Green-Eyed Writer Man: The 374th Greatest Song of All Time

 

"Brown-Eyed Handsome Man" was written and performed by Chuck Berry, and never made the charts. But it was apparently well-known enough to inspire cover versions by both Buddy Holly and Waylon Jennings.

According to Rolling Stone, "Berry was inspired to write this song while he was touring through heavily black and Latino areas of California. As Berry put it, 'I didn't see too many blue eyes.' He did see a good-looking Chicano nabbed for loitering until 'some woman came up shouting for the policeman to let him go'."

Arrested on charges of unemployment

He was sitting in the witness stand

The judge's wife called up the district attorney

She said, "Free that brown-eyed man.

If you want your job, you better free that brown-eyed man."

I wonder how the song would have gone had he seen me in my natural habitat...

Resting on his haunches while "working from home"
He was sitting in front of a fan
Then his wife called down from the kitchen upstairs
"Are you busy, green-eyed writer man?
I need a favor from my green-eyed writer man."

Flying upstairs like a bat outta heck
Hoping romance was part of the plan
She just couldn't reach something on a top shelf
Like that green-eyed writer man
He's so much taller, yeah, that green-eyed writer man.

Drinking Dr Pepper, eating CornNuts,
Enjoying as much as he can
There's never ever been any ifs, ands, or buts
From that green-eyed writer man,
It's a lot of quirks with that green-eyed writer man.

Beautiful music from the 70s and back
Lyrics like the back of his hand.
Not much else swirling 'round in the mind
Of that green-eyed writer man
He's full of earworms, he's a green-eyed writer man.

Of course, you know there's a serious side
He loves Jesus and the Gospel plan
And the joy in his heart can't help but spill out
Of this green-eyed writer man
Humor is healthcare for this green-eyed writer man.

The Convenience Store Blues

 

Sitting at my keyboard, typing
Tired of hearing others griping
Wanting to knock them off a shelf
Deciding I'll just gripe myself:

The sign says "Exit," clear as day
"You Must Enter Other Way"
And yet, they enter like it's a race
Makes me want to smash their face

"Those sandwiches should be on sale.
You charged full price. I'm gonna wail!"
The sale's not for the ones you chose.
The sign says these, but you bought those.

"I didn't use this wash code, bold
In 30 days like I was told
Hyuck-hyuck; silly old me
Can I have one more for free?"

Do you have our rewards card?
"No way! I protect my privacy hard!
I don't want your bosses to sell me
But if there's a coupon, would you please tell me?"

"How are you doing?" they ask me all day
Not ever pausing to hear what I say
Not that I care if they care how I am
Let's just not play out this little scam

And phones! Good night! Put your phone down!
You're talking to everyone standing around
How will I know if you want a receipt
If you don't hear me ask and I have to repeat?

And then, there are those who just stand and stare
Forgetting that payment's expected and fair
Who flinch to awareness and  see where they are
Then say, "I have to go out to my car."

But still, I show up for each of my shifts
Through rain that pours and snow that drifts
Sun that blazes and clouds that billow
Then calmly go home and pummel my pillow.

The Superiority of Technology Strikes Again

 

WHEREAS...
In terms of the age of the universe, it wasn't very long ago when I was desperately applying for any and all technical writer positions within driving distance of my domicile.

THEREFOR...
I still get contacted from time to time by recruiters hoping to receive a placement fee by getting me hired for some 6-month contract or other.

THE ISSUE IS...
     1.  I am no longer searching for a short-term contract job to keep my head above water.
     2.  I do not answer calls from anyone not in my phone's contact list.
     3.  Most of the recruiters who leave messages are apparently calling from a particular sub-continent known for having call centers and considering cows sacred.
     4.  The transcription robot for my voicemail doesn't do well with heavy accents.

FOR INSTANCE...
The following is an exact reproduction of a transcript of a recent voice message:

Hi June this site Fasel I'm calling you from CCS global tech. This call is regarding the position of technical right foot in Saint Paul Minnesota so if you're available in the job market, you can always call me back on my number that 610-******* all you can I have shared you the job description from my email that thought about that sea global tech. You can always go ahead and vote me on the seat. Thank you.

Technical right foot...Is that a motorized prosthesis?

Also...my dad voted me on the seat more than once. It was never a pleasant experience.

Observed Absurdities™ 67 - Whine List

 

My current employment situation allows me the wonderful opportunity to work from home almost completely. The only time we have to come into the office is when someone higher on the food chain is visiting from England...the land wherein resides the company that bought our company.

On those few occasions when we are enjoying each other's company on company premises, we often have lunch together as a team at a local eatery.

At a recent lunch gathering, the restaurant of choice featured Thai food and a snooty wine list.

It was the wine list that hit me squarely on the funny bone...to the point that I could barely control myself to be able to order.

This is an actual picture of the actual wine menu:

• "Flavors of ripe cherry smoked meats"  -  A meat-flavored drink? Ewww.
• "With a velvety finish"  -  (Velvet: a fabric of silk, nylon, acetate, rayon, etc., with a thick, soft pile formed of loops of the warp thread.) So you're telling me that drinking the Guenoc Pinot Noir will coat my tongue?
• "With a juicy mouthfeel"  -  Forget about completely making up the word mouthfeel, is there any way for a drink to not feel juicy?
• "Soft and round"  -  Most liquids are soft, I get that, but round? Round??!?
• "Full of chewy tannins"  -  (Tannin: any of a group of astringent vegetable principles or compounds.) Can't say I'm looking forward to chewing my beverage, but at least now I understand why they had to call out the juicy mouthfeel.

My Semi-Embarrassing Afternoon with William Windom

 

It was 1979...maybe 1980. I managed the box office at the historic Embassy Theatre in downtown Fort Wayne, Indiana. Coming up on a particular evening was a one-man show featuring the works of James Thurber. The one man starring in said show was none other than William Windom...a name meaningless to most people under the age of 40...an awful lot of people over 40 can't quite place it either.

But make no mistake, William Windom was a real-life Hollywood quasi-big shot. In the Fifties and early Sixties, he appeared both on Broadway and in many television shows like Hallmark Hall of Fame and Twilight Zone. He is most well-known for his co-starring role with Inger Stevens in The Farmer's Daughter (Those who remember it at all remember the chair/escalator that ran along the stairs to the second floor of the house.) and his starring role as a cartoonist with a wild imagination in My World and Welcome to It.

If you're a fan of 1962's To Kill a Mockingbird, you have seen him go up against Gregory Peck's Atticus Finch in the courtroom.

In later years, he also had a recurring role in Murder She Wrote as Dr. Seth Hazlitt.

It was Windom's work in My World and Welcome to It that led to his one-man show and his arrival in the Summit City: Fort Wayne, Indiana.

Ticket sales were less than impressive, so in an attempt to get more tushes in the theatre's seats, we had arranged for a meet-and-greet with Mr. Windom at a high-end department store in Fort Wayne's largest mall. I was his only companion at the event...me and the supply of tickets I had on hand to sell to the fawning crowd.

There we were, sitting at a table not far from the fragrance counter, hoping people would wander by, recognize his face, and go, "Well, now that I've met the guy, I simply must buy some tickets to his show!"

About halfway through the afternoon, a high school classmate (named Andy Williams...#NoJoke) walked up to the table because he was excited to see ME. I kind of had to interrupt Andy in order to introduce him to Mr. William Windom. Andy heard my intro, looked at the Emmy-winning star and said to him, "Hey! Did you know that Dewey is a really good actor, too?"

I was grateful for the positive evaluation and all but seriously, I felt like hiding under the table.

It was like I had turned to Buddy Rich or Ringo Starr and proudly announced that I played the bass drum in my freshman marching band.

Observed Absurdities™ 64 - Dairy Confusion at FastStop

 

In the 1950s, the laundry detergent brand Cheer advertised the enviable fact that it included a "blue-magic whitener". This led Allan "Camp Granada" Sherman to musically ask, "What does that blue magic whitener do? Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?"

I was reminded of that moment in advertising and pop music history when I saw the following sign on the freezer door at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/tobacco emporium:

Is this butter-flavored ice cream or ice-cream-flavored butter?

And the second item in the What's Wrong With This Picture category is the apparent pair of options I get to choose from concerning the price of this dairy delight.

Dear FastStop:

Perhaps you should consider hiring me as a proofreader instead of a cashier.

Dewey "IB4E" Roth

Observed Absurdities™ 61 - Driving While Selfish

 

While exchanging empty trash bags for full ones as part of my part-time work at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium called FastStop, I witnessed a prime example of man's inhumanity to man...perpetrated in the name of MeFirst/Gimme-Gimme/I-Me-Me-Mine.

The attached photo is roughly equivalent to the POV of the driver I will refer to as KingBufordTheFirst.

When KingBufordTheFirst was done putting gas in his car, he apparently saw the driver in the gold car (PopeInnocentTheSeventh) put his car in reverse, accompanied by the appropriate lighting of the aptly-named backup lights. I say it was apparent KingBufordTheFirst saw this because he promptly honked his car's horn to let PopeInnocentTheSeventh know that he was pulling out so His Eminence better just watch out.

The reason I label this an absurdity: PopeInnocentTheSeventh's backup lights were for the purpose of warning KingBufordTheFirst to watch out for the immediate backward movement of the gold car. Buford should have put his car in park and waited...instead of putting his foot on the gas and charging full speed ahead.

I find this particularly frustrating when I'm attempting to back out of a parking space and I'm flanked by other parked cars and can't see if anything is coming until I'm three-quarters of the way out into the lane. Cars driving down the row can obviously see my backup lights and my careful movement into the path of parking lot cruisers, but instead of braking and letting me safely get out of the parking spot, nine times out of ten, KingBuford or one of his kin will put the pedal to the metal to save the 10 seconds it would have taken for me to get out of their way.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And you're right: none of this is really funny at all.

Oh the Woes of a Part-Time Worker: The 421st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Billy Joel's "Piano Man" truly is a great song...even though Joel says, "I have no idea why that song became so popular. It's like a karaoke favorite. The melody is not very good and very repetitious, while the lyrics are like limericks. I was shocked and embarrassed when it became a hit."

Poor Billy...dragging himself in shock and embarrassment all the way to the bank.

Makes me wonder how shocked and embarrassed I might become if I recorded a FastStop rewrite...

It's seven a.m. on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man at the coffee bar
Choosing whether to swear or just grin

He says, "Son can you find me the creamers
I'm not really sure where they are
But my woman has said
That without them I'm dead
And she's waiting out there in the car."

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

Now John at the counter's a friend of mine
He always does the outside trash
But it's such a joke; he goes out there to smoke
And to pocket folks' leftover cash

He says, "Dewey, I think this is killing me."
(And he doesn't mean his cigarette)
"Each person I meet smells like infected feet
And I'm growing a credit card debt."

Now Paul's a retired machinist
Who always gets diet root beer
And he's making me weary, with his conspiracy theory
And telling me what I should fear

And gas pump 13 isn't working
According to mad Mr. Deed
"Yes they're turned on, but you're doing it wrong
How can you drive but not read?"

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

There's always a crowd on a Saturday
And we're always a co-worker short
The truck's comin' in, we're as busy as sin
And our manager's held up in court

And the register sounds like a carnival
And the freezer smells like it's broke down
And the people all day using hundreds to pay
For a two-fifty bill make me frown

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

How to Void a Check

 

At my current place of employment, one of my co-workers recently asked our small group of technical writers whether anyone was working on a user guide that included instructions on how to void a check.

After having explained to the barely-walking toddler (my co-worker) what was being referred to by the antiquated term, "check," I proceeded to quickly write up a write-up of how to check off the task of sending a check off to the land of Sorry-I-Ever-Wrote-You.

• Step One: Gain possession of the highly-formatted piece of paper designated as a check.
• Step Two: Gaze at the check in disdain and disappointment.
• Step Three: Acquire an ink-based writing implement.
• Step Four: Manually apply pressure from your hand through the writing implement to create a trail of ink across the face of the check, spelling the word, "VOID."
• Step Five: Expel the word "whatever" through barely-parted lips.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And now you know why they pay me the big bucks.

The Amazing Invisible Sign, or, What IS It With People?!?

 

You may or may not remember, but in the not-so-distant past, the world was in turmoil because of a beautiful little virus called Covid-19. School doors were locked, companies miraculously started trusting their employees to accomplish tasks at home, and introverts actually started feeling comfortable.

One weapon in the war against infecting each other was being more meticulous about the traffic patterns in retail outlets.

In the case of the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium I call home, FastStop, and in the case of the particular location that lays claim to my Monday nights and Saturday mornings, the formation of a line of people waiting to get their selections rung up and paid for was narrowed to a particular aisle of the store by erecting a prominent sign to block the wrong path and encourage people to take the correct path.

The presence of a single line instead of separate lines in front of each register proved to be such a good idea, the store decided to keep that arrangement even after Covidmania died down.

However...

The sign that was designed to create that single line was apparently purchased from a magician's warehouse, because it possesses the unexplainable ability to only be visible to employees of the store. A full 90% of customers...excuse me, guests...either stand beside the sign waiting for an open register or walk right past it so they can collide with folks trying to leave the store with a bag full of eggs, motor oil, and CornNuts.

How Sick WAS That Pig?

 

One of my duties at FastStop, the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium I spend 14 hours a week at, is to stock the shelves with food items.

And when I say "food items," I am referring to things that corporate headquarters actually expect human beings to place in their mouths and swallow, whether for sustenance or pleasure.

One of those food items I frequently place on our store's shelves is dead pig meat.

Well, the marketing department at Oscar Mayer has devised a more-pleasant moniker and has labeled it ham.

The thing that concerns me is the required adjective in front of that term. Apparently, the pig this meat came from had some kind of disease that the finest vets in the nation could not conquer.

And I'm expected to eat this stuff?

Observed Absurdities™ 59 - Egging Me On

 

I saw something while I was facing the store at my part-time job at FastStop that confused me.

First off, let me explain the term "facing the store". I know you might think it means standing outside in the parking lot and turning my attention to the building, but that just isn't correct.

Facing the store  -  v 1) In a retail establishment, turning items on the shelves so potential buyers can see them easily and so the store itself looks neat and orderly. 2) Looking busy for the manager without doing anything too strenuous...like cleaning.

Second off, let me admit that confusing me is not that hard of a task.

Anyway...there I was, straightening shelved items and looking for all the world like a contributing member of society, when I saw a food item that I had never noticed before.

"Omelet Rounds? What the farnsworth are Omelet Rounds?" I thought to myself.

Soon, the answer became apparent...which is not to say the answer gave birth or anything silly like that, it's just that when I looked more closely, it was easy to decipher what Omelet Rounds are. Simply put, they are pre-cooked English-muffin-sized circles of eggs, meat, and cheese.

What a convenient idea!

Then I started reading the label more closely.

Omelets with eggs  -  That's a little redundant, isn't it?
Egg whites  -  That's a little racist, isn't it?
Uncured bacon  -  And I didn't even know it was sick.
Sharp cheddar cheese  -  Need to be careful eating it so as not to cut myself.

But it was the brand name that really sent me back to the list of ingredients and start scratching my head in earnest: "Just Crack an Egg™"

If, as it says in the ingredient list, this product already includes eggs, why call it Just Crack an Egg™?

Am I right?!?

W8ing @ Work = Rhyme Time

 

Sitting at a desk
To work, not to rest
Might not be the best
Opportunity to jest
While wearing a vest at your employer's request or behest

Just the thought causes distress and duress
So I'll drive to a music fest beyond the hill's crest
My ticket is free. I'm the promoter's guest.
(Lest you fear my tuneful quest renders me broke, poor, financially bereft.)

Soothing sounds are all I have left to heal the deep cleft that is torturing my breast
As I test which chest to wrest for some zest
In an otherwise dull, drab, dismal, dreary, depressing, and decidedly down-tempo day.

"I've Got a Job for You"

 

Back when I was between jobs and surviving on unemployment and part-time hours at FastStop, I signed up to be part of a website where people would post available freelance jobs and people like me would offer their services. Need an officiant for your wedding? I was your man. Want somebody to proofread your Master's thesis? Hit me up.

However...

One of the posted jobs just didn't seem kosher:

"i have a research paper due by tomorrow night and i have to summarize 5 articles and just pick out stuff from the article that relates to my thesis its basically a lit review from 2-5 pages"

Would have been quicker to just say "Help! Can you do my homework for me?!?"

#TrueStory

Hey, How's Come...

...people walk up to my cash register at FastStop, place the items they have carefully selected from throughout the store on the counter, make sure I didn't miss scanning anything, and then act surprised when they need to get money or a debit card out?

...the person who answers the phone at customer service always has to ask somebody else how to solve your problem? Why don't they just get that other person to answer the phone?

...people complain to the cashier about the price of gas as if the poor slob behind the counter has anything to do with the cost of anything?

...young women consider themselves social media influencers by wearing skimpy bathing suits and shaking their buttocks at a camera? Is this considered a marketable talent?

...after I buy something online, 87% of the ads that show up on the web pages I visit are for that very thing? Why are the advertisers wasting their money showing me ads for something they KNOW I just bought? (And yes, I know they know. I mean, if they know I was thinking about talking to Beloved about possibly looking at pictures of a product next month, then they know when I actually purchase something.)

Musical Gas Pumps 4: Holiday Magic at FastStop

 

The tuneful authorization of pumping gas outside but paying inside doesn't stop just because children are sleeping with visions of sugarplums in their heads:

Jingle Bells

Hey, Pump 2, when you're through

Come inside to pay

Away in a Manger

Good morning, Pump 13, we ask you to pay

Inside of the store before driving away

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

Hey, Pump 10, you're getting fuel

You chose FastStop, and that's so cool

Come inside to pay

Before driving away

Driving in a winter wonderland

O Come All Ye Faithful

O come ye, Pump 15

When your tank is filled up

O come ye, o come ye

Inside the store to pay

My Favorite Things
Hey Pump 11, you're getting some fuel
Come in to pay when you're done, that'd be cool
Thank you for stopping at FastStop today
Really, that's all that I needed to say

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

I see you at Pump 16

Out there getting some gasoline

We know that you'd never be mean

So come in to pay

Let It Snow

Oh the weather at Pump 7 is frightful

But you chose FastStop, that's delightful

I've got one more thing to say

Don't forget to come inside to pay

To see/hear Dewey singing these tunes, go to YouTube: https://youtu.be/GvZWCiWnHWg

Musical Gas Pumps 3: John, Paul, George, and Diesel

 

You'll be glad to know that I am still singing songs to authorize in-store payment for out-store vehicle fueling at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium known within the confines of this blog as FastStop.

Further good news is that there is now a list of Beatles parodies that are bringing surprise, delight, and/or shock and dismay to unsuspecting motorists.

(I Saw Her Standing There)

Well, you are on pump 17

And you're getting gasoline

Yeah, your pickup truck looks way beyond compare

Please come inside to pay; whooooo

Before you drive away

(Let It Be)

When you find yourself out at pump 10

Getting fuel at FastStop today

Heed these words of wisdom, "Come in to pay"

(Lady Madonna)

Hey there, pump 7

Getting gas today

When you're through, here's what to do

Come inside to pay

(Eight Days a Week)

I see you at pump 6

Getting fuel today

When your tank is filled up

Please don't drive away

Oh, come inside to pay

Don't you dare drive away

I'm selling fuel at FastStop

Eight days a week

To hear these tunes in all their radiant splendor, go to YouTube by CLICKING HERE.

Recall This Product...Please

 

Every so often, when I'm working at my local gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium (FastStop), the computer behind the cash registers will sound an alarm, vibrate, and start to emit wisps of acrid smoke.

This is its passive-aggressive way of letting us know there is an important message that needs attention.

On February 10th of this year, that important message was about a product recall:

"Tropicana, Inc. is voluntarily withdrawing a specific lot of KeVita Cucumber Rosemary Sparkling Probiotic 15.2 oz because it is mislabeled."

I'm pretty sure the reason it was mislabeled is that it was misnamed, which happened because it was misflavored. Surely, they meant to ship out some Watermelon Kiwi Nectar of Delight or Raspberry Grape Taste Explosion, right?

"Cucumber Rosemary Sparkling Probiotic"?

They might as well have tried to foist Pickle Lilac Carbonated Calamine on the assembled masses.

Musical Gas Pumps 2

 

Faithful readers may recall a post from two years ago spilling the beans about how I sing to people at the fuel pumps at the gas station/convenience store/cigarette emporium I sometimes work at, FastStop. (For a reminder, click here.)

Well, I've added to the jukebox selections since then.

("Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas)

Carry on out at pump one

Come in to pay when you are done

I got one more thing to say:

Don'tcha drive away

("Hey Hey Good Lookin" - Hank Williams)

Hey heyyyyyyy, pump seven

Befooooore you go to heaven

How's about comin' inside to pay

When you're duuuuuun?

"Git-r-dun!"

("Camp Granada" - Allan Sherman)

Hello pump 4

You're getting fuel

Come inside to pay

That'd be so cool

Thanks for choosing

To stop at KwikTrip*

Hope you're smiling and my singing doesn't make you sick

*Had to use the store's real name here to preserve the rhyme

("Folsom Prison Blues" - Johnny Cash)

You're there at pump eleven

Puttin' fuel inside your car

Thanks for choosing FastStop

That proves how smart you arrrrrre

Please come inside to pay

Before you travel too far

Yeah, you're buying gas at FastStop

And you should be a star

("Heartache Tonight" - Eagles)

I see you out there at pump ten

Gettin' gas today

Here's a piece of advice for you:

Come inside to pay

Or there will be a heartache tonight

A heartache tonight, I know

("You Are the Woman" - Firefall)

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

(Extended album cut:)

To drive away and steal all that gas

Well, that's just not your style

Especially after I been singing to you

Tryin' to make you smile

Oh!

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

P.S. To watch/hear me reading/singing this edition of Almost the Truth, CLICK HERE.

Podcast Say What???

One good thing about a hefty commute: being able to listen to some really good podcasts along the way.

However...

Listening to podcasts while your GPS app is helping you avoid traffic tie-ups can make for some...interesting...audio mash-ups:

     "Good gracious, Marshall Dillon! What are we gonna do?"
     "Well, Chester, at the light, make a slight right to merge onto State Route 10."

     James and John were asking for the best seats in the Kingdom, and Jesus said, "In one mile, continue onto Cedar Avenue."