Here We Go Round and Round: The 382nd Greatest Song

 

SO MANY unanswered questions about "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.

What made them think they could make a six-second loop of an orchestral arrangement of a Rolling Stones song ("The Last Time"), create a four-minute song from it, and not give Jagger and Richards writing credit (which they were eventually forced to do)?

Why use a Stones song that had its own origin controversy? ("The Last Time" is very similar to a 1955 song by The Staple Singers called "This May Be The Last Time," but The Stones claimed it as their own.  -SongFacts.com)

Why does the video for the song consist of the lead singer walking against the flow of pedestrians on a busy sidewalk, bumping into people?

Why would the listening public of 1997 turn a song with a lyric like "You're a slave to money, then you die" into a Number 12 hit?

And last but not least, why would Rolling Stone magazine call it the 382nd Greatest Song of All Time?

What No One Tells You About Lazarus

 

In the Scriptural account of Lazarus, I am left with a burning question.

For the uninitiated, let me summarize:

Lazarus was the brother of Mary and Martha. The three of them were close friends of Jesus and apparently hosted him and his band of unschooled ruffians at the family homestead from time to time.

As the story goes (in John 11), Lazarus got sick. Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, hoping he would rush to their side and heal their brother, as they had seen him heal so many others.

Unexpectedly, Jesus didn't jump up, put on his sandals, and hightail it to Bethany. Instead, he waited until Lazarus died, THEN headed out.

He arrived four days after the funeral. They had already wrapped Lazarus up and put him in a tomb. In fact, when Jesus walked to the gravesite and asked for the stone sealing the entrance to be rolled away, Martha warned him that it wasn't going to smell very good. (I love the King James Version at this point: "Lord, by this time, he stinketh.")

But they did as Jesus asked and Jesus brought Lazarus back to life!

It's a great story, and is pivotal in the narrative arc of Jesus being despised and eventually killed through the efforts of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

But what never gets talked about...by John or any other Biblical writer...is the fact that Lazarus didn't stay resurrected forever. There is no reason to doubt that sometime after all these events, either because of old age, or persecution by the Romans, or getting sick, Lazarus died...again.

Which leads me to my burning question:

Is Lazarus the only person to be re-hearsed?

Police Report Creates Questions

 

'Tis a sorrowful thing to realize that local newspapers are dying off at an alarming rate. Where else could a person read a gem of a police report like I saw recently?

Officers took a suspicious activity call at 17XXX Gerdine Path. The homeowners reported an unknown male walking underneath their deck, attempting to take down their security camera. The male was wearing a face covering and a black robe. He left after unsuccessfully removing the camera. No suspect information at this time.

 

I have a few questions:

• What was suspicious about the activity call?
• If there is no suspect information, how do you know they were male? Or wearing a face covering and a black robe?

And the thing I'm most curious about...

How does one unsuccessfully remove a camera?

I can understand how someone could be unsuccessful in an attempt to remove a camera, but that's not what the police report says!

Sweet Mysteries of Life

 

...Well...maybe not so sweet...

via GIPHY

Why don't stores that sometimes have Quaker Oat Squares always have Quaker Oat Squares?

Who was the first to wonder about the chucking abilities of a woodchuck?

In the song Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, which came first, being foolish or being in love?

Why is minute spelled the same as minute? (As in, "It took me a minute to find the minute error.")

When I am inching my way backward out of a parking space, obviously unable to see if any other vehicle is approaching because of the cars parked on either side of me, why in the name of Farnsworth would you speed up to place your vehicle directly in my path?

Why is august spelled the same as August? (As in, "The august event will take place in August.")

And while we're at it, why do the words chew, chef, and chemistry all start with the same two letters but different sounds?

24,472 Days and Counting

 

According to Calculate How Many Days You Have Lived, today, being the 67th anniversary of my birth, I am 24,472 days old.

That's 3,496 weeks.

3,496 Monday mornings.

24, 472 instances of closing my eyes and entering the altered state of consciousness known as sleep.

If I've averaged eight hours of sleep a night, I have been asleep for over 22 years.

Then why am I always so tired??!?

If R. Kelly Wrote for Elmer Instead of Michael: 406th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Having been asked by Michael Jordon if he wanted to write a song for his movie (i.e., Space Jam), R. Kelly took on the task and ended up winning a couple Grammys for "I Believe I Can Fly."

But what if Elmer Fudd had posed the question instead of Air Jordan?

I've been hunting wabbits in the forest so wide
With my twusty shotgun by my side.
I tiptoe thwough the bushes so very sly
With a twinkle in my eye, I bewieve I can fwy

I bewieve I can fwy
I bewieve I can touch the sky
I think about it every day, as I hunt wabbits all the way
I bewieve I can soar, I'm an expert on the lore
I bewieve I can fwy, I bewieve I can fwy

I'll sneak up on that wabbit, oh so quiet
With my carrot bait, I'll ignite the wiot
With Elmer Fudd's skills, I'm the king of the sky
In pursuit of wabbits, I bewieve I can fwy.

I'll build a giant twap to catch Bugs in my wap
With a chuckle and a gwin, it's the wabbit's final spin
Thwough the air I'll glide on my hunting spwee so wide
With Elmer Fudd's gwace, I bewieve I can fwy

(Thanks, ChatGPT.)

Observed Absurdities™ 64 - Dairy Confusion at FastStop

 

In the 1950s, the laundry detergent brand Cheer advertised the enviable fact that it included a "blue-magic whitener". This led Allan "Camp Granada" Sherman to musically ask, "What does that blue magic whitener do? Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?"

I was reminded of that moment in advertising and pop music history when I saw the following sign on the freezer door at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/tobacco emporium:

Is this butter-flavored ice cream or ice-cream-flavored butter?

And the second item in the What's Wrong With This Picture category is the apparent pair of options I get to choose from concerning the price of this dairy delight.

Dear FastStop:

Perhaps you should consider hiring me as a proofreader instead of a cashier.

Dewey "IB4E" Roth

Observed Absurdities™ 62 - How Much Is a Slap on the Wrist Worth?

 

Beloved and I were shuffling through the security checkpoint line at the airport. (Not that we were preparing to deal cards to anyone, but it helped to pass the time.)

One of the informational signs posted along our journey caught my attention:

I understand the need to financially punish anyone attempting to smuggle a firearm onto a commercial flight. They need to be taught a lesson about the delicate balance between public safety and the right to arm bears.

But I've got a question: Why $14, 950? Did the TSA think, "Well, the fine has to be substantial enough to sting, but $15,000 just seems a bit of an overreach, don't you think?"

As if Kohls can trick me into thinking a shirt that costs $29.95 is a buck cheaper than one that costs $30.

What If a Band's Name Was a Description?

 

A simple tweet from @BryanONolan has sent me running and screaming into list-making mode:

Name a band whose concerts would be bizarre if, instead of the band, what was on stage was the thing the band is called.

Picture in your mind, if you will...

Red Hot Chili Peppers

Rolling Stones

Doors

Guns N Roses

Smashing Pumpkins

Scorpions

Heart

Nine Inch Nails

White Stripes

Cranberries

Eagles

Buddy Holly & the Crickets

Bill Haley & the Comets

Cream

Gerry & the Pacemakers

Vanilla Fudge

Iron Butterfly

Dead Kennedys

A Flock of Seagulls

and

one you should NOT picture in your mind

Barenaked Ladies

How Sick WAS That Pig?

 

One of my duties at FastStop, the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium I spend 14 hours a week at, is to stock the shelves with food items.

And when I say "food items," I am referring to things that corporate headquarters actually expect human beings to place in their mouths and swallow, whether for sustenance or pleasure.

One of those food items I frequently place on our store's shelves is dead pig meat.

Well, the marketing department at Oscar Mayer has devised a more-pleasant moniker and has labeled it ham.

The thing that concerns me is the required adjective in front of that term. Apparently, the pig this meat came from had some kind of disease that the finest vets in the nation could not conquer.

And I'm expected to eat this stuff?

Observed Absurdities™ 58 - Don't Be Givin' My Cows No Hormones

 

Ever since moving UpNort to the Land of 10,000 Taxes, we have been spending less on milk by purchasing half-gallon plastic bags instead of gallon plastic jugs. Seeing bags of milk for sale was a little strange at first, but my desire for frugalosity outweighed my aversion to all things new and different.

Even though we've been buying our milk in bags for over two decades, it was just last week that I noticed this...um...interesting notice printed on the bags:

Farmer Certified rBST-Free*

*From cows not treated with rBST

Well, this certainly got my attention. What is this rBST of which we speak and why is it such a marketing-blurb-worthy thing to not treat one's cows with it?

According to the WorldWideWackfest, rBST stands for recombinant bovine somatotropin, a synthetic version of a growth hormone naturally found in cows that increases milk production. It is illegal for use in Canadian dairy cows, but is legal in the USA.

So, apparently, the Wisconsin-based dairy that produces the milk that FastStop sells in plastic bags is proud of keeping up with the Canadians. Well, yahoo-yippity.

Then I noticed a second asterisk:

There seems to be no evidence that treating cows with rBST has any effect on the milk being produced...other than the amount of it, I reckon.

So why brag about not treating your cows with rBST? It's like the dairy equivalent of saying "Our shirts have not been dried in machines." So what? As long as they're not sopping wet, I'm happy!

Pass the moo-juice, please.

What Would Happen If...

 

What would happen if I just sat down at my computer's keyboard and let my fingers do the talking? You know, just do my best not to self-edit and let whatever's in my consciousness go ahead and stream out onto the virtual page.

Would I see something profound being produced? Would there be an unconscious insight brought into the light? Would some longing-to-be-heard nugget of wisdom appear, or would it be a heaping pile of nothingness suddenly given weight and volume?

The prevailing wisdom is to write what you know. So, Dewey, whaddaya know?

I know one plus one equals two. But wait, do I really know that? Really, I've just been conditioned to repeat that as a canned response to the equation. Maybe the Truth of the matter is that one plus one equals ravvadilly...whatever that is. I mean, the concept of one or two or eighty-seven is pretty subjective, right? Trace our so-called knowledge of numbers back in time far enough and you'll find some ancient ancestor just kind of making up all these words.

Right?

C'mon, just write!

How easily I am drawn into rabbit holes of sidetracks and cul-de-sacs and to-the-future wanna-go-backs.

Which brings up the question: Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the Earth's gravitational pull?

I'm heavier now than I was in the past. I sure hope that trend doesn't continue. I mean, last weekend, I bought a couple pairs of pants and they had to be bigger than the pair I was wearing at the time. If I keep shopping like that, I'm going to need a bigger car.

Not to be confused with "You're gonna need a bigger boat."

All of which is to say that when I sit down at my computer keyboard to write...I really ought to have some kind of plan instead of just a stream of consciousness.

Right?

Observed Absurdities™ 57 - All of a Sudden I'm Not Hungry

 

Saw the following on my grocer's shelf and couldn't quite believe it:

What's the best way to prepare this? Add a little peppermint to each patty?

Anybody else thinking of Soylent Green?

And shouldn't there be a warning label? CAUTION: May contain peanuts.

Hey, How's Come...

...people walk up to my cash register at FastStop, place the items they have carefully selected from throughout the store on the counter, make sure I didn't miss scanning anything, and then act surprised when they need to get money or a debit card out?

...the person who answers the phone at customer service always has to ask somebody else how to solve your problem? Why don't they just get that other person to answer the phone?

...people complain to the cashier about the price of gas as if the poor slob behind the counter has anything to do with the cost of anything?

...young women consider themselves social media influencers by wearing skimpy bathing suits and shaking their buttocks at a camera? Is this considered a marketable talent?

...after I buy something online, 87% of the ads that show up on the web pages I visit are for that very thing? Why are the advertisers wasting their money showing me ads for something they KNOW I just bought? (And yes, I know they know. I mean, if they know I was thinking about talking to Beloved about possibly looking at pictures of a product next month, then they know when I actually purchase something.)

Observed Absurdities™ 53 - Pollo y Carne es Muy Loco

 

I came across something while I was looking for something else and I'm thinking this is really something.

Behold the latest abomination to hit your grocer's shelves:

This raises a few questions in my questionable mind:

       1. Cluck'nMoo  -  Is this the sound these unnatural concoctions make if they aren't cooked all the way? Or is it the sound the consumer makes if they eat the whole box?

       2. Burgers  -  You DO know that if it's made from chicken, it's a patty, not a burger, right? You can only call it a burger if it's made from red meat (like beef, buffalo, elk, etc.)...or green mucus, I suppose.

       3. Grass Fed  -  Why would I want the source of my burgers to be recreational drug users?

       4. Beef & Chicken  -  Are there separate beef patties and chicken patties in this box, or is each patty a mixture of beef and chicken? Either way, there is absolutely nothing All Natural about this arrangement.

       5. Grown Without the Use of Antibiotics  -  So, as far as we know, these patties could be made from cows and chickens that were sick?

       6. Humanely Raised  -  Maybe, but then they went ahead and killed them, right?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Dewey Answers the Answers to Airplane Passengers' Questions

 

If you've been wandering around the World Wide Wackfest for any length of time, you have no doubt come across clickbait articles like "20 Things Producers Tried to Hide About How I Met Your Mother" or "83 Life Hacks to Make the World a Better Place". They usually are great dispensers of disappointment and seem to be written by poorly-trained lemurs with very shakey grammar skills.

And it's not the actual "20 Things" or "83 Life Hacks" that I take issue with. What tends to tie my stomach in a knot are the couple sentences elaborating on those main statements.

Let me give some examples from an ad-distribution vehicle I recently read. The article was titled, "Pilots Answer 45 Questions All Airplane Passengers Have."

Right off the bat, you know I can't let that title have a free pass. ALL airline passengers ask these 45 questions? I've been an airline passenger several times and have never asked any of them...out loud. I may have wondered about, maybe, 6 of the 45, but never in a million years would I ever actually ask them. (Which may be why I clicked on the article to begin with?)

Well anyway, like I said, the questions themselves aren't so offbase, but some of the accompanying explanations...sheesh.

Which Citizenship Will a Baby Born on Board Claim?
This can be quite tricky, but there are options to consider. The first option is; the baby claims the citizenship of the country where the plane landed. Another is the country over which the baby is born.

Then of course there are the two obvious answers: 1) How about the citizenship of the parents, and 2) Since when do babies claim anything about themselves?

Does the Toilet Content Drop into Oceans?
Many believe that because a plane has to be light in weight, the toilet waste can't and won't be stored. So, some assume that all the waste generated by passengers will be disposed into the clouds to avoid excessive weight.

What does weight have to do with this? I'm pretty sure that whatever is being put into an airplane's toilet is already on the airplane. Do people think when they go to the restroom they are magically creating mass that wasn't already inside their bodies?

Can Pilots Have Beards, Mustache, and Facial Piercings?

Can you imagine a passenger reaching up, pushing the flight attendant call button, anxiously waving the attendant over, and asking this question?

How Long Does Oxygen Mask Last?
Oxygen mask in the plane is worn by pilots at all times. There isn't a need for passengers to wear one because the oxygen level in the plane is artificially balanced to allow good breathing. Should the cabin become depressurized at a high altitude, the need to use the masks will be become necessary to avoid losing consciousness. These oxygen masks can last for 10 to 15 minutes. During this period, the pilot would have reduced the altitude of the plane for proper breathing.

First of all, this question and its answer are prime examples of why I talked about poorly-trained lemurs earlier. Second of all, I'm pretty sure those plastic oxygen masks will be taking up space in landfills long after the human race is extinct. Third of all, I need to check with a pilot friend of mine about the pilots wearing masks all the time. Do you mean to tell me the cockpit isn't at the same level of oxygen and air pressure as the rest of the plane? Then why doesn't something drastic happen when the co-pilot leaves the cockpit to go to the baggage compartment for a smoke?

Do Pilots Sleep Inside the Cockpit?
Well, it's more of a nap than sleep. According to statistics, more than half of pilots have fallen asleep by mistake while flying a plane. The beauty of modern airplanes is that they can fly automatically.

Well, I just looked it up and the definition of napping is "sleeping". Also, I'm pretty sure the beauty of modern airplanes is that I will never fly on them again after reading this.

Observed Absurdities™ 52 - Toys That Trouble the Mind

 

Right off the bat, let me give a big thank you to B-Rad DontWingDuck for observing today's absurdity and bringing it to my attention just in time for Christmas shopping. It has given me much to ponder...well...at least enough to create a post.

For any vision-challenged members of the congregation, allow me to describe the picture I now set before you. It is a plastic bag with a low-grade cardboard seal, upon which are printed words declaring the contents of the bag to be an ACTION PLAYSET featuring Godzilla (King of the Monsters) vs. Jesus (King of the Jews). The contents of the bag are proudly listed as Godzilla™, Jesus™, and Military Figures.

The size of the military vehicles and infantry personnel, in comparison to Godzilla, appears to be fairly accurate. It makes Godzilla look big enough to wreak significant havoc in Tokyo.

However...

Because Jesus appears to be the same size as Godzilla, that would seem to indicate the Christ the Redeemer statue that overlooks Rio de Janeiro is actual size.

I have a few unresolved questions:

Who trademarked Jesus?

If Jesus and Godzilla are duking it out, which one feels the need to involve the U.S. Military?

What match-ups did Forked Tongue Toys reject before deciding Godzilla vs. Jesus was appropriate?

• Mothra vs. Gandhi?
• King Kong vs. Abraham Lincoln?
• T Rex vs. Tom Hanks?

Forget trying to figure out cold fusion. Get me the answers to these questions so I can start sleeping soundly again!

When I'm Sixty-FoYIKES!

 

How the farnsworth did this ever happen?!!?

I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, content in the knowledge that Jesus loves the little children of the world. Not a care had I. No, not one.

Then suddenly, the morning after taking Abby Dormire home from our Junior Prom, it was the 64th anniversary of my birth. (Actually, this past Monday.)

• Where did this wife and four children come from?
• How is it possible that I have five grandchildren and one more about to make her appearance?
• When did my lower back start waging war on the rest of my body?
• How come there is a worn path in the carpet between my side of the bed and the bathroom?
• Ummm...
• What was I talking about?

Paul McCartney wasn't even 20 when he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four" and now he's 79.

I'm not sure why that sets me back on my heels the way it does...but it does.

He's My Sweet, So Fine Lord - The 454th Greatest Songs of All Time

 

Okay...it's no new thing to point out that George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" and The Chiffons' "He's So Fine" are for all intense porpoises melodically equal. The claim has even been held up in court, with the quiet ex-Beatle being found guilty of "subconscious plagiarism" and paying over 1.5 million dollars of his income from "Lord" to the corporation that owns the copyright for "He's So Fine", Bright Tunes.

Sounds more like a very bright lawyer to me.

It does bring several questions to mind, though:

• If the two songs are so much alike, why isn't "He's So Fine" somewhere on the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list, too?

• If "My Sweet Lord" is such a great song, why do I hate it when it gets stuck on an endless loop in my head? (Which it has been ever since starting this post.)

• If 1.5 million dollars is just a portion of George's proceeds from "My Sweet Lord" ... how much did he haul in for just this one song?!!? Hot farnsworth!

• What song should I subconsciously plagiarize as part of my retirement plan?

 

Open Mic Night in Gaza

The leader of my adult Bible study class generally is hoping to provoke thought, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning for me to be totally distracted with a single phrase from the story of Samson in Judges 14-16.

Most people are at least familiar with the story of Samson and Delilah and how she nagged her way into discovering why Samson was so stinkin' strong...which led to Samson being shaved, blinded, and put to work (grinding grain like an ox) by the oppressing enemies of Israel, the Philistines. 

The one phrase in the story that sidetracked my thoughts and kept me from hearing anything else the rest of the morning is found in Judges 16:25...

"While they were in high spirits, they shouted, 'Bring out Samson to entertain us.' So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them."

So...

What kind of act did Samson have?

"Hey! Thanks so much for inviting me here to your pagan worship. I understand you've really spruced up the place for the occasion. I can't really see any improvement, myself, but I'm okay with it.

"But seriously, there are some advantages to having your eyes gouged out. I mean, if the guy I share my cell with looks only half as bad as he smells, I'm okay with it.

"I'd like to sing a little ditty for you all. Billy Joel fans may recognize the tune...

"She's got looks that could kill

She's got words that entice

She wants to know secrets

She asks more than twice

Don't tell her the truth

Or you'll never be free

Yeah, she nags like a mule

But she's always Delilah to me

"Oh...she just yearns to know why

You can kill any beast

You are such a strong guy

Oh...yeah her body just rocks

But don't fall asleep

She'll be shaving your locks

"And she'll promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

She'll let you play games

With those slave girls from Sweden

But she makes sure her face

Is the last that you'll see

She's sly as a fox

But she's always Delilah to me

"I don't know if Delilah is in the audience, but I want her to know that I'm not carrying a grudge about her shaving my head when I was asleep. It totally negated my audition for the touring company of Hair, but I've got this great gig grinding grain, so I'm okay with it.

"Grain grinding is the perfect job for me, too. Just chain me to the turnstile and watch me go. I'm like the Energizer water buffalo!  Stepping in the surprise packages left behind by the ox in front of me is a different experience, for sure, but it's a good aerobic workout, you know? I'm okay with it!

"That's all I've got! You've been a great audience! Now, if someone could direct me to the pillars that support this whole building, I need to rest against them...really, really rest."