Almost The News XXXV

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

U.S.Unexpectedly Loses 92,000 Jobs
In a press release, a spokesperson for the Labor Department said, "I put them right here and only turned my head away for a second!"

Millions Across Western Cuba Wake Up Without Power
Secretary of the Interior, Manuel Jose Hernandez: "¡Estoy tan cansado! ¡No tengo energía!"

Big Ten's Loaded Heavyweight Division Tests Gophers' Hopke
Minnesota freshman, Koy Hopke: "It will take everything I've got, but I'm gonna annihilate those fat drunks."

Massive Boom Heard from Ohio to Kentucky
Wow. That far, eh?

Maduro Asks Judge to Toss Drug Case
"Just throw it into the van there."

Man Accused of Killing Florida Woman with Hammer Faces Deportation
And yet, M.C. Hammer is still at large.

US and Iran Exchange Fire in Strait of Hormuz, Endangering Ceasefire
Um . . . pretty sure that firing at each other does more than just endanger the ceasefire, doesn't it? (Unless the fire they exchanged was sharing a match to light their cigars)

Bus and Pickup Truck Turn into House in South Minneapolis
A nearby man, dressed in a black suit with a cape and a tophat, is quoted as saying, "Presto Chango!"

Bill to Make Grooming a Crime Heading to Minnesota Senate Floor
Apparently, the state has had QUITE enough of all this hair-cutting and nail-trimming going on.