Friday, December 29, 2017

Hopeful for These Headlines in 2018


I am not a prophet, nor the son of a prophet. I barely even MAKE a profit, but I certainly do hope to see these headlines in a news source near you some time in the coming calendar year.

  • Paul & Ringo Tour with Sons of John & George as Beatles 2.0
  • Evangelicals No Longer Considered a Representation of Christianity
  • Fred Basset Stops Publishing and Apologizes for All the Wasted Ink
  • President Donald Trump Revealed as Long-Thought-Dead Performance Artist Andy Kaufman


  • Skyline Chili Opens Franchise in Southern Suburbs of Twin Cities
  • Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks on Best Sellers List
  • Oscars Telecast Presents Opening Number, In Memoriam Feature, and Signs Off
  • People Stop Using "Would Of" When They Mean "Would Have/Would've"
  • State Lawmakers Miraculously Remember That Tax Dollars Don't Belong to Them and Return Surplus to Citizens
  • Hell Freezes Over


Friday, December 22, 2017

#RuinAChristmasMovie


It's...

That...

Time of year, when the world watches the same movies for the umpteenth time.



But what if some unscrupulous modifier tweaked the titles of some of those over-watched classics?

It's a Wonderful Lice  -  It's a lousy Christmas when Zuzu comes home from school with someone else's hat.

Frankie the Snowman  -  Ol' Blue Eyes is back, but some miffed mobsters want to put him on ice for good.

Rudolph the Reed-Nosed Reindeer  -  Olive, the other reindeer, laughs at poor Rudolph because he sounds like a clarinet when he breathes.

A Christmas Stork  -  The protagonist wants to buy a Red Ryder BB gun, but is called away to deliver a baby to an obscure village in the Middle East.

Homely Alone  -  An eight-year-old boy is left behind from his family's Christmas trip because he's just so darn ugly.

Alf  -  A furry, alien life form travels from the North Pole to New York City in search of its biological father and a nice CLT...cat, lettuce, and tomato sandwich; where the cat is nice and lean and the tomatoes are ripe.



The Old Gray Mare Before Christmas  -  This sleigh ride just ain't what she used to be.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vaccination  -  An unfortunate reaction to an ill-timed flu shot spoils a family's holiday celebration.

White Supremacist Christmas  -  Some jokes just write themselves.

The Molar Express  -  A Rankin/Bass production that creates a myth based on the popular song, "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth".

The Santa Claws  -  Kris Kringle refuses to submit to his annual mani/pedi.

Pie Hard  -  NYPD Detective John McClane tries to reconcile with his estranged wife by bringing dessert to her employer's Christmas party, but the dessert is stale.

How the Grinch Smelled on Christmas  -  A special 4-D immersive experience. Not for the faint of nose.

Mildly Amusing Incident on 34th Street  -  A temporary Macy's employee claims to be Howie Mandel.

A Charlie Beige Christmas  -  The Peanuts gang goes to Phoenix for the holidays.

A Christmas Carrot  -  After a series of dreams, Ebeneezer Scrooge goes vegan.


For the video version of this post, CLICK HERE.





Friday, December 15, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 34 - Frasier Crane PG-13


In terms of geological epochs, it was not so very long ago that a good deal of my time on Netflix was spent watching episodes of the 1993-2004 Kelsey Grammer-starring sitcom, Frasier.

My jaw nearly hit the floor when, somewhere mid Season 5, I finally noticed a picture hanging on Dr. Crane's fridge.



Was there any kind of hubbub about this at the time?

Friday, December 8, 2017

Suffering at Subway


[Too lazy to read this? Watch ME read it below, or by clicking HERE.]


*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I was on assignment to get a salad from Subway for Beloved. I was uncharacteristically confident, as I had successfully completed identical assignments in the past.

I know the saying is "Curiosity killed the cat," but I'm thinking maybe it should be "Confidence."

The first bump in the road was walking into Subway and finding there were five people in line already. It is at times like that when you realize Subway should NOT be listed as "fast food".

Seriously.

What with people who have NO IDEA what kind of sandwich they want...even though they've been standing in line for a half hour...and Sandwich Artists who need to hear things three times before their brain sends any messages to their hands, five people in line in front of you translates to roughly 90 minutes before you're given a chance to repeat your order three times to the pimply-faced sloth that Corporate has entrusted a knife to.



Since I had some extra time, I started perusing the menu board and noticed something I had never seen before...


"Make any 6" sub a salad: $1.75 additional"

And I'm thinking to myself, "What the farnsworth? The only difference between a six-inch sub and a Subway salad is the absence of a bun and the presence of an extra handful of lettuce. If anything, a salad should cost LESS...unless, of course, a handful of lettuce costs twice what six inches of bread does."

I whined about this on Facebook...no wait...I offered this up as a discussion topic on Facebook and one of my so-called friends suggested the upcharge was because of the extra labor involved in creating a salad. And it's true, the Sandwich Artist/Sloth (SAS) does take the time to manually chop the meat and cheese before tossing the lettuce and other pre-chopped veggies into a bowl. But does the SAS get paid more for doing it? Does Subway Corporate actually incur more expenses because of it? 

I. Think. Not.

No. We all know the real reason for charging more is BECAUSE THEY CAN. The Powers That Be have conditioned the yearning masses to think that eating healthily will naturally cost more. It goes along with the whole warped and evil idea that we must suffer in order to deserve something good.


SUFFER
SOMETHING GOOD
Pay More
Better Health
Behave Properly
Heaven
Five Months of Minnesota Winter
Two weeks of perfectly warm days and cool evenings in September

Oh...and if we're still talking about eating healthily, let's not forget that most of it tastes like a dusty cardboard box somebody found in their grandmother's attic.

Under a damp blanket from when the roof leaked.

Or was that a squirrel that leaked?


*  *  *  *  *  *  *




Friday, December 1, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. IV


The 4th and final installment. A peek into my subconscious. Remember to drop bread crumbs so you can find your way back.




A song by a band you wish were still together

A song by an artist no longer living

A song that breaks your heart

A song by an artist with a voice that you love (Beloved!)

A song that reminds you of yourself

Friday, November 24, 2017

Black Friday Blues


This may come as a shock
But back at Plymouth Rock
The Pilgrims never strolled through shopping malls
Instead of a season of giving
They scratched out a meager living
And spent their evenings cleaning oxen stalls
In praise of them paying their dues
To bargain shop, I refuse
I'll just sing the bleak, Black Friday Blues

Instead of brotherly love
Today, folks scream and shove
Because they want that "Buy One, Get One Free"
They camp all night at the store
To grab what they're lusting for
And to claim their Right to everything they can see
Yeah, they argue and kick and bruise
But not me; no, I'd rather choose
To sing the low-down, nasty, bleak Black Friday Blues

I know some folks long for the thrill
To stalk and pounce and kill
But not me; this guy will never know why
People don't stay home and chill

All the way from Key West to Nome
Folks gather at home, sweet home
Thankful for their food, family, and friends
And then, with blinding speed
Motivated by covetous greed
The sales begin and all thought of thankfulness ends
Well, by now you know my views
So this shouldn't be breaking news
I'll just sing the bleak, Black Friday Blues

I'll sing the low-down...
Nitty gritty, stuck in the city
Used to be funny, but now it's not pretty
The low-down
Nasty
Bleak Black Friday Blues





Friday, November 17, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. III


Still working my way down a list of prompts and remembering my disc jockey days with fondness.




A song that played at your wedding

A song you would sing a duet with on karaoke

A song from the year you were born

A song that makes you think about life

A favorite song with a person's name in the title (Note: Changed this to "Debbie" and sang it to Beloved in our wedding)

Friday, November 10, 2017

My Favorite Mission Trip Story


When leading a group of teenagers on a trip to a country that's well-known for its fertility gods, there are certain preparatory instructions one must relate:

  • Talking about cross-cultural sensitivity
  • Reminding the teens that respect for another country's culture doesn't necessarily mean we agree with it or think it's right
  • Begging them not to giggle and point and make a scene


As prepared as we could be, we four adults and however many teenagers flew to Montego Bay, Jamaica, schlepped our luggage through customs, piled into a small transit bus/van/tin can, and drove several hours through the Dry Harbour Mountains to Kingston.

The mood was light. We were filled with anticipation for what God had in store for us. Many animated conversations were overlapping throughout the vehicle.

While slowly making our way on the narrow, winding, mountain "road", we passed by a trailside stand that, instead of selling papaya nectar and coconuts carved to look like monkey-heads, was selling several versions of the local male fertility god, all with very prominent ...um...organs of gender.

To give our teens the credit due them, nobody went crazy or laughed or screamed. In fact, quite the opposite happened. They stopped their conversations and did their best to be mature and discreet.

The thing is...one of the adult leaders, who is short and blond and looks so much like Beloved that she is called BelovedBookend, wasn't looking out the window at the time. She was engrossed in her conversation with her seatmate, and just as the rest of the van fell silent, she loudly effused, "Cool!"

THAT'S when the vehicle windows were blown out by the force of our laughter.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. II


Spinnin' all the platters that matter from my mighty stacks of wax. Time to get down with the big sound. These are the grooves that move, baybay!




A song to drive to

A song that makes you happy

A song that makes you sad

A song you never get tired of

One of your favorite 80's songs


Friday, October 27, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 33 - Sneaky Bacon


I was sent on a grocery run by Beloved and was a bit befuddled when I tried to decide which bag of bacon bits to buy.



I can understand the brand wanting to charge the same price for 0.2 fewer ounces of product...but to have them both on the shelf at the same time??? 

Marketing Manager: You know...our customers aren't very bright. They probably won't even notice.

Somehow, it reminds me of Professor Marvel crying out, "Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"




Friday, October 20, 2017

Name a Song That...Vol. I


Three things have led to this particular post:

     1.  I ran into a list of prompts calling for songs that meet different criteria.
     2.  I was a little short on ideas for what to post this week.
     3.  I used to be a disc jockey (the radio kind, not the dance club variety) and this seemed like a way to relive the glory days of working at a little, independent, local radio station in Decatur, Indiana, and being able to pick out whatever I wanted to play and actually putting a record on a turntable and placing a needle in the groove with a satisfying ka-chunk...instead of the flavorless life lived by today's cookie-cutter promo-readers who push a computerized button to spew out whatever dreck the Corporate Suits have engineered to force down the public's collective gullet.

Did I say that out loud?




A song with a color in the title

A song with a number in the title

A song that reminds you of summertime

A song that needs to be played LOUD

A song that makes you want to dance (FAIR WARNING: Rated PG)

Friday, October 13, 2017

#ProsperityHymns


How would some of our well-known hymns be different if they were written by proponents of what is commonly referred to as the prosperity gospel? ("Name it and claim it." "Jesus wants you to be wealthy." "Riches are a sign of God's favor.")

Here's my take on that theme.



A Mighty Fortune
A mighty fortune giv'n by God; a bankroll never eh-eh-ending.

Be Thou My Nest Egg
Be Thou my nest egg, Lord, increase my worth. Bless my retirement like none else on Earth.

Tis So Sweet To Collect From Jesus
'Tis so sweet to collect from Jesus; just to get all that I want.

Just As I Name It
Just as I name it, I shall receive. All I need do is just believe.

I've Got a Mansion Just Under My Tax Shelter
I've got a mansion just under my tax shelter, in a gated community where I am secure.

The Gold Burnished Cross
I will cling to the gold, burnished cross and admire myself in its gloss.


I Come To The Cashier Alone
I come to the cashier alone, while my gift card's balance is soaring
And the things I buy reach up to the sky
And put a strain on the flo-o-ring

And...
he...
rings me up
And he bags my stuff
And he tells me how much to pay
And he smiles so hard as he swipes my card...

And tells me...
To have a...
Great day

Friday, October 6, 2017

Hallelu-WHAT THE FARNSWORTH?!!?


Leonard Cohen wrote it, Shrek made it popular, and everybody and their cousins' cousins have done their own versions of it.

People tend to sing it like a worship song. I mean..."hallelujah" literally means "praise the lord", right? (Right.) But holy guacamole, have you listened to the words?!!?



I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
Well, according to Scripture, David played for King Saul to calm him down when he was in a manic phase, but I have a little problem with capitalizing "Lord" when it's not referring to...you know...THE Lord.

But you don't really care for music, do you?
Not sure who the "you" is, but if this statement is true, they probably aren't listening to the song anyway.

It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth, the minor fall, the major lift, the baffled king composing Hallelujah
Oh, so now David is no longer the shepherd boy soothing Saul, but the singer-songwriter-ruler?

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
This is what makes everyone think this is a hymn.

Your faith was strong but you needed proof, you saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you
So King David was thinking, "I'm pretty sure the neighbor gal is smokin' hot, but I need some confirmation"?

She tied you to a kitchen chair, she broke your throne, she cut your hair, and from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Pretty sure we're talking about Samson and Delilah now, though Sam didn't have a throne, and this makes it sound like he kinda enjoyed the bondage thing...should this really be in a "worship" song??? 

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Gee...sure SOUNDS like a hymn.

Maybe I have been here before, I know this room; I have walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew you
If this IS a song of praise, then "you" would be God and this is an acknowledgement of our fallen state before coming to Him. Maybe Cohen is finally getting on track.

I've seen your flag on the marble arch, love is not a victory march, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
For God so loved the world that He left us cold and unable to praise Him properly. Wait...that doesn't sound quite right.

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with the next verse already.

There was a time you let me know what's real and going on below, but now you never show it to me, do you?
Remember when I moved in you; the holy dove was moving too, and every breath we drew was Hallelujah
To explain this verse in non-poetic terms would move this blog into the "adult" category. Not gonna do it. (And can you imagine your church's choir singing this?)

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelu----jah
I can no longer take this seriously.

Maybe there's a God above
Maybe?

and all I ever learned from love was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you
There goes the whole "turn the other cheek" thing.

And it's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light, it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Way to end on a positive note, there, Leonard! Praise the Lord!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

If you'd like to see and hear this post, click the image below or CLICK HERE.


Friday, September 29, 2017

Observed Absurdities™ 32 - Disaster Steps


I don't know who designed this carpet or who decided to use it for these stairs, but I want to apologize to anyone who is vulnerable to seizures.



And I'm thinking there ought to be a big, fluffy pillow at the bottom, with a MedAlert button to push.

Friday, September 22, 2017

#RuinTheBeatlesByOneLetter


Drop it, add it, or change it...do SOMEthing with one letter to ruin a Beatles song.




Across Thy Universe
Wait! This doesn't ruin it; just changes it into a hymn.

A Day Is The Life
The sad tale of a baby that only lived 24 hours

Lackbird
Just doesn't quite have everything it needs

Can't Buoy Me Love
I've got a sinking feeling about this relationship.

Chins
"Chins...my baby's got a whole lotta chins"

Day Stripper
Not as many tips before dark

Do You Want To Know A Secrete
I need a sanitary wipe, please.

Faxing A Hole
A celebration of office pranks

Cello Goodbye
No more orchestral music!

Hey Nude
Talking to the artist's model is rude.

I'm A Laser
"...and I'm shooting from a spaceman's gun."

Lovely Brita
My water is so pure now!

Magical Mystery Sour
You never know what flavor you'll get.

Norwegian Hood
Jah! Yust be given me yer doh, dair.

Nowhere Mane
Bald lions are so sad looking.

Penny Line





Please Lease Me
...for 50 bucks an hour.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Bland
Ho hum.

She Loved You
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bile
This song gives me heartburn.

The Long and Winding Toad
Hop to your own joke, if you really needit-needit.

Twist and Shoot
Not to be confused with "Pivot and Pull the Trigger"

We Can't Work It Out
Give up all hope.

With a Little Kelp From My Friends
"I'm fixing a salad that no one will like..."


Friday, September 15, 2017

Pictures Inappropriate For History Books!


Look over your shoulder before you look at these historic pics! Let there be no doubt about it...you'll never see any of these pictures published publicly except for right here and right now.


The guy in the lower right with the white hair is my great-grandfather, the coopersmith who came to the U.S. from Germany. Rumor has it that the twinkle in his eye is because he just let one rip.

Sexual harassment by SweetCheeks!

KayJay, ActorBoy, and AngelFace: Obviously members of a bee-worshiping cult

First Grade held no excitement for me.

SkittleKid's mind is blown by the thought that the cute little kid in the previous picture could have become the brute he's riding on.

Too. Much. Hair.

So. Little. Hair. (Except for that guy in the middle...sheesh.)

Proving once again that it IS possible to have too much of a good thing.


Friday, September 8, 2017

#I'mSoOutOfIt


...I think Game of Thrones has something to do with multiple toilets

...when I hear muffin top, my mouth waters and I look for some butter

...by the time I get to the store with a coupon for grapes, I have to use it on raisins

...I'm doing bird imitations when I tweet

...when someone mentions Taylor Swift, I think, "Good. I need my suit altered pronto."



...I'm pretty sure a cell phone is what people in jail use to call their lawyers

...I think sick actually means something or someone is not well

...the answering machine for my dial phone uses a cassette tape

Friday, September 1, 2017

The ABCs of What to Write When You Don't Know What to Write


There you sit, having committed to posting SOMEthing every Friday morning. But what do you do when you've just...got...nothing?



You've got to Accept the Beautiful Challenge of Doing Everything you've promised to do. Failure is not an option.

Good Healthy Humor Is Infinitely Justified.

Keep Learning, Moron.

Never Oppose Personal Quality.

Religiously Seek To Undermine Very Wimpy Xylophonists. Yes! Zealously!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Thoughtless Poem


'Tis a dangerous thing
When I sit to write
Not having a thing to say
No story to tell
No gripe to air
No insight to brighten your day

No picture to show
No comic to steal
No tale from my long-buried past
No print ad to tweak
No headline to skewer
Nothing to leave you aghast

'Tis risky, I say
To just let words flow
Unfiltered, straight out of my brain
That's surely the time
The world will find out
I'm kinda  -  a little  -  insane