Friday, April 16, 2021

Hoosier Mama

 

If you've been attentive at the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page this week, you are aware that the mother formerly known as SweaterGal passed from this life to the next in the early morning hours of Sunday, April 11th.

But fear not, friends, yours truly is not overwhelmed by a flood of grief and regret. SweaterGal was just eleven days shy of the 92nd anniversary of her birthday, and she had been longingly waiting for her day of passing since FlatulenceKing died 6.75 years ago.

Pray, think me not calloused and unfeeling upon my mother's departure from this earthly realm. I have shed tears abundant, lo, these few days since. It's just that writing about all that doesn't do much in the way of reaching the stated goal of this blog, "to heal the world, one grin at a time."

Perhaps it would be helpful for you if I listed some of the decidedly distinctive durr-inducing discoveries I've become reacquainted with during our visit to my home state of Indiana, the home of the Indianapolis 500 and breaded tenderloin sandwiches that make a Big Mac look like a cucumber teacake.

Actual image of my actual lunch at Nick's Kitchen in Huntington, IN

  • A remarkably large percentage of the population believe the term "face mask" actually means, "chin strap," apparently.
  • The middle of a parking space is a perfectly good place for a grocery cart line-up
  • The ratio of gun and ammunition shops to population puts even Texas to shame.
  • Six inches shy of a trash can is close enough, I guess
  • The act of cleansing one's face, dishes, or motor VEE-hickle is pronounced "warsh".

And I don't even want to think about the "Hey, ain't it great we can all hang out together" camaraderie that leads to THIS design for a public restroom:



And now you know why I am the way I am.

Have fun, Mom. See you soon!

 

Friday, April 9, 2021

Soul Man: The 458th Greatest Song of All Time

 

The year was 1967. John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd didn't know it yet, but their alter egos, The Blues Brothers, were going to need an R & B hit to launch their singing career.

Rising to the challenge were Samuel Moore and David Prater, known more familiarly as PraterMoore, though a very small band of intellectual know-nothings insisted on calling them Sam & Dave.

"Soul Man" was written by Isaac "But I'm Talkin' 'Bout Shaft" Hayes and David "Don't Call Me Natalie" Porter and contains a few jewels of wisdom that have been unequaled to this day:

Comin' to you on a dusty road
Good lovin', I got a truckload

NOT really sure what a truckload
of good lovin' is referring to, but it
sure sounds like it's being
smuggled in from somewhere.

And when you get it, you got something

This phrase ranks right up there with
"It is what it is," said Captain Obvious.

learned how to love before I could eat

Because the rest of this song leads me to
believe that when he says "love" he's really
referring to between-the-sheets activity,
I have my doubts as to the veracity of this timeline.

When I start lovin', oh, I can't stop

*Ahem* Yeah, well, uh...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

On a safer note of interesting trivia, the words "Play it, Steve" refer to the guitarist, Steve Cropper, of Booker T and the M.G.s, who played lead guitar for Sam & Dave AND The Blues Brothers!




Friday, April 2, 2021

Untrustworthy U Words


An undersized unit from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.


Ubiquitous (interjection)  -  Spoken in frustration when a borrowed pen stops working

Udon (n)  -  Japanese sumo fodder

UFO (acronym)  -  Unidentified Frying Object; popularized by inexperienced short-order cooks

Uglification (n)  -  The effect of sobriety upon how that person you went home with from the bar looks to you

UGLY (acronym)  -  Ukrainian Girl Lifting Yaks



Ukelele
 (n)  -  Hawaiian tool of auditory torture

Ulcer (clause)  -  What will happen when you look past Q

Ulterrier (n)  -  A covert, cryptic, or hidden breed of dog

Ultimate® (n)  -  Brand name of the most popular android spouse

Ultimatum (n)  -  The abdomen of the most popular android spouse


Friday, March 26, 2021

Musical Gas Pumps 2

 

Faithful readers may recall a post from two years ago spilling the beans about how I sing to people at the fuel pumps at the gas station/convenience store/cigarette emporium I sometimes work at, FastStop. (For a reminder, click here.)

Well, I've added to the jukebox selections since then.


("Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas)

Carry on out at pump one
Come in to pay when you are done
I got one more thing to say:
Don'tcha drive away

("Hey Hey Good Lookin" - Hank Williams)

Hey heyyyyyyy, pump seven
Befooooore you go to heaven
How's about comin' inside to pay
When you're duuuuuun?
"Git-r-dun!"

("Camp Granada" - Allan Sherman)

Hello pump 4
You're getting fuel
Come inside to pay
That'd be so cool
Thanks for choosing
To stop at KwikTrip*
Hope you're smiling and my singing doesn't make you sick

*Had to use the store's real name here to preserve the rhyme

("Folsom Prison Blues" - Johnny Cash)

You're there at pump eleven
Puttin' fuel inside your car
Thanks for choosing FastStop
That proves how smart you arrrrrre
Please come inside to pay
Before you travel too far
Yeah, you're buying gas at FastStop
And you should be a star

("Heartache Tonight" - Eagles)

I see you out there at pump ten
Gettin' gas today
Here's a piece of advice for you:
Come inside to pay
Or there will be a heartache tonight
A heartache tonight, I know

("You Are the Woman" - Firefall)

You are the person getting fuel at pump six
At FastStop today
And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay
(Extended album cut:)
To drive away and steal all that gas
Well, that's just not your style
Especially after I been singing to you
Tryin' to make you smile
Oh!
You are the person getting fuel at pump six
At FastStop today
And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay


P.S. To watch/hear me reading/singing this edition of Almost the Truth, CLICK HERE.


Friday, March 19, 2021

Beware of Falling Rocks: The 459th Greatest Song of All Time

 

It's going to be hard to write about this.

Here we are. We've come to number 459 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time. It's a song that is the name-source for one of the greatest rock-and-roll bands of all time AND the magazine the list appears in.


"Rollin' Stone" is a reworked version of an earlier song, "Catfish Blues," recorded in 1948 by none other than Muddy Waters.

How am I suppose to crack wise about a song with such a pedigree?

Maybe I can fumble around with the artist's name: Muddy Waters. Not to be confused with the former head of the Ohio Department of Transportation, Dusty Rhodes, or the long-time weather guy on Fort Wayne, Indiana's ABC affiliate, Jay Walker.

#TrueStory

Maybe I should chastise the lyricist for the second verse:

I went to my baby's house
and I sit down oh, on her steps.
She said, "Now, come on in now, Muddy.
You know, my husband just now left."

I suppose the minute I call Muddy's morals into question, someone will tell me he's singing about visiting his daughter's house, but waiting for the son-in-law to leave.

#YeahRight


Friday, March 12, 2021

Thesaurus-proof T Words


A tiny treat from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Tab (n)  -  Brand name for a diet soda that is one of the worst assaults upon the human sense of taste since Coca-Cola® stopped using coke in their cola.

Table (n)  -  A piece of furniture designed for the accumulation of random piles of detritus

Tablecloth (n)  -  A piece of material designed to: 1) protect a table from being nicked or stained, or 2) hide a table's nicks and stains

Tablelands (clause)  -  What a table eventually does if it is thrown out a window

Tablespoon (n)  -  Utensil used when a table wants to have soup or oatmeal

Tablet (n)  -  Winnie the Pooh's small, pink friend when on a diet

Tabling (v)  -  In committee meetings, when participants choose to stop talking about a matter and just wear flamboyant jewelry instead.

TABOO (acronym)  -  Teasing And Bullying Obese Orcas

Tabulate (clause)  -  "We expected you earlier, Tab!"

Tyrant (n)  - The extravagant or violent declamation of a tyrannosaur




Friday, March 5, 2021

Observed Absurdities™ 46 - Hooray for Truth in Advertising

 

Working at a FastStop gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium keeps me on the cutting edge of new products for consumer consumption (PCC). Recently added to our shelves is a brand of healthy-ish snack bars called "RX Bars".

In trying to emphasize how down-to-earth and trustworthy they are, they have chosen NOT to give their bars catchy or cute names like "PowerSource" or "HealthStick". Instead, they simply list the ingredients on the front of the wrapper. 


I certainly hope that last item is accurate.