Friday, March 5, 2021

Observed Absurdities™ 46 - Hooray for Truth in Advertising


Working at a FastStop gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium keeps me on the cutting edge of new products for consumer consumption (PCC). Recently added to our shelves is a brand of healthy-ish snack bars called "RX Bars".

In trying to emphasize how down-to-earth and trustworthy they are, they have chosen NOT to give their bars catchy or cute names like "PowerSource" or "HealthStick". Instead, they simply list the ingredients on the front of the wrapper. 

I certainly hope that last item is accurate.

Friday, February 26, 2021

"One Fine Day" Sounds Threatening to Me


Beloved and I have been watching Criminal Minds quite a bit, and I think it's ruined me.

I ought to be able to enjoy the 460th greatest song of all time, "One Fine Day" (written by Carole King, but as recorded by The Chiffons), with a nostalgic sense of young, hopeful love. The lyric is innocent enough:

One fine day, you'll look at me
And you will know our love was meant to be
One fine day, you're gonna want me for your girl

The arms I long for will open wide
And you'll be proud to have me
Walkin' right by your side
One fine day
You're gonna want me for your girl

Though I know you're the kind of boy
Who only wants to run around
I'll keep waiting, and, someday darling
You'll come to me when you want to settle down

One fine day, we'll meet once more
And then you'll want the love you threw away before
One fine day, you're gonna want me for your girl

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

But my problem is, I read those words and imagine them being addressed to a young man who is tied to a chair in an otherwise-abandoned cabin in a remote corner of some long-forgotten wilderness.

Friday, February 19, 2021

Spurious S Words

A silly smidgen of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Sabbatical (v)  -  To wiggle one's fingers under the wings of a flying rodent from South America
Saber (v)  -  What one does when one is very cold
SABLE (acronym)  -  Soft Apparrel But Largely Expensive
Saccular (n)  -  A non-religious bag
Sachet (v)  -  To strut while smelling pleasant
SACK (acronym)  -  Sadistic Attempt to Carry Kittens
Sackbut (n)  -  1. a medieval form of the trombone. 2. Bible. an ancient stringed musical instrument. Daniel 3. (NOTE: These are actual definitions, it's just that this word is so darn funny.)
Sacker (n)  -  A lazy, unproductive person at Christmastime (no L)
Sacrament (n)  -  Concrete used to build churches
Schadenfreude (v)  -  Talking negatively about the father of modern psychoanalysis 

Friday, February 12, 2021

2020: The Year Nobody Could Have Made Up


The actual true truth of the matter is that the majority of Almost the Truth posts in 2020 were written in the first few months of the year...before any of us knew what a bizarre dumpster fire of a year it was going to be:

  • Before any of us knew we'd be picking out curtains to match our favorite mask pattern
  • Before Australia became one big party because it was REALLY lit (too soon?)
  • Before otherwise-sane people decided to store toilet paper in safety deposit boxes
  • Before the Leader of the Free World was impeached (Volume One)
  • Before we had an inkling that a trip downtown should include ingredients for s'mores

  • Before the term "murder hornets" went from sounding like something from an apocalyptic comic book to being the lesser of way more than two evils
  • Before fine, upright people started getting their medical advice from a former "reality show" star rather than an know...medical professional
  • Before the West Coast spontaneously combusted
  • Before Alex Trebeck stopped asking for questions
  • Before the lack of evidence wasn't a good enough reason to stop claiming massive voter fraud

See how quickly that went from poking fun to just a gape-mouthed recitation of "can you believe this really happened" moments?

Turns out it was a really good thing I had a stockpile of grin-worthy words. If I had depended on current events to feed the humor mill...yikes.


Friday, February 5, 2021

Giving Prince the Kiss-Off: 461st Greatest Song of All Time


Prince's "Kiss" is another one of those songs on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time that I had never heard before.

Don't hate me because I've got discriminating taste.

Okay, okay...I take it back. I went to YouTube and watched the official video and looked up the official lyrics and became officially familiar with it enough to say that it's easy enough to dance to, in spite of Prince's thin falsetto performance and equally-thin gee-I-wanna-be-Little-Richard mustache.

I will admit to appreciating a particular line from the otherwise blah-blah-blah lyric. I'm not sure why it never became a bumper sticker or t-shirt phenomenon:

"You don't have to watch Dynasty to have an attitude."

Now that's just wisdom for the ages, right there.

Friday, January 29, 2021

Ridiculous R Words


A representation from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Rabbat (n)  -  Any of several soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammals that play baseball

Rabbet (n)  -  Any of several soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammals with a gambling addiction

RABBI (acronym)  -  Righteous Anger Beats Bitter Innuendo

Rabbinical (adj)  -  Jewish advice that's worth five cents

Rabbit (n)  -  Any of several soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammals with teeth marks

Rabbitty (n)  -  A very small soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammal

Rabble (trademark)  -  A popular crossword board game with all the S tiles removed

Rabboni (n)  -  A very skinny soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammal

Rabbot (n)  -  Any of several soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammals built with gears and circuitry

Rabbutt (n)  -  The tail end of any of several soft-furred, long-eared, rodentlike burrowing mammals

Friday, January 22, 2021

My Former Life of Crime

When I was young, and my heart was an open book, our family's weekly trip to the grocery store was a semi-event. I mean, it involved making a list, checking it twice, loading ourselves into the car, and actually going into town for crying out loud!

We were all expected to be on our best behavior. And don't even THINK about any of us whining about wanting candy or never happened.

Imagine my chagrin when the family was strolling down the aisles of Ivey's Cornucopia of Commerce in Fort Wayne, Indiana and I saw what I thought to be a grocery cart filled with several marked-down items as a display. I casually picked up a couple things to look at when the owner of the cart, which was definitely NOT a marketing device, walked up, cleared his throat, and maneuvered himself and his cart to the next produce display.

My oldest sister, DeeDee, saw the whole thing and immediately recognized it as the opportunity to turn the screw that it was.

DeeDee quickly stepped up beside me and whispered, "Ooooh, Dewey! You better hope we get done and get out of here before that guy calls security. I can't believe you were messing with his cart!"

For the rest of our time in the store, DeeDee would "protect" me by peeking around the corner before we went to the next aisle and having me walk closely behind her.

"Keep your head down! Don't let anybody see your face!"

A few days later, we were playing outside at our farmhouse home and had the rare experience of hearing a police siren wafting toward us from probably a couple miles away. Once again, DeeDee jumped on the opportunity:

"Oh no, Dewey! They're coming for you!"

I dropped whatever I was playing with, ran into the house, up the stairs, and hid under my bed.


Having siblings who care about your wellbeing is such a blessing.