cassidy and the Undunce Kid (1969)  -  Professional tutoring in the Old West.
Glove Story (1970)  -  An old-money Harvard man woos and weds a no-money, dying music student who never lets him see her hands.
Spider-Han (2002)  -  Harrison Ford stars as a space cowboy who gets bitten by a radioactive arachnid.
Independence May (1996)  -  How the U.S. might be different if the Declaration of Independence had been signed two months earlier.
Comb Alone (1990)  -  The sad tale of a barber with no customers during the Christmas holiday.
Storm Wars: Episode VIII - The Last Weathercaster (2017)  -  Luke Skywalker predicts his final rain of terror.
P. N. O'cchio (1940)  -  An Irish puppet turns into a real boy.

Flee, oh Padre! (1963)  -  Elizabeth Taylor stars as a beautiful Egyptian priest running from snakes.
Beverly Hills Mop (1984)  -  Eddie Murphy goes from swabbing the floors of Detroit bars to a high-class mansion-cleaning service in California.
Inedibles 2 (2018)  -  The continuing story of superheroes that normal people just can't swallow.
Coldfinger (1964)  -  James Bond battles a villain who kills his victims by freezing.
Hairport (1970)  -  A wacky comedy set in the world's busiest beauty salon.

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Grossest Films, Part First

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the first 25...

Groan With the Wind (1939)  -  A talkative stand-up comic from the South isn't really all that funny.
Vatican Wars: Episode IV - A New Pope (1977)  -  "The Force be with you." "And also with you."
The Sound of Mucus (1965)  -  ♫ "My nose is aliiiiive, and it's pretty runny." ♪♫
E. H. The Extra-Hysterical (1982)  -  A large-headed, turtle-with-no-shell throws a big fit.
TiePanic (1997)  -  A haberdasher stops at nothing to get his men's accessory samples off a sinking ship.
The Ten Condiments (1956)  -  A tasty movie about mustard, ketchup, mayonnaise, chutney, Nutella, olive oil, salsa, soy sauce, horseradish, and jalapenos.
Jews (1975)  -  Unusually large Holocaust survivors wreak havoc in a New England beach resort town: "You're gonna need a bigger yarmulke."
Doctor Chicago (1965)  -  The exciting prequel to Doctor Detroit.
The Extra Cyst (1973)  -  A young Linda Blair is tortured by a closed, bladderlike sac: "Mother! Make it pop!"
Betty White and the Seven Dorks (1937)  -  Iconic American actress is befriended by a group of social misfits.

Star Bars: Episode VII - The Martini is Shaken (2015)  -  Sean Connery's favorite watering hole knows exactly how he likes his cocktails.
101 PalMartians (1961)  -  A pair of very friendly aliens have 99 offspring.
Ball Wars: Episode V - The Umpire Hikes Back (1980)  -  After a spirited interchange at home plate, a baseball official takes a long walk to the dressing room.
Ben-Her (1959)  -  A slave in ancient Israel becomes the world's first transsexual.
Avatart (2009)  -  A genetically-engineered Na'vi body operated by the brain of a remotely-located human is quite the saucy wench.
Star Warts: Episode VI - Return of the Papomavirus (1983)  -  Luke Skywalker discovers a strange bump on his bionic hand.
Jurassic Prank (1993)  -  A rogue T-Rex pulls a practical joke on its unsuspecting victims.
Star Bore: Episode I - The Circadian Menace (1999)  -  Unending talk about midichlorians and politics puts everyone to sleep.
Pretenders: Endgame (2019)  -  Large group of big-name actors becomes too expensive to continue popular film franchise.
The Lying King (1994)  -  A politician will say whatever it takes to retain power.

The Sling (1973)  -  Newman & Redford star as a couple of conmen pretending to have been injured in a minor accident.
Raters of the Lost Ark (1981)  -  Siskel and Ebert give Noah's boat two thumbs up.
The Gradually (1967)  -  It takes a while, but Dustin Hoffman eventually realizes Mrs. Robinson is on the prowl.

Fan Asia (1940)  -  Temperature regulation goes old-school from China to Vietnam, all set to classical music.
Jurassic Whirled (2015)  -  Dinosaurs take over a theme park and get sick riding the octopus.

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

• Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
• Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
• Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
• Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
• Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
• Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
• Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
• Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
• While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
• Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

• Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
• Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
• Raiders of the Lost Ornament
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
• Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

#DrPepperPlotlines

What if The Powers That Be in Hollyweird were, like me, obsessed with Dr Pepper?

Dr Pepper Superstar  -  ♫♪ Dr Pepper...Dr Pepper...It's really cool how you cured that leper...Dr Pepper...Superstar...I am amazed how you raised the bar ♪♫

Dr Pepper of Oz  -  "Just take three gulps and belch 'There's no place like home'!"

Dr Pepper Wars: A New Formula  -  The evil Mr Pibb empire tries to overtake the soft drink market. "Dr Pepper, you're our only hope."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dr Pepper  -  An inter-school competition turns into a fight for life as Harry almost loses access to the soda fountain.

March of the Dr Pepper  -  A documentary on the making of The Wine of Waco.

The Count of Monte Pepper  -  Revenge never tasted so sweet.

Dr Pepper of the Lost Ark  -  Indiana Jones is in for a surprise when he opens his latest find.

Dr Pepper Runner  -  It's a dystopian future, indeed, when rural folks in Tennesee have to illegally transport their favorite soft drink.

Cool Hand Dr Pepper  -  "What we have here is failure to carbonate."

When Harry Met Dr Pepper  -  "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

What My Phone Thinks I Want to Say

It's called "predictive text" and when you let your phone do the typing, it's amazing / interesting / surprising / embarassing / confounding what gets written:

• My first attempt to get my first job in a week and I got my own little league of cards.
• Why would you want to make this happen to us if you don't think we are going to be able to make a good thing?
• How often is this place in my head and the way to the church is the only way to go?
• I'm sure you're not going through the rest of your weekend but I hope you're having a wonderful day.
• If I had to come to the doctor this afternoon, would you like to come over and see what I have?
• Maybe we should go get back with him or something.
• Please pray for my recovery from your recovery.
• Star Wars: I hope you're not feeling good about this
• Nobody knows what to say about the new version of this one.
• That's why I'm going through my Twitter with the same thing as a whole lot of the rest of the week.
• When you're done with the rest of your weekend and you don't need a good day, try to get your stuff together.
• My ex is a good guy but I'm going straight.

May the Fourth Be With You

Well it's one day a year

And you may think it's queer

But lots of things have happened on the fourth

A single day in May

But I'll gladly shout "Hooray!"

'Cause now I've got a blog post, of courth!

1415 - Religious reformers John Wycliffe and Jan Hus are condemned as heretics at the Council of Constance

1783 - Herschel reports seeing a red glow near lunar crater Aristarchus [Jim Beam reports seeing a red glowing nose in the middle of Herschel's face]

1814 - Bourbon reign restored in France [Not to be confused with a bourbon rain. Not sure what Jim Beam would think about that.]

1869 - Cincinnati Red Stockings play their first official game as the sport's first professional side against the Great Western Base Ball Club winning 45-9

1904 - United States begins construction on the Panama Canal

1904 - Umm Kulthum, Egyptian singer, born [I have no idea who this is. I just like imagining the scene in the hospital: "It's a boy! Congratulations! What's his name?" Ummm...]

1932 - Al Capone enters Atlanta Penitentiary convicted of income tax evasion

1944 - Gaslight, starring an 18-year-old Angela Lansbury in her film debut, is released [And was she ever a saucy young thing. You really should see it!]

1957 - Alan Freed hosts "Rock n' Roll Show" 1st prime-time network rock show

1959 - First Grammy Awards: Perry Como & Ella Fitzgerald win

1962 - Tracy Vaccaro, playmate (October, 1983), born in Glendale, California [Now hold on a minute. While I'm grateful to OnThisDay.com for being the source of all these important historical events, is this really a birthday of worldwide importance?]

1975 - Moe Howard [Moses Horowitz], American actor and comedian (The 3 Stooges), dies at 77 [Later that month, during my high school graduation, as a tribute, we all poked each other in the eye.]

1977 - Lispers everywhere are given a pun for the ages

1979 - Margaret Thatcher becomes the first woman to be elected Prime Minister of the United Kingdom

1984 - Dave Kingman's fly ball never comes down: stuck in Metrodome ceiling

2008 - Seth MacFarlane reaches an agreement worth $100 million with Fox to keep Family Guy and American Dad on television until 2012, making MacFarlane the world's highest paid television writer [A day that will live in infamy]

Dorothyize the Movies

You know how if you repeat a word often enough, it seems to lose its meaning and start sounding like just nonsense syllables?

Yeah, well, that happened to me when I was experiencing the alphabetized version of The Wizard of Oz that I told you about in last week's post. Dorothy's name became, in my ears, a laughable, nonsensical blurting of consonants and vowels.

So...consider what follows as my mind's twisted attempt to restore meaning to Dorothy's name by inserting it into popular movie titles and imagining what the plot would be.

• Dorothy Gale and the Sorcerer's Stone  -  A Kansas farm girl finds out she wasn't being truthful when she said, "I'm not a witch at all."
• Cool Hand Dorothy  -  In prison for killing two green-skinned sisters, Dorothy learns that "what he have here is...failure to properly douse a fire."
• Indiana Dorothy and the Last Crusade  -  While searching for a way back to Kansas, Doctor Gale has to decide whether she truly believes there's no place like home.
• The Dorothy Redemption  -  Our favorite heroine escapes the Wicked Witch of the West's castle by digging a tunnel and hiding it behind a poster of Clark Gable.

• Dorothy Club  -  "The first rule of Dorothy Club is..."
• It's a Wonderful Dorothy  -  A flying monkey shows Dorothy what Oz would be like if she had never dropped a house on the Wicked Witch of the East.
• The Lion Dorothy  -  Uncle Henry kills Dorothy's father so he can take over the farm. Thinking she's guilty, Dorothy flees to Oz and dyes her eyes to match her gown. Hakuna Munchtata!
• Star Wars: A New Dorothy  -  Miss Gale is swept into a galaxy-sized conflict between the technologically-superior Winkies and a rag-tag group of Munchkins.
• Star Wars: The Farmer Strikes Back  -  Uncle Henry cuts off Dorothy's hand.
• Star Wars: The Return of the Dorothy  -  Dorothy cuts off Uncle Henry's hand.
• Dorothy Gump  -  Running and ping pong and AIDS, oh my!