Friday, April 3, 2020

Maltreat a Thing's Vows: TV Show Title Anagrams

Let's see, if I move this vowel to where that consonant is and subtract the square of the hypotenuse... 

  • Hogan's Heroes = Goon Rehashes  (Sgt. Schultz goes over everything he hasn't seen and doesn't know.)
  • The Price Is Right = Hitcher Tries Pig  ("Well, I've never had bacon before, but since you were nice enough to give me a free ride, I suppose I can give it a shot.")
  • This Is Us = Sis Is Hut  (Yep, that's about right.)
  • The Big Bang Theory = Thy Hetero Gabbing  (Yep, that's about right.)

  • The Waltons = Snot Wealth  (John Boy and ALL his siblings get the sniffles all at once.)
  • Law and Order = Radar On Lewd  (This explains where the writers get their story ideas.)
  • The Addams Family = Mahatmas' Fly Died  (So THAT'S how it started!)
  • How I Met Your Mother = Either Mow Your Moth  (...or what? Mow my moth or WHAT??!? Augh!!!)
  • Saturday Night Live = Nutty Vigils Ahead  (Indeed!)
  • The Munsters = He Rents Smut  (The secret, untold story of Herman Munster!)

Friday, March 27, 2020

Somebody Sabotaged the Greatest Songs List

What with thousands upon thousands of songs having been written throughout all of recorded and non-recorded history, it's obvious that a list of the 500 greatest songs of all time is going to :

     1.  Be really difficult to whittle down to
     2.  Leave out a lot of really good songs

What that list should NOT do, however, is include a 3-minute compilation of screams, record scratches, and a single guitar chord being throttled to within an inch of its life.

And yet...

That's exactly what Rolling Stone did when it decided "Sabotage", by Beastie Boys, should be honored with the 475th place on the list.

"Alone Again Naturally" (Gilbert O'Sullivan) didn't make the list.

"American Pie" (Don McLean) didn't make the list.

"Amazing Grace", "Classical Gas", and "I'll Follow the Sun" are nowhere to be found on the high and holy list...

...and yet they made room for "Sabotage" with its total lack of melody and indiscernible lyric.

What's my Senator's address??!?

Friday, March 20, 2020

You Won't Believe How Much They Want For My Book

It's always kind of a risky thing to search for yourself on the World Wide Wackfest (WWW). You could very easily find out things about yourself that you'd rather not know.

I thought I was fairly safe, though, to search for my book, Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks, on Amazon. I just wanted to see what Amazon and the other sub-distributors were selling it for.

The answer I found almost put me into a seizure.

On one end of the spectrum was the expected insult to my ego: Amazon Prime offering brand new copies of my precious literary child for $2.97 with free shipping and $0.21 estimated tax.

But the listing that caused a coronary was by an enterprise called AllPro Books. (Yes, that's the real name. I am not afraid to call these fine folks out in recognition of their audacity.) Their asking price ... man, I can hardly even type this without shaking ... they are expecting folks to shell out $982.90, plus $70.31 in estimated tax, for a USED copy. Not even a "Like New" used copy, nor one in "Very Good" condition. These Internet-based pirates are charging that choke-a-horse price for a "Used - Good" copy.

But wait! There's more!

They also seem to think they would be forced to go bankrupt if the buyer doesn't chip in $3.99 for shipping.

I know what you're thinking: "That's insane! They'll never sell anything with prices like that! AllPro Books is run by idiots!"

But observe...

In the past 12 months, they've received 245 ratings, 87% of which were positive.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

P.S. The pages are made out of paper, just in case you are running short of any particular kind of paper product. You may want to order a case of these from

Friday, March 13, 2020

Ersatz E Words

An exiguous excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Each  (n)  -  Pain felt by the fifth letter of the alphabet

Eagle (n)  - A pecie of bird epecially adapted to living near an ocean or ea and cavenging for french frie thrown by viiting tourit.

Earlike (n)  -  What Dwight D. Eisenhower would have been called if he were a British nobleman

Earliness (adj)  -  The quality or state of being an earl

Earplug (v)  -  To carry or tote an air sickness bag when it is full

Earthling (n)  -  Medical devithe worn when one hath thprained one'th ear

Earwig (n)  -  What all the fashionable-yet-bald ears are wearing this season

Easiness (clause)  -  Phrase used while explaining how to spell the author's name: "Dasindog, Easiness, Wasinwater..."

Easterly (adj)  -  Having the quality of a resurrection celebration

Extreme (n)  -  A dry riverbed

Friday, March 6, 2020

Mick Takes Risk; Foreigner Scores Hit

When a fellow has loved and lost, he ends up being torn between at least two conflicting thoughts:

     1.  "Man, I don't ever want anything even close to that to happen to me again."

     2.  "Man, I miss the way it used to be when I wasn't single."

What to do? What to do?

Well, if you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you write a song about the burden of loneliness ("Now this mountain I must climb; feels like the world upon my shoulders")  and the determination to take a risk again. ("Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life. I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.")

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you get the New Jersey Mass Choir to sing on the record and they form a circle and recite the Lord's Prayer before the tape starts rolling.

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you ride that song all the way to Number 1 on the charts and Number 476 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time".

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you open the song with a quatrain that makes absolutely no sense. ("I've gotta take a little time; a little time to think things over." [Okay, THAT makes sense, but what's up with the next two lines?] "I better read between the lines, in case I need it when I'm older.")

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, I'm pretty sure you're not wasting your time reading this blog.

Friday, February 28, 2020

Commas Save Lives!

I'm pretty sure it didn't start with me.

In fact, I'm positive I am not the originator of this thought and its example.

I bet I could even find a meme based on it.

The thought:
Commas save lives.

The example:
The simple difference between an exuberant invitation to share a meal together and a call to cannibalism.

Notice the difference a single comma can make:

"Let's eat, Grandma!"  vs. "Let's eat Grandma!"

While setting off a noun-of-address with a comma (as in the above example) is a consistent rule of grammar, there's another use of commas that has become a bit of a controversy.

I speak of the Oxford comma; also known as the serial comma. It's that friendly little period-with-a-tail that appears before the word "and" when writing a list of three or more things.

Allow me to demonstrate.

There at the table sat my two ex-wives, Tom Hanks, and a large bulldog.

Clearly, there are three persons and a canine entity sitting at the table in question. But without the Oxford comma, the table only has one human and one dog, both of which I was once married to: "There at the table sat my two ex-wives, Tom Hanks and a large bulldog."


By the way...yes, I was able to find that meme I mentioned:

Friday, February 21, 2020

There's Something About This That's Just Not Right

Every so often, our editors here at Almost the Truth like to take a look at what significant events have taken place on any given date.

Okay, that's not true.

There ARE no editors here at Almost the Truth. It's just me.

It's also not true because I don't necessarily LIKE doing historical research. It's just that...every so often...I have to scramble to create some kind of content and I've found that history can usually provide something worthy of skewering.

FOR EXAMPLE... says that on February 21, 1173, Pope Alexander III canonized Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury. I read that and get an image in my head of a very Barnum-like Pope Alex III at a three-ring circus, firing Tom Becket out of a cannon.

And I think...that's probably not right.

February 21, 1937: Initial flight of the first successful flying car, Waldo Waterman's Arrowbile. Where did THAT name come from? Sounds like a poison Robin Hood would use.

That's probably not right, either.

On February 21, 1923, Andre Charlot's musical "Rats" premiered in London:
All alone in the crawlspace
Shoving cheese into my face
I prefer peanut butter

Definitely not right.

On this date in 1969, Ted Williams signed a 5-year contract to manage Washington Senators...and some jokes just write themselves.