Mayberry Trek

 

Science Officer Barney Spock was studying the scan of the planet that USS Mayberry was orbiting. Captain Andy T. Kirk spun his captain's chair toward the half-alien.

"Watcha think, Barn?"

"Well, Anj, what you see below us is a rock: a large mass of lifeless granite surrounded by poisonous gas. There are no signs of any life whatsoever."

"Uh-huh." Kirk turned to Communications Officer Thelma Lou Uhura. "Anything?"

"I've tried every channel and I just can't get any response, Andy."

"Alright then, I reckon we can chalk this one up to the uninhabited list."

"Andy, Andy, Andy," Barney condescendingly intoned. "Don't you see? Any planet this quiet has got to be hiding something. I say we send a team down to reconnoiter!"

Security Officer Goober Pyle jumped into the conversation: "Hey, Andy, I think Barney's right! We need to really check this place out!"

Kirk: "So, you wanna lead a team to the surface, do ya?"

Goober swallowed hard and said, "Well, I kinda thought Howard might be a better choice for actually, you know, goin' on down there."

Just then, an explosion rocked the bridge, sending sparks flying.

Barney: "Uninhabited, huh?!? They just shot at us! Uninhabited my Aunt Matilda!"

Captain Kirk pressed the comm button on the arm of his chair. "Engineering. Report."

Gomer Scott's voice was high-pitched and excited. "Shazam! That almost knocked my socks off, Andy! I thought we'd done been hit by a photon torpeder but guess what?"

Silence.

"Go on. Guess."

Andy rolled his eyes and sighed, "What, Gomer."

"It twern't a torpeder at all! One of the dilithium crystals overheated and popped outta the reactor. Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!"

"Any damage?"

"Nothin' a little elbow grease caint fix."

Pressing a different button, Captain Kirk addressed the ship's doctor. "Bones! Any injuries from that explosion?"

Dr. Floyd Lawson took a little while to respond. "Ohhh, Andy, everything is fine down here. Not so much as a hangnail. You know, it reminds me of the time..."

"Not now, Bones."

Things had calmed down a bit, so the ship's clerk, Howard Sprague, approached the captain's chair.

"Uh...begging the captain's pardon, Andy, but I've been wondering why Education Officer Crump spends so much time on the bridge."

Captain Andy T. Kirk leaned back as much as his chair would allow and drawled, "Well, I know she doesn't exactly fit in with all the fightin' and decision-makin' we do up here...but it don't exactly hurt a fella's eyes to see her around, now does it?"