Almost the News XXIX

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Cardinal Convicted of Embezzlement
"It took quite a while to get to federal crime status, considering how little cash at a time that bird could carry in its beak."

Three Injured in Paris Train Station Attack
WHY they attacked, we may never know, but their ability to attack, despite the injuries they received in a Paris train station, is noteworthy.

Natural Disasters Taking Toll on Insurers
Local State Farm agent Phil Coffers was refused entrance onto the Lincoln Bridge unless he paid $4 to Hurricane Lulu.

Deaths Reported After Butt Lift Surgery
Statistician Ittle Addup says, "Well, of course people die after having that surgery! No one performs a surgery after the patient dies."

Proposals on Youth Crime Have a Familiar Ring
""Sweetheart, I stole this from your mother. Will you marry me?"

Senator Pushing for Financial Transparency
In a recent press release, Senator John Marty said, "Just think how cool it would be if we could see through a ten-dollar bill!"

Local Athletes Can Call Themselves NCAA Champs
It doesn't make it so, but they can still call themselves champs.

Meaningful Conversation
Kind of sad this is newsworthy, eh?

Housing Officials Offer Homelessness Plan
"You want to become homeless and we can help."