Come As You Are: "Hey, It's Totally Safe to Come for a Visit. Honest."

 

In trying to understand the lyrics of "Come As You Are" by Nirvana (Number 445 in Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time), I thought it might be a good idea to go to the writer himself.

Kurt Cobain told an interviewer when asked about the second major hit off Nevermind, "It's just about people and what they're expected to act like. The lines in the song are really contradictory. One after another, they're kind of a rebuttal to each other."

Well now, let's see about that:

Come doused in mud, soaked in bleach

Can't say I've ever expected any person to act like that. But he's got the contradictory stuff down to a tee:

Come as you are, as you were

As I want you to be

As a friend, as a friend

As an old enemy

Take your time, hurry up

Choice is yours, don't be late

And then there's the whole "And I swear that I don't have a gun. No, I don't have a gun" that he keeps repeating and repeating. Sounds like "Want some candy, little girl? No, I'm not going to shove you in my van and drive away. I just want to give you some candy, some candy, some candy..."

Methinks thou dost protest too much.

Observed Absurdities™ 53 - Pollo y Carne es Muy Loco

 

I came across something while I was looking for something else and I'm thinking this is really something.

Behold the latest abomination to hit your grocer's shelves:

This raises a few questions in my questionable mind:

       1. Cluck'nMoo  -  Is this the sound these unnatural concoctions make if they aren't cooked all the way? Or is it the sound the consumer makes if they eat the whole box?

       2. Burgers  -  You DO know that if it's made from chicken, it's a patty, not a burger, right? You can only call it a burger if it's made from red meat (like beef, buffalo, elk, etc.)...or green mucus, I suppose.

       3. Grass Fed  -  Why would I want the source of my burgers to be recreational drug users?

       4. Beef & Chicken  -  Are there separate beef patties and chicken patties in this box, or is each patty a mixture of beef and chicken? Either way, there is absolutely nothing All Natural about this arrangement.

       5. Grown Without the Use of Antibiotics  -  So, as far as we know, these patties could be made from cows and chickens that were sick?

       6. Humanely Raised  -  Maybe, but then they went ahead and killed them, right?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dewey Answers the Answers to Airplane Passengers' Questions

 

If you've been wandering around the World Wide Wackfest for any length of time, you have no doubt come across clickbait articles like "20 Things Producers Tried to Hide About How I Met Your Mother" or "83 Life Hacks to Make the World a Better Place". They usually are great dispensers of disappointment and seem to be written by poorly-trained lemurs with very shakey grammar skills.

And it's not the actual "20 Things" or "83 Life Hacks" that I take issue with. What tends to tie my stomach in a knot are the couple sentences elaborating on those main statements.

Let me give some examples from an ad-distribution vehicle I recently read. The article was titled, "Pilots Answer 45 Questions All Airplane Passengers Have."

Right off the bat, you know I can't let that title have a free pass. ALL airline passengers ask these 45 questions? I've been an airline passenger several times and have never asked any of them...out loud. I may have wondered about, maybe, 6 of the 45, but never in a million years would I ever actually ask them. (Which may be why I clicked on the article to begin with?)

Well anyway, like I said, the questions themselves aren't so offbase, but some of the accompanying explanations...sheesh.

Which Citizenship Will a Baby Born on Board Claim?
This can be quite tricky, but there are options to consider. The first option is; the baby claims the citizenship of the country where the plane landed. Another is the country over which the baby is born.

Then of course there are the two obvious answers: 1) How about the citizenship of the parents, and 2) Since when do babies claim anything about themselves?

Does the Toilet Content Drop into Oceans?
Many believe that because a plane has to be light in weight, the toilet waste can't and won't be stored. So, some assume that all the waste generated by passengers will be disposed into the clouds to avoid excessive weight.

What does weight have to do with this? I'm pretty sure that whatever is being put into an airplane's toilet is already on the airplane. Do people think when they go to the restroom they are magically creating mass that wasn't already inside their bodies?

Can Pilots Have Beards, Mustache, and Facial Piercings?

Can you imagine a passenger reaching up, pushing the flight attendant call button, anxiously waving the attendant over, and asking this question?

How Long Does Oxygen Mask Last?
Oxygen mask in the plane is worn by pilots at all times. There isn't a need for passengers to wear one because the oxygen level in the plane is artificially balanced to allow good breathing. Should the cabin become depressurized at a high altitude, the need to use the masks will be become necessary to avoid losing consciousness. These oxygen masks can last for 10 to 15 minutes. During this period, the pilot would have reduced the altitude of the plane for proper breathing.

First of all, this question and its answer are prime examples of why I talked about poorly-trained lemurs earlier. Second of all, I'm pretty sure those plastic oxygen masks will be taking up space in landfills long after the human race is extinct. Third of all, I need to check with a pilot friend of mine about the pilots wearing masks all the time. Do you mean to tell me the cockpit isn't at the same level of oxygen and air pressure as the rest of the plane? Then why doesn't something drastic happen when the co-pilot leaves the cockpit to go to the baggage compartment for a smoke?

Do Pilots Sleep Inside the Cockpit?
Well, it's more of a nap than sleep. According to statistics, more than half of pilots have fallen asleep by mistake while flying a plane. The beauty of modern airplanes is that they can fly automatically.

Well, I just looked it up and the definition of napping is "sleeping". Also, I'm pretty sure the beauty of modern airplanes is that I will never fly on them again after reading this.

Mysterious Lyric

 

Out of the hundreds of thousands of songs ever written, for a song to make it onto Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time it has to reach an incredible level of melodic resonance and lyrical superiority.

For example, consider the words of Number 446 on the list, "Pressure Drop" by Toots and the Maytals:

Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah
Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah
Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah

It is you (Oh yeah)
It is you, you (Oh yeah)
It is you (Oh yeah)

I say, pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you
I say, a pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you

I say, when it drops, oh, you gonna feel it
Know that you were doing wrong
I say, when it drops, oh, you gonna feel it
Know that you were doing wrong

Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah
Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah
Hmm, hmm, hmm, yeah

I say, a pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you
I say, a pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you

It is you (Oh yeah)
It is you, you (Oh yeah)
It is you, you (Oh yeah)

I say, pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you
I say, a pressure drop, oh, pressure
Oh yeah, pressure going to drop on you

I say, when it drops, oh, you gonna feel it
Pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure
Pressure drop, oh, pressure, pressure
Pressure, pressure, pressure
I say, a pressure drop, oh, pre'
Oh, pressure, pressure
Pressure, pressure, pressure, pressure
Pressure going to drop on you, you, you
The pressure, pressure, oh yeah
Pressure going to drop on you

I must admit to a bit of confusion, though. I'm not sure if Toots is singing about a medical condition or the vital statistics of a submarine.