Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It

Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)

#PutAnAnimalInAFiftiesSongTitle

 

The Fifties were years of rocking, rolling, and pure animal energy.

Donkey Cruel  -  Elvis sings of a heartless burro.

That'll Be the Jay  -  ♫♪ "That'll be the jay; the bird that's so blue. That'll be the jay just a singing for you. That'll be the jay, learning to fly. That'll be the jay-ay-ay in the sky!" ♪♫

Blueberry Krill  -  A fruity seafood dish where Fats Domino found his thrill

Ain't Cat Ashamed  -  ♫♪ "You made (boom, boom) me cry (boom, boom) when you scratched (boom, boom) my eye. Ain't cat ashamed? My tears fell like rain." ♪♫

Rock and Vole Music  -  A little tune for a little mouse by Chuck Berry

Groundhog*  -  ♫♪ "You ain't nothin' but a groundhog, diggin' in the ground..." ♪♫

Stoat Gets in Your Eyes  -  The Platters sing a warning about a weasel.

Hart Breaks Hotel  -  ♫♪ "When Bambi crashed into the lobby, it was quite the tale to tell. The headline read next morning: "Hart Breaks Hotel" ♪♫

Snake Up Little Susie  -  The Everly Brothers sing the terrifying tale of a girl, a snake, and a toilet.

_______
* Yes, it IS weird to take a song that alREADY had an animal in the title and almostify it.

The Greatest Jingle?

 

"Love Me Tender" is the theme song from Elvis' first movie.

It also happens to be, according to Rolling Stone, the 437th greatest song of all time.

But that's not all!

It also marks the first time Elvis sang in his soft voice, accompanied only by an acoustic guitar.

And oh yeah... it copies the melody of the Civil War-era ballad, "Aura Lee." (Yet somehow escapes the legal battles that were unleashed against George Harrison for "My Sweet Lord" and its far-more-subtle similarities to "He's So Fine.")

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Hey, as long as we're stealing melody lines, why not use it to advertise a dating app?

Love me Tinder

Love me sweet

Swipe me to the right

You have made this app so neat

It fills each lonely night

Love me Tinder

Love me true

Don't filter your profile shot

For my darling, I'll bust you

If you're just a 'bot

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...Part Third

 

...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

...Harrison Ford

...Benedict Cumberbatch

...Buzz Lightyear

...Elvis

We're Bouncing to Graceland

I have learned SO MUCH by studying the lyrics of the 485th greatest song of all time, "Graceland", by Paul Simon.

The Mississippi Delta was shining

Like a National guitar

I originally thought we were talking about the southern end of the mighty Mississippi, way down yonder in New Orleans, but the World Wide Wackfest informs me the Mississippi Delta is the northwest section of the state of Mississippi, between the rivers Mississippi and Yazoo, just south of Memphis on US 61.

I am following the river down the highway

Through the cradle of the civil war

I originally thought we were talking about Charleston, South Carolina, where Fort Sumter was fired upon and the Civil War began. I even have corroboration from the BBC that Charleston is the "cradle of the Civil War." But now? Well, now I still think that, which makes it seem Mr. Simon is playing fast and loose with geography.

My traveling companion is nine years old

He is the child of my first marriage

Harper Simon was born September 7, 1972, so the timing of the roadtrip being referenced would be late 1981 or the first half of 1982...six years after Paul's divorce from Harper's mother, a year or so before his marriage to Carrie Fisher, and five years before the song was recorded.

But I've reason to believe

We both will be received

In Graceland

Pretty sure there's no minimum age requirement to visit Elvis' home.

There is a girl in New York City

Who calls herself the human trampoline

I originally thought we were talking about something akin to the lines in Simon's earlier song, "The Boxer," about finding some comfort with some particular females on 7th Avenue, New York City.

And sometimes when I'm falling, flying

Or tumbling in turmoil I say

Woah, so this is what she means

Nope...I'm pretty sure that's not what she means.

She means we're bouncing into Graceland

REALLY sure that's not what she means.

And I see losing love

Is like a window in your heart

Everybody sees you're blown apart

Everybody feels the wind blow

I originally thought this song was about a field trip to Elvis' home, but now I see it's about the breakup of Simon's first marriage and how he knows it's affecting his current relationships.

In Graceland, Graceland

I'm going to Graceland

For reasons I cannot explain

There's some part of me wants to see

Graceland

And I may be obliged to defend

Every love, every ending

Or maybe there's no obligations now

Maybe I've a reason to believe

We all will be received

In Graceland

I originally thought this series of posts about Rolling Stone's list of The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time was going to be nothing but a barrel of laughs, and then Paul Simon comes along and sings of forgiveness and moving on from loss...and I've a reason to believe there may actually be a bit of redeeming social value to what I write after all.

Radio Hits of the 1960s...But Fatter

Chubby Checker wasn't the only one dealing with weight issues in the 1960s...

The Good Cholesterol, the Bad Cholesterol, and the Bulgy  -  A big hit for Huge Montenegro from the movie of the same name

Wedding Cake Blues  -  This is why the group needed a 5th dimension to spread out into

I Heard It Through the Helpline  -  "I bet you're wonderin' how I knew / they made the door bigger so you'd fit through"

Happy Together  -  The musical story of the mating of peanut butter and chocolate to create Reese's Cups

Ice Cream Believer  -  "...and a homecoming queeeeeeen."♫♪

Runaround Sue  -  If you're training for a marathon...because...she's like...really...big...yeah, you got that one...

Wendy's  -  "Who's serving up those juicy cheeseburgers, wrapped in some paper, dripping with grease? Who's reaching out to hand you some french fries? Everyone knows it's Wendy's."

Mashed Potato Time  -  No almosting here. This is an actual 1962 hit by Dee Dee Sharp!

Save the Last Doughnut for Me  -  "Don't forget who's takin' you home, and in his kitchen you're gonna be..."

Will You Still Feed Me Tomorrow  -  A hit for the Shirelles, but written by Carole "Kingsize" King

Old El Paso  -  "Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, I fell in love with s Mexican sauce."

Sugar Shack  -  Again, this joke is for real and recorded by Jimmy Gilmer & the Fireballs in 1963.

Return to Blender  -  When your smoothie isn't quite smooth enough

Sugar Sugar  -  Theme song for the Association of Dental Hygienists

Hey JuJus  -  "Hey, JuJus, don't let me down. Take a boring movie and make it better..."

To Sirloin With Love  -  This one is a lulu.

Are You Hungry Tonight?  -  Elvis invites a friend over for grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches

The Fattest Hits of the 1950s

It's only appropriate for a decade that gave us Fats Domino to also be the source of some of the fattest songs ever recorded.

Peggy Stew  -  "I love you, Peggy Stew; your beef broth is rare and true"

Whole Lot of Milkshakes Goin' On  -  Sung by Jerry "Sarah" Lee Lewis

All I Have to Do Is DreamWhip  -  "When I want you on my pie, when my apple crisp is kinda dry, whenever I want to, all I have to do is DreeeeeeamWhip"

Smoke Gets In Your Baby Back Ribs  -  "They...asked me how I knew...how to barbecue..."

The Great Pretenderizer  -  No joke, this is sung by The Platters

Eat Up, Little Susie  -  The Everly Brothers channel a Jewish mother

Blueberry Pie Hill  -  "I found my thrill..."

The Batter of New Orleans  -  Jimmy Horton sings about Long John Silver's secret recipe

Love Me Tender  -  "Love me tender, love me rare, love me grilled or fried"

Sixteen Tons  -  "I weigh sixteen tons, and brother, you bet; a trip to the grocer just leaves me in debt"

(Let Me Be Your) Gummi Bear  -  A big hit for Elvis Pretzley

Mack the Butter Knife  -  "Oh the shark fin soup...isn't sweet, dear...but the dinner roll...is soft and hot"

Rock Around the Buffet  -  "When the clock strikes one, we'll walk right in, and fill our plates again and again"

Almost Hotel California

Went to see former youth group member, Doug Toddless, sing at a local restaurant the other night. We talked to him before he started and found out he was suffering from a cold and a raspy throat. Amazingly, though, when he started singing, you couldn't tell at all...though Beloved and I did notice that he chose to sing a lot of lower-register songs like Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Barry White.

Between sets, I told him if anybody requested Hotel California ("Augh!" he coughed. "No way!") that I would be there to take care of the vocals for him.

Four songs into his second set, I got my chance. Problem is, I figured he would have the words to the song on the iPad he kept looking at and scrolling through. Turns out he was just keeping track of his March Madness bracket, and I was on my own to try to remember all the words.

This was my best effort...

On the dark info highway, You Tube makes me stare
Warm smell of my hard drive, data streams through the air
Up ahead on my monitor, I saw a glowing blue light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I hadn't eaten all night.
There it was on my browser; an ad for Taco Bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"I could do worse; guess I might as well"
So I searched for a coupon, 'cause I just roll that way
There were voices in my brand new earbuds
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
Plenty of info that Google can inform ya
What you did last year (What you did last year)
You can find it here

Your mind is def'nitely twisted, both the means and the ends
You're just one of the pretty, pretty boys following trends
How they rate in the rankings, how their tags get them clicks.
Some are dancin' with the stars, some are glued to Netflix
So I called out through Twitter,
"Check out my hashtag"
They said, "We haven't been trending that since your eyes began to sag"
And still solicitors calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
They livin' it up here where Google can inform ya
They get their revenue (get their revenue)
From ads they show you

Mirrors for your ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And I said "We are all consumers here, hey, that sure looks nice"
Got a full shopping basket,
Got some food for a feast
Got me three sets of ginsu knives,
Got 50% off, at least

Last thing I remember, I was
Told that I was poor
I had to find a way to cure
My depressing credit score
"Relax, " said the hacker,
"I can fake all the facts.
You can purchase anything you like,
Hey, babe, I got your back! "

Lying for Fun and Profit

If no one gives you a job, create one for yourself.

Okay...maybe that's the answer to my ongoing search for full-time employment. And because I've got a bit of experience in writing, both fiction and fact, why not meld the two and create historical...and perhaps hysterical...fiction with actual factual humans as the main characters?

Robert J. Randisi did it with his Rat Pack Mystery novels (which I've touched on before, as you can read about here). Daniel Klein did it with his series of books that starred Elvis Presley as a singing sleuth: Such Vicious Minds; Viva Las Vengeance; Kill Me Tender; Blue Suede Clues.

The idea is, instead of inventing an original fictional character, I can write stories about a real person, using that person's characteristics and idiosyncrasies...and call it a work of original fiction.

Let's see...what other dead person's legacy can I cannibalize?

John Lennon: Crime Scene Investi-Tenor (CSI: Liverpool)
During the Beatles' second set at the Cavern, one of the adoring fans stopped breathing. Everyone assumed it was a medical issue until John noticed a discolored spot on the back cover of her autograph book. She had been poisoned, and John refused to either twist OR shout until he found out who decided, Got to Get You Out of My Life.

Subsequent titles in the series:

• Here Comes the Hearse
• Sgt. Pepper's Stopped Hearts Club Band
• Help! I Killed Somebody
• Baby's in Black and I'm in the Morgue

Benjamin Franklin: Poor Richard's Medical Examiner
Philadelphia's seamstresses are dying. Philosopher, patriot, diplomat, inventor, scientist, and bon vivant man about town, Benjamin Franklin, is called into action to keep the corpses from piling any higher in this historical thriller, A Stitch in Time Killed Nine.

Follow-up titles:

• Early to Bed; Early to Die
• Death and Taxes
• An Ounce of Prevention; a Pound of Curare

Abraham Lincoln: Tall, Dark, and Psychic

Buddy Holly and the Sticky Cricket Wicket
(Ha! Get it? His band's name was The Crickets! Sigh...yeah, okay...shutting up now.)

Factoid-A-Rama

Once again, our heartfelt thanks go out to Uncle John's Bathroom Reader for cluing us in on the following flights of fanciful fact.

• Cleopatra used cucumber juice as a skin lotion.
• Elvis Presley always wore a helmet while watching football on TV. [Safety first, I always say.]
• A German folk remedy: to quiet a teething baby, rub its gums with sheep brains. [Now...how did the Germans ever stumble across this? "I can't take this crying anymore! Hit the kid in the mouth with this open sheep skull!"]
• 26% of American children under the age of two have a TV in their room.

• It costs a zoo five times more to keep a panda than it does to keep an elephant. [Shoot...that bamboo doesn't come cheap, you know.]
• One of the most widely recognized scents in the world is baby powder. [If chalk powder is tiny bits of chalk...]
• In 1994, a man escaped from a West Virginia prison using a rope made of dental floss.
• Sauerkraut was invented by the Chinese. [Apparently, the Germans did something to offend them (probably involving sheep brains), so they wanted to get even.]
• The average carrot has to travel 1, 836 miles to reach your dinner table. [All without a driver's license!]
• There are 40,000 toilet-related injuries annually in the U.S. [Good thing I'm not related to a toilet.]
• The average unwanted can of food sits in the cupboard 2.7 years before being thrown away. [Methinks I may be raising the average on that.]
• With a total of 300 million tires a year, the world's largest tire manufacturer makes the world's smallest tires. We're talking about Lego.
• The Romans wore socks with their sandals. [File under: Ancient Nerds]
• Walt Disney World uses 194,871 miles of toilet paper every year. [That stat just wipes me out.]

What a Wild, Wacky, Wonderful Weekend!

I've been around the track enough times to have heard it ad nauseum: "December is just too busy of a time to schedule anything." While I've heard it over and over, my actual experience has been the antithesis of it. It seems that people are so fearful of December being busy that nothing really happens. At least that's been my experience.

At least that's been my experience until this past weekend.

The perfect storm of December activities started Friday evening with our church's annual Ladies' Christmas Tea. A few weeks ago, The Lady In Charge contacted me and asked if I could pull together a few men to sing a couple songs for the ladies before the main attraction, which was a local high school's acapella group. As has been my downfall in the past, I couldn't think of a reasonable excuse not to do it, so I agreed to the task.

The ummmmm interesting challenge about it all was that the request was for the group to consist of guys that don't normally sing on a worship team...so that the ladies could fawn over some fresh faces. What made that a challenge was that these fellas not only didn't sing on a worship team (for the most part), they pretty much didn't sing any kind of harmony except by accident. Don't get me wrong, they were all great guys...marvelous, helpful attitudes...but we sang our songs in three different keys...at the same time.

The biggest hit of the evening was when we cleaned snow off car windshields.

Contribution number two to living up to the Christmas season busyness stereotype was Saturday's trip to Decorah, Iowa, for Christmas at Luther. It was a beautiful extravaganza with five choirs, four soloists, three instrumental groups, two handbell choirs, and a pipe organist in a pear tree. Driving two-and-a-half hours...each way...for an hour-and-a-half concert featuring carols that had all masculine pronouns surgically removed was a bit crazy, but our youngest, KayJay, was in one of the choirs. Whatcha gonna do, eh?

Sunday morning had its normal brand of hustle and bustle, but the cherry on the top of our Christmas-o-rama sundae was a 2 P.M. performance of Rosemount High School's production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It was done in the performing arts center in which Beloved and I have been supportive parents for the past 14 years...except that this was the first time we didn't have a child actually in the production we were watching. It was a great performance...but...well...strange.

In addition to the strangeness of being childless, the high schooler who played Pharoah (which is written to be an Elvis impersonation) would have been a better choice if the Pharoah's name was Elton John.

I'm just sayin'...

Things for Which I'm Thankful

• It is not against the law to stay home the day after Thanksgiving and completely ignore the feeding frenzy known as Black Friday.
• Three lovely and loving daughters; one witty and wonderful son
• Skyline chili (http://www.skylinechili.com/)
• Both my family and my in-laws live too far away for us to be able to (have to) drive to each of their houses for major holidays. (Okay...true truth: I kind of miss having a hundred and twelve people gathered around card tables for Thanksgiving.)
• Classic 70's albums on CDs
• Facebook
• Squirrels playing in our back yard
• Being able to watch squirrels playing in our back yard without having to actually be outside in the cold
• It doesn't cost a penny to post a blog and thereby pretend that people give a hoot about what you're writing.
• Looney Tunes
• My Beloved
• Digital cameras
• Action fleece jackets
• Free movies On Demand
• Popcorn
• Having started the tradition of buying a new Christmas tree ornament every year of our marriage...one that has something to say about the year. That has turned our tree into a memory aid.
• I no longer work during the night and sleep during the day.
• Silly Putty
• Automatic dishwashers
• I finally discovered that sweet potato casserole is actually a dessert.
• Free podcasts of Full Circle, a radio show looking back at early Jesus Music like Larry Norman, Randy Stonehill, Love Song, Honeytree...(http://www.fullcirclejesusmusic.com/)
• Toothpicks
• DVD special features
• Fried egg sandwiches
• Giggles
• It's a Wonderful Life, the movie
• It's a wonderful life, the reality.

...not necessarily in that order.