Friday, December 28, 2012

2013 Headline Wish List

With the coming year coming soon, here are some headlines I look forward to seeing:

Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol Makes Visit to Minnesota Blogger

Every Female Recording Artist No Longer Sounds the Same

Celebrities Have Stopped Feeling It Necessary to Advertise Their Sexual Preferences

Apparently, Paris Hilton Has Ceased to Exist
(I think this one may actually be true!)

Skyline Chili Opens Restaurant in Apple Valley, Minnesota

Director Peter Jackson Says "Just Kidding" and Releases The Hobbit as a Two-Part Film Instead of Trilogy

Pete Seeger Leads the General Chiefs of Staff in a Rousing Rendition of "I Ainta Gonna Study War No More"

Required Deportation Begins for Everyone Not Exhibiting a Clear Understanding of the Difference between "Your" and You're"

Friday, December 21, 2012

Happy Birthday To This

Five years ago next Monday (12/24), with a whimper you can read by clicking here, this blog was born.

Not everything I said in that first posting has come to pass. For instance, "Not everything you read here will be absolutely true, but much of it will have a point of some sort or other." Part A of that statement? On the nose. Part B? Well...let's just say that most of my meaningful points have been saved for a different blog that began just this past March, Truth is....

To celebrate the anniversary of my entrance into the blogosphere, I offer the following statistics, all of which (as of yesterday) are true...but probably pointless.

  • Total number of posts: 264
  • Total number of pageviews: 6,086
  • Average views per post: If you're really interested, do the math. (See? It IS useful in real life!)
  • Most-viewed post, with a total of 126: Paul's First Epistle to Facebookians
  • Strangest search keywords that brought someone to the blog: Walter Deubener
  • Second strangest search keywords: Caution handle with care I'm hot
  • Location where all of my books can be purchased: Dewey's Lulu Store
  • Sneaky product placement: See above
  • Almost the Truth has a globally-diverse audience. No surprise that most pageviews originate in the United States, but that is followed, in order, by Germany, Russia, United Kingdom, Canada, Ukraine, Slovenia, South Korea, China, and Denmark.
  • The referring URL that has resulted in the most pageviews is a Russian search engine! (If the Cold War was still on, I'd insert some joke about almost-truth and the Russian government. Feel free to ad lib one of your own.)

Thanks for coming along on the ride as I do my best to honor the mission statement posted on the Almost the Truth(TM) Publishing FaceBook page (visible here): If laughter is the best medicine, ALMOST THE TRUTH™ exists to heal the world.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Almost the News XVIII

Actor Suspected in Killing Falls to Death
"Yeah, we're pretty sure and confident," says police spokesperson, Reggie Dundant, "that waterfall will never flow or splash ever again or in the future. That actor-theater guy killled it to death."

Couple Accused of Collecting $500 Ransom for Neighbor's Dog
In his statement to the press, the accused 19-year-old man declared, "What's the big deal? The dog couldn't collect the money himself. We were doing it a favor!"

As 3 Cars Collide, 1 Hits House; 5 Are Injured
Scientists are still trying to determine how five cars could get injured when only three collided.

Credit Card Borrowing Drops
Said the Visa to the MasterCard, "Could I use your Ricola? My throat's really sore."

Pedestrian Hit By School Bus In Fair Condition
According to the school district's transportation manager, Emma Walker, the bus "has a little rust in the wheel wells and burns up oil a bit, but other than that, it's in decent shape."

Insurer Apologizes to Deputy Over Dog
It was a nice gesture for the insurance company to treat the deputy to a meal while the adjuster offered a formal apology, but the menu choice was highly questionable.

Five Buggy Riders Hurt in Semi Hit-and-Run
Barron County Sheriff Chris Fitzgerald reported it was really more of a tag-and-trot than an actual hit-and-run.

Should You Friend Your Boss on Facebook? (File under "Stupidest Questions On Earth")

Friday, December 7, 2012

I've Been Wondering... it just me, or do a lot of people have Bugs Bunny jump into their head when they hear classical music?

Friday, November 30, 2012

Color Me Corrected

Well, tie my face to the belly of a sow and roll me in the mud!

In last week's post, I implied that a search on the name Bildad wouldn't bring up many hits on the World Wide Wackfest. I'm sure it comes as no surprise to most of the assembled masses to find out that I was wrong. Just look at some of the top responses to the search for "Bildad is".

Bildad is introduced (Job 2:11) as a Shuhite, probably a member of a nomadic tribe dwelling in southeastern Palestine.
Bildad is a religious dogmatist of the superficial kind, whose dogmatism rests upon tradition and upon proverbial wisdom and approved pious phrases.
Bildad is a little bit hypocritical, because he won’t shed the blood of men on land, but he’s slaughtered lots of whales on the sea.
Bildad is quite appalled by Job's statements; particularly his closing remarks in which Job suggests that God may have been unfair in His dealings with him.
Bildad is a skunk.
Bildad is asking Job to ask God for help.
Bildad is a God-fearing man.
Bildad is one of those guys in life that we have all encountered.
Bildad is offended.
Bildad is absolutely correct.
Bildad is asking if Job thinks the whole moral order of the world should be interrupted for his sake.
Bildad is contradicting the theory of exact retribution wherein God is compelled to respond in accordance with an established formula.
Bildad is a nursing student, registered in Compassion’s Leadership Development Program.
Bildad is (or pretends to be) crustier than Peleg in negotiations over wages.
Bildad is not a man who suffers fools gladly.
Bildad is misapplying his theology.
Bildad is openly angry.
Bildad is wrong on most counts.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Dewey should...

The concept is simple enough. Go to your World Wide Wackfest search engine of choice (I choose, and support Rest in Him Ministry with every click of the mouse). Enter your name, followed by a verb of some sort. Assuming your name isn't Bildad, the result of your search will be a list of where that phrase is used and a plethora of suggestions of, in this particular case, what you should be, have, or do.

Dewey should be easy to spot.
Dewey should have demanded recount after recount.
Dewey should just shut up and search.
Dewey should expect to experience an outage about four hours in length, beginning at about 9 a.m. Thursday.
Dewey should try to follow his ideas.
Dewey should survive the entire new trilogy.
Dewey should have their numbers retired.
Dewey should be required reading for all teachers and extensively so for administrators.
Dewey should provide ample "time, talk, and tools."
Dewey should have beaten Truman.
Dewey should meet Joebot.
Dewey should have been offed in Scream 3.
Dewey should follow in his sire's footsteps as a talented show jumping prospect.
Dewey should receive thousands.
Dewey should start his own text message marketing service.
Dewey should be single in this plot.
Dewey should just be allowed to die, i.e., slip into a straight-up liquidation.
Dewey should be the defendant in the case.
Dewey should go down as the greatest experiment on the secondary level in the 20th century.

For the record (and the truly bored), here are links to previous posts using this technique:
Dewey is...
Dewey wants...
Dewey has...
Dewey needs...

Friday, November 16, 2012

MY FIRST TIME: Episode Five: Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Synopsis: Our intrepid author and his Beloved are on their very first cross-cultural missions experience. To truly get caught up, and because it's been so long since Episode Four, maybe you should go read the previous posts in this series: Episode One: This is your captain speakingEpisode Two: And the Grammy goes to...Episode Three: How much is that urinal in the window?Episode Four: You can't get there from here

Beloved and I were the only married couple on the trip, but we fully anticipated separate housing...and, like almost everything else while we were in Panama, we found that our expectations were wrong. We were matched up with a local banker and actually had our own "guest house" in the family's back yard.

It was small/cozy, to be sure, but very comfortable with a ceiling fan over the mattress and box springs, which were on the cement floor, and our own bathroom: a sink, a commode, and a shower curtain separating the part of the room that had a shower head in the wall and a drain in the floor.

Two special notes about that shower...

Every afternoon, when we got back from our work project and as we were cleaning up for the evening's activity, we shared that shower with at least one gecko, clinging to the wall and enjoying the shade. We were told by our hosts that those were good lizards, because they ate bugs, which made us particularly sad when we opened our front door one afternoon to find that we had inadvertently squished one of those suckers flat in the door jamb.

The other thing to note is that, unlike every other showering experience we had in our subsequent two trips to Panama, our water was actually heated. True Truth: most water in Central America is not artificially heated except on a stove top, so all our other showers were experiments in self-torture as we turned the water on just long enough to have a heart attack and get wet, lathered up, then rinsed off to the sound of our own screams.

The magic of having a hot shower was accomplished by flipping a switch on the wall. That switch was connected to a mechanism that was wired to the shower head.

I tried desperately to forget that the contraption was called a widowmaker.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Daffy On Demand

ActorBoy and the 5-year-old he was "babysitting" for the day were watching a DVD of classic Looney Tunes cartoons. They were being mildly amused, and ActorBoy was glad to not have to be rolling in leaves or playing hide-and-seek...when suddenly, they both started laughing so hard I thought someone had just announced a moratorium on political advertising.

I trundled downstairs to get in on the merriment and found them "rewinding" to the scene about three minutes into Yankee Doodle Daffy, when Daffy Duck is doing his best Carmen Miranda impression:

For whatever reason, they both just thought that was the funniest thing since God invented banana peels.

Fast forward four days. ActorBoy and I are standing around Archivers while Beloved, KayJay, and TheWind (KayJay's fiance, Dustin...see what I did there?) are deciphering the difference between Bavarian Beige and Latte Tan paper for wedding invitations. Translation: ActorBoy and I are fairly well bored.

I lean my head close to his and quote Daffy as Carmen: "Boom-chicka-boom-chicka-boom."

That's all it takes for him to burst out laughing. And then he says, "I need to look up the words to that song." So, being a member of the Digital Generation, ActorBoy speaks into his phone, which is apparently far smarter than mine...heckfire...his phone is far smarter than me...and clearly enunciates "Old Daffy Duck cartoon, boom-chicka-boom."

In 1.87 seconds, his phone's screen is filled with links available for clicking, the first one of which takes him to a site on the World Wide Wackfest dedicated to sharing the lyric of "When She Loves Him," as sung by Daffy Duck in the Looney Tunes cartoon, Yankee Doodle Daffy.

I...I mean...I'm

One...that ActorBoy doesn't even have to type anything, but just speak a non-sentence into his phone...this astounds me.

Two...I am absolutely befuddled as to why anyone would feel it necessary to have posted the words of a song sung by Daffy Duck in a 1943 cartoon short for the world's betterment. Why...what...who decided that was important enough to spend the time, money, and bandwidth to insure the availability of that info?!?!?

I...I mean...I'm're dithpicable...

Friday, November 2, 2012

Here's My Number, So Call Me Earworm

There are a couple trivia challenges in this quarter's list of morning musical meanderings...songs that I'm pretty sure could only be swimming around in MY head.

1-15 – No sense trying to post individual days here. This period, I was awash in the songs of the 2012 edition of the Dakota Chautauqua, which ActorBoy and I performed in at the Dakota County (MN) Fair, August 6-12, 2012.
16 – Nothing Ever Changes (Larry Norman) Almost five bucks to any reader who can honestly say they ever heard of this song before now.
19 – Tragedy (Bee Gees)
23 – When the Saints Go Marching In
27 – Cantina Band Theme (Star Wars)

4 – At Calvary
6 – I Don’t Know How to Love Him (Yvonne Elliman, Jesus Christ Superstar)
15 – Live For Today (Grass Roots)
19 – Billy Jean (Michael Jackson, sans pet chimp)
20 – Hokey Pokey
24 – The Battle of New Orleans (Johnny Horton) “And when we lit the powder off, the gator lost his mind…”
25 – Beautiful One (Jeremy Camp)
26 – The Things We Do For Love/The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy) (10cc/Simon & Garfunkel)
27 – Dust in the Wind (Kansas)

1 – Kiss On My List (Daryl Hall and John Oates) This one is absolutely insidious.
3 – How Great Thou Art
5 – Mademoiselle from Armentieres (Hinky Dinky Parley Vous)
6 – Authority Song – John Mellencamp
8 – Get Right or Get Left (Farrell & Farrell) Seriously…is there anyone among my readers that has ever heard this ancient “Jesus Music” song?
9 – Africa (Toto)
16 – Jesus is Coming Again (“May be morning, may be noon, may be evening, and may be soon”)
17 – Battle Hymn of the Republic
18 – Windy (The Association)
26 – Rub Some Bacon On It (Rhett & Link) I made the mistake of having Beloved watch the video of this last night. Now all I can hear in my head is the chorus, and all I can envision is Link’s dorky beach boy. Watch this if you dare!

Friday, October 26, 2012

WHAT Kind of Lyrics?

As part of my tireless research for the Thursday morning Name That Tune status updates on my personal FaceBook timeline, I was browsing through the listings at and decided to look at the list of songs for the Backstreet Boys. There was a chance, no matter how slim, that there might be a memorable turn of phrase that could serve the purpose.

Living up to my expectations, none of the listed songs sparked any interest in my trivia-searching heart, however...several of the song titles took me by surprise as they were listed with the word "lyrics" following them, turning a simple song lyric list into a strange collection of terms.


  • Bigger Lyrics
  • Helpless Lyrics
  • Incomplete Lyrics
  • Inconsolable Lyrics
  • Just Want You To Know Lyrics
  • Larger Than Life Lyrics
  • One In A Million Lyrics 
  • Shattered Lyrics
  • The Unloved Lyrics
  • Undone Lyrics
  • Unmistakable Lyrics

Friday, October 19, 2012

Observed Absurdities™ 6

Loyal reader and fellow slave at Big Brother, Inc., Queen CanDo, submitted the following:

Here are some nice ads on the "Buy and Sell Fairbault Area" FaceBook page.

Brand New. Never Used. White bag with large silver star sequence design.
I thought brand new and never used were the same thing. I also did not know they are Proper Nouns. And I wonder if the sequence of silver stars is made of sequins?

I adoptied this cat froms craigslist and I really love him but he is so scared so I have desided to find him a new home with older kids or no kids he hides under the bed every day I think my kids scare him his names tigger and he is a year old please if u can give him a good home he deserves it
I am thinking of putting in an ad for free commas and periods to see if she responds. [And I am wondering about the current kids, and how does the cat manage to hide them under the bed every day?]

Looking for cotton yarn? Any one have?
No, I don't? I'm sorry? You can buy some at the store?

Anyone saleiing zumba dvd please please tag me thank u
I don't know what to say about this one. [How about after tagging them thank u, we could call them maybe?]

Fun Popcorn Tubs
Brand new
1 very large tub & very medium tubs
I'm looking for regular medium tubs, so I will have to pass on the very medium. They do sound Fun though.

3 paris of Arizone brand size 14 husky jeans and 1 pair of Old Navy size 12 husky jeans. Nearly worn.
Nearly worn. Does that mean that they were almost worn, or they were worn close to the body?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *
This is great stuff, but should it concern me that it came in an email with the subject line, "Lord, help me - I am turning into Dewey!!"?

Friday, October 12, 2012

Better Left Unsaid

So far, I have had at least a limited amount of success at holding myself back from becoming one of THOSE grandparents. You know the kind I mean...always wanting to show you the latest pictures and tell you the latest Unbelievably Cute thing their grandchild has done:

"He looked at me and smiled. Isn't that aMAYzing?!!?"

But I must confess to a bit of pride at having the absolutely cutest child ever born as a grandson. And I kid you not, no one I have ever said that to has disagreed with me. People have been known to develop instantaneous cavities just by looking at pictures of him...he is THAT sweet. He's got a supply of t-shirts that he's required to wear whenever AngelFace and TheRelentlessOne (I'll have to explain that sometime, I reckon.) take SkittleKid into public: "WARNING: May aggravate cases of borderline diabetes."

But the real reason I've been holding back isn't because I'm all that empathetic toward the general population that would be bored to tears to read about my grandson. It's because the things that have caused the most laughter just don't translate all that well to the written word.

Take last weekend for instance.

The family was gathered for a dinner celebrating the birthdays of Beloved and AngelFace. The food was good and SkittleKid was having fun crawling around on the floor, competing with Edgar the RatDog for table scraps.

At some point, SkittleKid took off as fast as his hands and knees could take him and bonked his forehead on the crosspiece that connects two of the table's legs. At the time, we all thought that was the funniest thing since kangaroos on a trampoline, but writing it down like this, it just sounds cruel for us to have been guffawing.

Yeah...I need to just keep the joys of grandparenting to myself.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Almost the Good Samaritan

This guy came up to Jesus all confused because there were so many stinkin' commandments and couldn't we just simplify the list? I mean ten is a two-digit number for crying out loud and how do you expect a guy to be able to remember all that? Wouldn't it be better to just boil them all down to one all-encompassing rule?

Jesus looked the guy in the eyes and said, "No problemo, Paco! The greatest commandment is this: Look both ways before crossing the stree--no wait, that's not it--Love God with everything you are and everything you have; put Yahweh first."

That would have been pretty good right there, but being a preacher, Jesus apparently couldn't stop at pretty good; he needed to go for depth and length...especially length. So just as the guy was turning to walk away satisfied, Jesus added, "And the second-greatest commandment is pretty darn close to the first: Love your neighbor in the same way you love yourself and want yourself to be loved and cared for and have good stuff happen to and all that."

The guy stopped dead in his tracks...well, not literally; he was still breathing and all, albeit a bit more heavily now.

"Can you run that by me again?"

"Sure," Jesus replied, and he repeated the whole paragraph.

Something I haven't told you about this guy questioning Jesus...he was a lawyer. He wanted the precise, do-this-and-nothing-more-and-you'll-be-on-the-right-side-of-God's-Naughty-or-Nice-List version of life. So just to be on the safe side, he asked Jesus, "That's all fine and dandy, but just what exactly do you mean when you use the term neighbor?"

And that's when Jesus told the following story.

It was a dark and stormy night. Anyone in their right mind would be at home, snuggling with their dog and sipping mulled cider in front of a roaring fire. But no...this guy was walking from Jerusalem to know, the Bad Part of Town...and surprise-surprise, got the ever-lovin' snot kicked out of him by a band of unschooled ruffians. They Three C'd him: took his Cash, his Cards, and his Clothes.

So he's laying there, moaning and groaning, when what to his wondering eyes should appear but one of the pastoral staff from the man's church. He thinks to himself, "Oh good! The pastor will help me! I mean, last week's sermon was on going the extra mile and all that!" And he calls out to the pastor, "Oh boy, am I ever glad to see you! Can you help a brother out?"

Apparently, the answer is "No," because the pastor crosses the street and walks by on the opposite side ...while holding his fingers in his ears and singing the chorus of a Christmas carol: "Fa la la la laaaaa...."

The mugged man is having trouble holding on to consciousness when a deacon from the church approaches. He thinks, "Surely this guy will help me. I even think he's on the benevolence committee!"

But the injured man is, sadly, mistaken, and can hardly believe his eyes as he sees the deacon check his watch, turn around, and scurry off in the opposite direction.

About a half-hour later, the man is going into shock when a gay person of color with bad complexion and malodorous breath comes up the road and sees the man. He stops, cleans the man's wounds with some antiseptic wipes, wraps him in his coat, and takes him to the nearest urgent care facility, where he gives them his own debit card and instructs them to do whatever is needed to bring the victim back to health.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *
"Now," said Jesus, "which one of these men was a neighbor to the man who got mugged?"

The lawyer looked at his feet as he cleared his throat and mumbled, "I know I'm supposed to say 'the gay person of color with bad complexion and malodorous breath,' but I really feel uncomfortable with that."

"Tough noogies, LawyerLad, you need to cowboy up."

Friday, September 28, 2012

How Many Is Several?

The following is an actual conversation between my only son and me.

ActorBoy: I'm supposed to give them several available dates and long as it's in these four days. [Pause] I don't think I can fit "several" dates in that amount of time.

Me: Sure you can. Three is "several."

ActorBoy: Three is "a few."

Me: Okay...let me think...two would be "a pair," three is "a few" about four? Four could be "several."

ActorBoy: I would call that "some." I've always connected the number twelve with "several."

Me: Well, sure, twelve would be several, but it doesn't take that many to be "several." I could have dinner with eight friends and say "I had dinner with several friends."

ActorBoy: I would call that "a bunch."

[Much laughter]

ActorBoy: You should write this down!

Friday, September 21, 2012

Almost the Truthlets, the First

At the alarming rate of "every so often", on the Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page, which you can find by clicking here, I post small snippets of almost-truth as "status updates". To fill you in on what you may have been missing, and encourage you to go to the aforementioned Almost the TruthTM Publishing FaceBook page and "Like" it, I herewith provide for you a compendium of said postings.

Please hold your applause until the end.

  • 2 + 2 = 3.87
  • Four score and six years ago...
  • One brick shy of a Happy Meal
  • Away out west they got a name for wind and rain and fire: the rain is Wet, the fire Glows, and they call the
  • A fool and his money...yeah, that about covers it for me...except for the money part.
  • When the moon hits a guy, but he doesn't die...that's amazing.
  • Oscar speech: I'd like to thank all the little people who mindlessly devour the drivel Hollywood produces.
  • A bird in the hand is not such a great idea...
  • Don't look a gift horse in the...never mind.
  • Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your rebate in Menard's.
  • What doesn't kill you makes you weaker and more vulnerable to the next attack.
  • "I am," I said, to no one there. And no one heard at all—well, duh.
  • Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes the reason is because you're stupid and make bad decisions.
  • Hello, Kettle? This is Pot. You're black.
  • Betcha can't imagine the following without at least grinning: Kangaroos on a trampoline.
  • C' can do it! It's not rocket surgery.
  • If you can't beat 'em, mercilessly make fun of 'em.
  • Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me Mister Tibbs!
  • The early bird gets the worm...not that that's much of an incentive to be early.
  • If nominated, I will not run. If elected, I will retire and live on a great pension.
  • Who put the “bop” in the “I’m gonna bop you one”?

Friday, September 14, 2012

Names of Biblical Proportions

When contemplating what to name a newborn child, parents have many options. They can search through family records to find either a close or distant relative's name that "jumps out" at them. (Boo Radley comes to mind.) They can scour websites and books dedicated to listing possible names...maybe basing their choice on the name's meaning. (Take "Dewey," for instance, which means "all wet.")

Perhaps the most widespread help for finding names is also one of the oldest: the Bible.

It's a great source for finding some very popular names, such as: Adam, Benjamin, Daniel, David, Jacob, Joel, John, Joseph, Martha, Mary, Nathan, Ruth, Timothy, and of course, for my Hispanic readers, Jesus.

There are even some second-tier possibilities for the truly faithful: Abraham, Isaac, Jeremiah, and of course, for my Amish readers, Zedekiah.

But there are some Biblical names that I honestly believe have passed their expiration dates and we will probably not see in contemporary birth announcements: Amminadab, Elizaphan (isn't that the stuff in turkey that makes you sleepy?), Nogah, and Uzziel.

My favorite unusable Biblical name...the shortest man who ever lived...Bildad the Shuhite. (Now, that's pretty darn short! Even though it would work well for when someone asks a bride, "Who's paying for this?" The answer: "Bildad.")

Friday, September 7, 2012

Saying It With Music

Depending on how new you are to these parts, you may or may not be aware that my weekday morning status updates on FaceBook are trivia games with different themes, depending on the day of the week. Thursday mornings are Name That Tune Day, and for the past year, unknown to the world at large, rather than just posting random lyrical quotes, I've been carefully selecting what words from what songs to use...all so it would result, when read from start to finish, in the glory that follows.

Does anybody really care?  If so, I can’t imagine why1 he got a 32 gun in his pocket for fun.2
I think I’m gonna be sad.Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard!4  I’ve been cheated; been mistreated.5  I’ve been drivin’ all night; my hand’s wet on the wheel.6  All this science, I don’t understand.7  Don’t know much about geography.8  I was lost and blind ‘til a friend of mine came and took me by the hand.9  But if I really say it, the radio won’t play it.10
All the leaves are brown11 and they wither with the wind and they crumble in your hand.12..Don’t know why there’s no sun up in the sky.13  Long as I remember, the rain’s been comin’ down.14  Hangin’ around, nothing to do but frown,15 and just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed, nothing seems to fit.16  Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my sadness hid.17  
I hope I didn’t wake you, but there’s something that I’ve just got to say:18  “B-b-b-baby,19 rah-rah, ah-ah-ah! Rom-mah, rom-mum-mah!20  Nah, nah-nah, nah-nah-nah, nah.21  Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean:22  They have pre-wrapped sausages but they don’t have pre-wrapped bacon.23 
There’s my friend from Chicago.24  He's talkin' with Davy, who's still in the Navy.25  He had a woman he loved in Saigon.26  He said, “You don’t need no strength, you need to grow up, son.27  You better take care if I find you been creepin’ ‘round my back stairs.28  ’Cause I’m a picker, I’m a grinner, I’m a lover, and I’m a sinner.29  I get knocked down, but I get up again.30  I’m New York City, born and raised, but nowadays I’m lost between two shores31 with no direction home; like a complete unknown.” 32
I awoke last night to the sound of thunder.  “How far off?” I sat and wondered.33  I’ve been thinking that I should stop disc jockeying and start that record store.34  The time to hesitate is through.35  I don't claim to be an "A" student, but I'm trying to be.36  Want to move ahead, but the boss won’t seem to let me.37  Maybe I’m a lonely man who’s in the middle of something that he doesn’t really understand.38
Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?39  His blood runs through my instrument and his song is in my soul.40  I don’t care what they may say.  I don’t care what they may do.41  Satan is an evil charmer; he’s hungry for a soul to hurt.42  And the three men I admire most – the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost43 –maybe be just like the Beatles: melodic rockin’ heavyweights.44 
When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change.45  Don’t go trying some new fashion.46  You’re everything I hoped for.  You’re everything I need.47  Come on, baby, don’t say maybe.48  Take my hand.  Take my whole life, too.49  Once I get you up there where the air is rarified, we’ll just glide starry-eyed.50  Or would you rather be a mule?51 
I guess what I be saying is there ain’t no better reason to rid yourself of vanities and just go with the seasons.52 
 *  *  *  *  *  *  *
1) Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?   2) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown   3) Ticket to Ride   4) Call Me Al   5) When Will I Be Loved?   6) Radar Love   7) Rocket Man   8) Wonderful World   9) The Rock That Doesn’t Roll   10) I Dig Rock and Roll Music   11) California Dreamin’   12) Leaves that are Green   13) Stormy Weather   14) Who’ll Stop the Rain?   15) Rainy Days and Mondays   16) Raindrops Keep Fallin’ on My Head   17) Tears of a Clown   18) I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song   19) You Ain’t Seen Nothin’ Yet   20) Bad Romance   21) Hey Jude   22) Your Song   23) If I Had a Million Dollars   24) On the Tequila   25) Piano Man   26) Born in the U.S.A.   27) Authority Song   28) Sundown   29) The Joker   30) I Get Knocked Down   31) I Am, I Said   32) Like a Rolling Stone   33) Night Moves   34) WOLD   35) Light My Fire   36) Wonderful World   37) 9 to 5   38) Maybe I’m Amazed   39) The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald   40) Leader of the Band   41) Jesus Is Just Alright   42) Shut De Do   43) American Pie   44) Never Gonna Be As Big As Jesus   45) Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars)   46) Just the Way You Are (Billy Joel)   47) You Are So Beautiful   48) Take It Easy   49) I Can’t Help Falling in Love With You   50) Come Fly With Me   51) Would You Like to Swing on a Star?  52) I’m Yours (Jason Mraz)

Friday, August 31, 2012 bag! You stupid, stupid bag!

A tip-o-the-hat to for the following picture, which led my mind to the verbal jabs that follow the following picture...ya follow?

You're so ugly...ugly people cover you up with pictures of themselves.

What are you even MADE of? Hot dogs refuse to be put inside you.

You're about as useful as pre-popped bubble wrap.

When you get filled with air and popped...nobody even flinches.

Everything you rhyme with is negative: gag, hag, lag, nag, sag...

Those Fandango ads you star in really blow chunks.

You're so couldn't punch your way out of yourself...even if you were wet.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Business Plan for Success

I've got a great new idea for becoming financially independent. It doesn't demand a lot of physical labor (a top priority for me), nor is it dependent on an ongoing involvement on my part. It's clean, simple, and almost assuredly legal. And I have the following photo to thank for the concept.

I've decided to take that concept and turn it to a greater advantage.

I'm going to sell my vintage 1977 Marvel Special Edition Star Wars comic book (#1) at the never-before-advertised price of only five million dollars.

Okay, okay, okay...calm down. I know that's a fairly big asking price...but I only need to sell one.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Y U No Good Looking?!!?

I recently entered the Publishers Clearinghouse "$5,000 a week Forever" sweepstakes. (Hey...give God every available option for testing my ability to handle wealth, right?)

One piece of the forest-felling collection of ads and offers and Official Certificates that is part and parcel of a Pub C-House mailing was a flyer ordering me to go online to see if I had won $25,000 instantly. Being the obedient sort, I went to the appropriate website, instantly found that I wasn't an instant winner (shock and awe!) and then was led through a collection of electronic ads and offers and Official Certificates.

Of interest is that, online at least, Publishers Clearinghouse actually offers discounted magazine subscriptions. (File that tidbit in the same folder as "MTV played a music video.") One such offer was for Gentleman's Quarterly, commonly referred to as GQ.

I look at that face on that cover and think, "Are you kidding me? Is that supposed to entice me to subscribe? Is that now the standard of rugged handsomeness to which I'm supposed to aspire? Firstly, comb that mop of hair into some semblance of a style, okay? Secondly, get some sleep in an attempt to cure those sunken, baggy eyes. And for the love of everything righteous and true, either grow a beard or shave, you lily-skinned,  indecisive mongrel you."

By the way, did I mention I just renewed my membership in GROUCH (Global Ranks Of Unedited Curmudgeons & Hacks)?

Friday, August 10, 2012

Almost the News XVII

Leader Wants to Restart Nuclear Plants
Japan Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda said he plans to begin with the radioactive rhododendron and  move on to uranium-rich nasturtiums later in the year.

New DWI Tester Called Flawed
In related news, the marketing manager for the company that produces the new tester was summarily fired today.

Man Critical After Gunshot to Head
"He used to be so friendly and positive," said the man's wife, "Always looked on the bright side of things, you know? But ever since he got shot in the head, it's one complaint after another."

Australia Creating World's Largest Marine Reserves
Apparently, the plan is to feed them chocolate shakes, french fries, and double portions of red meat, coupled with very little physical activity.

Board Member Raps Scouts' Gay Policy
"Well I'm talkin' 'bout the Scouts and the things they're standin' for
Some stuff you gotta know if you're comin' through our door
We be manly men, yeah, you hear what I say
If you wanna be a Scout, then you can't be gay"

Republican Legislators Take Ritchie to Task
Apparently, he couldn't call a taxi or anything.

Troubled New York Hospitals Forgo Coverage for Malpractice
In a joint press conference, hospital administrators said, "We had a hard choice to make. We couldn't provide both coverage and malpractice. We had to choose one or the other, so we went with what we're better at."

China Sends First Woman Into Space
...however, it is still a mystery as to how they obtained Eve in the first place.

Obama Seen Bouncing Back from Tough Stretch
Now THERE'S a photo opportunity!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Attack of the Doobie Brothers

A particularly frustrating collection of the mental soundtracks that drew me into wakefulness for the past three months.

1 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers)
3 – Battle Hymn of the Republic (with, of course, the alternate lyric involving perpetrating violence against an educational professional)
6 – Nothing But the Blood of Jesus
7 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers) I’m sure my atheist friends are chuckling at the juxtaposition of this with “Nothing But the Blood of Jesus.”
8 – Today is the Day (“Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it…”)
11 – I Wanna Be Your Man (Oh my! I haven’t heard the Beatles in my head since December 21, 2011!
14 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers…again)
15 – What a Fool Believes (Doobie Brothers…and again)
16 – What a Fool Be–oh for cryin’ out loud!
18 – Kiss Me (Sixpence None the Richer) Ahhhh…relief…
19 – Oh How He Loves
21 – Save the Country (Fifth Dimension)
23 – What a Fool AAAAAAUUUUUGH!
25 – What a Fool Believes – Somebody get me an ice pick! I need to dig this tune out of my brain! What is the DEAL?!? I’ve been listening to other stuff, but nothing has taken the place of hearing Michael McDonald’s voice pulling me toward wakefulness.
28 – Feels So Good (Chuck Mangione)
29 – My Old Man (Smothers Brothers) Never hurts to wake up with a chuckle!
31 – Psalm of HOPE (Debbie Roth) Written by KayJay, Beloved, & Me; on Beloved’s 4th CD, “living letters of HOPE” (

1 – Unless the Lord Builds the House (Keith Green)
3 – If You Wanna Be Happy (Jimmy Soul) “If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So, from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you.”
6 – 101 Uses for Spam (This isn’t even a completed song yet, and already it’s banging in my head! Explanation: I’m co-writing and co-directing the Dakota Chautauqua this year [Big tent show at the Dakota County Fair, August 6-12, 2012] and this is the 2nd song I’ve written for it so far. Eric Peltoniemi will be doing the music for my lyrics, but I did have a tune in my head for the chorus, and it decided to inflict itself upon me this morning.)
9 – Holly Holy (Neil Diamond)
12 – Hooked on a Feeling (B. J. Thomas)
13 – It’s Alright (Matthew Ward) For the 98% of you wonderful readers who will have never heard this suhWEET tune from the early days of Jesus Music:
14 – Down in the Boondocks (Billy Joe Royal)
27 – Backfield in Motion (Mel and Tim…yeah no, I had to look it up)
28 – Crackling Rose (Neil Diamond, with his second appearance on the charts this month!)
29 – What a Fool Believes (I’ve got a bad feeling about this.)
30 – What a Fool Believes (Seriously?!?)

2 – What a Fool… I NEED THERAPY!
3 – I Will Follow (Chris Tomlin) Sang this song in worship Sunday morning and at a women’s prison Monday night. Great way to leave the Doobie Brothers behind!
8 – Go Away Little Girl (Donny Osmond)
15 – I am stuck on Band-Aid, ‘cause Band-Aid’s stuck on me…
20 – Africa (Toto)
21 – Your Mother Should Know (John, Paul, George, and Ringo)
23 – Call Me Maybe (Carly Rae Jepsen)

Friday, July 27, 2012

The Grocery Bag Scene

August 6-12, 2012, ActorBoy and I will be appearing at the Dakota County Fair, Farmington MN, as part of the cast for the brand new Dakota Chatauqua. It's a tent show full of original songs and both humorous and dramatic sketches (but mostly humorous) based on true events from Minnesota history. This is a resurrection with the production staff and most of the cast members from the 1999-2005 iteration of the show, but with all new material...some of which, I have written.

To give you a taste, and with hopes of enticing any local readers to come see the show, I share with you here the script for one of the sketches. The facts about the invention of the grocery bag with handles are accurate. The plot line of the inventor's wife being a lovely distraction (i.e., a bit of a tart) is fabricated.

Walter Deubener: Hello, my good sir, nice little store you have here.
Abner: Thank you. I do what I can.
Walter Deubener [extending hand]: Deubener’s the name… Walter Deubener
Abner: Abner Singlenite.
Walter Deubener: And this is my lovely wife, Lydia.
Abner: Oh…my…um…pleased to meet you.
Lydia: The pleasure…is mutual.
Walter Deubener: Lydia and I used to run the little grocery stand in the Kresge building in St. Paul…you know, the corner of 7th and Cedar?
Abner [focused on Lydia]: Cedar…riiiight.
Walter Deubener: Well, I noticed a little problem. People would only buy as much as they could carry in a single bag…because they had to use both hands to carry the one bag…isn’t that right, Lydia?
Lydia: Oh yes…they had to use both hands.
Abner: Both hands.
Walter Deubener: We tried all sorts of things. I wrapped up their purchases with heavy string attached to a wooden handle, I supplied market baskets…nothing worked.
Lydia: It was SO frustrating.
Abner: Frustrating.
Walter Deubener: Finally one night, it hit me like a lightning bolt out of the blue: handles.
Abner [coming to]: Handles?
Lydia [capturing his attention again]: Handles.
Walter Deubener: We made up some prototypes, tested them out, and now, as of May 27, 1919, I hold a patent on the Deubener Shopping Bag. You see, with these handles here, customers can carry away up to 50 pounds in each hand. Just look at all the things I can put in this bag.
Abner: Just look.
Walter Deubener: At only 5 cents each, these little marvels will more than pay for themselves with all the extra sales you’ll be making. [Lifts the loaded bag, but all the canned goods are left behind.]
Lydia: How many would you like?
Abner: I’ll take two…er…two hundred.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Observed Absurdities™ 6 - Question of the Half-Month

At Big Brother, Inc., the multi-national corporation that pays me for my epic technical writing and editing skills, there is an attempt to engage The Average Worker, on the company's private intranet home page, called Question of the Week. It's a multiple-choice question, sometimes about general trivia, but mostly focused on a bit of information from BBI's vast storehouse of self-absorbed minutiae.

It gets published once every two weeks.

Yes, that's right. That's a sure sign of how focused BBI is on engaging with its average worker: publishing a "question of the week" every two weeks.

Last week, I was greeted with this brain-teaser:

Just in case the picture isn't clear enough, here's what it says:

For how many years has [Big Brother, Inc.] provided products and services in the Middle East?
   O More than 50
   O More than 30
   O More than 40
   O More than 60
   O I don't know

For the record, "I don't know" is always one of the options, and, with very little thinking  -  methinks  -  one should be able to realize that it could very well always be a correct response.

And then there's this particular array of possible answers, which, if the company-sanctioned Correct Answer is "More than 60," includes FIVE correct responses.

See what I mean, jelly bean?