Almost The News XXXV

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

U.S.Unexpectedly Loses 92,000 Jobs
In a press release, a spokesperson for the Labor Department said, "I put them right here and only turned my head away for a second!"

Millions Across Western Cuba Wake Up Without Power
Secretary of the Interior, Manuel Jose Hernandez: "¡Estoy tan cansado! ¡No tengo energía!"

Big Ten's Loaded Heavyweight Division Tests Gophers' Hopke
Minnesota freshman, Koy Hopke: "It will take everything I've got, but I'm gonna annihilate those fat drunks."

Massive Boom Heard from Ohio to Kentucky
Wow. That far, eh?

Maduro Asks Judge to Toss Drug Case
"Just throw it into the van there."

Man Accused of Killing Florida Woman with Hammer Faces Deportation
And yet, M.C. Hammer is still at large.

US and Iran Exchange Fire in Strait of Hormuz, Endangering Ceasefire
Um . . . pretty sure that firing at each other does more than just endanger the ceasefire, doesn't it? (Unless the fire they exchanged was sharing a match to light their cigars)

Bus and Pickup Truck Turn into House in South Minneapolis
A nearby man, dressed in a black suit with a cape and a tophat, is quoted as saying, "Presto Chango!"

Bill to Make Grooming a Crime Heading to Minnesota Senate Floor
Apparently, the state has had QUITE enough of all this hair-cutting and nail-trimming going on.

So THIS Is What A.I. Thinks of Me

 

They say curiosity killed the cat, so I really should have known better than to conduct this little experiment, but hey...I have never been accused of being significantly wiser than a cat.

For no reason in particular, I got to wondering what the major artificial intelligence entities "knew" about me. So I got to asking them.

I started with the algorithm that seems to have started the whole A.I. trend, ChatGPT:

It seems I have chatted with ChatGPT almost exclusively about my other blog, Truth Is..., and my personal blog (where book reviews have happened), DewDrops. That's fair enough, and this is a kind enough overview of what happens in those spaces.

Then I turned to the A.I. engine I use the most, CoPilot:

Very straightforward and factual. Little to no editorializing or sucking up. Well-played, CoPilot.

Finally, I went to X's A.I. entity, Grok:

Grok certainly did more research to provide its answer, but what a self-serving twit. "Your primary online presence is on X," my foot! With over 14-hundred friends on Facebook and fewer than 200 followers on X?

This isn't so much facts about me that Grok is reporting. It's more about what Grok thinks of itself and wants me to believe. (Oops. Did I just get political?)

Almost The News XXXIV

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Ghislaine Maxwell Pleads the Fifth During Her Deposition
"I'm sorry, I just drank 750 milliliters of whiskey and cannot answer coherently."

China Critic Jimmy Lai Sentenced to 20 Years in Prison
That'll teach him to badmouth our best dinnerware.

Minneapolis Council Member Suggests Moving Millions to Help Businesses
"I mean, I know that much money would certainly help MY business!"

Trump Threatens to Block Opening of New U.S.-Canada Bridge
...and all it will take is for him to lie down like a beached whale

House Votes to Slap Back Trump's Tariffs on Canada

https://youtu.be/7jySjwzktns?si=ApDosOy6MshrCYHN

Almost the News XXXIII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Russia Continues Attacks Amid Talks
Suspicions were confirmed when Soviet missiles hit the site of the peace talks a mere 30 seconds after the Russian representative was seen running from the building, screaming into his phone, "Now! I said fire now!"

Judge Denies Trump Bid to Toss Guantanamo Suit
"I doubt he has the upper-body strength to toss a salad, let alone a jacket, vest, and pants."

Staffer's Spending Among Highest
U.S. Rep. Brad Finstad would have had no problem with his chief of staff emptying the petty cash fund if he just hadn't done it while surrounded by his marijuana-infused friends.

Official Contradicts U.S. on Abrego Garcia
...while Señor Garcia screams, "Get off of me, por favor!"

Marco Rubio Tells Senators Venezuela Transition Won't Be Fast or Easy
"I mean, they've got to go through all the hormone treatments and counseling before you can even start thinking about surgery."

Super Bowl 60: Teddy Swims to Headline Tailgate Concert
Odd choice of transportation and pretty amazing, considering Levi's Stadium is around 35 miles from the coast.

Headlines to Hope for in 2026

 

Please, oh please, oh pretty pretty please!

Campaign Promises to Lower Prices Are Fulfilled

Hollywood Produces 10 Films People Actually Want to See

Minnesotans Give Up Their Juvenile Insistence on Calling "Duck, Duck, Goose" "Duck, Duck, Gray Duck"

Airlines Replace Tasteless So-Called Cookies with CornNuts

Ice Cream, Like Water, Declared Essential for Life and Free at All Restaurants

Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon Release Cover of Satchmo's "What a Wonderful World"

Campaigning for Mid-term Elections Restricted to Publishing of Position Papers

Waste-of-ink comic strip, Fred Basset, finally shuts down. #FredBassetMustDie

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime

Almost the News XXXII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Two Face Federal Charges in 900-pound Meth Bust
Man! What cup size would that be?

Wheelchair Games Draw Veterans from 41 States
"Look! In this one, I've got the drill sergeant actually smiling."

With Scores Still Missing, a Quest to 'Find Every Soul'
Fans of the Ghost Hunters television series will be glad to know the show will continue, even without background music.

GOP Wants Larger Field in Race for Governor
...otherwise, the runners will always be turning, with no straightaways at all.

Democrats Attack Trump's Tax Bill
Led by Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego, the attack started by coming up the bill's right flank and then sweeping across its path with a barrage of amendments.

U.S. Stocks Back Off Slightly from Highs
"Health reasons" were given as the catalyst for smoking less dope.

Senators Press UHG After Latest Hack
"Once again," said Senator Imma Taylor, "the person we hired for the job failed. He left the UHG so wrinkled, we just had to do the job ourselves."

Almost the News XXXI

 

Real Headlines. Fake News

South Korea's Impeached President Formally Arrested
It was a black-tie affair at the Seoul Jail

Manure Practices Harming Well Water
Coach Taurus Scat is quoted as saying "I think we'll have it down pat in time for the weekend."

Waterlogged South, Midwest Face Rising Rivers, Flash Floods
No word yet on the filing of charges for indecent exposure

Fed Up, State GOP Fights Far-right Group
Party spokesperson, O. Penmouth, said, "There's no way we were going to try this on an empty stomach."

Clinton Remembers Oklahoma City Bombing
The former president is quoted as saying, "Now, if only I could remember where I left my phone."

Teachers Accuse Board of Meddling
Ossian Elementary's Mrs. Hunter: "Stupid piece of wood has no business even expressing an opinion."

Observed Absurdities™ 68 - Wyoming Edition

 

A-way back in the middle of last month, Beloved and I took 10 days to drive to, around, and back from the 44th state of the union, Wyoming.

In spite of the fact that Wyoming was the first state to take the progressive step of giving women the right to vote, it is mostly an old-fashioned, hard-core center of GetOffMyProperty individualism.

But that did not keep us from observing some decidedly absurd things during our visit.

Take, for instance, the following storefront sign that refuses entrance to any humans:

Or this confusing bit of mislabeling:

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

There was one sight that, while being absurd, was certainly not humorous.

We toured the Heart Mountain WWII Memorial Japanese Relocation Center near Powell, Wyoming. It shed light on a shameful, but mostly forgotten, chapter in the history of the United States...when thousands of Americans of Japanese descent  -  most of whom were U.S. citizens  -  were taken from their homes, stripped of any possessions that wouldn't fit in a single piece of baggage, and imprisoned in thrown-together towns of wood-and-tar-paper barracks surrounded by barbed wire and equipped with armed guards.

One of the most surprising sights at the site was this editorial cartoon, depicting Japanese Americans as potential saboteurs. What was so surprising about it, you ask? The fact that it was drawn by Dr. Seuss!

Green Eggs and Propaganda?

Never Hurts to Ask

 

There's no doubt in my mind that policing is a difficult job. Trying to keep our roadways and neighborhoods safe and free from crime is a noble calling.

Every so often, our highly-trained professional law enforcement officers need a little help, and there is no shame in realizing one's limitations and asking for it.

Sometimes that help comes from a concerned citizen. Sometimes, the police are hoping it comes from an ignorant perp.

For instance . . .

The following is a direct quote from a Lakeville, Minnesota police report:

Officers were dispatched to a found property call. Upon arrival, officers were handed a phone. Tucked in the back of the phone was a small baggie with cocaine inside. The phone was damaged, so officers were unable to identify an owner. If you know of anyone who lost their phone recently with a small baggie of cocaine in the phone case, please let them know we have it.

Almost the News XXIX

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Cardinal Convicted of Embezzlement
"It took quite a while to get to federal crime status, considering how little cash at a time that bird could carry in its beak."

Three Injured in Paris Train Station Attack
WHY they attacked, we may never know, but their ability to attack, despite the injuries they received in a Paris train station, is noteworthy.

Natural Disasters Taking Toll on Insurers
Local State Farm agent Phil Coffers was refused entrance onto the Lincoln Bridge unless he paid $4 to Hurricane Lulu.

Deaths Reported After Butt Lift Surgery
Statistician Ittle Addup says, "Well, of course people die after having that surgery! No one performs a surgery after the patient dies."

Proposals on Youth Crime Have a Familiar Ring
""Sweetheart, I stole this from your mother. Will you marry me?"

Senator Pushing for Financial Transparency
In a recent press release, Senator John Marty said, "Just think how cool it would be if we could see through a ten-dollar bill!"

Local Athletes Can Call Themselves NCAA Champs
It doesn't make it so, but they can still call themselves champs.

Meaningful Conversation
Kind of sad this is newsworthy, eh?

Housing Officials Offer Homelessness Plan
"You want to become homeless and we can help."

Hoped-For Headlines for 2024

 

With a little luck, some of these just might get printed for real.

Last-minute Candidate with Brains and an Actual Moral Compass Wins Write-in Campaign for the Presidency

Longmire Returns to Television with a 5-year Contract

All Music Recorded in the 21st Century Mysteriously Disappears

The Health Benefits of Kale Revealed as a Hoax

It Is No Longer Fashionable to Broadcast One's Sexual or Gender Proclivities

Supreme Court Rules That Yelling Does Not Make Your Stupid Theory Correct

Usage of "Should Of" Instead of "Should've" or "Should Have" Results in Large Fines

Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie

Almost the News XXVI

Genuine Headlines. Fake News.

Bison Find Minnesota Ranch to Their Liking
Salad dressing made in other states doesn't seem to please their palates.

Ramsey County Sheriff Is Ordered to Cut Jail Population
with a really big knife.

Family Detained After Shooting Gets $700K
Why did they wait until after the shooting got paid off to detain the family?

Migrants Relieved to Reach U.S.
In order to make it from their home countries to American soil, the latest group of migrants used the draining of their bladders as a power source.

Fragile DFL Majorities Stayed United for Change
"Yes," commented DFL party president, Wedo Upay, "The amount we accepted for staying together was quite small. Pocket change, really."

Kissinger Turns 100 and Is Still Active in Global Affairs
The world is amazed at how long Henry Kissinger has kept himself safe from jealous husbands.

Rural Patients Pained by Shortage of Care Providers
One partially-paralyzed farmer is quoted as saying, "It's bad enough I need help taking care of myself; couldn't they find somebody a little taller?"

Hoped-For Headlines for 2023

 

If I had my druthers, we'd all be seeing headlines like these in the coming months.

All Viruses Vacate the Vicinity

27 Years Later, Bill Watterson Reboots Calvin & Hobbes

Twitter Fades Into Nothingness

Minnesota Finally Stops Taxing Social Security Income

Fred Basset Succumbs to the Will of the People and Ceases Publication

M*A*S*H Reunion Sees Hawkeye Delivering the Baby of the World's Oldest Mother...Hotlips

Self-Shoveling Driveways Now Economically Feasible

Political Ads Banned Until September 2024

Digesting Dr Pepper Burns More Calories Than It Contains

Almost the News XXV

 

Real headlines. Unreal news.

Justice Jackson Is Making Herself Heard On Court
It turns out, she just needed to shout the tennis score a little louder.

Rhodes Advised Trump How To Stay In Office
"Do not go through that door to the hallway."

Seniors Strike Back Against Soaring Rents
A group of 12th-graders from a local high school is protesting the use of parental chaperones on their flight to Europe.

Russia Suspends Deal To Export Grain
Russian spokesperson, Vladimir Talkonavich, says the International Poker Championship will resume once they are finished shipping grain to other countries. 

Tax Facts-ish

 

The Infernal Revenue Service has a lot of power it can wield in its unflagging effort to extract from the citizens of the U. S. of A. enough funds to keep the government well-stocked in pork barrels and erasable tape.

One of the IRS's superpowers is the ability to do its dirty work completely in the shadows, undetected by mere mortals. They can keep a secret better than Cher's plastic surgeon.

For instance, did you know...

• The IRS doesn't really know how much money anyone owes. They just throw out random numbers, trusting in the average citizen's lack of expertise.
• IRS agents are all participants in the witness protection program.
• 27% of all tax returns are tear-stained.
• Who gets audited is decided by a complex algorithm involving gross income, submission date, and Twitter followers.
• Tax money submitted after the deadline is used to buy lottery tickets...or thrown away...not that there's any difference.

Almost the News XXIII

 

Real headlines. Almosted stories.

City Appoints First Woman as Mayor
In the first political use of time travel, the city council in Eden, North Carolina has replaced the late Mayor Bubba Rotunda with Eve.

Police Chief to Retire
In a show of solidarity with the city's grease monkeys, police chief Hiredtu Katchem changed the tires on all the squad cars.

MPD Training Video Under Fire
In this breaking news, a VHS tape used to train Minneapolis police officers is currently trapped in an alley while being shot at.

6 Charged in Organized Mass Thefts on Black Friday
In a special Black Friday session, the 6 thieves who stole several well-planned masses were electrocuted.

Shooting Survivors Expand Suit Against School
In a dizzying display of quantum physics, a matching set of pants and jacket that is leaning on Oxford High School is growing larger every time an episode of the television series Survivor is shot.

Hoping for These Headlines in 2022

 

If only, Lord, if only...

Skyline Chili Opens Locations in Apple Valley, Saint Paul, and the Mall of America

Walter Cronkite Returns to Broadcast News with Integrity and Reliability

Hulu and Paramount+ End Ads for Subscribers Because They're Already Paying for the Service

All Variants of COVID-19 Now in Rearview Mirror

Congress Admits They Need Term Limits and Unanimously Passes the Legislation

Minnesota Blogger Tapped to Write for The Babylon Bee

#AmericanizeAMovie

 

In honor of the upcoming Independence Day Neighborhood Explosion Competition, let us ponder the restructuring of some of our favorite movies to emphasize Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The Obesity Games  -  Katniss Everfull eats her way to victory.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of ICE  -  Harry and Ronald are detained at the border.

The Wizard of Odds  -  Biopic about the creation of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Pride and Prejudice  -  Uhhhh yep.

Singin' on the Train  -  A musical set on a cross-country Amtrack experience.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Greed  -  Famed archeologist, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr., stumbles upon a secret cult of hedge fund managers.

Saving Ryan's Privates  -  I.T. security in the porn industry.

Willy Wonka and the Undocumented Chocolate Factory Workers  -  Just exactly what is the immigration status of all those Oompa-Loompas?

Forest Dump  -  A documentary about secret stashes of old washing machines, Corvairs, and mattresses.

It's a Wonderful Lie  -  Political intrigue...or...business as usual.

Beware of Falling Rocks: The 459th Greatest Song of All Time

 

It's going to be hard to write about this.

Here we are. We've come to number 459 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time. It's a song that is the name-source for one of the greatest rock-and-roll bands of all time AND the magazine the list appears in.

"Rollin' Stone" is a reworked version of an earlier song, "Catfish Blues," recorded in 1948 by none other than Muddy Waters.

How am I suppose to crack wise about a song with such a pedigree?

Maybe I can fumble around with the artist's name: Muddy Waters. Not to be confused with the former head of the Ohio Department of Transportation, Dusty Rhodes, or the long-time weather guy on Fort Wayne, Indiana's ABC affiliate, Jay Walker.

#TrueStory

Maybe I should chastise the lyricist for the second verse:

I went to my baby's house
and I sit down oh, on her steps.
She said, "Now, come on in now, Muddy.
You know, my husband just now left."

I suppose the minute I call Muddy's morals into question, someone will tell me he's singing about visiting his daughter's house, but waiting for the son-in-law to leave.

#YeahRight