What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.

The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Final Book or Movie in the Series

 

On June 19, 2023, as a #MondayMirth feature on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, I published the following comic, stolen from John Atkinson:

On June 19, 2024, when said post showed up in the page's Memories feed, I thought, "Maybe I could turn that idea into a whole blog post."

And maybe I did.

And maybe there's no better time to post it than on a Friday the 13th.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Percy Jackson and the Morticians

Spider-man 13: Spidey Gets Raid-ed

The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Mixed-up Assisted Living Meds

Star Wars: The Flatulence of the Wookies

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Guillotine

Back to the Future 4 (in which, Marty travels in time to the exact moment he reaches 88 miles per hour and is caught in a chronological Mobius strip)

Malnourished Bird: Hunger's Not Just a Game Anymore

Harry Potter and the Potions Class Fiasco

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Colon Cancer

Indiana Jones and the Myocardial Infarction

Son of Change One Letter and Create a Movie

 

It was so much fun doing the father of this "son of" (click here to catch up), the entire staff of Almost the Truth has demanded a sequel.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Zoom  -  Everyone's favorite archeologist searches for a long-lost online meeting

The Loon King  -  ♫♪ "Hakuna Malutefisk, what a wonderful meal..." ♪♫

Casa Bianca  -  A filmed tour of the Spanish villa owned by the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Apocalypse Cow  -  "I love the smell of manure in the morning."

Django Unchaired  -  A former slave is not allowed to sit.

Toe Story  -  "To the shoe store...and beyond!"

Avengers: Infinity Car  -  The Avengers and their allies must be willing to sacrifice all in an attempt to create a vehicle that never needs fuel.

Good Will Hinting  -  "It's not your fault, but you're getting warmer...warmer..."

Zingin' in the Rain  -  Don Rickles performs no matter what the weather is like.

Scarfake  -  "Say hello to my little prosthetic!"

To Fill a Mockingbird  -  A documentary on the feeding habits of our fine feathered friends

Honey, I Shrunk the Lids  -  "Wayne! Why don't these fit the pots anymore?"

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. III

 

In The Wizard of Oz (1939), when the Tinman is singing "If I Only Had a Heart," there is one line sung by a female: "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" (Remember?) The actress who sang that line is the same one who voiced Snow White in Disney's Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs (1937).

For a few years in the early 2000s, 7-Up made a beverage called "dnL" that was like the opposite of 7-Up. Instead of being a clear, caffeine-free beverage sold in a green bottle, it was a green, caffeinated beverage sold in a clear bottle. It looked and tasted a lot like Surge. (I miss it.)

Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones but couldn't take the part because of his commitment to being Magnum PI.

The word for that icky feeling as if bugs are crawling on you is formication.

Mel Brooks has one line in his movie, Young Frankenstein. The sound of a screaming cat: "Mrow!"

Barry Manilow had a big hit with I Write the Songs. However, he did not write that song.

Painkillers don't work very well on people with red hair.

Freddie Highmore almost didn't get cast in The Good Doctor. The Powers That Be said they were looking for someone around 25. Highmore's truthful reply: "I AM 25!"

#AmericanizeAMovie

 

In honor of the upcoming Independence Day Neighborhood Explosion Competition, let us ponder the restructuring of some of our favorite movies to emphasize Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The Obesity Games  -  Katniss Everfull eats her way to victory.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of ICE  -  Harry and Ronald are detained at the border.

The Wizard of Odds  -  Biopic about the creation of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Pride and Prejudice  -  Uhhhh yep.

Singin' on the Train  -  A musical set on a cross-country Amtrack experience.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Greed  -  Famed archeologist, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr., stumbles upon a secret cult of hedge fund managers.

Saving Ryan's Privates  -  I.T. security in the porn industry.

Willy Wonka and the Undocumented Chocolate Factory Workers  -  Just exactly what is the immigration status of all those Oompa-Loompas?

Forest Dump  -  A documentary about secret stashes of old washing machines, Corvairs, and mattresses.

It's a Wonderful Lie  -  Political intrigue...or...business as usual.

Grossest Films, Part Final

What would the list of the 100 top-grossing films of all time (adjusted for inflation) look like if Almost the Truth had done the final edits? Here's the last 25...

Smokey and the Banjo (1977)  -  Burt Reynolds gets Jackie Gleason to squeal like a pig.
Beauty and the Baste (2017)  -  French girl learns to cook. ♪♫ "There goes the butcher with my roast, like always." ♫♪
Binding Dory (2016)  -  "Somebody got to nail dat girl's fins to the floor."
West Wing Story (1961)  -  ♪♫ "When you're the staff's chief, you're the chief all the way. From your first press conference till they haul you away." ♫♪
Close Encounters of the Turd Kind (1977/1980)  -  Alien primates fling feces at Richard Dreyfuss.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Kidney Stone (2001)  -  This, too, shall pass.
Wady and the Twamp (1955)  -  Elmer Fudd catches his wife with a hobo, even though they were being veeewy quiet.
Lawrence of Arabica (1962)  -  An epic tale of Larry the barista.
The Rocky Horror Spitoon Show (1975)  -  Wear your rain ponchos, friends. This could get messy.
Ricky (1976)  -  A Cuban boxer from Philly goes the distance. "Adrian! You got some splaining to do!"
The Best Tears of Our Lives (1946)  -  Three WWII veterans have a really good cry.
The Poseidon Ad Venture (1972)  -  A luxury cruise ship embarks on a daring public relations scheme.
The Lord of the Wings: The Fellowship of the Buffalo Sauce (2001)  -  How B. Dubs got its start.

Twister (1996)  -  Before Battleship, there was this game-based winner.
Men in Back (1997)  -  Pre-Rosa-Parks public transportation.
The Bridge On That River Guy (1957)  -  River Phoenix gets some dental work in a prisoner-of-war camp.
FormerTrans: Revenge of the Fallopian  (2009)  -  Gender fluidity run amok.
It's a Mad, Med, Mid, Mod, Mud World (1963)  -  Fun with vowels.
Sims Family Robinson (1960)  -  A computer-generated family learns to survive in the real world.
One Chew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)  -  A single-mother bird regurgitates the best she can.
M*E*S*H (1970)  -  It's the stockade for Hawkeye and Trapper John when they make the nurses' shower see-through.
Indiana Jones and the Shirley Temple of Doom (1984)  -  Loveable moppet is turned into a zombie.

Avengers: Age of Teflon (2015)  -  Government officials try to prosecute our favorite superheroes, but they can't get the charges to stick.
Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Scones (2002)  -  Anakin Skywalker throws hard pastries.
Boy Story 3 (2010)  -  Andy goes to college and lies to his mom about his relationship with the Kenner triplets.

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

• Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
• Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
• Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
• Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
• Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
• Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
• Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
• Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
• While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
• Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

• Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
• Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
• Raiders of the Lost Ornament
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
• Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

#DrPepperPlotlines

What if The Powers That Be in Hollyweird were, like me, obsessed with Dr Pepper?

Dr Pepper Superstar  -  ♫♪ Dr Pepper...Dr Pepper...It's really cool how you cured that leper...Dr Pepper...Superstar...I am amazed how you raised the bar ♪♫

Dr Pepper of Oz  -  "Just take three gulps and belch 'There's no place like home'!"

Dr Pepper Wars: A New Formula  -  The evil Mr Pibb empire tries to overtake the soft drink market. "Dr Pepper, you're our only hope."

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Dr Pepper  -  An inter-school competition turns into a fight for life as Harry almost loses access to the soda fountain.

March of the Dr Pepper  -  A documentary on the making of The Wine of Waco.

The Count of Monte Pepper  -  Revenge never tasted so sweet.

Dr Pepper of the Lost Ark  -  Indiana Jones is in for a surprise when he opens his latest find.

Dr Pepper Runner  -  It's a dystopian future, indeed, when rural folks in Tennesee have to illegally transport their favorite soft drink.

Cool Hand Dr Pepper  -  "What we have here is failure to carbonate."

When Harry Met Dr Pepper  -  "Yes! Yes! Yes!"

#AddALetterCreateAMovie

Look!

Out on the WorldWideWackfest!

It's a bird!

It's a plane!

It's the exact opposite of an earlier post about removing a letter to create a new movie!

• The Godfarther  -  An organized crime boss wins an idol-tossing competition.
• The Empire Strikes Black  -  A massive power outage on Tatooine
• Raiders of the Lost Park  -  Indiana Jones searches for a playground in Atlantis.
• Slaving Private Ryan  -  Human trafficking during World War II
• The Green Smile  -  Documentary about extreme dental cases
• Black to the Future  -  Eddie Murphy experiences time travel.
• Dine Hard  -  A New York cop can't get a reservation in an L.A. restaurant.
• 12 Hangry Men  -  A judge refuses to feed a jury until they come up with a verdict.
• The Good, the Bard, and the Ugly  -  A mysterious man, a petty thief, and William Shakespeare set off to find a pot of gold.
• This Is Spinal Tape  -  Instructional video on new surgical closure technologies
• Walk the Liner  -  The biography of a boy who delivers makeup
• Some Like It Shot  -  Not everyone prefers large glasses of alcohol.
• Jawas  -  The secret life of droid scavengers
• Troy Story  -  An animated retelling of the Trojan Horse
• Rebar Window  -  A man confined to a wheelchair watches life from his prison cell.
• Singing in the Train  -  A big musical set in the subway
• Jurassic Spark  -  The creation of fire
• The Princess Bridge  -  The royal dentist saves a smile.
• Gone with the Wined  -  A group of drunken friends gets lost.
• Stare Trek  -  Exploring the universe without blinking
• Return of Them Jedi  -  The Force awakens in Kentucky.

Indiana Solo and the Empire of Darth

This WOULD be an episode of Observed Absurdities™ except that these visual mash-ups are too cool.

"I don't care HOW big your light saber is!"

 "Death Star. Why'd it have to be a Death Star?"

Dr. Jones Takes Aim While Riding a Tauntaun

"Hey, I just met the best-looking archaeologist ever!"

"This seems to be from a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

#DropALetterCreateAMovie

I absolutely stole this idea from the World Wide Wackfest, but the specific content of this list is absolutely mine.

• The Princess Ride - Oh the angst of needing to decide whether to go side-saddle.
• Aws - A New England summer resort town is invaded by giant, overly-cute kittens.
• Hat Thing You Do - A local group of haberdashers temporarily hit the big time.
• The Lion, the Itch, and the Wardrobe - Four British children are transported to another land and rescue the citizenry from a severe allergic reaction.
• My Big Fat Reek Wedding - Pretty Dress. Stinky Flowers.
• Butch Cassidy and the Undance Kid - Two congenial villains in the Old West...one happens to be clumsy.
• Godfinger - James Bond on the trail of the super-villain who stole the Sistine Chapel.

• Bride of Spies - A beautiful widow marries her dead husband's CIA coworker.
• Gone With the Win - A Union soldier leaves town immediately after the end of the Civil War.
• The Ion King - The inspiring story of an orphaned scientist.
• Riders of the Lost Ark - Indiana Jones travels back in time to sail with Noah.
• Forrest Ump - A learning-disabled man officiates the World Series.
• The Greatest Sow on Earth - That's some pig.
• Lad and the Tramp - Opie Taylor befriends a hobo.
• Men in Back - A documentary about the origins of the dance craze known as "grinding".
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dom - Our intrepid archaeologist discovers a cult that worships comic actor, Dom Deluise. 
• It's a Wonderful Lie - George Bailey changes his town by starting a rumor about Mr. Potter.

AlmostBCs of Thankfulness

Angus Beef - Yummmm...
Black Friday - Thankful for being able to avoid this silliness (until my evening shift at JesusInc.).
CornNuts - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Don Rickles - Making sarcasm hilarious since 1953
Eagles - I can't tell you why, but when life in the fast lane takes away my peaceful, easy feeling and I need to take it easy...and that can happen on any one of these nights...I just look my witchy woman in her lyin' eyes, pop in an Eagles CD, and I feel like a new kid in town.
FredBassetMustDie - So very happy that SOMEbody recognizes that this "comic" strip is way past its expiration date. Just wish the newspaper would, too.
Gorillas - They remind me of my dad, FlatulenceKing.
Hot Dr Pepper - Thank you, Dick Clark, for turning me on to this soothing elixir of WeDon'tNeedNoCoffee.

https://youtu.be/qq9hNTUbtiE

Intellectual Conversa-BAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAA! Sorry. I couldn't even type it with a straight face.
Jukeboxes - Gotta keep those jukes contained, you know
Kansas City - Where everything's up to date.
Last Crusade, Indiana Jones and the - One of the five best movies of all time

Marshmallows - Roasting on an open fire; Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Noses - Glad our nostrils open earthward instead of skyward...can't imagine walking in the rain or taking a shower otherwise.
Orange Juice - Especially when enjoyed with a huge bowl of...
Popcorn - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Queen - The rock group that got me interested in science: "GALILEO! Galileo!"
Richard Dawkins - Proof that not all narrow-minded, bombastic jerks are Christians
Sex - I've been trying and trying to think of something else I'm thankful for that starts with S, but really...without this, none of us would be here.
Triscuits - The best salty-crunchy snack on your grocer's shelves
Undulate - The only word that does with Motion what words like splash and click do with Sound
Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl...need I say more?
Winks - That little sign assuring me the horrible thing you just said to me was just a joke
Xylophones - They remind me of lazy Sunday afternoons, making music at a friend's house...wait...that was a marimba...crud.
Y - Y knot?
Zebras - The best salty-crunchy snack . . .

Farewell to the Films

For the past 76 weeks, the Almost the Truth Publishing FaceBook page (See it HERE!) has been posting movie quotes on Monday mornings as part of #TheMorningGames (Read about it HERE).

Well...it's all come to an end.

There are no quotable movies left in the world, so Mondays are changing to #MondayMirth, when a short video clip (or some such nonsense meant to make a person grin) will appear at 8:30 AM Central.

In saying farewell to #NameThatMovie, I read through the list of 76 quotes. It's kind of a...well...weird experience; a mental montage of some of the most memorable words ever spoken for the benefit of a large group of people gathered in a darkened room.

The normal thing to say here would be "Enjoy!", but I think I'll go with "Experience this!"

• A few hours ago, you were giving chai for the phone walahs.  And now you're richer than they will ever be.  What a player! – Slumdog Millionaire
• Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy? – Stand by Me
• Alright, Sparky, here's the deal. If you wanna court the little lady ya gotta be a straight-shooter, do ya got it? – Aladdin
• And this... well, this is where I live.  It's got a disco, it's got a dune buggy, and a whole room just for trying on clothes – Toy Story 3
• Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
• Are you watching closely? – The Prestige
• Charging a man with murder in this place was like handing out speeding tickets at the Indy 500 – Apocalypse Now
• Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs... – Die Hard
• Cut me, Mick. – Rocky
• Do you have the slightest idea what a moral and ethical principle is? Do you? – The Shining
• Do...or do not.  There is no try. – Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back
• Excuse me, stewardess, I speak jive – Airplane
• Foreign contaminant! – WALL•E
• Get off my plane! – Air Force One
• God is a mean kid sitting on an anthill with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather burn off my feelers and watch me squirm. – Bruce Almighty
• Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! – The Truman Show
• He had a voice that could make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine, they made Sinatra look like a hobo. – Anchorman
• Here, picture this: A rustic hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet – Beauty and the Beast
• He's more machine now than man. – Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi
• Hey, I know a joke!  A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter and now I am dead."  Ha!  It is funny because the squirrel gets dead. – Up
• I can't carry it for you...but I can carry you! – The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
• I didn't spend six years on evil medical studies to be called "mister", thank you very much! – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
• I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. – The Silence of the Lambs
• I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. – Monty Python and the Holy Grail
• I draw...people smiling, dogs running, rainbows.  They don't have meetings about rainbows. – The Sixth Sense
• I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death. – Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
• I love the smell of napalm in the morning – Apocalypse Now
• I must be crazy to be in a loony bin like this. – One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• I never wanted any of you to die for me. – Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2
• I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." – Dumb & Dumber
• I work for senor psychopath now – Aladdin
• I would have followed you, my brother... my captain... my king. – The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
• I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of the curve. – The Dark Knight
• If it's truth you're looking for, Dr. Tyree's philosophy class is right down the hall. – Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
• I'm disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no". – Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
• I'm your density. – Back to the Future
• In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. – The Godfather
• Is there anyone alive out there? Can anyone hear me? – Titanic
• It's only when we wake up that we realize how things are actually strange. – Inception
• Kiss me as if it were the last time. – Casablanca
• Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. – Monty Python & the Holy Grail
• Love is too weak a word for what I feel.  I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two Fs. – Annie Hall
• "Love the jet.” “Wait’ll you see the car.” – M:I 4 Ghost Protocol
• Never again will I allow our political self-interest to deter us from doing what we know to be morally right. Atrocity and terror are not political weapons. And to those who would use them, your day is over. We will never negotiate. We will no longer tolerate and we will no longer be afraid. It's your turn to be afraid. – Air Force One
• No, I don't think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how. – Gone with the Wind
• Oh, look at me, I'm a flippy little dolphin, let me flip for you.  Ain't I something? – Finding Nemo
• Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's cooooold out there today. – Groundhog Day
• On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of His true miracles, what am I gonna say? That it was my job? My job? – The Green Mile
• Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. – Alien
• Plastics – The Graduate
• Pop quiz, hot shot. – Speed
• Po-tay-toes!  Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew. – The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
• Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... – Monsters, Inc.
• Say hello to my little friend! – Scarface
• So, eleven hundred men went in the water; 316 men come out and the sharks took the rest, June the 29th, 1945. – Jaws
• Stern, if this factory ever produces a shell that can actually be fired, I'll be very unhappy. – Schindler’s List
• Stop trying to hit me, and hit me. – The Matrix
• Strange, isn't it?  Each man's life touches so many other lives.  When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he? – It's a Wonderful Life
• The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. – The Usual Suspects
• The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997.  Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. – Terminator 2: Judgment Day
• These walls are funny.  First you hate 'em, then you get used to 'em.  Enough time passes, you get so you depend on them.  That's institutionalized. – The Shawshank Redemption
• "Thirty years of this, and you get a tidy pension and a cheap gold watch.” “Cool.” – Speed
• To begin with, this case should never have come to trial.  The state has not produced one iota of medical evidence that the crime Tom Robinson is charged with ever took place. – To Kill a Mockingbird
• Tuesday night's plastic corrosion awareness meeting was, I think, a big success. – Toy Story
• We all end up dead, it's just a question of how and why. – Braveheart
• Well the buzz from the bees is that the leopards are in a bit of a spot. And the baboons are going ape over this. – The Lion King
• Well, from my way of thinking, sir, this entire mission is a serious misallocation of valuable military resources. – Saving Private Ryan
• What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? – Wizard of Oz
• "What’s the matter with you?”  “I can’t swim.”  “Are you crazy?  The fall will probably kill you.” – Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
• When I got tired, I slept.  When I got hungry, I ate.  When I had to go, you know, I went. – Forrest Gump
• Whether or not what we experienced was an According-to-Hoyle miracle is insignificant.  What is significant is that I felt the touch of God.  God got involved. – Pulp Fiction
• Why does the floor move? – Raiders of the Lost Ark
• With a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels. – Fight Club
• You just watch yourself.  We're wanted men.  I have the death sentence on twelve systems. – Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope
• You know what FINE stands for: Freaked out, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional – The Italian Job
• Your emperor is pleased to give you the barbarian horde! – Gladiator

Almost the Truthlets, the Ninth

Belly up to the bar, friends. Let me pour you a large glass of what you've been missing if you're not plugged in to the Almost the Truth Publishing FaceBook page.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a refund.

This status update is a lie.

Ain’t no sunshine when it’s night. Seldom dark during the day. Ain’t no sunshine when it’s night, and that’s not good for my sight. Guess I’ll just see in the day.

April 15…wasn’t there something important I was supposed to do today? Oh well…I’ll think of it tomorrow.

Look! I can tour farther. (Punny #StarWars reference)

I’m all about the bass…and the trout…and the walleye.

Indiana Jones, having gone vegan, at a backyard gathering of friends: “Steaks. Why did it have to be steaks?”

At what point in my past did I ever do anything so horrible as to deserve the burden of meatless lasagna?

Sittin’ on the dock of the bay, praying these splinters aren’t here to stay…

Don’t know whyyyyyy there’s no sun up in the skyyyyy…oh…it’s nighttime.

As the rabbi empty-handedly said to the priest on Easter, “Frankly, my peer, I don’t give a ham.”

Fie…wordakeen…udda four ehhhhhhhhhhfs…nahkween…nahdook…nahprints…

For every action, there’s an equal and…no…a doubled and opposite misinterpretation.

Said one Looney Tunes gladiator to another, "You got Fudd on your mace, you big disgrace."

Some people think Arby’s. Others contemplate malnourished insects tended to by Noah: Ark Thin Bees.

The love of algebra is the square root of all evil.

#FattenAMovie

In the not-too-distant past, a particular hashtag/topic was trending on Twitter. The implicit assignment in the hashtag "FattenAMovie" was to alter a movie's title to include a fattening food item or an activity that would lead to gaining weight. Being an unrepentant punster, I dove in with all ten fingers.

Herewith, my highly caloric list:

• Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Gallstone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Skittles
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Baked Alaskaban
• Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fine Chardonnay
• Harry Potter and the Take-Out Order of the Phoenix
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood-Pudding Prince
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Halloween Candy
• The Lion, the Sandwich, and the Mayo
• Braising Arizona
• Rocky Road and Bullwinkle
• Sweet Potato Home Fries Alabama
• While You Were Eating
• The Mint Jelly of the Lambs
• Black Forest Ham Gump
• The Curds and Whey We Were
• The Cheese Whiz of Oz
• The Count of Monte Crisco
• Heaven Can Weight
• American Moon Pie
• We BBQed a Zoo
• Indiana Jones and the Last Croissant

And for some reason, the one that garnered the most positive results, i.e., retweets and favorites:

• Cool Ranch Luke

Excuse me now, I've got a deep yearning to fill my belly with anything that isn't moving.

Happy Triskaidekaphobia Day!

13 reasons to stay in bed all day. Number 7 will make your ears fall off!

1)  Facebook is still letting all those idiotic people who don't agree with your politics post idiotic and non-factual articles from that website run by disagreeable, non-factual idiots.

2)  Your smartphone has more bacteria on it than your toilet seat.

3)  A black cat just walked under a ladder.

4)  Disney may be attempting a reboot of the Indiana Jones film franchise.

5)  There's a snake in the sewer lines under your house.

6)  Pretty sure that green, fuzzy thing in your fridge has started throbbing.

7)  Justin Bieber is releasing a new song today.

8)  Valentine chocolate won't go on clearance until Sunday.

9)  Your cable just went out.

10)  Kim Kardashian.

11)  Fred Basset is still being published.

12)  There's a bad moon on the rise.

13)  Your identity got stolen, but they lost interest and gave it back.

The ABCs of Almost the Truth

With inspiration from fellow blogger and former co-worker, Allissa Danielson, I hereby offer a primer on the way things are around this here piece of fluff called Almost the Truth.

AngelFace and ActorBoy - Our oldest child, and our only son, respectively. One is a perfectionist; one spent all of high school pulling the wool over our eyes. I'll let you figure out which is which.

Beloved and BuckEye - My wife, and our second daughter. Beloved and I have had our fair share of good times and decidedly not good times. A shared faith and a huge dose of stubbornness have kept us together. BuckEye is the only one of our four children who was born in Ohio...get it?

Church - More than an act of obedience or a socially-acceptable habit, church attendance is a great source of material for a humor blog. 

Diet - Meat and potatoes; Pizza and pasta; CornNuts and Dr Pepper; When thinking of diet as a strict adherence to a particular menu for the purpose of losing weight, don't think of me.

Earworms - Those annoying little snippets of songs that keep replaying in your head. I used to publish a quarterly recap of earworms that appeared out of nowhere when I was waking up...then realized that the eclectic list of unexplainable melodic infestations was probably only interesting to me.

Farnsworth - Mild expletive, as in, "What the farnsworth is up with that?!?"

Giant Step Theatre - I've been working with this children's theater that "exists to provide performance opportunities for youth and entertainment for families' for almost 15 years. I have been dressed in drag, painted blue, dragged across stage by 4th-graders, and had my head shaved. I've seen the necessity of having my grand choreograhic visions reduced to "Lean left, lean right." I've also been utterly amazed at how the little hambones can always seem to pull things together for opening night.

Hashtag - I've tried to get #FredBassetMustDie to become a Thing, but no one else seems to be as appalled by the utter lack of humor and/or redeeming social value in the waste-of-ink called Fred Basset. I'd rather newspapers just print reruns of Calvin and Hobbes. Farnsworth, I'd prefer a daily printing of nutritional facts from breakfast cereals to that stupi-er-unfunny cartoon canine!

Indiana Jones - The lead character in one of the three best movie trilogies of all time (Back to the Future and the original Star Wars being the other two) and one of the most-disappointing fourth episodes of a movie series ever. But the idea of having a full-length Muppet parody has merit.

Juan - As in, "Juan was such a nice guy," which is the catch phrase in one of the Stupid Stories™ I tell before Giant Step Theatre performances.

King Kong - The only movie in my DVD collection that starts with K, thereby helping me complete this alphabetical extravaganza. (And yes, we are talking about the 2005 Peter Jackson version, featuring Andy Serkis as the motion-captured behemoth AND a sailor named Lumpy who gets his head swallowed by a giant worm...nice.)

Let It Go - As of this writing, this song from Disney's Frozen is the subject of Almost the Truth's most-read post.

MisterSquishy - My youngest grandchild. There is also the oldest, SkittleKid, and the only granddaughter (so far), SweetCheeks.

News - Well...almost. A semi-regular feature here is to take real headlines and follow them up with twisted interpretations of said headlines.

Observed Absurdities™ - From time to time, an observant reader or co-worker or stranger will send along a picture or advertisement or thingamajig that strikes them as odd. If it strikes me that way as well, then you all get the pleasure of seeing it.

Pop Culture - Whether it's reacting to my Twitter feed, getting perplexed by the latest celebrity faux pas, or becoming a digital cartoonist, popular culture is always ripe for a bit-o-skewering. 

Queen Ebola Hemlock - The character I portray in Giant Step Theatre's Snow White and the 7 or 8 Dwarfs. A perfect name for a perfect, egocentric villain. Find her on FaceBook.

Reality - What a concept! (Apologies to R. Williams)

Skyline Chili - The original Cincinnati style chili, served over spaghetti and covered with grated cheese. One man's poison is another man's Olympus-worthy nectar.  Either you love it or you have dumpster detritus for taste buds.

Twitter - You can follow me (@deweyroth), or risk missing out on the 140-character events-of-the-moment.

UberFacts - One of the factoid feeds I follow on Twitter...the one that frustrates me to no end with their typos and incessant use of the word "actually," which makes them sound like junior high school girls from California.

Voiceovers - The tiniest, most-secret corner of the Almost the Truth universe. Consists mostly of non-profit work and my imagination.

World Wide Wackfest - Otherwise known as the Internet, the Web, or the Everlasting Online Information Highway.

Xamine

Your

Zipper


Made ya look.

Better Than Bacon

The World Wide Wackfest is famous for having a love affair with bacon. It has its own memes and websites and over six-and-a-half million FaceBook followers. There's even a fairly famous actor who is named after this processed-pork producer of palate pleasure.

This post, however, is not about bacon. It's about doing what has often been done with the word "bacon"...namely, replacing words within movie titles with it...with a food substance much nearer and dearer to my heart: CornNuts.

Let us revel, then, in the epic cinematic possibilities of these salty, crunchy bits of carbolisciousness...

• The CornNuts Redemption
• The Good, the Bad, and the CornNuts
• Schindler's CornNuts
• 12 Angry CornNuts
• CornNuts Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• The Lord of the CornNuts
• The CornNuts Strike Back
• CornNuts of the Jedi
• The Silence of the CornNuts
• Raiders of the Lost CornNuts
• Indiana Jones and the CornNuts of Doom
• Indiana Jones and the Last CornNuts 
• CornNuts to the Future
• CornNuts Unchained 
• Eternal CornNuts of the Spotless Mind
• Monty Python and the Holy CornNuts
• Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking CornNuts
• Butch Cassidy and the CornNuts Kid
• No CornNuts for Old Men
• The CornNuts of Wrath
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of CornNuts
• CornNuts and the Beast
• Saving Private CornNuts