Ticket to Ride in a Squad Car: The 384th Greatest Song

 

Taken at face value, "Ticket to Ride," by The Beatles, is a song about a girl leaving a guy by way of train.

Taken at dictionary value, it's a confusing mess.

For instance...

I think I'm gonna be sad. I think it's today, yeah
The girl that's driving me mad is going away

Question: If the girl's driving you crazy, why would her departure make you sad?

She's got a ticket to ride
But she don't care

She doesn't care that she has a train ticket? So is she going away or isn't she?

She said that living with me is bringing her down, yeah
For she would never be free when I was around

So ... in terms of being driven crazy, who is driving and who is riding?

Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me

Sounds a little threatening, like "If I can't have you, NObody can!"

Makes me think of a different Beatles lyric: "You better run for your life if you can, little girl!"

Ewww Child: The 392nd Greatest Song

 

I admit to having a fondness for the 392nd-greatest song of all time, "O-o-h Child" by the Five Stairsteps. This family group of 4 brothers and one sister had a Top 40 hit on their hands that was "uplifting and encouraging."

And the lyric rang with hope:

Ooh child

Things are gonna be easier

Ooh child

Things'll be brighter

The song certainly made things easier for the singers, because that simple 4-line chorus was sung six times, comprising 50% of the song.

And the song certainly made it easy for the musicians, too, because the chord progression and basic melody of those 4 lines comprised 100% of the song!

No joke: When they moved on from singing "Ooh child, things...," they kept the same structure and sang, "Some day, we'll get it together..."

Then finally, for the repeated coda, they switch to the upbeat declaration that all this wonderful increased ease and brightness and getting things together was going to happen "right now."

Let's see about that.

The song was released, and started spreading its message of joyful hope and immediate change in April of 1970.

• April 10 - Paul McCartney announces the official break-up of The Beatles
• April 11 - Apollo 13 launches (and we all know how great that worked out)
• April 30 - U.S. troops invade Cambodia
• May 4 - 4 student anti-war protesters killed at Kent State University
• June 16 - Race riots erupt in Miami, Florida
• June 23 - Chubby "Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer" Checker arrested for marijuana possession

So yeah...happy, happy, joy, joy...but wrong.

#PutAnAnimalInASeventiesSongTitle

 

The 1970s: When we all wanted to be hippies and sing about Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

Without Gnu  -  Harry Nilsson sings that he will die without the presence of a large, dark African antelope.

Let It Bee  -  ♫♪ "When I find myself in need of honey..." ♪♫

Sheena Is a Skunk Rocker  -  This Ramones song really stinks.

Hart of Glass  -  ♫♪ "Collecting knick-knacks, and it was a gas. Soon turned out I had a hart of glass." ♪♫

Bridge Over Troubled Water Moccasins  -  ♫♪ "When there's snakes...in the river below...when they're upset...and mean...I'm where you should go--oh..." ♪♫

Make It With Ewe  -  David Gates and Bread were just out of line and inappropriate with this one.

The Long and Winding Toad  -  ♫♪ "The long and winding toad that got smeared 'cross the road...will never disappear..." ♪♫

Reindeer Keep Falling on My Head  -  B. J. Thomas' big Christmas hit.

How Can You Mend a Buffalo's Heart  -  ♫♪ "...how can a bison ever win?" ♪♫

You've Got a French Hen  -  James Taylor's big Christmas hit.

#PutAnAnimalInASixtiesSongTitle

 

The Sixties brought us girl groups, sit-ins, and power to the non-people.

Jumping Jack Rabbit  -  There is some controversy about whether this Rolling Stones hit is actually about a bouncing bunny.

Ring of Fireflies  -  ♫♪ "I fell in to a burnin' ring of fireflies. They went round, round, round. Couldn't follow them with my eyes." ♪♫

My Gorilla  -  The Temptations sing about sunshine on a cloudy day and the joys of owning their own exotic primate.

Stop in the Name of Dove  -  ♫♪ "Stop in the name of dove before you fly away." ♪♫

The Tracks of My Bears  -  Smokey Robinson & the Miracles' take on hunting several grizzlies at once

Mouse of the Rising Sun  -  ♫♪ "There is...a mouse...in New Orleans..." ♪♫

Penguin's Got a Brand New Bag  -  James Brown was one of the first to jump on the ecology bandwagon when he sang this song about relocating penguins.

Bad Coon Rising  -  ♫♪ "I see a racoon in the corn field. I know there's trouble on the way." ♪♫

She Loves Ewe  -  The Beatles had a huge hit with this reworking of "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

The Hound of Silence  -  ♫♪ "And the people whistled loud for the dog lost in the crowd. They put a sign up in the local park about the puppy that just couldn't bark, And the sign said, 'Call this number if you find him and you've got a phone. Poor dog's alone. We're missing the hound of silence'." ♪♫

Almost the News XXVIII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Charges Filed Over Stolen Tax Returns
State Attorney Lokk M. Allup said, "It was an elaborate set-up involving pulleys and hydraulic lifts, but we were able to file the charges in the exact location we wanted."

Record-Breaking Coho Salmon Caught
"The slippery devil smashed all my Beatles albums! But we've got him now!"

Moderate Republicans Bring Down Jim Jordan
Yeah, they don't do anything for MY mood, either.

Superintendent Finalists 'Very Strong'
School board member, A. Roma Picky, says, "I can smell them from across town."

Author Drew on Seedy People from Childhood
Starting at the age of 7, Vincent Patrick practiced his limited artistic skills on the arms and faces of the ne-er-do-wells in his neighborhood. A local art critic has been quoted as saying it was "a blessing he turned to writing. His sense of perspective was abysmal."

Scientist in Hawaii Was Cloning Pioneer
Mac A. Damian died recently while on the verge of a breakthrough in his efforts to genetically copy Daniel Boone.

MN Man's Body Recovered from WI Lake; 1 Still Missing
Sheriff Brody stated: "That lake was right here a minute ago, but now...?"

Lake Elmo Drops Its City Administrator
File Under: Some jokes just write themselves

Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand

 

Forty-four years ago today
Beloved and I said, "Okay"
What it really was was, "Yes, I do
I only wanna be with you."
So let me introduce to you
The two who've been one all these years
Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand

When Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand
Though sometimes, the going got rough
Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand
But Jesus helped, and that's enough
Dewey/Debbie Joined Their, Dewey/Debbie Joined Their
Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand

It's wonderful to be here
Although the trip's been long
Good and bad have both been had
There's no real reason to be sad
'Cause now we sing this song

Well, we're never gonna stop the show
But I thought you might like to know
It's not always rainbows and wine
But all in all, we get along just fine
So let me introduce to you
In love for forty-four short years
Dewey/Debbie Joined Their Hearts, It's Grand

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. II

“Got to Get You Into My Life” was written by Paul McCartney to express his new-found exuberance for marijuana.

In the movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, when an inebriated Uncle Billy staggers off camera after a short conversation with George Bailey, he apparently stumbles over some garbage cans. That noisy crash was an accident and his words, “I’m alright! I'm allllright!" were improvised.

Gary Burghoff, in the role of Radar, is the only actor/role combo that appeared in both the movie and the television series versions of M*A*S*H.

E.T. was lured back to Eliot’s house with Reese’s Pieces because M & Ms didn’t want to pay a product placement fee to a weird sci-fi movie.

Bea Benaderet was the owner-operator of the Shady Rest Hotel in Petticoat Junction AND the voice of Betty Rubble in The Flintstones.

♫♪ When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger, when it looks like you will take a lickin' (buk buk buk buk), there is someone waiting who will hurry up and rescue you. Just call up for Superchicken! Fred, if you're afraid you'll have to overlook it. Besides, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. (Bukack!) He will drink his super sauce and throw the bad guys for a loss and he will bring them in alive and kickin'. (buk buk buk buk) There is one thing you should learn: when there is no one else to turn to, call up for Superchicken. (buk buk buk buk) Call up for Superchicken! (Bukack!) ♪♫

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1970s

 

There's just enough time left in the Christmas season to turn some of the biggest hits of the 1970s into seasonal songs of glad tidings.

Reindeer Keep Flyin' Overhead  -  "...and just like the elf whose feet are too big for his bed..."

Bridge Over Troubled Waiter  -  A song of comfort for waitstaff stressed out by all the corporate holiday parties

The Long and Winding Lights  -  "...that are tangled 'round my tree, will never all be lit, they just don't work for me, no"

Fire and Rein  -  The only two things that seem to have an effect on Rudolph's behavior

You Light Up My Tree  -  "...with lights red and green"

Joy to the World  -  "Jeremiah was a reindeer. Was a good friend to all. I never understood a single word he said as he took me to the mall."

How Can You Mend a Broken Toy  -  A lament by the Bee Gees

Thank God I'm a Drummer Boy  -  "When the work's all done and the sun sets low, I pull out my sticks and I really let it go"

Midnight Camel to Bethlehem  -  One of the wise men had a girlfriend he left behind. This is her song.

Cat's in the Manger  -  "And the cat's in the manger with no silver spoon; the little boy king's gonna grow up soon"

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1960s

 

The 1960s took us from bobbysoxers to hippies and the hit songs of the decade reflected that evolution. But one constant was the attempt to make a buck by selling Christmas records to the teeming masses.

Elf of the Road  -  A catchy tune about a workshop worker who walks away from the "man of means by no means" and hops a train to where "two hours of pushin' snow buys an 8 by 12 place to go."

Last Sleigh to Anchorage  -  "Take the last sleigh to Anchorage and I'll meet you at the igloo."

Son of a Drummer Man  -  Dusty Springfield celebrates the rum-pa-pum-pum that rocked a certain manger scene.

I Want to Pull Your Sleigh  - "Oh, Santa, say to me, for this Christmas day, Oh please, say to me, you'll let me pull your sleigh! I wanna pull your slay-ay-ayeeay. I wanna pull your sleigh."

I Got You Babe  -  Sonny & Cher sing a lullaby to the newborn king.

The Sound of Jingle Bells  -  "Hello Christmas Eve, my friend, I'm racing through you once again. Because I've got all of these gifts to buy. I wait till now, but I do not know why."

(I Can't Get No) Black Friday Deal  -  A bluesy lament of deep-but-rapidly-disappearing discounts.

Bethlehem Dreamin'  -  "All the trees are palms, and the midnight's clear. It's a silent night, but its full of cheer. There are angels singing 'bout good will to men. Bethlehem dreamin', about the way it was then.

Beatles...In...Spaaaaace!

 

What songs would be on the soundtrack album if The Fab Four had ever made a science fiction movie?

Well, first off, you KNOW the title tune would be Across the Universe. But then what?

• All You Need Is Oxygen
• Back in the U.S.S. Enterprise
• The Ballad of John and Jar Jar
• Can't Buy Me Dilithium
• Do You Want to Teleport a Secret?
• Fixing a Black Hole
• Good Day Saturnshine
• A Hard Day's Timewarp
• Here Comes the Sun, Get Ready to Disembark
• I Want to Clone Your Hand
• The Long and Phase-Shifting Road
• Lucy in the Sky With Photon Torpedoes
• Maxwell's Silver Android
• Nine Ten
• Sgt Armstrong's Lonely Hearts Landing Crew
• When I'm πr²
• With a Little Help From My Replicants

The film itself wouldn't have been much of a hit. The director couldn't get any truly dramatic performances out of the lads. They just didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...Part Too

 

With thanks to the Reface app.

...The Red Hot Chili Peppers

...Jeff Daniels

...Chris Evans

...Hugh Grant

...Robert Downey Jr.

...John, Paul, and George

...Will Smith

#MakeABandEdible

 

It's a simple enough task I've set before myself today. My job is to take the name of a band and tweak it in some way so it becomes edible. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

The Beetles (I said edible, not necessarily delicious.)

Blood, Sweat and Pears

Bon Bon Jovi

Buffalo Wings Springfield

Chicago Deep Dish

Cream

Crosby, Dills, Gnash & Yum

Depeche a la Mode

Diana Ross & the Krispy Kremes

The Door Jams

Earth, Wind & Fire-Roasted Nuts

Fleetwood Mac & Cheese

Grateful Bread

The Peach Boys

Pink Salmon Floyd

Red Hot Chili Peppers

The Rolling Scones

Simon & Garpretzel

Smashing Pumpkin Pies

Smokey Links & the Miracles

The 449th Greatest Song: Neither Nickel Road Nor Dime Avenue

 

The story goes that Paul McCartney wrote "Penny Lane," which is full of memories of his growing up years, as a result of having heard John Lennon's "Strawberry Fields Forever," which is full of memories of HIS growing up years, assuming John's youth was spent in a Tourettes-like burst of non-sequiturs and verbal bulimia.

Music critics Roy Carr and Tony Tyler characterized the "Penny Lane" lyric as describing "Liverpool-on-a-sunny-hallucinogenic-afternoon."

Some of the phrases DO bear a bit of explaining...

On the corner is a banker with a motorcar
The little children laugh at him behind his back
And the banker never wears a mac
In the pouring rain, very strange

I'm guessing we are meant to assume the children think it's funny for a banker to own a car but apparently not a raincoat ("mac"). I prefer to think the humor lies in the banker having repossessed a car but needing to park it on the street during a rainstorm because his underground garage is flooded.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes

Road grit and gravel may be causing permanent damage to both Paul's hearing and visual acuity.

In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the queen

A low-tech Luddite is in charge of fighting fires. Help!

Fish and finger pies

This is just plain gross and needs to stop.

The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray
And though she feels as if she's in a play
She is anyway

If she IS in a play, why the word "though"? It's like saying, "She's in a play, however, she thinks she's in a play."

Darn Brits...don't know how to speak plain English.

Musical Gas Pumps 3: John, Paul, George, and Diesel

 

You'll be glad to know that I am still singing songs to authorize in-store payment for out-store vehicle fueling at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium known within the confines of this blog as FastStop.

Further good news is that there is now a list of Beatles parodies that are bringing surprise, delight, and/or shock and dismay to unsuspecting motorists.

(I Saw Her Standing There)

Well, you are on pump 17

And you're getting gasoline

Yeah, your pickup truck looks way beyond compare

Please come inside to pay; whooooo

Before you drive away

(Let It Be)

When you find yourself out at pump 10

Getting fuel at FastStop today

Heed these words of wisdom, "Come in to pay"

(Lady Madonna)

Hey there, pump 7

Getting gas today

When you're through, here's what to do

Come inside to pay

(Eight Days a Week)

I see you at pump 6

Getting fuel today

When your tank is filled up

Please don't drive away

Oh, come inside to pay

Don't you dare drive away

I'm selling fuel at FastStop

Eight days a week

To hear these tunes in all their radiant splendor, go to YouTube by CLICKING HERE.

When I'm Sixty-FoYIKES!

 

How the farnsworth did this ever happen?!!?

I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, content in the knowledge that Jesus loves the little children of the world. Not a care had I. No, not one.

Then suddenly, the morning after taking Abby Dormire home from our Junior Prom, it was the 64th anniversary of my birth. (Actually, this past Monday.)

• Where did this wife and four children come from?
• How is it possible that I have five grandchildren and one more about to make her appearance?
• When did my lower back start waging war on the rest of my body?
• How come there is a worn path in the carpet between my side of the bed and the bathroom?
• Ummm...
• What was I talking about?

Paul McCartney wasn't even 20 when he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four" and now he's 79.

I'm not sure why that sets me back on my heels the way it does...but it does.

Apparently, the Worst of the Best of the Beatles Catalog

"Rain" is the lowest-ranking Beatles song on the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" list published by Rolling Stone.

It also happens to be Ringo's favorite Beatles song. Go figure.

It includes one of the earliest uses of backward tape. Beatlephiles would want us to believe this was a creative epiphany that erupted from the musically-genius John Lennon or maybe George Martin. The #TrueTruth of the matter is that Lennon was stoned and accidentally put the tape on the machine wrong.

I'm not joking!

I'm also completely serious when I inform you that the MetroLyrics website must have thought they were being clever when they listed the lyrics of the backward section as:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yeht

Semoc niar eht fi

(Rain)

Niar

(Rain)

Senihs nus

I'm not joking!

It all kind of makes me want to tie a rope around a chicken before it can cross the road.

I'm joke knotting!

Pre-fixing a Non-existent Pro-blem

I seriously think most HR departments have so little to do, they spend most of their time creating issues so they can spend the rest of their time trying to solve them.

Consider this TrueTruth example from my very own personal RealLife experience...

One otherwise-normal day, I walked into the public restroom at my place of employment and saw a sign on the wall next to the touch-free paper towel dispensers.

Did I say "sign"? Please forgive me. It was an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper upon which someone with computer access had printed:

PLEASE DISPENSE

A PAPER TOWEL

FOR THE NEXT PERSON

My cubicle-mates and I pondered over that a bit. Well, to be a bit more accurate, we discussed, "What the farnsworth is THAT all about?"

Because of previous experience, the long-term employee in our group suggested that someone close to the top of the corporate ladder must have determined we were taking too much time resting in the restroom. Of course, that didn't help the note make any more sense to any of us.

Did the top-o-the-foodchain think it would save us time to have the person in front of us wave their hand in front of the dispenser instead of us doing it ourselves? That ranks right up there with  -  and I'm pretty sure I've said this before  -  trying to make a blanket longer by cutting off one end so you can sew it onto the other end.

And then we started applying the same logic to other workplace time-wasters:

• Please pour a cup of coffee for the next person
• Please take the next person's personal phone call for them
• Please leave the breakroom refrigerator door open for the next person
• Please eat the next person's lunch

Ooh! That last one? I believe that's what John Lennon called InstantKarma.

Paul Rick James McCartney

"I wanna make Paul McCartney white-boy money!"

So declared Rick James at about the same time the 477th greatest song of all time was released: "Super Freak".

And wow...the song-writing similarities are super freaky.

James: "She's a very kinky girl; the kind you don't take home to mother."
McCartney: "She came in through the bathroom window."

James: "She will never let your spirits down."
McCartney: "Baby's in black and I'm feelin' blue."

James: "She likes the boys in the band. She says that I'm her favorite."
McCartney: "Catch you with another man, that's the end, little girl."

James: "When I make my move to her room, it's the right time. She's never hard to please."
McCartney: "When I'm home, everything seems to be right...right, yeah!"

James: "She's a super freak, super freak, she's super-freaky."
McCartney: "A pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray."

Jaw-droppingly amazing, right?

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Too

The collection of Christmasy versions of Beatles tunes continues and concludes, all in one fell swoop...

Here Comes the Snow  -  Little darlin', it'll be a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darlin', I've got some hot, spiced cider here.

I Saw Her Shopping There  -  I won't use layaway with another since I saw her shopping there.

I Want a Walrus  -  I am a young lad trying not to sound mad, but I want a walrus! Goo goo ga jube!

Lady Madonna  -  Lady Madonna, Joseph at your side; wondering how you managed the long mule ride.

The Long and Winding String of Lights  -  ...that is tangled in the garage

Lucy in a Fit with Ribbons  -  Picture yourself in a room filled with paper; the gift bags are bent and your scissors are dull.

Maxwell's Silver Bells  -  Hear them ring! Maxwell's silver bells came down the attic stair. Ring-a-ling! Maxwell's silver bells ensured a festive affair.

Paper Check Writer  -  Dear cashier, I don't have a card, and carrying cash is so very hard. I just wanna buy these items right here, and I'm so old-school that I need to be a paper check writer...paper check writer!

While My Accounts Gently Weep  -  I look at the bills I've racked up since November while my accounts gently weep.

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Won

It seems there's no end to the supply of "previously-unreleased material" by The Fab Four. The latest collection making its way out of George Martin's vault includes these festive versions of some of their most-beloved tunes...

A Day in the North Pole  -  I read the thermometer today, oh boy; about too low to measure in Centigrade.

A Hard Day's Flight  -  It's been a hard day's flight; I flew with Santa around the world. It's been a hard day's flight; giving presents to boys and girls.

All You Need Is Tinsel  -  There's nothing you can buy that can't be crated. Nowhere you can live undecorated.

Being for the Benefit of Planet Earth  -  For the benefit of Planet Earth, we celebrate the Christ-child's birth in Bethlehem.

Can't Buy Me Anything on the 24th  -  Buy you the latest thing, my friend, but not on Christmas Eve.

Carry That Tree  -  Boy, you're gonna carry that tree; carry that tree up three flights.

Drive My Sleigh  -  Rudolph, you can drive my sleigh. I only need it for one day.

Eight Days of Deals  -  Ooh, I need the car, babe, to get down to the mall. They've dropped the prices far, babe, I need to buy it all.

Fool on the Roof  -  Day after day, running more cords, the man with the plastic reindeer nailed to misshapen boards.

Give Back  -  Jojo got a gift that didn't really fit him, so he returned it to the store.