Friday, October 23, 2020

The Existence of God Is No Cheap Trick: Song Number 465

Cheap Trick's recording of "Surrender" is listed as the 465th greatest song of all time by Rolling Stone, and I've only got three things to say about that:

     1.  I had never heard the song before, so I had to YouTube it to even begin to think about perhaps contemplating the creating of an idea about making a blog-post about it.

     2.  It's kind of a catchy little number that doesn't make me wretch, even though the singer talks about finding his mom and dad on the couch listening to his KISS records, getting high, and making out.

     3.  I'm overjoyed it wasn't "I Want You to Want Me."

Bonus source of joy: While doing research connected to statement number three, I found that "I Want You to Want Me" didn't make the list at all.

And some people say there is no God. Hmph!

Friday, October 16, 2020

Not Real N Words

A narrow nibble from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Nabbed (clause)  -  "Quick! Grab that piece of sleep furniture!"

Nabbing (clause)  -  "Quick! Grab that dog-faced crooner!"

Nacho (interjection)  -  The sound of a Spanish sneeze

NAG (acronym)  -  Nasty Around-the-clock Griping

Nail (n)  -  Every issue in the life of a person who only has a hammer

Naive (n)  -  An intravenous bottle full of sodium

Name (adj)  -  Crippned or physicanny disabned, especianny in the foot or neg so as to nimp or wank with awkwardness

NAP (acronym)  -  Nice Afternoon Project

Naps (n)  -  A backwards bridge

Narcissist (n)  -  A cissist with a single horn protruding from its head

Friday, October 9, 2020

It Pays to Make Your Teacher Chuckle

There was a time in my life when I almost lost all interest in all things musical.

It's hard to believe now, seeing as how 87% of my personal memory bank consists of the melody and lyric of 70's singer-songwriters, 60's folk-rock groups, and the entire catalog of TV's greatest theme songs.

"What is it that almost turned you off of music?" you may ask.

Well...go ahead...ask.

"What is it that almost turned you off of music?!!?"

The answer is a single college class: Music Appreciation.

Oh yes, dear reader, I understand the definition of irony.

What I didn't understand at the time, though, was why I needed to memorize dates and terminology in order to demonstrate my appreciation of music.

I did experience one brief, shining moment of glory in the class, though.

Part of the final exam was a list of musical terms that we were expected to define. No multiple guesswork, either, babycakes; we were expected to put pen to paper and write down the definitions however our brains spewed them forth.

I did okay for a while.

pianissimo - softly
forte - hardly

But then, in an apparent attempt to keep things interesting, the prof included the word manicotti on the list.

Now...this was the mid-70s. I was a rural Midwestern college freshman. My knowledge of musical terms was abysmal and my familiarity with Italian food ended with spaghetti, pizza, and sausage...and come to think of it, I probably was only conversant in Polish sausage.

What I'm saying is that I had absolutely no idea what the word manicotti meant.

And so, I turned on my parallel thinking and punted. I picked up my pen and wrote "manicotti  -  What male members of the Italian army sleep on."

You may think that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard, but the professor gave me half a credit point for it!


Friday, October 2, 2020

My Little Stowaway

Alright, flock, it is time for us to consider the 466th greatest song of all time. It was recorded by Del Shannon and featured a Musitron solo that has distinguished it from the mountainous pile of early-sixties rock-n-roll for 59 years.

As I walk along, I wonder
A-what went wrong with our love
A love that was so strong

And as I still walk on, I think of
The things we've done together
While our hearts were young

I'm a-walkin' in the rain
Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain
Wishin' you were here by me
To end this misery

I wonder
I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder...

Sound familiar? (If not, you need to CLICK HERE and listen to "Runaway," the 1961 hit that spent a month at the top of the charts. You also need to confront your parents for their sub-standard expansion of your cultural horizons.)

The amazing and absolutely made-up thing about this song, though, is that it was a parody of an earlier song written and performed by a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic.

As I sail along, I wonder
A-what went wrong with his ticket
A ticket he won on shore

And now as this ship sinks, I think of
How it would stink to die here
Alone upon this door

I'm a-floating in the night
Fingers freezin' and I'm filled with fright
Wishin' you felt totally free
To place your hands on me

I wonder
I wah-wah-wah-wah wonder
Why, why, why, why, why
He sank away

And I wonder
If he was gay
My little stowaway
My stow-stow-stow-stow stowaway

Friday, September 25, 2020

Misleading M Words

A miniature morsel from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Macaroni (n)  -  Edible art medium

Macaw (n)  -  The call of a mother crow

Macchiato (n)  -  A hot beverage consisting of espresso, a small amount of foamed milk, and a large portion of pretension

MACE (acronym)  -  Make Anyone Cry Elixer

Machete (v)  -  To copy another's answers in the manner of your mother

Machine (n)  -  The fifth in a series of chins sported by a female parental unit

Machineguns (n)  -  The biceps of a robot or android

Mackinaw (clause)  -  Why Mack's chin is on the floor

MAD (acronym)  -  Moms Against Dads

Miasma (n)  -  A personal breathing difficulty

Friday, September 18, 2020

Pre-fixing a Non-existent Pro-blem

I seriously think most HR departments have so little to do, they spend most of their time creating issues so they can spend the rest of their time trying to solve them.

Consider this TrueTruth example from my very own personal RealLife experience...

One otherwise-normal day, I walked into the public restroom at my place of employment and saw a sign on the wall next to the touch-free paper towel dispensers.

Did I say "sign"? Please forgive me. It was an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper upon which someone with computer access had printed:


My cubicle-mates and I pondered over that a bit. Well, to be a bit more accurate, we discussed, "What the farnsworth is THAT all about?"

Because of previous experience, the long-term employee in our group suggested that someone close to the top of the corporate ladder must have determined we were taking too much time resting in the restroom. Of course, that didn't help the note make any more sense to any of us.

Did the top-o-the-foodchain think it would save us time to have the person in front of us wave their hand in front of the dispenser instead of us doing it ourselves? That ranks right up there with  -  and I'm pretty sure I've said this before  -  trying to make a blanket longer by cutting off one end so you can sew it onto the other end.

And then we started applying the same logic to other workplace time-wasters:

  • Please pour a cup of coffee for the next person
  • Please take the next person's personal phone call for them
  • Please leave the breakroom refrigerator door open for the next person
  • Please eat the next person's lunch

Ooh! That last one? I believe that's what John Lennon called InstantKarma.

Friday, September 11, 2020

Catching Flies with Vinegar: The 467th Greatest Song of All Time

I underSTAND that Guns N' Roses was the biggest rock band in the world for about five years in the late Eighties and early Nineties.

I GET it that both boys and girls would scream in delight at the mention of them coming to town on tour.

I can apPREciate that "Welcome to the Jungle" was their first huge hit.

What I DON'T comprehend is how they thought they could entice females to become part of their entourage with words like "If you got the money, honey, we got your disease," and "I wanna watch you bleed."

Ranks right up there with "You don't want to go to the prom with me, do you?"