Friday, October 18, 2019

Bowie's Burning Questions


In 1975, David Bowie killed off his Ziggy Stardust bit in favor of something he called "plastic soul", which resulted in the 481st greatest song of all time, "Young Americans".

I confess that I have never been a huge fan of Bowie. My knowledge base for him includes only five items:

     1.  The song, "Fame"
     2.  A Christmas duet with Bing Crosby
     3.  His appearance in the Jim Henson movie, Labyrinth
     4.  The song, "Space Oddity"
     5.  His duet video of "Dancing in the Streets" with Mick Jagger



And now there's this song, "Young Americans," which includes the following urgent inquiries:


  • Do you remember your President Nixon?
  • Do you remember the bills you have to pay?
  • Ain't there a man who can say no more? 
  • Ain't there a woman I can sock on the jaw?
  • Ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
  • Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
  • Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?


It's amazing that anyone this confused and confusing could ever have invented such a famous knife.


Friday, October 11, 2019

"Is He Even Breathing?!!?"


I'm not as lively as I once was, and I've got technological proof.

You know those light switches that are motion-sensitive? You know what I mean. A company wants to save money on its electricity bill, so it installs these switches that turn off the lights in a room after a set amount of time of there being no activity in that room.

Well, my current place of employment has those in the restroom.

I just got back from a visit to said restroom wherein the lights turned off because of my stillness.

Three times.

Hey...isn't there a reason it's called a RESTroom?



Friday, October 4, 2019

Observed Absurdities™ 45 - A Lotta Bad Stuph Not Included


A recent trip through the aisles of my local large grocery enterprise left me wondering about the quality of foodstuffs being stuffed into my piehole.

I was la-la-la-ing past the frozen foods when I looked up to see a sign that was trying its best to assure me of the high quality of the food Wild Harvest was offering for purchase:



My first thought: Has it come to this? Just like in politics, where it's not sufficient to expound on your own positive traits, but you've also got to make sure everyone understands your opponent's faults and failings  -  so it is (apparently) with groceries. Not satisfied to tell me all the good stuph included in the bags of frozen vegetables, now the Wild Harvest folks feel compelled to let me know what bad things are NOT included.

My second thought: This list of 140 bad things being referenced...is that an exhaustive list? I mean, are there only 140 "undesirable ingredients" in existence?

If so, I want to see this list. I know there are some very particular things that I particularly want to know there are no particles of in my food:


Snake Venom
Horse Sweat
Cow Cud
Cat Barf
Couch Cushion Detritus
Bloody Gauze
Asparagus

Friday, September 27, 2019

18 is 482, AOK?


Try not to be shocked at this, but Alice Cooper was lying when he recorded the 482nd-greatest song of all time, "I'm Eighteen".



Late-winter/early-spring of my 8th-grade year, when I was not yet 14, "I'm Eighteen" spent thirteen weeks on the charts.

It was a pretty rockin' way to express the late-teen angst of not being sure who you were and being, at that time, old enough to fight in a war but not old enough to vote.

Even though I wasn't eighteen, I still claimed my unalienable right to be filled with angst.

Angst a lot, America!


But here's the really amazing thing.

When I searched the World Wide Wackfest for Alice Cooper's birthdate, I found out that he was an American sculptor born April 8, 1875.

That's right, Alice Cooper sang "I'm Eighteen" when he was 96 years old.

Which makes him, at the time of this writing, exactly as old as he looks.


Friday, September 20, 2019

Gimme a Nun-Worn Aftershave (Even More Fun with Anagrams)


There are secret secrets to be revealingly revealed when a person shiftily shifts letters around to a decidedly different order...

A double negative, but still a valid observation about the U. S. Government  -  Never not smug

An obscure collection curated by Tom Hanks  -  Monk hats

A new slogan for Cable News Network (CNN)  -  We Celebrant Wonks

In the interest of fairness, a disturbing headline from Fox News Network  -  Wonk Went for Sex

The only surprise here is that any president would admit this  -  I pretends

Hawkeye Pierce declares his disdain of war  -  Why, I reek peace!



The world's first palindrome, Madam I'm Adam, becomes a wicked son's request  -  Maim Dad, Mama.

Apparently, a McDonald's QuarterPounder was involved in some little-known wordplay  -  Quoted rarer pun

An encouraging cheer for my mom, Georgina Roth  - Go, hog trainer!

#TrueTruth about my Beloved, Debbie Roth  -  Bride be hot

Friday, September 13, 2019

Me and My Big Guffaw


Sometimes, my sense of humor gets me noticed in ways I'd rather not get noticed.

There I was, politely sitting toward the front of the sanctuary, listening to RadBrad sermonize about why some folks are less-than-eager to openly talk about their faith. One reason he mentioned is that there is a fear of a negative response from the people we talk to.

To give us some perspective on how relatively-minor anyone's negative response would be compared to what, say, the Apostle Paul went through, RadBrad asked:


"Have any of you ever been stoned?"

Believe it or not, I was the only person who laughed out loud at that.

A merry heart worketh like medicine, my foot.




Friday, September 6, 2019

I Obviously Don't Understand Heaven


In May of 1987, when The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" was released, and for the 19 weeks it was on the charts, I was nowhere near a Top 40 radio station.

And I'm pretty sure I couldn't be happier.

There are a couple things I just don't get about this song:
     1.   Why it's listed as the 483rd greatest song of all time when it never even got above 40 on the radio charts
     2.   What the farnsworth is it trying to say?



It starts out with some decidedly PG-13 quotes from the singer's girlfriend:


"Show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream," she said
"The one that makes me laugh," she said
And threw her arms around my neck

But before the first verse is over, she's getting all accusatory and whiney: 

"Why are you so far away?" she said
"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?
That I'm in love with you?"

Then things get all weird and poetic and I don't know if it's still the girlfriend talking or the singer:


You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
Just like a dream

Not only like a dream, but an actual dream, judging by the second verse:


Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone
Alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved...

NOW I get it, he's singing about his dead girlfriend.


...And drowned her...

How sad!


...deep inside of me

Wait...what???


You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

Soft...lost...lonely...HOW IS THAT JUST LIKE HEAVEN??!!?