Welcome to My Graphic Rabbit Hole

 

With last week's mini-venture into A.I. image manipulation, I opened the door to something so fun it's dangerous. Or maybe so dangerous that it's fun, I don't know.

I gave CoPilot the following self-portrait...

...then asked it to make it look different in a number of ways. First, I wanted to look steampunk.

Then I asked to look as if Picasso painted me.

Then Van Gogh.

Salvador Dali

The good folks at Pixar

The only-slightly-different-looking Claymation

Then I thought, could CoPilot put me inside different entertainment franchises ... like The Simpsons?

Or Star Trek

Saving my personal favorite for last, look what happened when I asked to be put in a scene from Pirates of the Caribbean:

I was kind of hoping for something more like Jack Sparrow and less like Smee, but I look at this and can't help but think "Jolly Roger".

Dennis the Family Circus

 

Back on the 20th of September, the following two comics were published side-by-side in our local paper.

You are invited to take a short trip into my warped mind and chuckle at the thought: "What if those two captions got switched?"

BONUS CONTENT

Here's the pleasant surprise that happened when I asked CoPilot to morph the two together.

Here We Go Round and Round: The 382nd Greatest Song

 

SO MANY unanswered questions about "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by The Verve.

What made them think they could make a six-second loop of an orchestral arrangement of a Rolling Stones song ("The Last Time"), create a four-minute song from it, and not give Jagger and Richards writing credit (which they were eventually forced to do)?

Why use a Stones song that had its own origin controversy? ("The Last Time" is very similar to a 1955 song by The Staple Singers called "This May Be The Last Time," but The Stones claimed it as their own.  -SongFacts.com)

Why does the video for the song consist of the lead singer walking against the flow of pedestrians on a busy sidewalk, bumping into people?

Why would the listening public of 1997 turn a song with a lyric like "You're a slave to money, then you die" into a Number 12 hit?

And last but not least, why would Rolling Stone magazine call it the 382nd Greatest Song of All Time?

What Was So Special About August 31, 2023?

 

It's not always the best thing for my self-esteem for me to look at the readership statistics for Almost the Truth.

We're a happy little family here, you and I. But most of the time, the operative word in that sentence is little. Over the course of almost 18 years and 929 posts, this blog has averaged 304 views per post. But that represents a high of 771 ("Pictures Inappropriate for History Books!" 9/15/2017) and a low of 55 ("#PutAnAnimalInASeventiesSongTitle Two" 5/24.2024).

In terms of how many page views happen on any given day, the number bounces around between 200 and 500, with a few valleys and peaks on either side of that range.

But then, August 31, 2023 happened.

On that fateful day, there were 41,272 page views here at Almost the Truth.

What the farnsworth??!?

What happened on that day that drove so many people to find solace in the chuckles found in this space?

I consulted onthisday.com and found the following headlines for August 31, 2023:

• At least 76 people died in a fire in an office building housing migrants and vulnerable people in Johannesburg, South Africa. [This might have caused an uptick in readers looking for escape, but 41,000?]
• A new computer model study suggested humanity was almost wiped out 900,000 years ago with just 1,280 reproducing individuals remaining [I believe the number you're looking for is 8: Noah, his 3 sons, and their 4 wives.]
• Two leaders of right-wing group the Proud Boys received lengthy sentences for sedition for their assault on the US Capitol [We all know THAT didn't last long.]

Unconvinced any of these occurrences could have caused such a spike in readership, I looked through the years to see if there was a significant event's anniversary that sent people to the comfort of my comedy.

• 1888: The body of Jack the Ripper's first victim, Mary Ann Nichols, is found in Whitechapel in London's East End [Nah. That's way too long ago for people to care about.]
• 1895: First professional football game: QB John Brallier is paid $10 and his team wins 12-0 [And team owners have been buying wins ever since.]
• 1897: Thomas Edison patents the Kinetoscope, a device that produces moving pictures [Worth celebrating, but I think it would result in people going to the movies, not reading this blog.]
• 1946: Foghorn Leghorn, a Warner Bros. cartoon character, debuts in "Walky Talky Hawky" [Exactly what Edison had in mind, no doubt.]
• 1987: Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, directed by Martin Scorcese, premieres during TV special "Michael Jackson: The Magic Returns" on CBS [Hmmm...we may be getting warm here.]
• 2009: The Walt Disney Company announces it will acquire Marvel Entertainment for $4.24 billion

Back the truck up, stop the presses, and hoooooold on there! We have found the answer!

If I Were Jim Gaffigan #TrueStory

 

My thanks to Copilot for the following response to my apparently inspiring prompt.

So I decided to write a blog post. But then I thought, “Why write a blog post when I can get AI to write it for me?” That’s right—I outsourced my creativity to a robot. I used to feel guilty about that, but then I remembered I once ate a whole cheesecake while watching a documentary on healthy living. Guilt and I are not close friends.

Using AI to write a blog post is like hiring a personal trainer who does the push-ups for you. You just sit there, sipping coffee, while the AI flexes its algorithmic muscles. I told it, “Make it sound like me—funny, clean, slightly confused by technology.” And it said, “Processing request.” Which is robot for “I got this, human. Go eat another slice of cheesecake.”

The weird part is, the AI is really good. It even added a joke about my laziness before I could. I was like, “Hey! That’s my brand!” But then I realized, if the AI starts doing stand-up, I’m out of a job. I’ll be replaced by a toaster with a tight five on gluten-free bread. “What’s the deal with sourdough starters? They’re like needy pets you can’t cuddle!”

In the end, I still had to read the blog post, tweak a few things, and pretend I did all the work. So technically, I collaborated with AI. It’s like co-writing with someone who never sleeps, never eats, and doesn’t judge you for wearing pajama pants at 3 p.m. Honestly, it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to ask the AI to write a thank-you note to my fridge. It’s been through a lot.

Unknown and Under-Appreciated: The 383rd Greatest Song

 

Here we go again, Rolling Stone  -  another "Greatest Song" that was never released as a single, let alone showed up on a Billboard chart of any persuasion: "Whipping Post" by The Allman Brothers Band.

And you have the nerve to say  -  about a song I've never heard or heard of  -  "This enduring anthem was written on an ironing board in a darkened Florida bedroom by Allman. Leaping off with a rumbling Berry Oakley bass line, rife with tormented blues-ballad imagery and punctuated by Duane Allman's knifelike guitar incisions, the song is best appreciated in the twenty-three-minute incarnation on At Fillmore East."

Well, sorry, but I guess I'm stuck only appreciating the 5-minute version in the lyric video I found on YouTube.

I'll accept that as not being the best amount of appreciation, but hopefully it's not the worst.

Is it okay if I have a modicum of appreciation?

A tad?

What exactly is acceptable in terms of appreciating this thing?

What No One Tells You About Lazarus

 

In the Scriptural account of Lazarus, I am left with a burning question.

For the uninitiated, let me summarize:

Lazarus was the brother of Mary and Martha. The three of them were close friends of Jesus and apparently hosted him and his band of unschooled ruffians at the family homestead from time to time.

As the story goes (in John 11), Lazarus got sick. Mary and Martha sent word to Jesus, hoping he would rush to their side and heal their brother, as they had seen him heal so many others.

Unexpectedly, Jesus didn't jump up, put on his sandals, and hightail it to Bethany. Instead, he waited until Lazarus died, THEN headed out.

He arrived four days after the funeral. They had already wrapped Lazarus up and put him in a tomb. In fact, when Jesus walked to the gravesite and asked for the stone sealing the entrance to be rolled away, Martha warned him that it wasn't going to smell very good. (I love the King James Version at this point: "Lord, by this time, he stinketh.")

But they did as Jesus asked and Jesus brought Lazarus back to life!

It's a great story, and is pivotal in the narrative arc of Jesus being despised and eventually killed through the efforts of the religious leaders in Jerusalem.

But what never gets talked about...by John or any other Biblical writer...is the fact that Lazarus didn't stay resurrected forever. There is no reason to doubt that sometime after all these events, either because of old age, or persecution by the Romans, or getting sick, Lazarus died...again.

Which leads me to my burning question:

Is Lazarus the only person to be re-hearsed?

A Bank, a Pad, and the End of Logic

 

I am concerned about the future of humanity.

Well, to be truthful, I am concerned about the present of humanity and whether there will BE any future.

Let me explain...

I had to go to a local bank and renew my signatory status on a particular account.

I was ushered into a bank associate's office where I sat down, and a small, dark pad with some unknown significance was pushed to my side of the desk. It seems I would be using the attached, inkless pen to sign my name on the pad and my signature would be electromagically placed in a computer document.

The bank associate informed me that "this first signature is to give us permission to use your electronic signature instead of actually signing a piece of paper."

I immediately burst out laughing.

I thought it was hilarious that I was electronically signing something to authorize the electronic signing of things. How could that electronic signature be seen as authoritative without me having already signed such a document?

The bank associate smiled and said, "You're the only person who has ever seen how silly this is."

My concern for humanity's future isn't the irony of electric signatures to authorize electric signatures. My concern for humanity's future is that, out of the hundreds of people this bank associate has walked through the process, I am the only one to notice the irony.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus  -  and bring a pen.

Ticket to Ride in a Squad Car: The 384th Greatest Song

 

Taken at face value, "Ticket to Ride," by The Beatles, is a song about a girl leaving a guy by way of train.

Taken at dictionary value, it's a confusing mess.

For instance...

I think I'm gonna be sad. I think it's today, yeah
The girl that's driving me mad is going away

Question: If the girl's driving you crazy, why would her departure make you sad?

She's got a ticket to ride
But she don't care

She doesn't care that she has a train ticket? So is she going away or isn't she?

She said that living with me is bringing her down, yeah
For she would never be free when I was around

So ... in terms of being driven crazy, who is driving and who is riding?

Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me

Sounds a little threatening, like "If I can't have you, NObody can!"

Makes me think of a different Beatles lyric: "You better run for your life if you can, little girl!"

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime

Beloved's Birthday Poem

 

How charming and delightful
Adorable and cute, with your
Practically
Perfect smile and
Your eyes that stun to boot

But beauty by
Itself could not convince this
Rogue to stay
The thrill of the
Hunt would surely
Drag this
Awful man
Yonder and away

Belief and
Empathy are your
Lovely qualities that
Often seem so rare
Very seldom practiced by
Everyone "out there"
Debbie, I just plain love you and there's no rhyme or reason to it!

Ohio Eats: The 385th Greatest Song

 

There's an unsubstantiated rumor going around ... started when Rolling Stone printed it as if it were true ... that on May 4th, 1970, the National Guard killed four protesters at Kent State University in Ohio.  Well, that part is definitely a substantiated historical fact, but what I'm pretty sure the magazine made up is that Young wrote a fiery indictment of the shootings, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young went right into the studio and rush-released it, knocking its own "Teach Your Children" off the charts.

I'm pretty sure Young had written the song before the tragedy, but rewrote the lyric to make it about the Kent State shootings.

I'm pretty sure these are the original words:

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

Gotta get down to Cincy

Or up to Clevelandtown

Where the Polish Boys are rad

But if you're wise, boy

You'll be Barberton-bound

For the best chicken you've ever had

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

https://youtu.be/5pV-Yug-UXI?si=Zp3-FsJRCnWsbVZm

Place Title Here

 

There are times, when I haven't been reminded of some humorous incident from my childhood or when it's not a particular holiday or it's not time to write about the next song in Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," when I just sit down at the keyboard and start typing...and hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips.

Any post under the tag "improvisation" is created that way.

Often, I end up writing a poem. Even if it's not funny, the fact that it rhymes will impress enough people to get a few clicks. At least that's the idea.

But now, here I am, four paragraphs deep into a piece of prose with no prior planning or an inkling of an idea of what to say...and my hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips seems to be absolutely groundless.

Like a bottomless pit.

Like a bag of roasted coffee beans.

Like the accusation that I'm independently wealthy and more handsome than Brad Pitt.

That's right, I'm a funny guy...

...but looks aren't everything.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VII

 

The orange powder left on your hands after eating Cheetos is called "cheetle".

The two main male characters of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Leonard, were named in honor of the actor who played Nick the Bartender in It's a Wonderful Life.

According to a producer I know, Miley Cyrus can't carry a tune...at all.

The stories that say Karen Carpenter was on a popcorn-only diet are unsubstantiated rumors.

James Taylor's first single, "Carolina in My Mind," was released on The Beatles' Apple Records.

♫♪ Dewey Dewey Bo-Bewey, Banana Fanna Fo-Fooey, Fee Fi Mo-Mooey...Dewey! ♪♫

Before he was Gilligan, Bob Denver co-starred as a beatnik on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

On Sesame Street, Caroll Spinney was both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

When extended, a frog's tongue is about a third as long as the frog  -  as if our own tongues reached our belly buttons!

Chihuahua's are the world's smallest breed of dog...even though they look like rats.

Cure for Insomnia: The 386th Greatest Song

 

Before going through Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, I had never heard of I Know You Got Soul, by Eric B and Rakim. And it never showed up on any Billboard charts, either.

So why is it on this list of greatest songs ever?

Must have a beautiful melody, right?

Wrong.

It's an old school rap: Rhythmic talking over a sterile beat and a few record scratches.

Well then, the lyric must be amazing, right?

Wrong.

Consider the world-changing opening foursome:

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you

Without a strong rhyme to step to

Think of how many weak shows you slept through

Time's up, I'm sorry I kept you

Yeah...well...I'm sorry, too. Sorry I hung around long enough to listen to the whole waste of megabits.

And I feel that from the bottom of the soul I got.

Almost the News XXXII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Two Face Federal Charges in 900-pound Meth Bust
Man! What cup size would that be?

Wheelchair Games Draw Veterans from 41 States
"Look! In this one, I've got the drill sergeant actually smiling."

With Scores Still Missing, a Quest to 'Find Every Soul'
Fans of the Ghost Hunters television series will be glad to know the show will continue, even without background music.

GOP Wants Larger Field in Race for Governor
...otherwise, the runners will always be turning, with no straightaways at all.

Democrats Attack Trump's Tax Bill
Led by Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego, the attack started by coming up the bill's right flank and then sweeping across its path with a barrage of amendments.

U.S. Stocks Back Off Slightly from Highs
"Health reasons" were given as the catalyst for smoking less dope.

Senators Press UHG After Latest Hack
"Once again," said Senator Imma Taylor, "the person we hired for the job failed. He left the UHG so wrinkled, we just had to do the job ourselves."

One Week From Today

 

One week from today
will be three days before you see this
and I will be four days into a trip.
A trip a-way out west
between Billings and Phoenix
(as if you all could even give a rip)

The day after you read this
some nuptials will be celebrated
by a couple unknown to you
She's a grandniece of Beloved
He's a fella, highly-rated
and I'm going for the barbecue

Two weeks from today
our journey will be ended
We'll pull into our drive once more
Perhaps I'll wish these
dates could be amended
More likely, I'll collapse down to the floor

All the Clouds Are Tired of Dancin': The 387th Greatest Song

 

So far, this series of posts on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time has included many a rewritten lyric, plenty of parodies, and several outright lies.

For Elton John's Tiny Dancer, the WorldWideWackfest has beaten me to it, most notably, with the replacement of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer" with "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

But what about:

• Hold my clothes, Sir Tony Danza.
• Old mean Joseph, mighty Panzer
• Told my story. Might have pantsed her.
• Old meat closed her briny answer

But none of these can match trying to make sense out of the actual lyric:

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Also known as:

Hang on tight, baby, and try to watch the road for me because I'm going to lie down and take a nap...even though YOU'RE the one who's actually been doing anything at all today.

Ah, Bernie Taupin, you're a master.

What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.

The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Amazon Amazement: I'm on the Best Sellers List

 

In an exercise of utter ego and self-importance, and to test-drive the capabilities of Amazon's direct publishing services, I have created an official piece of Almost the Truth merch that you can customize into your own vision of what a book should be.

Because you'll be the one writing it.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a diary if you want.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a low-tech repository of your ideas.

It's called a journal, but you can  ---  yeah, well...it's a book with 150 blank pages.

But the amazing thing is that it has made Amazon's Best Sellers list!

Wait a minute...I may have cropped that screenshot a little.

There. That's better.

But where it lands in that list has nothing to do with me. Remember, YOU'RE the author!

And here's where you can buy your book: https://a.co/d/ev9ZGP7

150 lined pages for you to write your own stuph on. Document your life. Create analog reminders of your brilliant ideas. Preserve for posterity a turn of phrase, a probing question, or an awesome recipe. The contents of this book are up to you because you're the one writing it...fact or fiction.

Greasepaint Love: The 388th Greatest Song

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Sting came up with the idea for [Roxanne] while wandering around the red-light district of Paris after a canceled show, wondering what it would be like to be in love with a prostitute."

What if he had been wandering around a circus and wondering what it would be like to be in love with a clown?

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose
Those days are over
You don't have to seltzer friends through that rose

Roxanne
You don't have to wear those shoes tonight
Flap your feet for money
You don't have to greasepaint your face white

I loved you since you popped out
Of that tiny little car
You think you're just a fool
But I know that you're a star

I know my mind is made up
So put away your make-up
Told you once, I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose

Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It

Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)

#MakeAMovieUnderwhelming Deux

 

Ten years ago yesterday, I published a list on this topic. It may be high time for a second edition.

So hi, Time, and welcome to a world where Hollywood just isn't as exciting as it thinks it is.

• The Demi-God Father
• The Dark Serf
• 12 Slightly-Miffed Men
• The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript
• Heated Argument Club
• One Stepped Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• 6ix
• It's an Okay Life
• The Green Furlong
• The Accordionist
• Sadiator
• The Stray Cat King
• Raiders of the Temporarily-Misplaced Suitcase

• Average Will Hunting
• Bravekidney
• Singin' in the 20% Chance of Showers
• Larry of Arcadia
• Full Plastic Jacket
• To Sicken a Mockingbird
• The Chihuahua of Wall Street
• A Fistful of Dimes
• Some Like It Lukewarm
• The Fifth Sense
• The Fourth Element
• Looking for Nemo
• Thousand Dollar Baby
• How to Train Your Dragonfly
• Mr. Smith Goes to Topeka
• Star Disagreements Episode Five: The HOA Retaliates

Creepers Gonna Creep: The 389th Greatest Song

 

The opening paragraph at Songfacts.com about the 389th greatest song of all time gives a brief-but-accurate description of the lyrical content of "Just My Imagination" by the Temptations:

The song is about a guy who is madly in love with a girl, but they're only together in his imagination. Every day, he watches her walk by his window, and in his reverie, he pictures their life together. In reality, she doesn't even know him.

What the bare facts and the dreamy musical arrangement fail to capture is how undeniably creepy the song is:

Each day through my window I watch her as she passes by
I say to myself, "You're such a lucky guy"
To have a girl like her is truly a dream come true
Out of all the fellows in the world, she belongs to you

Soon we'll be married and raise a family
A cozy little home out in the country
With two children, maybe three
I tell you I can visualize it all
This couldn't be a dream, for too real it all seems

Ev'ry night on my knees I pray
"Dear Lord, hear my plea
Don't ever let another take her love from me"
Or I will surely die
Her love is heavenly
When her arms enfold me
I hear a tender rhapsody
But in reality
She doesn't even know me

Girl...you need to get yourself a restraining order ASAP!

Mouse in My Pants

 

It was sometime in the late 1960s or early 1970s. I was somewhere between 10 and 14...maybe 15. I was on the second floor of our barn in Northeastern Indiana, "helping" my dad clean out the corn crib.

I say "helping" because I remember doing a lot of watching and very little actual shoveling or sweeping.

Times being when they were, I was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of, if not official bell-bottoms, at least a pair of pants with a healthy flare at the end of each leg.

This proved to be a poor choice in attire.

There were several ears of corn trapped between some slats of wood and the outer wall of the barn. When FlatulenceKing (my father) yanked on those slats, a mouse ran out from the comfort of its corn palace, across the barn floor, and directly into the warm safety of my pants' leg.

To be precise, the little varmint hooked its claws into the inside of my left pant leg and headed north as fast as it could scamper.

I trapped it against my thigh just as it reached the halfway point between my knee and my future generations.

With panic on my face and in my voice, I exclaimed, "What do I do?!?"

Dad grinned and said, "Squeeze as hard as you can."

Well...you can bet your sweet bippy I squeezed as hard as I could. I squeezed until my fingernails drew blood from the heel of my hand through two layers of fabric.

And then the moment of truth.

I released my deathgrip, vigorously shook my leg, and watched the flea-taxi hit the floor and scamper away.

Then I had to go help my dad get off the floor...where he was rolling and laughing.

Why Do I Even WATCH Television?

 

I freely admit to being a television junkie during my growing-up years. I told the time by what was on television. I estimated how long an activity would take using units of time called "sitcoms", e.g., "It should only take me two Hogan's Heroes to get that done."

But as I've matured, I find myself getting irritated by things I see on TV that don't make sense to me at all:

• Self-important people who think that yelling “Find my son…now!” has some kind of positive effect on the performance of the personnel of the Missing Persons Unit.
• Police officers who reject the idea of walking up to a suspect and instead, from 20 yards away, announce, “Jimmy Logan, we’re the police and we need to talk to you!” (Invariably creating the next item on my list.)
• Suspects who think they can get away from the police by running down a crowded sidewalk.
• Suspects who think they can outdraw a police officer who ALREADY has a gun aimed at them.
• Doctors who shout "Page Neuro!" to absolutely no one else standing there.
• Heart monitor alarms that burst into loud action in the middle of a routine operation because that's the only way the writers can pack any excitement whatsoever into four people standing around a bloody mannequin. 

Maybe I should read more books.