#TurnASeventiesSongIntoAHalloweenHit

 

I've never been a huge fan of Halloween and I may have just figured out why. It just doesn't have any good songs!

Sure there's "Monster Mash" by Bobby "Boris" Pickett, and Michael Jackson's "Thriller," but if we're being honest, the only really good marginally-Halloween-themed song doesn't even have any words: "Frankenstein" by the Edgar Winter Group.

Momma always said not to complain unless you had an idea on how to fix the problem, so here we go...tweaking some of the best songs from the best decade of music to turn them into holiday hits on the macabre side.

Suspended Over Troubled Water  -  Simon & Garfunkel sing about a classic dungeon scene

Guillotine Keeps Choppin' Off My Head  -  ♫♪ And just like that, the guy makes sure that I am dead ♪♫

Spirit in the Guy  -  Norman Greenbaum's salute to demonic possession

The Long and Winding Rope  -  ♫♪ That wraps 'round your neck ♪♫

One Bad Apple  -  This time, the Osmonds are telling the tale of how Snow White's evil stepmother put her to sleep

How Can You Reanimate a Stolen Heart  -  ♫♪ How can you stop the blood pressure from going down ♪♫

You've Got a Fiend  -  James Taylor's dark side

Gypsys, Tramps & Werewolves  -  ♫♪ They chase you through the woods and make you howl at midnight ♪♫

The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face  -  Roberta Flack takes her number one hit to a Texas massacre

American Die  -  ♫♪ Drove my Chevy to the levee where I buried this guy ♪♫

A Ghost With No Name  -  A song about going through the desert with an anonymous spook

Tie a String of Garlic Round the Old Oak Tree  -  ♫♪ Make those vampires flee far away from me ♪♫

Killing Me Softly With His Saw  -  Roberta Flack's follow-up hit

Bennie and the Banshees  -  ♫♪ She's got lethal nails and a voice that wails ♪♫

50 Ways to Cleave Your Lover  -  Paul Simon gives several new meanings to the word "hacker"

What Is the Vertical Magnitude of the Sentimentally Charged Interpersonal Attachment You Experience?: The 366th Greatest Song

 

I have a theory that says the only reason people liked "How Deep Is Your Love" so much is that it was juxtaposed next to all the disco on the Bee Gees' album Saturday Night Fever. You know, like how in high school I only hung out with guys uglier than me...so I would look good in comparison. (Of course, there were only two guys in the whole school who met that qualification.)

Another possible point of interest in the song might be this #FunFact divulged by Rolling Stone:

The Bee Gees' work for Saturday Night Fever was recorded during a famed two-and-a-half-week-long session at a chateau in northern France, where, according to Barry Gibb, "six classic lesbian porno scenes [were] filmed."

 

For the Record:

1. I'm fairly certain the porno scenes were not filmed at the same time the Bee Gees were recording.

2. Now that I'm aware of this connection, I'm wondering which movie they meant "How Deep Is Your Love" to be part of.

I know your eyes in the mornin' sun

I feel you touch me in the pourin' rain

And the moment that you wander far from me

I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze

Keep me warm in your love, then you softly leave

And it's me you need to show

How deep is your love?

I'm just sayin'!

Observed Absurdities™ 74 - Is It Just Me?

 

Beloved and I were taking a short vacation in the Hoosier state to celebrate her high school class reunion last month.

We were staying with some of our very best friends, who I have yet to make up any Almost nicknames for.

We were being treated to dinner in an upscale steakhouse in beautiful downtown Fort Wayne.

I was personally unprepared for what I immediately saw when I walked into the men's room at said steakhouse.

Behold . . .

Is it just me, or would anyone else be slightly confused? I'm not kidding; I backed up and double-checked the sign on the door.

Of course, when I realized it was just an image on the wall, I didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed.

Arguable Advice from the Fab Four

 

With 213 songs to their credit, the Beatles were bound to stumble upon a few wise words here and there. "Let it be" and "Money can't buy me love" come easily to mind.

But let's remember that the Mop Tops were only human. Not everything that sprang from the grooves of their records can be considered "speaking words of wisdom." I offer, therefore, the following list of Beatlesque advice that might make you think twice.

• Your loving give me a thrill, but your loving don't pay my bills. Now give me money. That's what I want.
• Gather round, all you clowns. Let me hear you say, "Hey you've got to hide your love away."
• Leave it all till somebody else lends you a hand.
• Baby, you can drive my car, and maybe I'll love you.

• If the sun don't come, you get a tan from standing in the English rain.
• Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.
• Happiness is a warm gun.
• Let this be a sermon. I mean everything I've said. Baby, I'm determined, and I'd rather see you dead. You better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. Catch you with another man, that's the end, ah, little girl.
• Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void. It is shining, it is shining.
• Picture yourself in a boat on a river with tangerine trees and marmalade skies.
• And it really doesn't matter. If I'm wrong, I'm right.
• Roll up for the magical mystery tour! Step right this way!
• Why don't we do it in the road?

This One Will Sneak up On You: The 367th Greatest Song

  

Cream's Top Ten hit, "White Room," was birthed by a period of drug and alcohol excess. We should have realized that the minute we heard the lyrics.

Let's allow CoPilot to visually interpret the first verse:

In a white room, with black curtains, near the station...

Black roof country, no gold pavements, tired starlings...

Silver horses, ran down moonbeams, in your dark eyes...

Dawn light smiles, on you leaving, my contentment...

All of which sounds and looks reasonably normal (moonbeam-running horses notwithstanding) until we hit the chorus:

I'll wait in this place where the sun never shines
Wait in this place where the shadows run from themselves...

Eeek!

Happy Dolly Parton Day!

 

Warping  9 to 5, what a way to cross the cosmos

Two levels down, they're holding a princess in a jail cell

Searchers for some droids
That is what we are
So we ambled in
This cantina/bar

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene...

I'm begging of you, please don't take my Death Star plan

Almost the News XXXVII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Rally Held in Minneapolis for Man Fatally Shot by Police in Madison
Rally spokesperson: "We were legally holding a rally for this man. The Madison PD had no right to fatally shoot us."

2 Teens Arrested After Attempted Carjacking in Minneapolis
"The fact that they couldn't successfully lift the car to change its tire is just a crime!"

Police Warn of Urban Exploring After Death
"There be ghosts wandrin' round these alleyways..."

St. Paul Could See Property Tax Hikes
A news release from forensic ancient literature expert, Along Tymago, states that the Apostle Paul predicted rising property tax rates as long ago as the first century AD.

Wolves to Retire Kevin Garnett's Jersey on Feb. 28
Starting March 1st, Garnett will be playing shirtless.

Testimony to Resume after Lindsay Clancy Jury Sent Home Early
"Okay, now that the bothersome jury is gone, let's get down to business..."

Attention: Airport Pick-ups/Drop-offs Could Be Cumbersome Next Few Days
This announcement from airport officials, of course, represents absolutely no change whatsoever from the normal state of affairs.

Bench Dedicated to Boy Killed in Minneapolis School Shooting Nearly 1 Year Ago
Why we're telling you about it now is a mystery.

Residents Weigh In on New Police Chief
...even though it would be much easier to use a bathroom scale

Desperate Search for Nepal Flood Survivors Enters Critical Phase
Search coordinator, Luke N. Finedem: "In this phase, everybody starts whining, complaining, and talking about how they would run things differently."