Ersatz E Words

An exiguous excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Each  (n)  -  Pain felt by the fifth letter of the alphabet

Eagle (n)  - A pecie of bird epecially adapted to living near an ocean or ea and cavenging for french frie thrown by viiting tourit.

Earlike (n)  -  What Dwight D. Eisenhower would have been called if he were a British nobleman

Earliness (adj)  -  The quality or state of being an earl

Earplug (v)  -  To carry or tote an air sickness bag when it is full

Earthling (n)  -  Medical devithe worn when one hath thprained one'th ear

Earwig (n)  -  What all the fashionable-yet-bald ears are wearing this season

Easiness (clause)  -  Phrase used while explaining how to spell the author's name: "Dasindog, Easiness, Wasinwater..."

Easterly (adj)  -  Having the quality of a resurrection celebration

Extreme (n)  -  A dry riverbed

Mick Takes Risk; Foreigner Scores Hit

When a fellow has loved and lost, he ends up being torn between at least two conflicting thoughts:

     1.  "Man, I don't ever want anything even close to that to happen to me again."

     2.  "Man, I miss the way it used to be when I wasn't single."

What to do? What to do?

Well, if you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you write a song about the burden of loneliness ("Now this mountain I must climb; feels like the world upon my shoulders")  and the determination to take a risk again. ("Can't stop now, I've traveled so far to change this lonely life. I wanna know what love is. I want you to show me.")

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you get the New Jersey Mass Choir to sing on the record and they form a circle and recite the Lord's Prayer before the tape starts rolling.

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you ride that song all the way to Number 1 on the charts and Number 476 on Rolling Stone magazine's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time".

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, you open the song with a quatrain that makes absolutely no sense. ("I've gotta take a little time; a little time to think things over." [Okay, THAT makes sense, but what's up with the next two lines?] "I better read between the lines, in case I need it when I'm older.")

If you're Mick Jones of Foreigner, I'm pretty sure you're not wasting your time reading this blog.

Commas Save Lives!

I'm pretty sure it didn't start with me.

In fact, I'm positive I am not the originator of this thought and its example.

I bet I could even find a meme based on it.

The thought:
Commas save lives.

The example:
The simple difference between an exuberant invitation to share a meal together and a call to cannibalism.

Notice the difference a single comma can make:

"Let's eat, Grandma!"  vs. "Let's eat Grandma!"

While setting off a noun-of-address with a comma (as in the above example) is a consistent rule of grammar, there's another use of commas that has become a bit of a controversy.

I speak of the Oxford comma; also known as the serial comma. It's that friendly little period-with-a-tail that appears before the word "and" when writing a list of three or more things.

Allow me to demonstrate.

There at the table sat my two ex-wives, Tom Hanks, and a large bulldog.

Clearly, there are three persons and a canine entity sitting at the table in question. But without the Oxford comma, the table only has one human and one dog, both of which I was once married to: "There at the table sat my two ex-wives, Tom Hanks and a large bulldog."

Yikes.

By the way...yes, I was able to find that meme I mentioned:

There's Something About This That's Just Not Right

Every so often, our editors here at Almost the Truth like to take a look at what significant events have taken place on any given date.

Okay, that's not true.

There ARE no editors here at Almost the Truth. It's just me.

It's also not true because I don't necessarily LIKE doing historical research. It's just that...every so often...I have to scramble to create some kind of content and I've found that history can usually provide something worthy of skewering.

FOR EXAMPLE...

OnThisDay.com says that on February 21, 1173, Pope Alexander III canonized Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Canterbury. I read that and get an image in my head of a very Barnum-like Pope Alex III at a three-ring circus, firing Tom Becket out of a cannon.

And I think...that's probably not right.

February 21, 1937: Initial flight of the first successful flying car, Waldo Waterman's Arrowbile. Where did THAT name come from? Sounds like a poison Robin Hood would use.

That's probably not right, either.

On February 21, 1923, Andre Charlot's musical "Rats" premiered in London:

Memories

All alone in the crawlspace

Shoving cheese into my face

I prefer peanut butter

Definitely not right.

On this date in 1969, Ted Williams signed a 5-year contract to manage Washington Senators...and some jokes just write themselves.

Paul Rick James McCartney

"I wanna make Paul McCartney white-boy money!"

So declared Rick James at about the same time the 477th greatest song of all time was released: "Super Freak".

And wow...the song-writing similarities are super freaky.

James: "She's a very kinky girl; the kind you don't take home to mother."
McCartney: "She came in through the bathroom window."

James: "She will never let your spirits down."
McCartney: "Baby's in black and I'm feelin' blue."

James: "She likes the boys in the band. She says that I'm her favorite."
McCartney: "Catch you with another man, that's the end, little girl."

James: "When I make my move to her room, it's the right time. She's never hard to please."
McCartney: "When I'm home, everything seems to be right...right, yeah!"

James: "She's a super freak, super freak, she's super-freaky."
McCartney: "A pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray."

Jaw-droppingly amazing, right?

A Dollop of Disingenuous D Words

A diminutive dalliance with Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Dabble (n)  -  Da ting in da pasture whats got da pointy horns and da bad attitude

Dadgum (n)  -  [You don't seriously need me to type this out for you, do you?]

Daddies (clause)  -  What happens when a father's heart stops beating

Dagoba (clause)  -  How sheep verbally communicate

Deciduous (adj)  -  Being inclined to have another person make decisions for the group one is a member of

Doldrums (n)  -  Percussion instruments made out of pineapples

Duplicity  (n)  -  A large town made out of two-ply tissue

Dwarf (n)  -  A small pier

Dynamite (clause)  -  Tentative answer to the question, "Who's going to clean the kitchen?"

Dystrophy (clause)  -  What youse will win if you come in foist in dysrace

Open Mic Night in Gaza

The leader of my adult Bible study class generally is hoping to provoke thought, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't planning for me to be totally distracted with a single phrase from the story of Samson in Judges 14-16.

Most people are at least familiar with the story of Samson and Delilah and how she nagged her way into discovering why Samson was so stinkin' strong...which led to Samson being shaved, blinded, and put to work (grinding grain like an ox) by the oppressing enemies of Israel, the Philistines. 

The one phrase in the story that sidetracked my thoughts and kept me from hearing anything else the rest of the morning is found in Judges 16:25...

"While they were in high spirits, they shouted, 'Bring out Samson to entertain us.' So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them."

So...

What kind of act did Samson have?

"Hey! Thanks so much for inviting me here to your pagan worship. I understand you've really spruced up the place for the occasion. I can't really see any improvement, myself, but I'm okay with it.

"But seriously, there are some advantages to having your eyes gouged out. I mean, if the guy I share my cell with looks only half as bad as he smells, I'm okay with it.

"I'd like to sing a little ditty for you all. Billy Joel fans may recognize the tune...

"She's got looks that could kill

She's got words that entice

She wants to know secrets

She asks more than twice

Don't tell her the truth

Or you'll never be free

Yeah, she nags like a mule

But she's always Delilah to me

"Oh...she just yearns to know why

You can kill any beast

You are such a strong guy

Oh...yeah her body just rocks

But don't fall asleep

She'll be shaving your locks

"And she'll promise you more

Than the Garden of Eden

She'll let you play games

With those slave girls from Sweden

But she makes sure her face

Is the last that you'll see

She's sly as a fox

But she's always Delilah to me

"I don't know if Delilah is in the audience, but I want her to know that I'm not carrying a grudge about her shaving my head when I was asleep. It totally negated my audition for the touring company of Hair, but I've got this great gig grinding grain, so I'm okay with it.

"Grain grinding is the perfect job for me, too. Just chain me to the turnstile and watch me go. I'm like the Energizer water buffalo!  Stepping in the surprise packages left behind by the ox in front of me is a different experience, for sure, but it's a good aerobic workout, you know? I'm okay with it!

"That's all I've got! You've been a great audience! Now, if someone could direct me to the pillars that support this whole building, I need to rest against them...really, really rest."