Almost the Nativity

 (For those who arrived late, this is a reprint from 2009...and 2011.)

I view the Bible as being 100% truthful and reliable...however...it doesn't always report 100% of what actually happened. At times, it uses figures of speech and poetic language and just plain leaves some things out. For example, what really happened between Luke 1:26-56 and Matthew 1:18?

Following the angel Gabriel's announcement to Mary that she would give birth to the Messiah, and Mary's hasty, three-month visit with her kinswoman, Elizabeth, she returned to Nazareth and her betrothed, Joseph.

"Joseph?" Mary inquired, as she entered the carpenter's shop.

"Is that the voice of my turtle dove?" laughed Joseph as he picked Mary up and swung her around in joy.

"Careful, you glorified lumberjack." Joseph was a little confused about needing to be careful, so Mary continued: "I've got some wonderful news, oh hubby-to-be! I am expecting a child."

"That's a wonderful, positive attitude, my basket of flower petals. I, too, expect that our God will be gracious and grant to us the blessing of being parents." (Joseph was not the sharpest chisel in the toolbox.)

"You don't understand, my muscular ox. I am, even now, at this very minute, expecting a child."

Joseph tilted his head to one side, squinted, and slowly said, "Yea, verily...me, too."

Mary slipped her hands up Joseph's arms and cupped his face. "Let me speak plainly, oh He Who Is Strong of Arm and Thick of Skull. I'm preggers."

The light dawned excruciatingly slowly in the carpenter's mind: "Heyyyyy...what were you doing for the last three months, anyway? I thought you were visiting your cousin Elizabeth. Is there something in the water up there?"

"Joseph," Mary calmly interjected, "I am not pregnant by the effort of any man. God has placed this child within me."

"Riiiiiiiight."

Christmas Threats

It's funny what a simple typo can lead to.

When I saw this sign...

...who would have guessed it would have resulted in these thoughts?

• You don't EVEN want to know what this candy cane is capable of.
• ♪♫ Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Wrapped around your throat!
• If I don't get some quiet around here, there's going to be more than CHESTNUTS roasting on an open fire!
• I'm going to put you away in a manger.
• Rudolph, if you don't get your nose outta my business, I'm gonna delight you.

If the Eagles Ever Made a Christmas Record...

 

...it would probably include songs like this:

BAKE IT CHEESY

Well I'm a-runnin' down the road, got a party to go to

Seven cheesecakes in my car

ITCHY WOMAN

Ooh, itchy woman, she's so scratchy everywhere

Ooh, itchy woman, she's got the woolen underwear

LYIN' DOWN

We can't help but be lyin' down

The meal's so big when you come around

PEACEFUL, EASY EGG NOG

And I got some peaceful, easy egg nog

And it feels so good goin' down

HOTEL AT THE NORTH POLE

Welcome to the hotel at the North Pole

Such a snowy place

With a tiny race

Yeah, there's plenty of elves at the hotel at the North Pole

At this time of year

You'll see Santa here

TAKE IT TO THE FAT MAN

You know I've always been a dreamer

(Hopin' for things to own)

And it's so hard to wait

(Can't seem to get a loan)

But the dreams I've seen lately

Need to be mapped out 'cause I'm so tapped out

I guess wishing is my fate

So drive me to the mall now

And put me in line

I'm gonna take it to the fat man one more time

Apparently, the Worst of the Best of the Beatles Catalog

"Rain" is the lowest-ranking Beatles song on the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" list published by Rolling Stone.

It also happens to be Ringo's favorite Beatles song. Go figure.

It includes one of the earliest uses of backward tape. Beatlephiles would want us to believe this was a creative epiphany that erupted from the musically-genius John Lennon or maybe George Martin. The #TrueTruth of the matter is that Lennon was stoned and accidentally put the tape on the machine wrong.

I'm not joking!

I'm also completely serious when I inform you that the MetroLyrics website must have thought they were being clever when they listed the lyrics of the backward section as:

Sdeah reiht edih dna nur yeht

Semoc niar eht fi

(Rain)

Niar

(Rain)

Senihs nus

I'm not joking!

It all kind of makes me want to tie a rope around a chicken before it can cross the road.

I'm joke knotting!

Phony P Words

Just a piddly pinch of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Pace (n)  -  Someone really, really good at urinating

Pachouli (interjection)  -  The sound a hippie makes when sneezing

Pachyderm (v)  -  Preparing for a trip by putting extra skin in a suitcase

Palaces (pl n)  -  What a father ties his shoes on with

Panache (n)  -  Abdominal pain as a result of eating a large number of pancakes

PHD (acronym)  -  Pretty Hard to Decipher; doctoral degree related to handwriting

Procrastination (adj)  -  Being in favor of having one's country include Crast

Promulgate (n)  -  Scandal resulting from the illegal trafficking of mules-for-hire 

Propitious (n)  -  One who earns a living by being pitious

Pun (n)  -  In American football, a downfield kick that does not use a tee

Putting the EmPHAsis on the Right SylLAble

I realized something today that I never realized before.

Really.

The word "routine" is pronounced differently when it's used as an adjective than when it's used as a noun.

Behold...

"It's just a ROUtine investigation, ma'am."

"This job is so boring. It's the same rouTINE every day."

"Her figure skating career will never take off. She has such a ROUtine rouTINE."

And so, I began to wonder whether there were any other words like that.

Behold...

"There are a lot of interconnected parts in this group of buildings. It's a comPLEX COMplex."

"I'm satisfied with what's in this book. I'm conTENT with the CONtent."

"What a snob! There was no real emotion in that greeting at all. It was a HOLlow holLOW."

https://youtu.be/mvYY1zrC3BA

Standing in the Shadows of the 464th Greatest Song of All Time

There are two things about "Standing in the Shadows of Love" as recorded by The Four Tops in 1966:

     1.  I only know one line of the song: the one that contains the title.

     2.  For all these years, I've thought the word "shadows" was "shadow", so now I know that I never really knew the one line of the song I thought I knew, you know?

And that's a shame, because if you're looking for a song to help you whine about your lack of certainty in the longevity of the love you see...this is it:

Standing in the shadows of love

I'm getting ready for the heartaches to come

Can't you see me standing in the shadows of love

I'm getting ready for the heartaches to come

All alone I'm destined to be

With misery my only company

It may come today, and it might come tomorrow

But it's for sure I ain't got nothing but sorrow

Yes indeed, the mid-sixties were the perfect time for bouncy, happy love songs. "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows..." ♫♪♫

Off the Mark O Words

An excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Oakleaves (clause)  -  What an oak does when it is highly offended by the content of a conversation

OAR (acronym)  -  Oblong Aquatic Rearranger

Obfuscated (clause)  -  How Hans Brinker's friend, Obfu, got around in the winter

Obituary (n)  -  After January and February, the month with the most deaths

Objection (n)  -  In a court case, the point where damning evidence and desperation intersect

Obliterate (adj)  -  Having or showing knowledge of ob

Oblong (n)  -  Asian cousin of Obwan Kenobi

Oboes (n)  -  Least-appreciated instruments at mealtime; "Keep your oboes off the table!"

Obscene (n)  -  Any segment in Star Wars: A New Hope in which Alec Guinness' character appears

Obscure (n)  -  A method for treating a disease that no one ever contracts anymore

Podcast Say What???

One good thing about a hefty commute: being able to listen to some really good podcasts along the way.

However...

Listening to podcasts while your GPS app is helping you avoid traffic tie-ups can make for some...interesting...audio mash-ups:

     "Good gracious, Marshall Dillon! What are we gonna do?"
     "Well, Chester, at the light, make a slight right to merge onto State Route 10."

     James and John were asking for the best seats in the Kingdom, and Jesus said, "In one mile, continue onto Cedar Avenue."

The Existence of God Is No Cheap Trick: Song Number 465

Cheap Trick's recording of "Surrender" is listed as the 465th greatest song of all time by Rolling Stone, and I've only got three things to say about that:

     1.  I had never heard the song before, so I had to YouTube it to even begin to think about perhaps contemplating the creating of an idea about making a blog-post about it.

     2.  It's kind of a catchy little number that doesn't make me wretch, even though the singer talks about finding his mom and dad on the couch listening to his KISS records, getting high, and making out.

     3.  I'm overjoyed it wasn't "I Want You to Want Me."

Bonus source of joy: While doing research connected to statement number three, I found that "I Want You to Want Me" didn't make the list at all.

And some people say there is no God. Hmph!

Not Real N Words

A narrow nibble from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Nabbed (clause)  -  "Quick! Grab that piece of sleep furniture!"

Nabbing (clause)  -  "Quick! Grab that dog-faced crooner!"

Nacho (interjection)  -  The sound of a Spanish sneeze

NAG (acronym)  -  Nasty Around-the-clock Griping

Nail (n)  -  Every issue in the life of a person who only has a hammer

Naive (n)  -  An intravenous bottle full of sodium

Name (adj)  -  Crippned or physicanny disabned, especianny in the foot or neg so as to nimp or wank with awkwardness

NAP (acronym)  -  Nice Afternoon Project

Naps (n)  -  A backwards bridge

Narcissist (n)  -  A cissist with a single horn protruding from its head

It Pays to Make Your Teacher Chuckle

There was a time in my life when I almost lost all interest in all things musical.

It's hard to believe now, seeing as how 87% of my personal memory bank consists of the melody and lyric of 70's singer-songwriters, 60's folk-rock groups, and the entire catalog of TV's greatest theme songs.

"What is it that almost turned you off of music?" you may ask.

Well...go ahead...ask.

"What is it that almost turned you off of music?!!?"

The answer is a single college class: Music Appreciation.

Oh yes, dear reader, I understand the definition of irony.

What I didn't understand at the time, though, was why I needed to memorize dates and terminology in order to demonstrate my appreciation of music.

I did experience one brief, shining moment of glory in the class, though.

Part of the final exam was a list of musical terms that we were expected to define. No multiple guesswork, either, babycakes; we were expected to put pen to paper and write down the definitions however our brains spewed them forth.

I did okay for a while.

pianissimo - softly
forte - hardly

But then, in an apparent attempt to keep things interesting, the prof included the word manicotti on the list.

Now...this was the mid-70s. I was a rural Midwestern college freshman. My knowledge of musical terms was abysmal and my familiarity with Italian food ended with spaghetti, pizza, and sausage...and come to think of it, I probably was only conversant in Polish sausage.

What I'm saying is that I had absolutely no idea what the word manicotti meant.

And so, I turned on my parallel thinking and punted. I picked up my pen and wrote "manicotti  -  What male members of the Italian army sleep on."

You may think that's the stupidest thing you've ever heard, but the professor gave me half a credit point for it!

#TrueStory

My Little Stowaway

Alright, flock, it is time for us to consider the 466th greatest song of all time. It was recorded by Del Shannon and featured a Musitron solo that has distinguished it from the mountainous pile of early-sixties rock-n-roll for 59 years.

As I walk along, I wonder

A-what went wrong with our love

A love that was so strong

And as I still walk on, I think of

The things we've done together

While our hearts were young

I'm a-walkin' in the rain

Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain

Wishin' you were here by me

To end this misery

I wonder

I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder...

Sound familiar? (If not, you need to CLICK HERE and listen to "Runaway," the 1961 hit that spent a month at the top of the charts. You also need to confront your parents for their sub-standard expansion of your cultural horizons.)

The amazing and absolutely made-up thing about this song, though, is that it was a parody of an earlier song written and performed by a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic.

As I sail along, I wonder

A-what went wrong with his ticket

A ticket he won on shore

And now as this ship sinks, I think of

How it would stink to die here

Alone upon this door

I'm a-floating in the night

Fingers freezin' and I'm filled with fright

Wishin' you felt totally free

To place your hands on me

I wonder

I wah-wah-wah-wah wonder

Why

Why, why, why, why, why

He sank away

And I wonder

If he was gay

My little stowaway

My stow-stow-stow-stow stowaway

Misleading M Words

A miniature morsel from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Macaroni (n)  -  Edible art medium

Macaw (n)  -  The call of a mother crow

Macchiato (n)  -  A hot beverage consisting of espresso, a small amount of foamed milk, and a large portion of pretension

MACE (acronym)  -  Make Anyone Cry Elixer

Machete (v)  -  To copy another's answers in the manner of your mother

Machine (n)  -  The fifth in a series of chins sported by a female parental unit

Machineguns (n)  -  The biceps of a robot or android

Mackinaw (clause)  -  Why Mack's chin is on the floor

MAD (acronym)  -  Moms Against Dads

Miasma (n)  -  A personal breathing difficulty

Pre-fixing a Non-existent Pro-blem

I seriously think most HR departments have so little to do, they spend most of their time creating issues so they can spend the rest of their time trying to solve them.

Consider this TrueTruth example from my very own personal RealLife experience...

One otherwise-normal day, I walked into the public restroom at my place of employment and saw a sign on the wall next to the touch-free paper towel dispensers.

Did I say "sign"? Please forgive me. It was an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper upon which someone with computer access had printed:

PLEASE DISPENSE

A PAPER TOWEL

FOR THE NEXT PERSON

My cubicle-mates and I pondered over that a bit. Well, to be a bit more accurate, we discussed, "What the farnsworth is THAT all about?"

Because of previous experience, the long-term employee in our group suggested that someone close to the top of the corporate ladder must have determined we were taking too much time resting in the restroom. Of course, that didn't help the note make any more sense to any of us.

Did the top-o-the-foodchain think it would save us time to have the person in front of us wave their hand in front of the dispenser instead of us doing it ourselves? That ranks right up there with  -  and I'm pretty sure I've said this before  -  trying to make a blanket longer by cutting off one end so you can sew it onto the other end.

And then we started applying the same logic to other workplace time-wasters:

• Please pour a cup of coffee for the next person
• Please take the next person's personal phone call for them
• Please leave the breakroom refrigerator door open for the next person
• Please eat the next person's lunch

Ooh! That last one? I believe that's what John Lennon called InstantKarma.

Catching Flies with Vinegar: The 467th Greatest Song of All Time

I underSTAND that Guns N' Roses was the biggest rock band in the world for about five years in the late Eighties and early Nineties.

I GET it that both boys and girls would scream in delight at the mention of them coming to town on tour.

I can apPREciate that "Welcome to the Jungle" was their first huge hit.

What I DON'T comprehend is how they thought they could entice females to become part of their entourage with words like "If you got the money, honey, we got your disease," and "I wanna watch you bleed."

Ranks right up there with "You don't want to go to the prom with me, do you?"

A Partial List of Illegitimate L Words

From Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Labor (n)  -  An excuse for verbal abuse directed toward one’s husband

LACE (acronym)  -  Lingerie Attracting Considerable Examination

Lacerate (v)  -  To determine the relative public appropriateness of lingerie

Lackadaisical (adv)  -  Flowerlessly

Lackeys (n)  -  People who are unable to unlock doors

Lactose (adj)  -  Footless

Ladies (clause)  -  What happens when The Big One hits Los Angeles

Ladle (French)  -  Boythe

Lager (n)  -  A member of the generation younger than kagers and older than magers

Lagoon (n)  -  A stupid, foolish, or awkward roughneck from Southern California

Tower of Babble

It's easy enough to accomplish. Even I got it done with little to no difficulty, so it's sure to be a cinch for someone like you.

And yet, I'M the one putting it in writing here in the super-glamorous environs of blogdom.

What is this "it" of which I speak, you ask? I shall briefly elucidate. It's finding out what happens to some common phrases when submitted to The Great Googly Moogly's mechanical translation services to go from English to Japanese to Spanish to English...

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. 

becomes

Four scores ago and seven years ago, our father created a new country on this continent dedicated to the proposition that he devised and created freely for all men

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

becomes

If you want your opinion, please.

My name is Dewey Roth and I approve this message.

becomes

My name is Dewey Ross and I recognize this message.

You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

becomes

You can't skate in a herd of buffalo, but you can be happy if you have a heart.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

becomes

Starlight, bright star, the first star I saw tonight, I want tonight, I want tonight.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

becomes

If the wooden chuck is capable of throwing the wood, how much wood throws the wood?

The Stooges Destroy Music As We Know It

The 468th-greatest song of all time, "Search and Destroy" by The Stooges, was written by Iggy Pop while he was wearing his cheetah-patterned leather jacket and "snorting big Chinese rocks of heroin."

And sounds like it.

Everything about it.

Sounds exactly like being strung out.

I'm assuming.

How else do you explain rhyming "napalm" and "A-bomb" by making them sound like "naypam" and "A-bam"?

And hey, Rolling Stone! How does this song get on this list when it never made the charts?

At all.

Ever.

What the What?

I've lost all faith in my "Here, Let Us Help You Write More Betterly" app.

I was writing a post for my other blog, Truth Is..., and wanted to use the word escargot. Having temporarily forgotten the French origin of the word, I failed to include the silent T at the end and my grammar-check app dutifully piped up to inform me that escargo is not a word...but didn't do its normal thing of suggesting what I may have been attempting to spell. All it said was that escargo is an unknown word.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?

We live in a world where, if you type the word Why into a search engine, the WorldWideWackfest suggests you might be searching for "why is the sky blue", "why do dogs eat grass", "why do cats purr", or "why is my poop green."

Our technology has advanced to the point of being able to complete my thought of How can to possibly be "how can i make extra money", "how can you get herpes", "how can you mend a broken heart", or "how can i watch yellowstone."

You're telling me the amassed knowledge of the known universe couldn't figure out that I was missing a T??!?

Non-Kosher K Words

Just a bit of a kit of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Kale (n)  -  1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kaleidoscope (n)  -  A device for scanning identification cards before allowing the purchase of 1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kalifate (n)  -  The son of Kalifsephen

Karoscene (n)  -  The section of a play or film involving corn syrup

Kayak (n)  -  A large, stocky, shaggy-haired wild ox that comes after a jayak and before an elyak

Kazoo (n)  -  An annoying noisemaker often mistaken for a musical instrument…or maybe the other way around

Keelhaul (v)  -  To transport 1,000 eels

KEG (acronym)  -  Keeping Extra Gallons

Keister (n)  -  One who keists; especially from behind

Kelp (n)  -  The kale of the sea

Musical "Dear John" Letter

Do any of us ever actually pay attention to the words of the songs we sing?

"Sure we do," you say, and rightly so. There are certainly times when we sincerely mean what we sing:

• "Happy birthday to you."
• "I once was lost, but now I'm found."
• "Who let the dogs out?"

But I'm thinking when we jump into a group KaraokeFest, we aren't really taking into consideration the sad, mournful meaning of Carole King's divorce ditty, "It's Too Late".

Maybe if we thought of it as a note found on a bedside table...instead of the 469th-greatest song of all time:

Gerry:

I stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time. There's no denying there's something wrong here. One of us is changing, or maybe we've both just stopped trying.

Baby, it's too late now, though we really did try to make it. I can't hide that something inside has died and I just can't fake it.

It used to be so easy living here with you. You were light and breezy; I knew just what to do. But now...now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool.

I hope there'll be good times again for me and you, but staying together just doesn't work anymore. Don't you feel it too? Still...I'm glad for what we had. I loved you once. It was good while it lasted.

But it's too late now, baby.

Carole

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I have to admit that I don't know why she's still calling him "baby".

YIKES! Maybe it's not about a divorce at all! Maybe Ms. King is singing about abandoning her child!

(This rumor has been brought to you by almostthetruth.com.)