Friday, September 29, 2023

Change One Letter and Create a Movie


Here I am, offering help to the screenwriters and producers of the world who seem to be positively desperate for ideas.

Hack to the Future  -  "Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a taxi?"

Hack to the Future

The Green Bile  -  A supernatural tale of everyone on death row getting sick

The Lizard of Oz  -  "Oh my, Toto! Tails regrow so quickly here!"

A Can Called Otto  -  You've heard of the John. You're familiar with the Biffy. You've experienced the Powder Room. Now meet Otto.

The Darn Knight  -  "These socks need to be mended and you're not going to stop me."

Star Bars Episode IV: A New Hope - Maybe Charlie Sheen won't get bounced out this time.

Schindler's Lisp  -  "Thith pin. Two people. Thith ith gold. Two more people."

It's a Wonderful Wife  -  Actually...this doesn't change the movie at all.

Tight Club  -  "The first rule of Tight Club is...nobody fits in Tight Club."

Saving Primate Ryan  -  The adventures of a small squad of zoo keepers looking for a lost chimpanzee.

Jews  -  "You're gonna need a bigger yarmulke."

Done With the Wind  -  Set in the waning days of the Civil War, an entitled Southern belle could simply not care less about an approaching tornado.

Friday, September 22, 2023

Friday, September 15, 2023

Waa! Waa! Waa!: The 418th Greatest Song


On Rolling Stone magazine's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," the editors usually have a little something to say about each song: What makes it so great; who wrote it and why, etc. With "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by Crosby, Stills & Nash, they found no need to explain or justify its inclusion...and they were absolutely right.


But just for fun, I did a little research at and have concluded that though the tune and the harmonies are overwhelmingly beautiful, the words spell out a sad, sad tale.

Stephen Stills wrote the song as he was trying to avoid an impending breakup between Judy Collins and himself. When the song was done, he bought some flowers and went to Collins' house to sing it to her.

Imagine how desperate he must have sounded when he sang words like "It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore. I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, 'I am lonely',"  and "Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other. Oh babe, have mercy," and the perfectly pathetic, "Will you come see me Thursdays and Saturdays? What have you got to lose?"

It makes what Judy Collins said absolutely understandable: "It's gorgeous, but it's not going to get me back."

If this were the Truth Is... blog, this story would be followed up with these wise words: Whiners aren't winners.

Friday, September 8, 2023

Sipping from the Stream of Consciousness


So I'm sitting here trying to think of some content to create in order to get a few weeks ahead in terms of posting in this space.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "So I'm sitting her trying to think..."

And I edited THAT sentence to add the bold italic formatting for the word "her".

Still don't know if that last period there should be inside or outside the closing quotation marks.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "don't know if that past period there..."

But I remembered to stop and start the bold italic formatting WHILE I was typing this time.


So...what to write...or type...

I wonder what my blood type is. Pretty sure Beloved remembers, though I can't imagine why she does. 

Speaking of Beloved, when I got home from my Saturday morning shift at FastStop last weekend, she had already mowed the front AND back yards.

What a gal!

White Christmas: ♪♫ Mandy! What a gal!  ♪♫

Now THAT'S who should have starred as Barbie, right there!

Friday, September 1, 2023

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. III


In The Wizard of Oz (1939), when the Tinman is singing "If I Only Had a Heart," there is one line sung by a female: "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" (Remember?) The actress who sang that line is the same one who voiced Snow White in Disney's Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs (1937).

For a few years in the early 2000s, 7-Up made a beverage called "dnL" that was like the opposite of 7-Up. Instead of being a clear, caffeine-free beverage sold in a green bottle, it was a green, caffeinated beverage sold in a clear bottle. It looked and tasted a lot like Surge. (I miss it.)

Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones but couldn't take the part because of his commitment to being Magnum PI.

The word for that icky feeling as if bugs are crawling on you is formication.

Mel Brooks has one line in his movie, Young Frankenstein. The sound of a screaming cat: "Mrow!"

Barry Manilow had a big hit with I Write the Songs. However, he did not write that song.

Painkillers don't work very well on people with red hair.

Freddie Highmore almost didn't get cast in The Good Doctor. The Powers That Be said they were looking for someone around 25. Highmore's truthful reply: "I AM 25!"

Friday, August 25, 2023

Nuthin' Butta G String


We have arrived at number 419 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time...Dr Dre's "Nothin But a G Thang"...and I am at a loss.

Not only have I never heard it, but when I looked up the lyric I was embarrassed to read it.

So I punted. I went to ChatGPT for help.

This is the instruction I gave: Using no words normally considered vulgar, write a humorous parody of "Nuthin but a G Thang" titled "Nuthin but a G String".

And this, you lucky reader, is what it delivered. (I seriously should just give up this whole humor blog gig and let the machines take over.)


(Verse 1)
Just me and my tiny string,
Loungin' by the pool, doin' my thing.
Rockin' that itty-bitty bikini,
Ain't no fabric here, just pure genie.

Chillin' like a popsicle, so bold,
Got sunscreen on, I'm in control.
My tan lines, they're gonna be weird,
But who cares? I'm the beachfront pioneer.

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,
Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.
Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,
With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

(Verse 2)
Got my shades on, I'm feelin' fly,
Passin' by, heads turn as I stroll by.
Sand in places where it shouldn't be,
But fashion's pain, can't you see?

Wave crashes, water's cool,
Rockin' this G string, I break the pool's rules.
My dance moves might be quite risqué,
But I'm ownin' it, in my own way.

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,
Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.
Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,
With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

Gonna pose for selfies, make 'em stare,
G string life, without a care.
Takin' on the world, one step at a time,
In my itsy-bitsy fashion, I'm in my prime.

(Verse 3)
Sun's settin' low, day's almost done,
Gotta admit, this was quite fun.
No judgment here, just good vibes,
In my G string, my spirit thrives.

A parody of life, a comedy scene,
In this small string, I'm feelin' queen.
So let's embrace the absurdity,
In my G string world, I'm livin' free.

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,
Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.
Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,
With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

Nuthin' but a G string, that's the tale,
Laugh with me, let's set sail.
In this world of fashion so zany,
I'll be rockin' my G string, forever crazy.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *
The matrix just may be real, man.

Friday, August 18, 2023

Almost the News XXVII


Flooey Lewis & the NotNews

Student Debt Ruling Likely Within Days
It probably won't be long before student debt is in charge of everything.

India Offers Its Tech for the Masses
This is a surprising development in a country where only 2.3% of the population is Christian.

Spurs Open Arms Wide for Wemby
[Editor's Note: This kind of graphic, cowboy-themed self-mutilation shouldn't even be IN the newspaper.]

Anoka Co. City Seeks Mayoral Candidates
Spokesperson for the League of Women Voters, Sheila Votah, exclaimed, "We were just getting ready for the debate, looked around, and they were gone!"

Dodgers Rout Rangers With Five Homers
A recent race between Ram lovers and Ford aficionados came out in favor of the Dodge owners: Homer Bailey, Homer Laughlin, Homer Highwater, Homer Randolph, and Homer Simpson.

Bus Snarls to Keep Louisville Schools Closed
In a press release, school superintendent Siddown N. B. Kwyatt says, "I had no idea a bus could even make that kind of sound."

Rural Community Needs a Savior for Their Church
Um...isn't that what Jesus is for?