Friday, December 25, 2020

Almost the Nativity

 (For those who arrived late, this is a reprint from 2009...and 2011.)

I view the Bible as being 100% truthful and reliable...however...it doesn't always report 100% of what actually happened. At times, it uses figures of speech and poetic language and just plain leaves some things out. For example, what really happened between Luke 1:26-56 and Matthew 1:18?



Following the angel Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, and Mary's hasty, three-month visit with her kinswoman, Elizabeth, she returned to Nazareth and her betrothed, Joseph.

"Joseph?" Mary inquired, as she entered the carpenter's shop.

"Is that the voice of my turtle dove?" laughed Joseph as he picked Mary up and swung her around in joy.

"Careful, you glorified lumberjack." Joseph was a little confused about needing to be careful, so Mary continued: "I've got some wonderful news, oh hubby-to-be! I am expecting a child."

"That's a wonderful, positive attitude, my basket of flower petals. I, too, expect that our God will be gracious and grant to us the blessing of being parents." (Joseph was not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox.)

"You don't understand, my muscular ox. I am, even now, at this very minute, expecting a child."

Joseph tilted his head to one side, squinted, and slowly said, "Yea, verily...me, too."

Mary slipped her hands up Joseph's arms and cupped his face. "Let me speak plainly, oh He Who Is Strong of Arm and Thick of Skull. I'm preggers."

The light dawned excruciatingly slowly in the carpenter's mind: "Heyyyyy...what were you doing for the last three months, anyway? I thought you were visiting your cousin Elizabeth. Is there something in the water up there?"

"Joseph," Mary calmly interjected, "I am not pregnant by the effort of any man. God has placed this child within me."

"Riiiiiiiight."

Friday, December 18, 2020

Christmas Threats


It's funny what a simple typo can lead to.

When I saw this sign...


...who would have guessed it would have resulted in these thoughts?

  • You don't EVEN want to know what this candy cane is capable of.
  • ♪♫ Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Wrapped around your throat!
  • If I don't get some quiet around here, there's going to be more than CHESTNUTS roasting on an open fire!
  • I'm going to put you away in a manger.
  • Rudolph, if you don't get your nose outta my business, I'm gonna delight you.


Friday, December 11, 2020

If the Eagles Ever Made a Christmas Record...

 

...it would probably include songs like this:


BAKE IT CHEESY

Well I'm a-runnin' down the road, got a party to go to

Seven cheesecakes in my car


ITCHY WOMAN

Ooh, itchy woman, she's so scratchy everywhere

Ooh, itchy woman, she's got the woolen underwear


LYIN' DOWN

We can't help but be lyin' down

The meal's so big when you come around


PEACEFUL, EASY EGG NOG

And I got some peaceful, easy egg nog

And it feels so good goin' down


HOTEL AT THE NORTH POLE

Welcome to the hotel at the North Pole

Such a snowy place

With a tiny race

Yeah, there's plenty of elves at the hotel at the North Pole

At this time of year

You'll see Santa here




TAKE IT TO THE FAT MAN

You know I've always been a dreamer

(Hopin' for things to own)

And it's so hard to wait

(Can't seem to get a loan)

But the dreams I've seen lately

Need to be mapped out 'cause I'm so tapped out

I guess wishing is my fate

So drive me to the mall now

And put me in line

I'm gonna take it to the fat man one more time


Friday, December 4, 2020

Apparently, the Worst of the Best of the Beatles Catalog


"Rain" is the lowest-ranking Beatles song on the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" list published by Rolling Stone.

It also happens to be Ringo's favorite Beatles song. Go figure.


It includes one of the earliest uses of backward tape. Beatlephiles would want us to believe this was a creative epiphany that erupted from the musically-genius John Lennon or maybe George Martin. The #TrueTruth of the matter is that Lennon was stoned and accidentally put the tape on the machine wrong.

I'm not joking!

I'm also completely serious when I inform you that the MetroLyrics website must have thought they were being clever when they listed the lyrics of the backward section as:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yeht
Semoc niar eht fi
(Rain)
Niar
(Rain)
Senihs nus

I'm not joking!

It all kind of makes me want to tie a rope around a chicken before it can cross the road.

I'm joke knotting!