Friday, June 23, 2017

My iPhone Made Me Say This


You know how when you're typing a text or a tweet or whatever and your phone will give you two or three suggestions as to what it thinks you are attempting to type?

Yeah, well, I started taking my phone's suggestions and ended up with a series of seriously unserious tweets.



Behold:


  • The best way for a great game to start is at your house.
  • The only way I could find my favorite song is to be a little kid or a complete idiot.
  • The best way for a great app to keep your business info from Facebook is to be able to email you with your own info.
  • I'm pretty sure my mom is the only person who can make me feel better.
  • I'm not surprised to hear that the new version of Facebook has a better way to get a new iPhone.
  • The best thing about this is how much more time I can make for my life.
  • The only way I could be with my family and my favorite thing is when we are all together.
  • I'm sure that you are not surprised at all the times I am not surprised.
  • I'm pretty much just a guy who can make a difference.
  • The best thing about being home alone was the fact that I was able to find the right time to read.
  • I think there's no point to this.
[Note: If you aren't yet following me on Twitter, now's the time to get it together with @deweyroth.]

Friday, June 16, 2017

A Question For The Ages


I've been keeping a journal, with off-again/on-again irregularity, for what is commonly referred to as A Long Time.

Generally speaking, my journals are full of milestones of my personal history, musings on then-current controversies, conflicts, or convolutions, and memos of my hopes and dreams.

Not surprising, then, is the following note from Sunday, January 5, 1992, as I was preparing to leave for a week at the National Youth Leaders Convention: "I'm really looking forward to the week with Rick et al. We will laugh, and hear some things to get excited about, and disagree with, and grow from, and be challenged by. Lord, I'm willing to hear anything you want to tell me."

Obviously, my expectations were high. I was going to experience the week with a group of guys that I had a glorious history with...the kind of friends where time elapsed between face-to-face fellowship has no effect. God had bonded us with a strong sense of love and respect.



And then, on Monday, January 6, 1992, I haul off and write THIS:


"Nine hour trip from Indy to Joplin, MO with Rick S, Mike D, Troy M, Todd W, Nate P, Dan H, etc. Why is farting so funny?"

Precious memories.

Friday, June 9, 2017

38 Years Later


June 9, 1979...People were packed to the rafters. (#TrueTruth: The small-town church building we got married in had a two- or three-row balcony along two sides of the sanctuary which was full, along with the stairs leading up to it.)

The day was HOT, the building had no air conditioning, and the windows were wide open - begging for some sort of breeze to find its way inside.

It was an uncomfortable day for a wedding, but it was apparently a perfect day to ride a motorcycle.

Around the block the church was on.

Over and over.

The audio of the wedding sounds something like this:

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the BRAAAAAP VROOM-VROOoom! not to be entered into lightly. Marriage has been ordained by God as the brrrrAAAAAP VROOM SPUT! SPUT! this woman to be married to this man?

I'm thinking...if I ever wanted out, there's no real proof that the vows ever got vowed.

(Never gonna happen, Beloved. Happy 38th Anniversary!)




Friday, June 2, 2017

Amazing Bacon Proclamation


Parade magazine tried to hide the true truth I'm about to reveal, but I will not be silenced!

In this past weekend's edition of Parade, several regional hamburgers were featured as a welcome-to-summer kind of thing. One of the creative creations was The Vermonster, from the Boston Burger Company: "a delicious mash-up of a bacon cheeseburger and a classic Yankee apple pie".


Not gonna lie...the idea of an apple pie on a bacon cheeseburger doesn't even begin to sound appealing to me, but that's not the issue I have with this. The problem was this statement within the description:

The Vermonster's secret is searing the burger and the bun in bacon drippings.

Bacon drippings? Who are they trying to kid?

They are FRYING the burger and bun in bacon GREASE...the melted fat from the slabs of processed fat that are adorning the sandwich and also hardening the arteries of everyone eating this heart-stopper.

Bacon drippings...how precious...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

You know, the more I talk about this...the better it sounds.

Friday, May 26, 2017

Tip of the Slongue


Even though I AM accustomed to public speaking, every so often things go...as FlatulenceKing used to say...catty-wumpus.


  • I never watch TV anymore. I just net dooflix.
  • That's so sad! Your story hates my bark!
  • You'll like this ice cream. It's got chocs of chunkolate.
  • I hate when stuff like hat thappens.
  • ♫ Lonely days are gone. I'mma goin' home. My baby just lent me a rotor.
  • Do you remember when it used to feel special to order a peeperoni petza?

ADDED ENTERTAINMENT VALUE: Only one of the above verbal mistakes actually happened. Can you guess which one?

Friday, May 19, 2017

I Shouldn't Have Tried This At Home


If you've been paying attention, you will know that I am...shall we say...follicly challenged.

Oh, I've still got plenty of hair...it's just that it's mostly in my ears and on my back.

That being said, you can hardly blame me for getting particularly interested in this bottle that I found in our shower.



There are two reasons this product caught my attention, and you should be able to see them a little better in the following close-up.



I was: 1)  intrigued by the inclusion of pomegranate, and 2) elated at the possibility of having visibly fuller, thicker, bigger hair with a plush softness.

HOWEVER...

I tried this product, as faithfully as Mother Teresa and Billy Graham, for over three months and have seen absolutely ZERO positive effect on my hair's fullness, thickness, bigness, or plushosity.

Besides...it doesn't taste a THING like pomegranate.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Almost Luving Teknowledgee


The following cartoons are not created by me, but let's not call it stealing. Think of it more as right-priced entertainment allocation. I'm merely utilizing available technology to fill the current void in my personal creativity supply. Technology really is a wonderful thing, except...

...when it encourages us to shirk responsibilities.

...when it destroys our attention span.

...when we have better relationships with social media than with actual...you know...human beings.

...when our phones are smarter than we are.

...when we become overly dependent on GPS.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Almost 24/7


Today: A mini rant and a curiosity.

First of all, it activates my CDO (which is similar to OCD, but IN THE CORRECT ORDER) whenever I hear or see someone or some business referring to the unending nature of something (for example, "I hear this buzzing in my ear..." or "we are open...") as being "24/7/365".

It's not that I don't understand what they're saying. I get it. "24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year." Fine. Understood. It's just that it's at least overkill and at most a frustrating bait and switch.

"24 hours a day" is all that's really needed. I mean, that really does cover it, doesn't it? Is there any additional time slot that is outside that parameter? "We're open 24 hours a day. Oh! And by the way, we are ALSO open on Saturdays...well...I guess that's part of 24 hours a day, isn't it...uh...hmmmm."

But the other thing that grinds my gears is how the 3-part expression sets up a progression that it fails to deliver on.

24 hours a day...7 days a week...the next phrase ought to be "52 weeks a year", oughtn't it?

Augh! It's like a gnat flying around just outside my peripheral vision, taunting me.


Second of all, and slightly related, I drove by a billboard recently that just made me wonder a bit.

It was a sign outside a large truck stop that also offered repair work for the big eighteen-wheelers. They were bragging about the availability of their mechanics by saying "We have techs on site 24/7...Monday-Friday.

Uhhhh...wouldn't that be 24/5, then?

Friday, April 28, 2017

#NoFilter at FastStop


Have I mentioned before that I stopped working part-time at Jesus Inc. and started getting paid three more dollars an hour at my local FastStop convenience store/gas station/cigarette emporium?

With my current full-time employment, I wouldn't have to keep working part-time, but in an effort to pay off some credit card debt that built up slightly during The Year Of Unemployment, I keep plugging away a few hours a week. Besides, it can be a source of frivolity worthy of posting for your amusement.

For example...

Things were fairly busy the last time I was working the register. A woman walked up and asked, "Are you available?"

My immediate response, of course, was, "I'm very flattered, but no. I am happily married."

Laughter ensued. Numbers were exchanged...just in case things went south.


A second incident of the marriage of my quick tongue and lack of a filter could have resulted in a harassment lawsuit, but luckily, my female coworker recognizes humor and stupidity when she sees it.

Here's what I'm talking about...

FastStop is on the cusp of its biannual inspection, so last week we were all pitching in to do a deep cleaning of every nook and cranny of the store. My female coworker had just finished wiping down a metal mesh candy-holding display shelf and was hanging it back on the wall next to my register.

Without forethought or evil intent, my mouth opened and out came two simple words: "Nice rack."

I'm so glad that instead of slapping me, she laughed and said, "Thank you!"

Friday, April 21, 2017

#FatBeatles


Getting AHEAD of the social media wave on this one (because I've not seen any FatBeatles hashtag).

Correction: while doing some actual research on the subject, I see there WERE a few tweets with this hashtag in 2015 and early 2016.

So.

Once again, I am on the back side of a minor trend, but that's far better than being on a minor trend's backside.

What songs would John, Paul, George, and Richard have recorded if they were on the...um...hefty end of the continuum?



  • All My Oven
  • All You Knead Is Dough
  • Baby, You Can Drive My Car to McDonald's
  • Blackbird (Under Glass)
  • Can't Buy Me Non-stretch Pants
  • Carry That Weight (Around Your Hips)
  • The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill's Never-ending BBQ Buffet
  • Eight Shakes a Week
  • Full on the Hill
  • Get Baby Back Ribs
  • Getting Butter
  • Got to Get Guac Into My Life
  • Happiness Is a Warm Bun
  • I Want to Hold Your Ham Sandwich
  • I'm Down (To 265)
  • Lady Fingers Madonna
  • Love Me Mountain Dew
  • Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Sandwich
  • She Came In Through the Drive-thru Window
  • Strawberry Pies Forever
  • When I'm Two Hundred Sixty-Four
  • With a Little Hellman's from My Friends
  • You've Got to Hide Your Snacks Away


Friday, April 14, 2017

In My Beginning


I was born at about the same time as Rock-n-Roll...but without the African influences.

I'm told that, at a few ounces over eight pounds, my delivery was difficult enough to make my mom glad that I was the fourth and final child. (Little did she know that ten-and-a-half years later I would lose my claim to the "Final Child" title.)

For the first four-and-a-half years of my life, we lived on a little farm on the north side of the county line road, in a house with a wrap-around porch and linoleum floors. There was a barn with some dairy cows, a couple other outbuildings, and a nearby creek from which to fish with a length of string and a bent paper clip. (Never caught anything except a stern talking to for standing on the bridge while a tractor drove over it.)

Because I was 4 years, 5 months old when we moved from there, I don't have a lot of memories of "the house on the county line road," but there was one incident that was planted in my brain and still remains.

Having begun its multi-year run of annual television screenings in 1956, The Wizard of Oz was still a fairly new TV event. My dad, FlatulenceKing, was sitting in an over-stuffed chair, directly in front of the television, eating popcorn and watching Dorothy and friends wend their way down the yellow brick road.

I'm assuming my three older siblings were in the room, but all I actually remember is coming up behind my dad and the TV screen gradually becoming visible...you know, like all those shots in the movies when the camera moves closer to a cliff until you can finally see Los Angeles laid out before you in all its twinkling splendor.

What I saw on that screen was not a beautiful landscape of nature and electric lights, but the Wicked Witch of the West standing on the roof of a cabin, throwing a fireball at the Scarecrow.



I never got to my bedroom faster, either before or since...and that was even while needing to step around the small puddle at my feet.

I'd like to say that's the reason I avoided green vegetables for twenty years, but our TV was black and white.

(To hear the author reading this post, go to SoundCloud by clicking here.)

Friday, April 7, 2017

Whoopsy Daisies


Here I sits
No thoughts a-stirrin'
The early-afternoon-nearly-a-nap jerking my head upright
Calling it quits
My eyesight blurrin'
Wondering why my bedtime routine doesn't start earlier at night

Glasses off
My eyes a-rubbin'
And knowing this attempt at a blogpost needs to turn funny soon
Nervous cough
Desire to go clubbin'
And just start this thing over tomorrow; maybe 'round noon

Leaning back
Fingers all a-laced
Staring at my laptop; the Dell, not my legs, of course
Head goes crack
Hits the floor apace
Staring at the ceiling; calling for help till my throat gets hoarse


Friday, March 31, 2017

Almost Hotel California


Went to see former youth group member, Doug Toddless, sing at a local restaurant the other night. We talked to him before he started and found out he was suffering from a cold and a raspy throat. Amazingly, though, when he started singing, you couldn't tell at all...though Beloved and I did notice that he chose to sing a lot of lower-register songs like Elvis, Johnny Cash, and Barry White.

Between sets, I told him if anybody requested Hotel California ("Augh!" he coughed. "No way!") that I would be there to take care of the vocals for him.



Four songs into his second set, I got my chance. Problem is, I figured he would have the words to the song on the iPad he kept looking at and scrolling through. Turns out he was just keeping track of his March Madness bracket, and I was on my own to try to remember all the words.

This was my best effort...

On the dark info highway, You Tube makes me stare
Warm smell of my hard drive, data streams through the air
Up ahead on my monitor, I saw a glowing blue light
My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim
I hadn't eaten all night.
There it was on my browser; an ad for Taco Bell
And I was thinking to myself,
"I could do worse; guess I might as well"
So I searched for a coupon, 'cause I just roll that way
There were voices in my brand new earbuds
I thought I heard them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
Plenty of info that Google can inform ya
What you did last year (What you did last year)
You can find it here

Your mind is def'nitely twisted, both the means and the ends
You're just one of the pretty, pretty boys following trends
How they rate in the rankings, how their tags get them clicks.
Some are dancin' with the stars, some are glued to Netflix
So I called out through Twitter,
"Check out my hashtag"
They said, "We haven't been trending that since your eyes began to sag"
And still solicitors calling from far away,
Wake you up in the middle of the night
Just to hear them say...

Welcome to where Google can inform ya
You think it's a private place? (Such a private place)
Just search for your face
They livin' it up here where Google can inform ya
They get their revenue (get their revenue)
From ads they show you

Mirrors for your ceiling,
The pink champagne on ice
And I said "We are all consumers here, hey, that sure looks nice"
Got a full shopping basket,
Got some food for a feast
Got me three sets of ginsu knives,
Got 50% off, at least

Last thing I remember, I was
Told that I was poor
I had to find a way to cure
My depressing credit score
"Relax, " said the hacker,
"I can fake all the facts.
You can purchase anything you like,
Hey, babe, I got your back! "

Friday, March 24, 2017

Stupid Stories™: Alligator Shoes


When I was in my twenties (back when the Earth's crust was still cooling), I lived in Florida and worked at a shoe store, and I'll never forget one particular customer.

She was fairly good looking, which is an excellent memory aid all by itself, but the real reason she sticks in my head is because of how strongly she reacted when I told her how much the alligator shoes she was wanting would cost.

"HOW much?!!?" she screamed.

I repeated my clear, distinct reading of the price tag.

"That's ridiculous! Can't you give me some kind of discount? Isn't there a 'buy one shoe, get the second one free' thing going on?"

As calmly as possible, I replied, "I'm sorry, but no. That's the price I have to charge for those shoes."

She loudly announced that she would get her OWN pair of alligator shoes, spun around, and left in a huff. (It was a late model Huff; had a dark cherry red finish with a spoiler on the rear.)



My route home ran along a levee, and as I was enjoying the view to my right, I noticed the cranky customer, standing knee-deep in swamp water, holding a shotgun.

"Good NIGHT!" I thought, "She's really trying to get alligator shoes do-it-yourself style!"

Well, I just HAD to see this, so I pulled over to the side of the road, got out, leaned against my car's fender, and watched.

It wasn't long before I noticed a large alligator slowly swimming toward her from behind. I was about to warn her when she spun around, snapped the gun to her shoulder, and blasted the amphibian right between its eyes.

She waded over to the dead gator and pulled it to shore, where she huffed and puffed and grunted and strained to get it out of the water. Then she dragged it over to where, I just noticed, there were three or four other alligators, all belly-up in the grass.

She got down on her knees and shoved the beast onto its back, took one look at it, raised her face to the sky and screamed, "You've gotta be kidding me! THIS one is barefoot, too!"

Friday, March 17, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 28 - He's Got a Point There


Now that I've noticed how Stephen Colbert has kind of a Spock thing going on with his right ear, I can't not see it. 






Friday, March 10, 2017

This Is Keeping Me Awake


I may be opening a can of large, unwieldy worms here...

I do not want this space to become politicized or militarized or pasteurized, but I've got an honest question about an extremely controversial, sensitive, potentially-explosive issue.

I am not joking.

What with all the gender-fluid, "I don't agree with my birth certificate", love-is-love-no-matter-what, stop-being-a-neanderthal stuph going around, I am absolutely and honestly confused about something.

What if someone identifies as the gender opposite to what his/her genitals would indicate AND is homosexual?



Friday, March 3, 2017

Pardon My Tweet


One never knows what one will see tweeted by @deweyroth, does one?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Actually drove in to the office today...not 2B confused with driving into the office.

My #Subway sandwich artist didn't know what the B in BLT stands for. #justsaying

#newchristmascarols He sees U when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake/He ought 2B arrested/Just like my Uncle Jake

Trying to care about my #twitterfeed ... still trying ... Nope! Can't do it

The only thing missing is U, #StarTribune proofreader. Ack!


“@UberFacts: There are cryovolcanos which spew molten ice like volcanos do molten rock, on Pluto.” Isn't molten ice just...you know...water?

#ForeverIsALongTime #Duh



#FullDisclosure The only thing that kept me awake in church 2day was the pain in my thighs from Saturday yard work.


Friday, February 24, 2017

Friday, February 17, 2017

Harry Potter and the Hard Day's Night


It was just another episode of #TuesdayTrivia at the Almost the TruthTM:Publishing Facebook page. The question: On November 9, 1967, who became the first artist to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone magazine? (Initial hint: He WASN'T a member of The Rolling Stones)

The answer came quickly, from one Stephanie NotZimbalist. She wrote "John Lennon?"

In spite of her tentativeness, she was correct and was awarded a VirtualPrize ("No actual prizes are harmed in the playing of #TheMorningGames") of "a pair of round spectacles." (See what I did there? Lennon is well-known for wearing round eyeglasses, so that became the...yeah, you got it.)

It was then that things began to go catty-whumpus...

Inspired by her inhuman level of Pottermania, Stephanie responded to the announcement of her prize with the words "and a lightning bolt scar?" Which got me contemplating the Beatles/Harry Potter mash-up suggested by the above title, which eventually led to the question "What if the Beatles were contracted to create a 'Music Inspired by Harry Potter' album?", which led to the following song list, created by yours truly and the spousal team of Stephanie NotZimbalist and NotPaul Newman. (Stephanie and Matt Newman...SHOUT OUT!)




  • I Am the Horcrux
  • I Saw Hermione Standing There (But Then She Threw On a Cloak of Invisibility)
  • All You Need Is Amortentia
  • Mean Mr. Voldemort  -  "Such a mean old death-eater!"
  • Here Comes the Stun
  • Dumbledore on the Hill
  • Privet Drive  -  "Privet Drive, a wizard stirs another potion pot; a pretty witch is selling butter beer from a tray"
  • Quidditch Pitches Forever
  • I Want to Hold Your Wand
  • Eleanor Weasley
  • While My Hippogriff Gently Weeps

Friday, February 10, 2017

Acronyms Create Laughing Undertakers (ACLU)


One of the sandwich artists at my local Breadway Sandwich Shoppe recently gave me a chuckle when he had to ask what the "B" in BLT stood for.

But then I realized that I have been ordering the Italian BMT for years without knowing whether BMT stood for "Best Meat Today" or "Buy More Tacos".

At which point, as long-time readers might expect, my mind went on a free-association trip into the Twilight Zone...



  • FBI  -  Find Bullies Immediately
  • CIA  -  Can't Initiate Amore
  • YMCA  -  Your Mother Caresses Apes
  • SOB - Somewhat Obnoxious Brit
  • CPR - Canadian People Rock
  • PTA - Parents Terrorizing Academics
  • MRI - Men R Ignorant
  • ETA - Eternal Teenage Angst
  • FYI - Forget Youthful Inpetuousness
  • ATM - Access The Money
  • ETC - Expect Total Chaos
  • CBS - Cranky Bald Sissies
  • ABC - After Better Choices
  • NBC - Nice Big Checks
  • CNN - Cause Nobody's Nice
  • TLC - Talking Laughing Chewing
  • FML - Find More Licorice
  • LOL - Large Old Loser
  • HMO - Hundreds of Morticians Overjoyed
  • SMH - Sharting My Hanes



Friday, February 3, 2017

Cloud by Day, Fire by Night


It started out with good intentions, but we all know where that road leads.

A significant portion of the local church I call home became discontent with how the current culture, for all practical purposes, ignores God. They wished God would step up to the plate and overwhelmingly prove His existence and superiority to the self-focused rabble.

"I mean, think about the Israelites in the desert. The surrounding nations KNEW there was something special going on because they could see the cloud during the day and the pillar of fire at night. I wish God would show up like that. I wish the community could SEE how powerful and awesome God is!"

At which point, somebody made the observation that you could pray as often as you wish.

And so, the CDFN (Cloud by Day, Fire by Night) Prayer Vigil was begun. A schedule was worked out so that there was someone praying in the church building three evenings a week while the rest of us waited with hope in our hearts.

It only took seven evenings of prayer before God answered those prayers with a resounding "Yes!"

Grandma Helen (who is nobody's actual grandmother, but who has taught second grade Sunday School since Flan-O-Graph was a cutting edge technology) was taking her shift in the CDFN Prayer Chapel when she noticed a bright orange light through the window. It took her a while to hobble over to the window, and by the time she got there, she could hear the sirens and see the flashing lights of several fire trucks as they raced toward the church building.

It was then that she peeked skyward and saw a large...you guessed it...pillar of fire.

Apparently, some neighbors had seen the flames appear and quickly dialed 911. What they didn't realize was that the flames were not actually coming from the building, but floating several yards above it. This did not, however, escape the notice of the firefighting professionals who were now gathered in the parking lot, gazing with mouths agape.



A few seconds later, the Fire Chief arrived: "What are you doing standing around with your mouths hanging open?!!? Let's go! Get those hoses hooked up!"

That's all it took for the rank and file to snap into muscle memory mode. In less than a minute, they were directing a powerful stream of water toward the base of the fire...which resulted in some over-watering of the community garden plot on the far side of the church building.

They shot water at that holy fire all through the night until, as the sun came over the horizon, the flames were replaced by a low-lying cloud...or, as the firefighting professionals called it, residual smoke and steam. With no damage to the building, they congratulated themselves, rolled up their hoses, and left to go feed their dalmatians.

Of course, the whole scene repeated itself at sundown.


*  *  *  *  *  *  *

It's been 6 months now, and the church staff has been terribly busy, what with all the court cases. We are being sued by our neighbors with solar panels because the daily cloud is rendering said solar panels useless. Other neighbors have filed a class action suit, demanding we pay damages for their lost sleep, extensive air conditioning usage, and lowered property value because of the nightly fire. Even the fire department is getting in on the action. They are insisting we pay their exponentially-increased water bill.

And the moral of the story, boys and girls, is to be careful what you pray for.

Friday, January 27, 2017

Change a Word; Ruin a TV Series


These are ALMOST television classics...

  • Game of Tomes  -  An epic tale of deceit, murder, and mayhem, while one family after another fights for the keys to the local library
  • Bar Trek  -  Their mission, to boldly go where no one has been drunk before
  • Fiends  -  A group of people who are really mean to each other drink a lot of coffee
  • Steinfelt  -  A stand-up comedian in New York City chooses the wrong material from which to fashion a mug for his beer
  • M*E*S*H  -  The merry mix-ups that occur in a stockings factory
  • The Pig Bang Theory  -  Supplying weapons to swine is never a good idea



  • Steers  -  There's a ranch a-way out west where everybody knows your name
  • Handy Griffith  -  Southern sheriff gets arrested on molestation charges
  • Saturday Afternoon Live  -  Live feeds from across America of people mowing their lawns, shopping, and taking naps.
  • 44 Minutes  -  All that's left of an hour after the commercials
  • dirtysomething  -  Drama about baby boomers working in a laundry
  • Buffy the Spider Slayer  - Teen queen exterminator
  • Stall in the Family  -  A rest room attendant wishes his meathead son-in-law would take over the family business


Friday, January 13, 2017

Just Wondering


While working on last week's homonym-laden list of New Year's resolutions, I started getting curious about several things:


  • Is the son of a tailor called an alter boy?
  • If you eat minnows, will you get baited breath?
  • When you get evicted from a concert, should you say "I'm with the banned"?
  • If you kidnap a girl and her boyfriend, is that called tying things up with a beau?



  • How long does a mane need to be in order to make a donkey braid?
  • If a baseball batter became a baker, would he make bunt cake?
  • In a vegetable rock band, would a beet be the drummer?
  • If I needed to sleep on a train, would you be willing to give berth?
  • Is a tornado's favorite color blew?
  • How many rent-payers standing along the edge of our country would it take to make a boarder border?
  • If someone prays to Jesus while trying to get water out of a boat, is that a Christian bail?

Friday, January 6, 2017

Resolutions Too Live Buy


This year, I solemnly resolve to:

  • Take purposeful steps to lower my wait
  • Bless my guitar-playing lumberjack friends with a random ax of kindness
  • Cache more cash
  • Avoid ail
  • Enjoy more fresh heir
  • Ade thirsty people



  • Joyfully sing allowed
  • Be a better bettor
  • Increase the size of my salads by a mega-bite
  • Be less bored of directors
  • Add more items to my collection of pleasing cents
  • Take a chance at righting some chants
  • Spend more time being awed by things that are odd