All This, and Yet I Am Not a Scrabble Champion

 

While playing a well-known crossword-creation game online, I was amused, and perhaps slightly nauseated, when I looked at my available letters and saw "LINTPIE".

Although the thought of consuming such a concoction certainly killed my appetite, it brought to life a string of thoughts, so I LEPT IN and called a TIP LINE.

I had just stabbed my mouth with my fork, so I was suffering from TINE LIP and couldn't really carry on a conversation. Instead, I fastened a TILE PIN to my shirt and tried to start a campfire...but I couldn't get the PINE LIT.

I was going to burn my mortgage, but since I couldn't get the fire going, I just stood there and stared at a LIEN PIT.

Trying to redeem my time, I cleared my hair of louse eggs until I had a nice little NIT PILE.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. X

 

The television series Castle, though firmly set in New York City, was filmed in Los Angeles.

The Archies (a cartoon musical group created for a television show) had a huge hit with the song "Sugar Sugar," which was originally offered to The Monkees (a human musical group created for a television show).

From my GPS while driving in Las Vegas: "At the light, turn right on Mel Torme Way and then turn left onto Sammy Davis Junior Avenue."

Somehow, the word horrified ought to have something to do with prostitutes.

The hashtag symbol (#) is called an octothorpe.

The King of Hearts is the only king in the deck without a mustache.

A single strand of spaghetti is called a spaghetto.

Crows hold funerals and gather together to mourn the passing of dead crows. Kind of ironic, considering that a group of crows is called a murder.

Reindeer eyes turn blue in winter for better low-light vision.

♫♪ Gimme dat ding

Gimme dat, gimme gimme dat

Gimme dat ding

Gimme dat, gimme gimme dat

Gimme dat ding

Gimme dat, gimme gimme dat

Gimme gimme gimme dat ding ♪♫

Change a Letter and Change a Band

 

All it would take is a single typo to completely change some of the greatest musical acts of all time.

Would anybody pay money to hear:

• The Why  -  ♫♪ "He's a pinball philosopher, there has to be a reason..."
• Talking Herds  -  If cows could speak
• Curtis Mayfiend  -  The first African-American punk star
• Nine Inch Sails  -  Industrial rock played on tiny boats
• James Tailor  -  ♫♪ "Oh, I've seen shirts, and I've seen pants..."
• Guns 'n Hoses  -  Like Village People, only everyone is either a cop or a firefighter
• Toe Petty  -  Music for those with a foot fetish
• Slack Sabbath  -  A band of non-practicing Jews
• Blue Öyster Colt  -  ♫♪ "Don't rear at the mollusk"

• Smashing Bumpkins  -  The soundtrack for tractor demolition derbies
• Earth Wino & Fire  -  There's one in every trio
• R2  -  Known for "These Still Aren't the Droids That You're Looking For"

• The Toasters  -  ♫♪ "Why's everybody always butterin' me?"
• Brood Sweat & Tears  -  Proving that chickens DO perspire and cry
• Pears Jam  -  Music to preserve fruit by
• The Beach Toys  -  Actually, this doesn't change things all that much
• Eaglet  -  ♫♪ "Welcome to the Preschool California..."
• The Polite  -  With their big hit, "If It's Not Too Much Trouble, Could You Please Stand Further Away From Me?"

People Was Peedpulled

 

According to Punny Pete, "The past tense of William Shakespeare is Wouldiwas Shookspeared."

Putting aside my strong opinion that the past tense of Will should be Did, not Would, this has set my mind to wandering...

...and wondering if you intelligent readers out there can understand who the following are passed tents renditions of...

1. Tom Hanked

2. Robbedin Didiwass

3. Wasy Granted

4. Did Rogered

5. Divorced-Keaten Olsen*

6. Didiwas Told

_______
* Yes, I kind of cheated on this one.

#ReplaceMovieTitlesWithSynonyms

 

This is the kind of thing that could have been strung out over a multitude of #TuesdayTrivia entries on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, but (to almost quote Back to the Future's Doc Brown) then I figured, what the H-E-double-hockey-sticks?

• The Diety Male Parent
• The Lightless Templar
• A Dozen Furious Fellows
• The Nobleman of the Finger Circlets
• Lurid Unreal Narrative

• The Excellent, the Awful, and the Unattractive
• Altercation League
• One Swooped Above and Past the Fool's Structure of Twigs, Grass, and Mud
• It's a Marvelous Animate Existence
• The Noiselessness of the Young Sheep

What No One Tells You About Lazarus

 

In the Scriptural account of Lazarus, I am left with a burning question.

For the uninitiated, let me summarize:

Lazarus was the brother of Mary and Martha. The three of them were close friends of Jesus and apparently hosted him and his band of unschooled ruffians at the family homestead from time to time.

As the story goes (in John 11), Lazarus got sick. Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, hoping he would rush to their side and heal their brother, as they had seen him heal so many others.

Unexpectedly, Jesus didn't jump up, put on his sandals, and hightail it to Bethany. Instead, he waited until Lazarus died, THEN headed out.

He arrived four days after the funeral. They had already wrapped Lazarus up and put him in a tomb. In fact, when Jesus walked to the gravesite and asked for the stone sealing the entrance to be rolled away, Martha warned him that it wasn't going to smell very good. (I love the King James Version at this point: "Lord, by this time, he stinketh.")

But they did as Jesus asked and Jesus brought Lazarus back to life!

It's a great story, and is pivotal in the narrative arc of Jesus being despised and eventually killed through the efforts of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

But what never gets talked about...by John or any other Biblical writer...is the fact that Lazarus didn't stay resurrected forever. There is no reason to doubt that sometime after all these events, either because of old age, or persecution by the Romans, or getting sick, Lazarus died...again.

Which leads me to my burning question:

Is Lazarus the only person to be re-hearsed?

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VII

 

The orange powder left on your hands after eating Cheetos is called "cheetle".

The two main male characters of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Leonard, were named in honor of the actor who played Nick the Bartender in It's a Wonderful Life.

According to a producer I know, Miley Cyrus can't carry a tune...at all.

The stories that say Karen Carpenter was on a popcorn-only diet are unsubstantiated rumors.

James Taylor's first single, "Carolina in My Mind," was released on The Beatles' Apple Records.

♫♪ Dewey Dewey Bo-Bewey, Banana Fanna Fo-Fooey, Fee Fi Mo-Mooey...Dewey! ♪♫

Before he was Gilligan, Bob Denver co-starred as a beatnik on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

On Sesame Street, Caroll Spinney was both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

When extended, a frog's tongue is about a third as long as the frog  -  as if our own tongues reached our belly buttons!

Chihuahua's are the world's smallest breed of dog...even though they look like rats.

All the Clouds Are Tired of Dancin': The 387th Greatest Song

 

So far, this series of posts on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time has included many a rewritten lyric, plenty of parodies, and several outright lies.

For Elton John's Tiny Dancer, the WorldWideWackfest has beaten me to it, most notably, with the replacement of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer" with "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

But what about:

• Hold my clothes, Sir Tony Danza.
• Old mean Joseph, mighty Panzer
• Told my story. Might have pantsed her.
• Old meat closed her briny answer

But none of these can match trying to make sense out of the actual lyric:

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Also known as:

Hang on tight, baby, and try to watch the road for me because I'm going to lie down and take a nap...even though YOU'RE the one who's actually been doing anything at all today.

Ah, Bernie Taupin, you're a master.

Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It

Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)

Echolocution Revisted

 

Consider, dear reader, the lowly contronym: a single word with two contradictory meanings. They don't happen often, but when they do, sentences become ... let's just say ... unique.

Release the door's bolt so I can bolt out of here.

I would be bound for Phoenix, if only my feet were not bound.

The restaurant had to garnish the chef's wages to be able to garnish the entrees.

She has a real servant's heart. She can't help but help.

We need to dust this room for fingerprints before the maid comes in to dust.

Make this rope fast to the rail, and do it fast.

We always do personalized work. It is our custom to do a custom job.

There is only one person left in the room. Everyone else left.

Here's something I'd like to throw out for your consideration: Let's throw out all members who haven't paid their dues.

Don't trip as you make your trip up the aisle.

Let's wind up this top, let it go, and try to guess where it might wind up.

If the bridge doesn't hold up, it's going to hold up traffic.

Let's put out feelers to see who can put out the fire.

A strike is when the batter fails to strike the ball.

The alarm is going off! Somebody needs to turn it off!

I need to lose weight. Otherwise, my belt buckle might buckle under the stress.

Please overlook this task so nothing gets overlooked.

The committee chose to sanction the sanction of plastic bags. (The committee approved the boycott of plastic bags.)

We're going to weather the stormy weather in this weathered barn. (Why am I weeding this sentence wike Elmer Fudd?)

A Vegetarian's Lit Mom: Movie Title Anagrams

 

Twisting letters. Twisting plots.

• Twelve Angry Men = Warm Gent Evenly (A dozen chefs argue how best to cook a refined man.)
• Return of the King = Fuehrer Knotting (The final Lord of the Rings film is about Hitler's hobby during his final days.)
• Pulp Fiction = Clip Fop Unit (Drastic surgery on an effeminate man)
• The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly = A Tough Tho Lengthy Bad Deed (Yep, that covers it.)

This is what happens when you let AI create a graphic for "A Tough Tho Lengthy Bad Deed"

• Forrest Gump = Forgets Rump (And I thought MY memory was bad!)
• The Matrix = Max Tither (Neo gives more to his church than anyone else.)
• It's a Wonderful Life = A Definite Fowl Slur ("In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little chicken!")
• Saving Private Ryan = Ivy Narrates Paving (A verbal creeping vine tells the tale of building a road.)
• Shawshank Redemption = A Sharpened Moth Winks (You only THOUGHT he dug his way out with a rock hammer.)
• The Godfather = The Hog Farted ("Leave the gun. Take the bacon.")

Police Report Creates Questions

 

'Tis a sorrowful thing to realize that local newspapers are dying off at an alarming rate. Where else could a person read a gem of a police report like I saw recently?

Officers took a suspicious activity call at 17XXX Gerdine Path. The homeowners reported an unknown male walking underneath their deck, attempting to take down their security camera. The male was wearing a face covering and a black robe. He left after unsuccessfully removing the camera. No suspect information at this time.

 

I have a few questions:

• What was suspicious about the activity call?
• If there is no suspect information, how do you know they were male? Or wearing a face covering and a black robe?

And the thing I'm most curious about...

How does one unsuccessfully remove a camera?

I can understand how someone could be unsuccessful in an attempt to remove a camera, but that's not what the police report says!

A Coarse Course in Echolocution

 

In past times passed
Pipes that leeched lead led to untimely deaths
And 'twasn't a rare thing when bread bred old mold

Did you ever break a brake?
It's a hard habit to halt
Your ewe of yore would need an aide to aid her

I bid bye-bye by buying passage
On a plain plane to two towns
I soon sighted the sites from somewhere in the air

I was sealing my ceiling
When I sensed a scent that sent me reeling
Checking if I needed to close my clothes

But still...

I know no reason to not knot my mai tai tie.

Sweet Mysteries of Life

 

...Well...maybe not so sweet...

via GIPHY

Why don't stores that sometimes have Quaker Oat Squares always have Quaker Oat Squares?

Who was the first to wonder about the chucking abilities of a woodchuck?

In the song Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, which came first, being foolish or being in love?

Why is minute spelled the same as minute? (As in, "It took me a minute to find the minute error.")

When I am inching my way backward out of a parking space, obviously unable to see if any other vehicle is approaching because of the cars parked on either side of me, why in the name of Farnsworth would you speed up to place your vehicle directly in my path?

Why is august spelled the same as August? (As in, "The august event will take place in August.")

And while we're at it, why do the words chew, chef, and chemistry all start with the same two letters but different sounds?

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VI

 

You know how the character Raj on The Big Bang Theory couldn't talk in the presence of women and how fake that seemed? That's a real condition called selective mutism and was based on a former co-worker of one of the creators/executive producers of the show.

The author of The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein, wrote a lot of songs, several of which became radio hits for other artists, e.g., Boy Named Sue (Johnny Cash), Cover of the Rolling Stone (Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show), One's on the Way (Loretta Lynn), and The Unicorn (Irish Rovers).

Maybe I should write a book titled Crying at Sunrise: Mourning All Morning.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

In the movie Jaws, Sherriff Brody's classic line after seeing the shark for the first time, "You're gonna need a bigger boat," was an ad lib by the actor, Roy Scheider.

Paul Lynde was once pulled over for driving on the sidewalk. The traffic cop flipped open his pad to write the ticket and Lynde said, “I’ll take a cheeseburger, hold the fries.” (And the cop chuckled and said, “Get outta here”!)

I have a cough that's so rough it ought to have brought the tree's bough through a dollop of dough.

Creative Spelling: The 402nd Greatest Song of All Time

 

In early 1970, Sly and the Family Stone had a Number 1 hit with a song that most of us called "Thank You for Lettin' Me Be Myself Again." Unlike most of the songs on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, the thing about this song that makes me chuckle and grin is an actual factual true truth.

The spelling of the song's title, as seen on record labels and Top 40 radio hit lists, wins an Almost the Truth Spelling It the Way It Sounds Certificate of Merit.

Behold. . . 

Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.

That's just wonderfully creative and leads a guy to imagine a vermin-themed Christmas scene worthy of Disney.

And it's reel, sew reel, sew reel, sew reel...kanyu diggit?

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. V

 

The amazing pain-killer Excedrine is just aspirin with caffeine.

I can't listen to Cat Stevens' "Wild World" anymore without being distracted by the clicking sound of the guitar pick.

Silver sliver. Silver sliver. Silver sliver.

The first VHS movie I ever purchased was Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and the purchase was made before we even had a tape player.

The first DVD movie I ever purchased was the box set for all three parts of Back to the Future, and the purchase was made before we even had a DVD player.

New Jersey is the only state that has no rural areas.

If you let a mixture of lemonade and Dr Pepper sit, they will separate, with the lemonade on the bottom.

Two-thirds of Canadians live south of Seattle.

More To Boldly Pun Where No One Has Ever Groaned Before

 

Having found out how practically effortless it is to steal Star Trek puns from across the World Wide Wackfest (but especially Riker's Beard), here's another collection of tidbits that will energize and transport you to TickleTown.

Sipping from the Stream of Consciousness

 

So I'm sitting here trying to think of some content to create in order to get a few weeks ahead in terms of posting in this space.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "So I'm sitting her trying to think..."

And I edited THAT sentence to add the bold italic formatting for the word "her".

Still don't know if that last period there should be inside or outside the closing quotation marks.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "don't know if that past period there..."

But I remembered to stop and start the bold italic formatting WHILE I was typing this time.

Cool.

So...what to write...or type...

I wonder what my blood type is. Pretty sure Beloved remembers, though I can't imagine why she does. 

Speaking of Beloved, when I got home from my Saturday morning shift at FastStop last weekend, she had already mowed the front AND back yards.

What a gal!

White Christmas: ♪♫ Mandy! What a gal!  ♪♫

Now THAT'S who should have starred as Barbie, right there!