Almost the News XXXVII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Rally Held in Minneapolis for Man Fatally Shot by Police in Madison
Rally spokesperson: "We were legally holding a rally for this man. The Madison PD had no right to fatally shoot us."

2 Teens Arrested After Attempted Carjacking in Minneapolis
"The fact that they couldn't successfully lift the car to change its tire is just a crime!"

Police Warn of Urban Exploring After Death
"There be ghosts wandrin' round these alleyways..."

St. Paul Could See Property Tax Hikes
A news release from forensic ancient literature expert, Along Tymago, states that the Apostle Paul predicted rising property tax rates as long ago as the first century AD.

Wolves to Retire Kevin Garnett's Jersey on Feb. 28
Starting March 1st, Garnett will be playing shirtless.

Testimony to Resume after Lindsay Clancy Jury Sent Home Early
"Okay, now that the bothersome jury is gone, let's get down to business..."

Attention: Airport Pick-ups/Drop-offs Could Be Cumbersome Next Few Days
This announcement from airport officials, of course, represents absolutely no change whatsoever from the normal state of affairs.

Bench Dedicated to Boy Killed in Minneapolis School Shooting Nearly 1 Year Ago
Why we're telling you about it now is a mystery.

Residents Weigh In on New Police Chief
...even though it would be much easier to use a bathroom scale

Desperate Search for Nepal Flood Survivors Enters Critical Phase
Search coordinator, Luke N. Finedem: "In this phase, everybody starts whining, complaining, and talking about how they would run things differently."