Headlines to Hope for in 2020

Political Ads Will Run Only on a Dedicated Cable Channel

Scientific Breakthrough Converts Global Warming Into Free Electricity

Complete Toy Story Box Set, With 20 Hours of Special Features, Available for $20

Harry Chapin, Jim Croce, and Leon Redbone Begin Their "Out of This" World Tour

Kardashians Take Vows of Silence

Dog Breeders Announce New Canine that Picks Up Its Own Poo...Which Smells Like Fine Corinthian Leather

Mister Rogers Resurrects; Wins Presidential Recount

Twitter Shuts Down: "We Just Really Don't Care Anymore"

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Too

The collection of Christmasy versions of Beatles tunes continues and concludes, all in one fell swoop...

Here Comes the Snow  -  Little darlin', it'll be a long, cold, lonely winter. Little darlin', I've got some hot, spiced cider here.

I Saw Her Shopping There  -  I won't use layaway with another since I saw her shopping there.

I Want a Walrus  -  I am a young lad trying not to sound mad, but I want a walrus! Goo goo ga jube!

Lady Madonna  -  Lady Madonna, Joseph at your side; wondering how you managed the long mule ride.

The Long and Winding String of Lights  -  ...that is tangled in the garage

Lucy in a Fit with Ribbons  -  Picture yourself in a room filled with paper; the gift bags are bent and your scissors are dull.

Maxwell's Silver Bells  -  Hear them ring! Maxwell's silver bells came down the attic stair. Ring-a-ling! Maxwell's silver bells ensured a festive affair.

Paper Check Writer  -  Dear cashier, I don't have a card, and carrying cash is so very hard. I just wanna buy these items right here, and I'm so old-school that I need to be a paper check writer...paper check writer!

While My Accounts Gently Weep  -  I look at the bills I've racked up since November while my accounts gently weep.

Simply Having a Beatlesesque Christmastime, Part Won

It seems there's no end to the supply of "previously-unreleased material" by The Fab Four. The latest collection making its way out of George Martin's vault includes these festive versions of some of their most-beloved tunes...

A Day in the North Pole  -  I read the thermometer today, oh boy; about too low to measure in Centigrade.

A Hard Day's Flight  -  It's been a hard day's flight; I flew with Santa around the world. It's been a hard day's flight; giving presents to boys and girls.

All You Need Is Tinsel  -  There's nothing you can buy that can't be crated. Nowhere you can live undecorated.

Being for the Benefit of Planet Earth  -  For the benefit of Planet Earth, we celebrate the Christ-child's birth in Bethlehem.

Can't Buy Me Anything on the 24th  -  Buy you the latest thing, my friend, but not on Christmas Eve.

Carry That Tree  -  Boy, you're gonna carry that tree; carry that tree up three flights.

Drive My Sleigh  -  Rudolph, you can drive my sleigh. I only need it for one day.

Eight Days of Deals  -  Ooh, I need the car, babe, to get down to the mall. They've dropped the prices far, babe, I need to buy it all.

Fool on the Roof  -  Day after day, running more cords, the man with the plastic reindeer nailed to misshapen boards.

Give Back  -  Jojo got a gift that didn't really fit him, so he returned it to the store.

How Do You Say "Shameless Hussy" in French?

Number 479 on Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time", "Lady Marmalade," is responsible for one of only three French phrases I've ever sung.

The phrase is "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?", and its English translation is "Do you want to sleep with me?", which should give you a good idea what the rest of the song is about.

Let's just say it has nothing to do with a woman selling fruit preserves.

For the curious, the other two French song phrases I know have to do with:

• The words "Michelle" and "belle" being a good fit
• Asking Brother John if he's sleeping

Tres bon!

Thankful Thoughts

• The negative effects of a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese^® are not immediate, which helps me to ignore them while enjoying a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese^®.
• The law of gravity didn't require a two-thirds majority in order to pass.
• Nobody REALLY cares whether it's pronounced kyoo-pon or coo-pon.
• BabySister opened my mind to the wonderfulness that is Skyline Chili^® poured over macaroni and cheese.
• Dog hair isn't carcinogenic.
• Dairy Queen Blizzards^® are exponentially more enjoyable than meteorological blizzards.
• No one seems to be protesting the obviously-restrictive/repressive order in which children are forced to memorize the letters of the alphabet. (It's nice to know at least SOME things are safe from the "Come on, it's the 21st Century" line of reasoning.)
• The foreheads of humans do not feature a scrolling news ticker based on what lurks within.

A Bevy of Bogus B Words

An itsy-bitsy bit of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Baboon (adj)  -  The opposite of babooff

Babyhood (n)  -  A pre-juvenile delinquent

Babyproof (n)  -  Generic equivalent of e.p.t. and First Response pregnancy tests

Backdate (n)  -  An evening of social interaction so enjoyable as to be repeated

Backfire (v)  -  To bring one's employment to an end before they have even been hired

Backslap (v)  -  Supports the front of a person's thighs when said person is in a seated position

Backspace (n)  -  Rate of speed when in reverse

Burst (n)  -  A chilly avenue

Byte (v)  -  To cut, wound, tear, gryp, or hold wyth the teeth

Byzantine (n)  -  An antiseptic spray for residents of Constantinople in the Middle Ages

A Robot's Attempt to Inspire

Good old InspiroBot.me. Where else could a person go to have a robot randomly create those inspiring quote posters that literature teachers love so much?

Here's a new batch to help you reach a higher standard of self-awareness and tranquility.

And my favorite one because of the particular pairing of image and idea...

Van Morrison Is Almost Philosophical

Mention Van Morrison and the normal person of a certain age will think of one of two songs, either "Moondance" or "Brown-Eyed Girl"...neither of which would dare show up as low as 480 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time.

Nooooo...

THAT honor is reserved for "Into the Mystic," which I didn't recognize by title, so I had to do a teeny-tiny search on YouTube.

Two things I need to say about listening to this song for the very first time:

     1.  Man, I need to listen to more Morrison.
     2.  Man, I have no idea what this song means.

It's good to find out that I'm not alone on my second point. Morrison didn't even know what he was singing about:

"People say, 'What does this mean?' A lot of times I have no idea what I mean. That's what I like about rock & roll -- the concept. Like Little Richard -- what does he mean? You can't take him apart; that's rock & roll to me."

I submit that there's a different expectation of understandability between "Wop-bop-a-loo-mop, alop-bam-boom" and "Hark, now hear the sailors cry. Smell the sea and feel the sky. Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic."

Of course, it COULD be a song about embracing one's foibles and not being weighed down by minor failures along the road of life, if only "mystic" was a typo for "mistake".

A Girl Manatee Vomits: Movie Title Anagrams

The following is proof positive that I've had some time on my hands and twisted thoughts in my head.

• Gone With the Wind = Hinged White Town (Oh, if only I could trade that first H for an S.)
• The Avengers = Three Vegans
• (Harry Potter and the) Deathly Hallows = Hold Thy Seawall
• Lord of the Rings = Drool Frightens (especially if it's dripping from the mandibles of a giant spider)
• The Dark Knight = Thank Third Keg (It's a good movie that looks totally different depending on what's IN those kegs.)

• The Lion King = Hen Lingo Kit ("You'll be talking to the barnyard fowl in your life in just two weeks!")
• Despicable Me = Medical Beeps (Minions on life support?)
• (Harry Potter and the) Half-Blood Prince = Blanched Prof Oil (This is almost an appropriate recap!)
• Finding Nemo = Demon Fin Gin (Brand name of the reason Dory has a short-term memory problem)
• The Force Awakens = Wenches Toke Afar (In a galaxy far, far away, some saucy gals are getting high.)

Accumulation of Almost A-words

An abbreviated assortment of entries from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Abandonees (n)  -  When Christian rock groups pray

Abase (n)  -  The first corner of a baseball diamond a successful batter must touch (followed by bbase and cbase)

Abbreviate (v)  -  To make one's stomach muscles smaller or tighter

Abdomen (n)  -  The alien-race antagonists in the 1953 motion picture, Flash Gordon and the Attack of the Abdomen

Abducting (n)  -  The act of wrapping the stomach muscles with gray tape

Abiding (n)  -  The sound of a bell that is attracted to either gender

Abiotrophy (n)  -  Literary award for a book about a person's life

Abolish (adj)  -  Kind of like abol

Antidote (v)  -  To bestow or express excessive disdain or dislike (usually followed by on or upon); "I'm surprised that dog stays around, the way they antidote on it."

Bowie's Burning Questions

In 1975, David Bowie killed off his Ziggy Stardust bit in favor of something he called "plastic soul", which resulted in the 481st greatest song of all time, "Young Americans".

I confess that I have never been a huge fan of Bowie. My knowledge base for him includes only five items:

     1.  The song, "Fame"
     2.  A Christmas duet with Bing Crosby
     3.  His appearance in the Jim Henson movie, Labyrinth
     4.  The song, "Space Oddity"
     5.  His duet video of "Dancing in the Streets" with Mick Jagger

And now there's this song, "Young Americans," which includes the following urgent inquiries:

• Do you remember your President Nixon?
• Do you remember the bills you have to pay?
• Ain't there a man who can say no more? 
• Ain't there a woman I can sock on the jaw?
• Ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
• Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
• Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?

It's amazing that anyone this confused and confusing could ever have invented such a famous knife.

"Is He Even Breathing?!!?"

I'm not as lively as I once was, and I've got technological proof.

You know those light switches that are motion-sensitive? You know what I mean. A company wants to save money on its electricity bill, so it installs these switches that turn off the lights in a room after a set amount of time of there being no activity in that room.

Well, my current place of employment has those in the restroom.

I just got back from a visit to said restroom wherein the lights turned off because of my stillness.

Three times.

Hey...isn't there a reason it's called a RESTroom?

Observed Absurdities™ 47 - A Lotta Bad Stuph Not Included

A recent trip through the aisles of my local large grocery enterprise left me wondering about the quality of foodstuffs being stuffed into my piehole.

I was la-la-la-ing past the frozen foods when I looked up to see a sign that was trying its best to assure me of the high quality of the food Wild Harvest was offering for purchase:

My first thought: Has it come to this? Just like in politics, where it's not sufficient to expound on your own positive traits, but you've also got to make sure everyone understands your opponent's faults and failings  -  so it is (apparently) with groceries. Not satisfied to tell me all the good stuph included in the bags of frozen vegetables, now the Wild Harvest folks feel compelled to let me know what bad things are NOT included.

My second thought: This list of 140 bad things being referenced...is that an exhaustive list? I mean, are there only 140 "undesirable ingredients" in existence?

If so, I want to see this list. I know there are some very particular things that I particularly want to know there are no particles of in my food:

Snake Venom

Horse Sweat

Cow Cud

Cat Barf

Couch Cushion Detritus

Bloody Gauze

Asparagus

18 is 482, AOK?

Try not to be shocked at this, but Alice Cooper was lying when he recorded the 482nd-greatest song of all time, "I'm Eighteen".

Late-winter/early-spring of my 8th-grade year, when I was not yet 14, "I'm Eighteen" spent thirteen weeks on the charts.

It was a pretty rockin' way to express the late-teen angst of not being sure who you were and being, at that time, old enough to fight in a war but not old enough to vote.

Even though I wasn't eighteen, I still claimed my unalienable right to be filled with angst.

Angst a lot, America!


But here's the really amazing thing.

When I searched the World Wide Wackfest for Alice Cooper's birthdate, I found out that he was an American sculptor born April 8, 1875.

That's right, Alice Cooper sang "I'm Eighteen" when he was 96 years old.

Which makes him, at the time of this writing, exactly as old as he looks.

Gimme a Nun-Worn Aftershave (Even More Fun with Anagrams)

There are secret secrets to be revealingly revealed when a person shiftily shifts letters around to a decidedly different order...

A double negative, but still a valid observation about the U. S. Government  -  Never not smug

An obscure collection curated by Tom Hanks  -  Monk hats

A new slogan for Cable News Network (CNN)  -  We Celebrant Wonks

In the interest of fairness, a disturbing headline from Fox News Network  -  Wonk Went for Sex

The only surprise here is that any president would admit this  -  I pretends

Hawkeye Pierce declares his disdain of war  -  Why, I reek peace!

The world's first palindrome, Madam I'm Adam, becomes a wicked son's request  -  Maim Dad, Mama.

Apparently, a McDonald's QuarterPounder was involved in some little-known wordplay  -  Quoted rarer pun

An encouraging cheer for my mom, Georgina Roth  - Go, hog trainer!

#TrueTruth about my Beloved, Debbie Roth  -  Bride be hot

Me and My Big Guffaw

Sometimes, my sense of humor gets me noticed in ways I'd rather not get noticed.

There I was, politely sitting toward the front of the sanctuary, listening to RadBrad sermonize about why some folks are less-than-eager to openly talk about their faith. One reason he mentioned is that there is a fear of a negative response from the people we talk to.

To give us some perspective on how relatively-minor anyone's negative response would be compared to what, say, the Apostle Paul went through, RadBrad asked:

"Have any of you ever been stoned?"

Believe it or not, I was the only person who laughed out loud at that.

A merry heart worketh like medicine, my foot.

I Obviously Don't Understand Heaven

In May of 1987, when The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" was released, and for the 19 weeks it was on the charts, I was nowhere near a Top 40 radio station.

And I'm pretty sure I couldn't be happier.

There are a couple things I just don't get about this song:

     1.   Why it's listed as the 483rd greatest song of all time when it never even got above 40 on the radio charts
     2.   What the farnsworth is it trying to say?

It starts out with some decidedly PG-13 quotes from the singer's girlfriend:

"Show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream," she said

"The one that makes me laugh," she said

And threw her arms around my neck

But before the first verse is over, she's getting all accusatory and whiney: 

"Why are you so far away?" she said

"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?

That I'm in love with you?"

Then things get all weird and poetic and I don't know if it's still the girlfriend talking or the singer:

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

Just like a dream

Not only like a dream, but an actual dream, judging by the second verse:

Daylight licked me into shape

I must have been asleep for days

And moving lips to breathe her name

I opened up my eyes

And found myself alone

Alone

Alone above a raging sea

That stole the only girl I loved...

NOW I get it, he's singing about his dead girlfriend.

...And drowned her...

How sad!

...deep inside of me

Wait...what???

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

Soft...lost...lonely...HOW IS THAT JUST LIKE HEAVEN??!!?

Almost Definitions V

Even still more yet from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Tabaret (n)  -  Popular movie musital scarring Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles and Joel Grey as the Mascer of Teremonies.

Tabbed (clause)  -  Where folks go at night when they're tired.

Tailored (n)  -  What a male cardinal has, as opposed to a male bluebird's tailoblue.

Udders (v)  -  When a cow employs the faculty of speech; uses the voice to talk.

Umpteenth (adj)  -  Having the appearance of being done by an unqualified person; "You really made this soup umpteenth! It tastes like a baseball official playing golf."

Vaccine (n)  -  A monthly periodical about Hoover, Bissell, and Dyson.

Wagon (adj)  -  Description of a sad, tailless canine.

Waltz (adj)  -  Belonging to Disney.

Xantham (n)  -  A stirring, loyalty-inducing song played before every x-ray procedure.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

Zeal (n)  -  any of numerouz carnivorouz marine mammalz that live chiefly in cold regionz and have limbz modified into webbed flipperz adapted primarily to zwimming; often erroneouzly confuzed with a zea lion.

Back in the Sadder

Just in time for the end of the summer family vacation season, I have been reminded of a game Beloved and I used to play with our four ankle-biters when driving long distances.

The origin of our little time-filler was a sketch from the educational television show, The Electric Company. Two cowboys (Skip Hinnant and Morgan Freeman...yes, THE Morgan Freeman) were loping along while the significant words from their dialogue appeared over their heads...ostensibly, helping the young viewers learn to read.

It sure is good to be back in the sadder again.

Back in the what?

The sadder. You know, sitting here
on our horses. Back in the sadder.

You mean saddle. It's good
to be back in the saddle.

Saddle?!? No, that's like when
a teacher is trying to get the students'
attention: "Okay, kids, saddle down."

Oh for crying out...that's settle!
It's "settle down, kids!"

Now you're just confused. Settle is a
breed of dog. We once had an
Irish settle. Beautiful animal.

That's setter. You had an Irish setter.

No, no, no. Setter is like after you've
broken up with your girlfriend:
"Ahhh, setter but wiser."

The phrase is sadder but wiser. Sadder.

Well, that's what I said to begin with!
It's good to be back in the sadder again!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

The Roth Family version of this very rarely circled back on itself so neatly. We have been known to cross a complete state while flinging malaprops back and forth at each other:

Look at that statue of a Native American!
Look at the size of the quiver on that thing!

You mean shiver. The thing that
holds arrows is called a shiver.

Shiver? That's when a young boy first
starts using razors. "What a cute little shiver!"

That would be shaver.

Shaver? That's the high-tech
skateboard Marty McFly used.
I wish we could buy a shaverboard!

Hoverboard! The word is hover!

Hover?!? You silly little...hover is like
when you put a lid on a pot.

That's cover. You cover the pot.

Noooo...cover is what you
call a group of witches.

That would be coven!

Coven?!? A coven is what you bake cakes in!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Round and round it goes! Where it stops, nobody knows!

Rock-N-Roll Pays Off

The story of the 484th-greatest song of all time ranks right up there with all the record execs who poo-pooed the Beatles when they first were trying to get a recording contract.

Here's how Rolling Stone put it:

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett
Written by: Jake Hooker, Alan Merrill
Produced by: Ritchie Cordell, Kenny Laguna
Released: Jan. '82 on Boardwalk
Charts: 20 weeks
Top spot: No. 1


Attempting to jump-start a solo career after her stint in teenage rock band the Runaways, Jett was turned down by twenty-three record labels as she shopped around the demo tape to "I Love Rock 'N Roll." She finally cut the song for tiny Boardwalk Records, but that label's execs weren't sure that Jett's riff-rocker was a hit -- she was able to buy the radio rights to the track for $2,500. Today, Jett is a girl-rock icon and the song is worth nearly $20 million.

Can I get a "Neener-neener"?!!?

Take THAT, you clueless gatekeepers!

How to Tell Someone's Not Minnesotan

All this week, and continuing through Sunday afternoon, Beloved and I have been/are performing in the 20th Anniversary production of the Dakota Chautauqua.

It started as a commemoration of Dakota County's 150th birthday, during the Dakota County Fair of 1999, and has featured original songs and mostly-humorous scenes based on Minnesota history.

In recent years, it expanded to celebrate Minnesota's quirks and contributions to culture...

...which is what led me to write the song, "You're Not From Around Here."

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here

I can tell by the funny way you talk

Your kids play Duck, Duck Goose instead of Grey Duck

You don't say "wanna come with" when you go for a walk

Your opinions are stated bold and clearly

You never say "what a fella might want to do"

Your compliments are not one bit back handed

Your aggression's never passive, that's the truth

You say what you mean and mean what you say

I could go on like this all day

I'm sorry, this might sound harsh, I fear

I'm not one for playing dumb

But you stick out like a sore thumb

I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here

I'm thinkin' that you're not from around here.

I can tell by the way you flaunt your style

That parka that you wear in mid-October

Makes all the Scandehoovians point and smile

And when in the mail an ad comes from Cabela's

You rush to put that thing right in the trash

You must be allergic to all things flannel

If not, then please explain that nasty rash

In January, you stay inside

You're scared that you might freeze your hide

And May's your favorite season of the year

First you're cold and then you're hot

Gee, you sure complain a lot

I'm pretty sure you didn't grow up here.

Yeah, and if I'm not mistaken

With all your belly-achin'

I'm sure as shootin' you're not from 'round here

©2017 Music GGGGus