Hoped-For Headlines for 2024

 

With a little luck, some of these just might get printed for real.

Last-minute Candidate with Brains and an Actual Moral Compass Wins Write-in Campaign for the Presidency

Longmire Returns to Television with a 5-year Contract

All Music Recorded in the 21st Century Mysteriously Disappears

The Health Benefits of Kale Revealed as a Hoax

It Is No Longer Fashionable to Broadcast One's Sexual or Gender Proclivities

Supreme Court Rules That Yelling Does Not Make Your Stupid Theory Correct

Usage of "Should Of" Instead of "Should've" or "Should Have" Results in Large Fines

Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie

#RuinAChristmasSong

 

What would happen if some unscrupulous modifier wreaked havoc with our classic holiday tunes?

Away in a Manager  -  All the cookies get eaten by your immediate supervisor.

O Hum, O Hum Emmanuel  -  When you don't know the words

Silent Knight  -  "Silent knight. Deaf-mute knight. With his helmet on, he's got limited sight."

O Come to Old Faithful  -  The latest promotional jingle for the U.S. Parks Department

120 Days of Christmas  -  Can't. Imagine. Singing this. Ever.

Do You Smell What I Smell?  -  "In the stable near, shepherd boy"

Soy to the World  -  Vegan anthem

Cookies We Have Burnt on High  -  Time to fix the oven

Whose Tupperware Is This?  -  "Whose Tupperware is this, that holds the salad, that no one seems to have wanted?"

God Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen  -  Holiday revelers have the right to remain silent.

Tingle Bells  -  A short in an extension chord leads to a shocking discovery.

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1990s

 

Having already turned several chart toppers from the Fifties through the Seventies into Christmas tunes (Click the Christmas label to find them), we now focus our parody powers on the 1990s*:

How Am I Supposed to Give Without You?  -  Michael Bolton doesn't know what gifts to buy now that he's divorced.

Nice Ice Baby  -  Vanilla Ice raps about the quality of his girlfriend's backyard pond.

Baby Baby  -  "Baby baby, laying in a manger. You came to rescue my soul from danger." (Amy Grant)

Baby Took Back  -  Sir Mix-A-Lot tells the tale of returning purchases.

Santa's Paradise  -  "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of snow, I take a look at my life and think, 'Ho Ho Ho'!" (Coolio)

I Will Always Love Eggnog  -  A huge hit for Whitney Houston

I'll Make Rolls for You  -  "I'll make rolls for you like grandma used to do." (Boyz II Men)

Mo Money Mo Gifts  -  The Notorious B.I.G. pays homage to consumerism.

Gettin' Figgy Wit It  -  "On your mark ready set let's go; Kitchen pro I know you know I go psycho when my pudding's lit; Just can't sit; Gotta get figgy wit it" (Will Smith)

Livin' La Vida Mortal  -  Ricky Martin sings as if he's Jesus celebrating his family's escape to Egypt. The video for this song featured a computer-generated dancing baby.

_______
* Editor's Note: We noticed...just before publishing this post...that Dewey skipped over the 1980s. Gives us all something to look forward to in December 2024.

The Birth of a Stalker: The 414th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Most music lovers "of a certain age" know the Coasters by their big hits:

• Yakety Yak  -  "Take out the papers and the trash...Don't talk back!"
• Charlie Brown  -  "Why's everybody always pickin' on me?"
• Along Came Jones  -  "Slow-walkin' Jones; slow-talkin' Jones; along came long, lean, lanky Jones"

The connecting thread between these songs is a big, healthy dose of humor in each one. And according to Rolling Stone magazine, their first hit, ranked as the 414th greatest song of all time, was the "hilarious jailbait ditty 'Young Blood' that got these jokers into the Top Ten."

I was willing to accept that characterization of the song until I read the lyrics:

I saw her standin' on the corner

A yellow ribbon in her hair

I couldn't keep myself from shoutin'

Look a-there Look a-there

Look a-there Look a-there

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

I took one look and I was fractured

I tried to walk but I was lame

I tried to talk but I just stuttered

What's your name What's your name

What's your name What's your name

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

What crazy stuff She looked so tough

I had to follow her all the way home

Then things went bad; I met her dad

He said, "You'd better leave my daughter alone"

I couldn't sleep a wink for tryin'

I saw the rising of the sun

And all night my heart was cryin'

You're the one, you're the one

You're the one, you're the one

Young blood, young blood, young blood

I can't get you out of my mind

So let me get this straight...

Some juvenile delinquent with impulse control issues catcalls a young girl, follows her home, is warned off by the girl's father, and stays up all night fixating on her as the only object of his affection.

That's not hilarious...that's the opening scene of an episode of Criminal Minds or Law and Order!

Observed Absurdities™ 64 - Dairy Confusion at FastStop

 

In the 1950s, the laundry detergent brand Cheer advertised the enviable fact that it included a "blue-magic whitener". This led Allan "Camp Granada" Sherman to musically ask, "What does that blue magic whitener do? Does it make blue things white, or make white things blue?"

I was reminded of that moment in advertising and pop music history when I saw the following sign on the freezer door at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/tobacco emporium:

Is this butter-flavored ice cream or ice-cream-flavored butter?

And the second item in the What's Wrong With This Picture category is the apparent pair of options I get to choose from concerning the price of this dairy delight.

Dear FastStop:

Perhaps you should consider hiring me as a proofreader instead of a cashier.

Dewey "IB4E" Roth

Blogger ROFLs Over Sunday Dinner

 

They say laughter helps a person's digestion, so I'm pretty sure the fish and chips I had last Sunday were digested most excellently.

Beloved and I went out for lunch with a group of friends from church. I should have known it was going to be unique because as we all started claiming seats around the long table, all the men sat on one end and all the women sat at the other. [My parallel thinking just kicked in: "Well of course all the men sat on one end. How many ends do you think a man has?"]

Other than that totally unexplainable seating arrangement, the meal was going fine. Conversations were flowing, with one comment leading to another at a comfortable rate.

I mentioned the chandelier in the restaurant's entryway that was made out of beer bottles, which led to telling my tablemates about my son-in-law's home brewing efforts and that he won first place in a couple categories at the state fair. That led to some comments about the highly-specialized variations available in the world of beerosity.

There was then a slight pause in the conversational flow and I filled it with the totally unnecessary, "I have never tasted beer." And that quickly led to the following conversation...

Steve: You've not missed much.

Me: I can't get past the awful smell.

Steve: Now see, I like the smell of beer, but not the taste.

Me: I'm like that with coffee.

Steve: I'm like that with gasoline.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

At which point, I needed to lift myself off the floor and put my end back in my seat.

Not the Love Song You Think It Is: The 415th Greatest Song of All Time

 

The first number-one hit The Four Tops ever had was a work of subterfuge and deceit.

Oh, they tried to make Can't Help Myself (Suger Pie Honey Bunch) come across as a love song by including phrases like "I love you and nobody else", but our researchers here at Almost the Truth have uncovered the sly, secret meanings behind several other phrases hidden within the lyric.

YOU SHALL KNOW THE TRUTH AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

More To Boldly Pun Where No One Has Ever Groaned Before

 

Having found out how practically effortless it is to steal Star Trek puns from across the World Wide Wackfest (but especially Riker's Beard), here's another collection of tidbits that will energize and transport you to TickleTown.

Grandson of Change One Letter and Create a Movie

 

It was so much fun doing the father of this "grandson of" (click here to catch up), the entire staff of Almost the Truth has demanded another sequel.

Bear Window  -  A convalescing grizzly witnesses a murder

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mine  -  A germaphobic coal miner never turns off the ultraviolet lamps

Binding Nemo  -  "Tie up that little fish!"

The Stink  -  Paul Newman and Robert Redford star as two conmen at a hog farm

Taxi Drivel  -  Robert DeNiro talks nonsense to himself

The Beer Hunter  -  "When a man says no to champagne, he says no to life."

Sole Like It Hot  -  A European flatfish wears dresses

Jurassic Pork  -  The merry mixups that occur when trying to breed a Very Large Pig

Ricky  -  "Lucy? You got some boxing to do!"

The Hound of Music  -  ♫♪ "The hills are a SQUIRELL!" ♪♫

How to Drain Your Dragon  -  Medieval toilet training

Match Me If You Can  -  Leonardo DiCaprio is the first customer of Tom Hanks' dating service

12 Years a Shave  -  "Come on, Floyd! Can you speed it up a little?"

Tool Hand Luke  -  The highly-anticipated sequel to Edward Scissorhands

Literary Evolution: The 416th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Celebrated member of the Eagles, Don Henley, had a few hits of his own and The Boys of Summer was his second.

Tom Petty's collaborator wrote the music, but its style didn't fit the album that Petty was working on at the time, so it got offered to Henley, who wrote some words about a guy whose heart was broken and sha-boom sha-boom...hitsville.

However...

The title is not original with Henley. The Boys of Summer was a 1972 book by Roger Kahn about the Brooklyn Dodgers, who broke their fans' hearts when they moved to Los Angeles.

However...

That book got its title from Dylan Thomas' 1939 poem, I See the Boys of Summer, about...um...about...well, here's the first verse:

I see the boys of summer in their ruin

Lay the gold tithings barren,

Setting no store by harvest, freeze the soils;

There in their heat the winter floods

Of frozen loves they fetch their girls,

And drown the cargoed apples in their tides.

Yeah, I don't get it either, but apparently, the evolutionary concept of getting more precise and defined over a period of time applies to works of written art.

Bear With Me

 

Let me pass on to you a story that was passed on to me in James Martin's book, Between Heaven and Mirth:

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbi served as chaplains to the students of a college in the Midwest. The three friends would get together several times a week for coffee. One day, someone commented that preaching to people isn't really all that hard  -  a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. So they decided to do an experiment. They would venture into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they gathered again to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had bandages on his face, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and rudely began to push me around. So I grabbed my holy water and baptized him, and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion and to confirm him."

Reverend Smith spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had one arm and both legs in casts. "Well, brothers, I went out and found a bear as well. And then I began to read to him from God's Holy Word. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him, and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another, and down another until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his heavenly soul. And just like you said, Father, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the preacher both looked down at Rabbi Stein, who was on a stretcher. He was in a full body cast. The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Son of Change One Letter and Create a Movie

 

It was so much fun doing the father of this "son of" (click here to catch up), the entire staff of Almost the Truth has demanded a sequel.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Zoom  -  Everyone's favorite archeologist searches for a long-lost online meeting

The Loon King  -  ♫♪ "Hakuna Malutefisk, what a wonderful meal..." ♪♫

Casa Bianca  -  A filmed tour of the Spanish villa owned by the former Mrs. Mick Jagger

Apocalypse Cow  -  "I love the smell of manure in the morning."

Django Unchaired  -  A former slave is not allowed to sit.

Toe Story  -  "To the shoe store...and beyond!"

Avengers: Infinity Car  -  The Avengers and their allies must be willing to sacrifice all in an attempt to create a vehicle that never needs fuel.

Good Will Hinting  -  "It's not your fault, but you're getting warmer...warmer..."

Zingin' in the Rain  -  Don Rickles performs no matter what the weather is like.

Scarfake  -  "Say hello to my little prosthetic!"

To Fill a Mockingbird  -  A documentary on the feeding habits of our fine feathered friends

Honey, I Shrunk the Lids  -  "Wayne! Why don't these fit the pots anymore?"

Boycotting the 417th Greatest Song of All Time

 

I have never heard the song that Rolling Stone named the 417th Greatest Song of All Time. I do not plan to ever hear it. I have not and will not do research on the lyric. I don't need to know anything more about it than what the magazine itself wrote:

With one song, N.W.A brought the battle between rappers and cops to a new level. On August 1st, 1989, the FBI sent a bulletin to the group's label denouncing this song. According to the bulletin, **** tha Police "encourages violence against, and disrespect for, the law enforcement officer." The publicity established N.W.A. as hip-hop's bad boys.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. I am all in favor of freedom of speech and artistic expression and blah, blah, blah. But just because I believe they have a right to say it doesn't mean I'm obligated to hear it or celebrate it.

Enjoy this picture of a puppy instead.

Change One Letter and Create a Movie

 

Here I am, offering help to the screenwriters and producers of the world who seem to be positively desperate for ideas.

Hack to the Future  -  "Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me that you built a time machine... out of a taxi?"

The Green Bile  -  A supernatural tale of everyone on death row getting sick

The Lizard of Oz  -  "Oh my, Toto! Tails regrow so quickly here!"

A Can Called Otto  -  You've heard of the John. You're familiar with the Biffy. You've experienced the Powder Room. Now meet Otto.

The Darn Knight  -  "These socks need to be mended and you're not going to stop me."

Star Bars Episode IV: A New Hope - Maybe Charlie Sheen won't get bounced out this time.

Schindler's Lisp  -  "Thith pin. Two people. Thith ith gold. Two more people."

It's a Wonderful Wife  -  Actually...this doesn't change the movie at all.

Tight Club  -  "The first rule of Tight Club is...nobody fits in Tight Club."

Saving Primate Ryan  -  The adventures of a small squad of zoo keepers looking for a lost chimpanzee.

Jews  -  "You're gonna need a bigger yarmulke."

Done With the Wind  -  Set in the waning days of the Civil War, an entitled Southern belle could simply not care less about an approaching tornado.

Observed Absurdities™ 63 - Unimpressed Toothbrush

 

Apparently, my electric toothbrush is feeling kind of "meh" about my oral hygiene.

Waa! Waa! Waa!: The 418th Greatest Song

 

On Rolling Stone magazine's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," the editors usually have a little something to say about each song: What makes it so great; who wrote it and why, etc. With "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" by Crosby, Stills & Nash, they found no need to explain or justify its inclusion...and they were absolutely right.

Seriously.

But just for fun, I did a little research at songfacts.com and have concluded that though the tune and the harmonies are overwhelmingly beautiful, the words spell out a sad, sad tale.

Stephen Stills wrote the song as he was trying to avoid an impending breakup between Judy Collins and himself. When the song was done, he bought some flowers and went to Collins' house to sing it to her.

Imagine how desperate he must have sounded when he sang words like "It's getting to the point where I am no fun anymore. I am sorry. Sometimes it hurts so badly I must cry out loud, 'I am lonely',"  and "Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other. Oh babe, have mercy," and the perfectly pathetic, "Will you come see me Thursdays and Saturdays? What have you got to lose?"

It makes what Judy Collins said absolutely understandable: "It's gorgeous, but it's not going to get me back."

If this were the Truth Is... blog, this story would be followed up with these wise words: Whiners aren't winners.

Sipping from the Stream of Consciousness

 

So I'm sitting here trying to think of some content to create in order to get a few weeks ahead in terms of posting in this space.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "So I'm sitting her trying to think..."

And I edited THAT sentence to add the bold italic formatting for the word "her".

Still don't know if that last period there should be inside or outside the closing quotation marks.

Had to back up and edit that sentence because I originally typed "don't know if that past period there..."

But I remembered to stop and start the bold italic formatting WHILE I was typing this time.

Cool.

So...what to write...or type...

I wonder what my blood type is. Pretty sure Beloved remembers, though I can't imagine why she does. 

Speaking of Beloved, when I got home from my Saturday morning shift at FastStop last weekend, she had already mowed the front AND back yards.

What a gal!

White Christmas: ♪♫ Mandy! What a gal!  ♪♫

Now THAT'S who should have starred as Barbie, right there!

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. III

 

In The Wizard of Oz (1939), when the Tinman is singing "If I Only Had a Heart," there is one line sung by a female: "Wherefore art thou, Romeo?" (Remember?) The actress who sang that line is the same one who voiced Snow White in Disney's Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs (1937).

For a few years in the early 2000s, 7-Up made a beverage called "dnL" that was like the opposite of 7-Up. Instead of being a clear, caffeine-free beverage sold in a green bottle, it was a green, caffeinated beverage sold in a clear bottle. It looked and tasted a lot like Surge. (I miss it.)

Tom Selleck was originally cast as Indiana Jones but couldn't take the part because of his commitment to being Magnum PI.

The word for that icky feeling as if bugs are crawling on you is formication.

Mel Brooks has one line in his movie, Young Frankenstein. The sound of a screaming cat: "Mrow!"

Barry Manilow had a big hit with I Write the Songs. However, he did not write that song.

Painkillers don't work very well on people with red hair.

Freddie Highmore almost didn't get cast in The Good Doctor. The Powers That Be said they were looking for someone around 25. Highmore's truthful reply: "I AM 25!"

Nuthin' Butta G String

 

We have arrived at number 419 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time...Dr Dre's "Nothin But a G Thang"...and I am at a loss.

Not only have I never heard it, but when I looked up the lyric I was embarrassed to read it.

So I punted. I went to ChatGPT for help.

This is the instruction I gave: Using no words normally considered vulgar, write a humorous parody of "Nuthin but a G Thang" titled "Nuthin but a G String".

And this, you lucky reader, is what it delivered. (I seriously should just give up this whole humor blog gig and let the machines take over.)

(Verse 1)

Just me and my tiny string,

Loungin' by the pool, doin' my thing.

Rockin' that itty-bitty bikini,

Ain't no fabric here, just pure genie.

Chillin' like a popsicle, so bold,

Got sunscreen on, I'm in control.

My tan lines, they're gonna be weird,

But who cares? I'm the beachfront pioneer.

(Chorus)

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,

Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.

Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,

With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

(Verse 2)

Got my shades on, I'm feelin' fly,

Passin' by, heads turn as I stroll by.

Sand in places where it shouldn't be,

But fashion's pain, can't you see?

Wave crashes, water's cool,

Rockin' this G string, I break the pool's rules.

My dance moves might be quite risqué,

But I'm ownin' it, in my own way.

(Chorus)

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,

Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.

Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,

With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

(Bridge)

Gonna pose for selfies, make 'em stare,

G string life, without a care.

Takin' on the world, one step at a time,

In my itsy-bitsy fashion, I'm in my prime.

(Verse 3)

Sun's settin' low, day's almost done,

Gotta admit, this was quite fun.

No judgment here, just good vibes,

In my G string, my spirit thrives.

A parody of life, a comedy scene,

In this small string, I'm feelin' queen.

So let's embrace the absurdity,

In my G string world, I'm livin' free.

(Chorus)

It's nuthin' but a G string, baby,

Livin' life like I'm a beachside lady.

Soak up the sun, feel the breeze,

With my mini swimsuit, I aim to please.

(Outro)

Nuthin' but a G string, that's the tale,

Laugh with me, let's set sail.

In this world of fashion so zany,

I'll be rockin' my G string, forever crazy.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

The matrix just may be real, man.

Almost the News XXVII

 

Flooey Lewis & the NotNews

Student Debt Ruling Likely Within Days
It probably won't be long before student debt is in charge of everything.

India Offers Its Tech for the Masses
This is a surprising development in a country where only 2.3% of the population is Christian.

Spurs Open Arms Wide for Wemby
[Editor's Note: This kind of graphic, cowboy-themed self-mutilation shouldn't even be IN the newspaper.]

Anoka Co. City Seeks Mayoral Candidates
Spokesperson for the League of Women Voters, Sheila Votah, exclaimed, "We were just getting ready for the debate, looked around, and they were gone!"

Dodgers Rout Rangers With Five Homers
A recent race between Ram lovers and Ford aficionados came out in favor of the Dodge owners: Homer Bailey, Homer Laughlin, Homer Highwater, Homer Randolph, and Homer Simpson.

Bus Snarls to Keep Louisville Schools Closed
In a press release, school superintendent Siddown N. B. Kwyatt says, "I had no idea a bus could even make that kind of sound."

Rural Community Needs a Savior for Their Church
Um...isn't that what Jesus is for?

Observed Absurdities™ 62 - How Much Is a Slap on the Wrist Worth?

 

Beloved and I were shuffling through the security checkpoint line at the airport. (Not that we were preparing to deal cards to anyone, but it helped to pass the time.)

One of the informational signs posted along our journey caught my attention:

I understand the need to financially punish anyone attempting to smuggle a firearm onto a commercial flight. They need to be taught a lesson about the delicate balance between public safety and the right to arm bears.

But I've got a question: Why $14, 950? Did the TSA think, "Well, the fine has to be substantial enough to sting, but $15,000 just seems a bit of an overreach, don't you think?"

As if Kohls can trick me into thinking a shirt that costs $29.95 is a buck cheaper than one that costs $30.

Admission of Guilt: The 420th Greatest Song of All Time

 

"In 1969, the Isleys fled Motown and revived their own T-Neck Records, where they unleashed the free-will funk of "It's Your Thing." It became their biggest hit and earned a lawsuit from Berry Gordy, who claimed he owned the song." (Rolling Stone, 9 Dec 2004)

That's all Rolling Stone magazine had to say about the 420th greatest song of all time.

What they didn't say is that the lawsuit lasted 18 years.

All I'VE got to say is that, with a title like "It's Your Thing," maybe The Isley Brothers were admitting that Mr. Gordy was correct.

Failed Bank Robbery Emphasizes Marital Conflict of Interests

 

Prologue
Whenever Beloved and I visit a new location, we are immediately set at odds with each other.

I'm the kind of person who likes to stop and read the little informational signs and descriptive text put up by museums and chambers of commerce and restroom attendants. Beloved, on the other hand, prefers to comment on a location's visual beauty or lack thereof and move on.

Why My Way Is Better
While visiting Beloved's brother in Wyoming, we took a day trip to Red Lodge, Montana...home of several gift shops, geode dispensaries, and jerky emporiums. We were strolling down the sidewalk when I noticed an iron plaque attached to a building's cornerstone. Beloved walked into the store while I, of course, stopped to read the plaque:

"FOILED BANK ROBBERY SITE: On Sept. 18, 1887, the Sundance Kid (Harry Longbaugh), Kid Curry and others of the 'Wild Bunch' rode into Red Lodge after escaping from jail in Belle Fourche, S.D., and announced their intention of making an unauthorized withdrawal from the Carbon County Bank. They botched the job and Sheriff John Dunn rode off in hot pursuit. After an 80-mile chase, he and his posse captured them near Lavina. The robbers were returned to the Deadwood, S.D. jail, where they again escaped."

Now you see? If I hadn't stopped and read that, I never would have had a giggle at the expense of 19th Century jailors, and I never would have known that Red Lodge's claim to fame was an unproductive visit from the Sundance Kid.

It made me feel instantly connected to Robert Redford.

And even more importantly, if I hadn't taken a picture of the plaque, I wouldn't have anything to blog about today and you would be looking at a blank webpage.

Oh, the agony!

Observed Absurdities™ 61 - Driving While Selfish

 

While exchanging empty trash bags for full ones as part of my part-time work at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium called FastStop, I witnessed a prime example of man's inhumanity to man...perpetrated in the name of MeFirst/Gimme-Gimme/I-Me-Me-Mine.

The attached photo is roughly equivalent to the POV of the driver I will refer to as KingBufordTheFirst.

When KingBufordTheFirst was done putting gas in his car, he apparently saw the driver in the gold car (PopeInnocentTheSeventh) put his car in reverse, accompanied by the appropriate lighting of the aptly-named backup lights. I say it was apparent KingBufordTheFirst saw this because he promptly honked his car's horn to let PopeInnocentTheSeventh know that he was pulling out so His Eminence better just watch out.

The reason I label this an absurdity: PopeInnocentTheSeventh's backup lights were for the purpose of warning KingBufordTheFirst to watch out for the immediate backward movement of the gold car. Buford should have put his car in park and waited...instead of putting his foot on the gas and charging full speed ahead.

I find this particularly frustrating when I'm attempting to back out of a parking space and I'm flanked by other parked cars and can't see if anything is coming until I'm three-quarters of the way out into the lane. Cars driving down the row can obviously see my backup lights and my careful movement into the path of parking lot cruisers, but instead of braking and letting me safely get out of the parking spot, nine times out of ten, KingBuford or one of his kin will put the pedal to the metal to save the 10 seconds it would have taken for me to get out of their way.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And you're right: none of this is really funny at all.

Oh the Woes of a Part-Time Worker: The 421st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Billy Joel's "Piano Man" truly is a great song...even though Joel says, "I have no idea why that song became so popular. It's like a karaoke favorite. The melody is not very good and very repetitious, while the lyrics are like limericks. I was shocked and embarrassed when it became a hit."

Poor Billy...dragging himself in shock and embarrassment all the way to the bank.

Makes me wonder how shocked and embarrassed I might become if I recorded a FastStop rewrite...

It's seven a.m. on a Saturday
The regular crowd shuffles in
There's an old man at the coffee bar
Choosing whether to swear or just grin

He says, "Son can you find me the creamers
I'm not really sure where they are
But my woman has said
That without them I'm dead
And she's waiting out there in the car."

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

Now John at the counter's a friend of mine
He always does the outside trash
But it's such a joke; he goes out there to smoke
And to pocket folks' leftover cash

He says, "Dewey, I think this is killing me."
(And he doesn't mean his cigarette)
"Each person I meet smells like infected feet
And I'm growing a credit card debt."

Now Paul's a retired machinist
Who always gets diet root beer
And he's making me weary, with his conspiracy theory
And telling me what I should fear

And gas pump 13 isn't working
According to mad Mr. Deed
"Yes they're turned on, but you're doing it wrong
How can you drive but not read?"

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye

There's always a crowd on a Saturday
And we're always a co-worker short
The truck's comin' in, we're as busy as sin
And our manager's held up in court

And the register sounds like a carnival
And the freezer smells like it's broke down
And the people all day using hundreds to pay
For a two-fifty bill make me frown

Sell us some gas you're the FastStop man
Sell us some gas tonight
It's plain to see we've got places to be
Don't need a receipt, so goodbye