Everything I Need to Know, I Learned from Twitter

Had you been following me on Twitter (@deweyroth), you would have already chuckled at these gems (he said, oh so humbly).

• “UberFacts: Hitler was saved from drowning by a priest when he was 4-years-old.” Great...so now WWII is the Catholic church's fault?
• “Factsionary: Mephobia is the fear of becoming so awesome that the human race won't be able to handle it.” This keeps me from my potential.
• “UberFacts: The average person will spend a year of their life looking for misplaced items.” Mine was 1987.
• “UberFacts: The longest recorded distance for projectile vomiting is 27 feet.” Who's going around RECORDING such things?
• “Factsionary: Skippin brkfst makes it hardr 2burn calories. a piece of chocolate w/your brkfst makes it easier.” Chocolate donut=perfect!
• “NotCommonFacts: The average person spends 3 years of their lives on the toilet.” I've had days like that.
• “Factsionary: Eating toast 30 minutes before going to bed can help you sleep better.” Unless you eat it IN bed. 
• “UberFacts: McDonald's salads are actually more fattening than their burgers.” See? I'm eating healthy!
• “NotCommonFacts: French kissing exchanges more bacteria than licking the inside of a toilet bowl in a public restroom.” THAT'S attractive!
• “UberFacts: The average chocolate bar contains eight insect legs.” Protein! Power!
• “UberFacts: “Grammar Pedantry Syndrome” is a form of OCD in which sufferers need to correct every grammatical error.” Ma! I got a Syndrome!

• “UberFacts: J.K. Rowling considered killing Ron Weasley in the middle of the “Harry Potter” series.” Funny...so did I.
• “UberFacts: Marijuana was used to treat absent-mindedness in Ancient China.” It didn't cure it, but at least people weren't bothered by it
• “neverknownfacts: Being able 2 respond with sarcasm within seconds of a stupid question is a sign of a healthy brain.” I am WAY too healthy.
• “NotCommonFacts: People with weird personalities make the best friends.” And there you have it...I'm a great friend!
• “NotCommonFacts: The weirder you can be around someone the closer you are.” or the other way around.  
• “Factsionary: Nicolas Cage was originally chosen for the role of Shrek.” Him NOT doing it is proof God exists.
• “UberFacts: The amount of words tweeted on Twitter every day would fill a 10-million-page book.” ...that would drive a proofreader insane.