A Bank, a Pad, and the End of Logic

 

I am concerned about the future of humanity.

Well, to be truthful, I am concerned about the present of humanity and whether there will BE any future.

Let me explain...

I had to go to a local bank and renew my signatory status on a particular account.

I was ushered into a bank associate's office where I sat down, and a small, dark pad with some unknown significance was pushed to my side of the desk. It seems I would be using the attached, inkless pen to sign my name on the pad and my signature would be electromagically placed in a computer document.

The bank associate informed me that "this first signature is to give us permission to use your electronic signature instead of actually signing a piece of paper."

I immediately burst out laughing.

I thought it was hilarious that I was electronically signing something to authorize the electronic signing of things. How could that electronic signature be seen as authoritative without me having already signed such a document?

The bank associate smiled and said, "You're the only person who has ever seen how silly this is."

My concern for humanity's future isn't the irony of electric signatures to authorize electric signatures. My concern for humanity's future is that, out of the hundreds of people this bank associate has walked through the process, I am the only one to notice the irony.

Come quickly, Lord Jesus  -  and bring a pen.

Ticket to Ride in a Squad Car: The 384th Greatest Song

 

Taken at face value, "Ticket to Ride," by The Beatles, is a song about a girl leaving a guy by way of train.

Taken at dictionary value, it's a confusing mess.

For instance...

I think I'm gonna be sad. I think it's today, yeah
The girl that's driving me mad is going away

Question: If the girl's driving you crazy, why would her departure make you sad?

She's got a ticket to ride
But she don't care

She doesn't care that she has a train ticket? So is she going away or isn't she?

She said that living with me is bringing her down, yeah
For she would never be free when I was around

So ... in terms of being driven crazy, who is driving and who is riding?

Before she gets to saying goodbye
She ought to think twice
She ought to do right by me

Sounds a little threatening, like "If I can't have you, NObody can!"

Makes me think of a different Beatles lyric: "You better run for your life if you can, little girl!"

#AlmostThePrez

 

Beware! The names of the presidents of the United States of America have been almostified!

George "SheWoreA" Washington

John Adams Lager

Thomas Jeffersonny Bono

James "SnackCakes" Madison

James Monroeroe Yurboat

John Quincy Addams Family

Andrew Jackson (owes me twenty dollars)

Martin Van Halen

William Henry Ford Harrison Ford

John Tyler and Aerosmith

James K. Yolk, Chicken Farmer

Zachary "Braff" Taylor

Millard "DoubleStuph Oreo" Fillmore

Franklin Earpierce

James Bucchanal

Abraham Isaac N. Jaylincoln

Andrew "Magic" Johnson

Loulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Haze

James "LasagnaButt" Garfield

Chester A. Cheetah

BlueAndFurry Grover Cleveland

Benjammin' Harrison

William McKinsey Report

AlvinSimon Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard "BigAsA" Raft

Woody Wilson

Warren Peace Harding

Calvin Pooledge

Herbert Dyson

Franklin D. Rosebud

Harry S. Trudini

Dwight D. Lederhosen

John F. Ken Needy

Lyndon B. Johnson & Johnson

Richard Nikon

Gerald Ford Fairlane

Jimminy Cricket Carter

Ronald Raygun

George Havva W. Busch

Bill Clinique

George W. Bushwack

Barack O'Alabama

Donald Trunk

Joe BidenHisTime

Beloved's Birthday Poem

 

How charming and delightful
Adorable and cute, with your
Practically
Perfect smile and
Your eyes that stun to boot

But beauty by
Itself could not convince this
Rogue to stay
The thrill of the
Hunt would surely
Drag this
Awful man
Yonder and away

Belief and
Empathy are your
Lovely qualities that
Often seem so rare
Very seldom practiced by
Everyone "out there"
Debbie, I just plain love you and there's no rhyme or reason to it!

Ohio Eats: The 385th Greatest Song

 

There's an unsubstantiated rumor going around ... started when Rolling Stone printed it as if it were true ... that on May 4th, 1970, the National Guard killed four protesters at Kent State University in Ohio.  Well, that part is definitely a substantiated historical fact, but what I'm pretty sure the magazine made up is that Young wrote a fiery indictment of the shootings, and Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young went right into the studio and rush-released it, knocking its own "Teach Your Children" off the charts.

I'm pretty sure Young had written the song before the tragedy, but rewrote the lyric to make it about the Kent State shootings.

I'm pretty sure these are the original words:

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

Gotta get down to Cincy

Or up to Clevelandtown

Where the Polish Boys are rad

But if you're wise, boy

You'll be Barberton-bound

For the best chicken you've ever had

LaRosa's and Graeter's ice cream

UDF if you're on the go

Fresh pasta with chili and cheese

To die for in Ohio

https://youtu.be/5pV-Yug-UXI?si=Zp3-FsJRCnWsbVZm

Place Title Here

 

There are times, when I haven't been reminded of some humorous incident from my childhood or when it's not a particular holiday or it's not time to write about the next song in Rolling Stone's list of "The 500 Greatest Songs of All Time," when I just sit down at the keyboard and start typing...and hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips.

Any post under the tag "improvisation" is created that way.

Often, I end up writing a poem. Even if it's not funny, the fact that it rhymes will impress enough people to get a few clicks. At least that's the idea.

But now, here I am, four paragraphs deep into a piece of prose with no prior planning or an inkling of an idea of what to say...and my hope that something worthwhile spills out through my fingertips seems to be absolutely groundless.

Like a bottomless pit.

Like a bag of roasted coffee beans.

Like the accusation that I'm independently wealthy and more handsome than Brad Pitt.

That's right, I'm a funny guy...

...but looks aren't everything.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VII

 

The orange powder left on your hands after eating Cheetos is called "cheetle".

The two main male characters of The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon and Leonard, were named in honor of the actor who played Nick the Bartender in It's a Wonderful Life.

According to a producer I know, Miley Cyrus can't carry a tune...at all.

The stories that say Karen Carpenter was on a popcorn-only diet are unsubstantiated rumors.

James Taylor's first single, "Carolina in My Mind," was released on The Beatles' Apple Records.

♫♪ Dewey Dewey Bo-Bewey, Banana Fanna Fo-Fooey, Fee Fi Mo-Mooey...Dewey! ♪♫

Before he was Gilligan, Bob Denver co-starred as a beatnik on The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis.

On Sesame Street, Caroll Spinney was both Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch.

When extended, a frog's tongue is about a third as long as the frog  -  as if our own tongues reached our belly buttons!

Chihuahua's are the world's smallest breed of dog...even though they look like rats.

Cure for Insomnia: The 386th Greatest Song

 

Before going through Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, I had never heard of I Know You Got Soul, by Eric B and Rakim. And it never showed up on any Billboard charts, either.

So why is it on this list of greatest songs ever?

Must have a beautiful melody, right?

Wrong.

It's an old school rap: Rhythmic talking over a sterile beat and a few record scratches.

Well then, the lyric must be amazing, right?

Wrong.

Consider the world-changing opening foursome:

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you

Without a strong rhyme to step to

Think of how many weak shows you slept through

Time's up, I'm sorry I kept you

Yeah...well...I'm sorry, too. Sorry I hung around long enough to listen to the whole waste of megabits.

And I feel that from the bottom of the soul I got.

Almost the News XXXII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Two Face Federal Charges in 900-pound Meth Bust
Man! What cup size would that be?

Wheelchair Games Draw Veterans from 41 States
"Look! In this one, I've got the drill sergeant actually smiling."

With Scores Still Missing, a Quest to 'Find Every Soul'
Fans of the Ghost Hunters television series will be glad to know the show will continue, even without background music.

GOP Wants Larger Field in Race for Governor
...otherwise, the runners will always be turning, with no straightaways at all.

Democrats Attack Trump's Tax Bill
Led by Arizona Senator Ruben Gallego, the attack started by coming up the bill's right flank and then sweeping across its path with a barrage of amendments.

U.S. Stocks Back Off Slightly from Highs
"Health reasons" were given as the catalyst for smoking less dope.

Senators Press UHG After Latest Hack
"Once again," said Senator Imma Taylor, "the person we hired for the job failed. He left the UHG so wrinkled, we just had to do the job ourselves."

One Week From Today

 

One week from today
will be three days before you see this
and I will be four days into a trip.
A trip a-way out west
between Billings and Phoenix
(as if you all could even give a rip)

The day after you read this
some nuptials will be celebrated
by a couple unknown to you
She's a grandniece of Beloved
He's a fella, highly-rated
and I'm going for the barbecue

Two weeks from today
our journey will be ended
We'll pull into our drive once more
Perhaps I'll wish these
dates could be amended
More likely, I'll collapse down to the floor

All the Clouds Are Tired of Dancin': The 387th Greatest Song

 

So far, this series of posts on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time has included many a rewritten lyric, plenty of parodies, and several outright lies.

For Elton John's Tiny Dancer, the WorldWideWackfest has beaten me to it, most notably, with the replacement of "Hold me closer, tiny dancer" with "Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

But what about:

• Hold my clothes, Sir Tony Danza.
• Old mean Joseph, mighty Panzer
• Told my story. Might have pantsed her.
• Old meat closed her briny answer

But none of these can match trying to make sense out of the actual lyric:

Hold me closer, tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
You had a busy day today

Also known as:

Hang on tight, baby, and try to watch the road for me because I'm going to lie down and take a nap...even though YOU'RE the one who's actually been doing anything at all today.

Ah, Bernie Taupin, you're a master.

What If Spielberg Was in the Star Wars Universe?

 

When I saw this parody poster that injected Stephen Spielberg's original blockbuster Jaws into the entertainment behemoth known as Star Wars, and knowing that Mr. Spielberg and Star Wars creator George Lucas are personal friends, it set my mind to wandering and wondering: What if Spielberg made all his movies part of what took place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Droid Duel  -  A business commuter is pursued and terrorized by a malevolent artoo unit.

Stormtroopers of the Lost Ark  -  Archaeologist Indiana Jones is tasked by the Rebel Alliance to help locate a legendary ancient power, the Ark of the Coruscant, before the Galactic Empire gets it.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial  -  Technically, this movie is already part of the Star Wars canon.

The Color Purple  -  A whole movie about Mace Windu's very special lightsaber

Empirassic Park  -  An industrialist invites some experts to visit his theme park of cloned tauntauns and banthas. After a power failure, the creatures run loose, putting everyone's lives in danger.

Saving Private Wicket-  Following the Battle for Endor, a group of rebel fighters go behind enemy lines to retrieve an ewok whose brothers have been killed in action.

Amazon Amazement: I'm on the Best Sellers List

 

In an exercise of utter ego and self-importance, and to test-drive the capabilities of Amazon's direct publishing services, I have created an official piece of Almost the Truth merch that you can customize into your own vision of what a book should be.

Because you'll be the one writing it.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a diary if you want.

It's called a journal, but you can think of it as a low-tech repository of your ideas.

It's called a journal, but you can  ---  yeah, well...it's a book with 150 blank pages.

But the amazing thing is that it has made Amazon's Best Sellers list!

Wait a minute...I may have cropped that screenshot a little.

There. That's better.

But where it lands in that list has nothing to do with me. Remember, YOU'RE the author!

And here's where you can buy your book: https://a.co/d/ev9ZGP7

150 lined pages for you to write your own stuph on. Document your life. Create analog reminders of your brilliant ideas. Preserve for posterity a turn of phrase, a probing question, or an awesome recipe. The contents of this book are up to you because you're the one writing it...fact or fiction.

Greasepaint Love: The 388th Greatest Song

 

According to Rolling Stone, "Sting came up with the idea for [Roxanne] while wandering around the red-light district of Paris after a canceled show, wondering what it would be like to be in love with a prostitute."

What if he had been wandering around a circus and wondering what it would be like to be in love with a clown?

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose
Those days are over
You don't have to seltzer friends through that rose

Roxanne
You don't have to wear those shoes tonight
Flap your feet for money
You don't have to greasepaint your face white

I loved you since you popped out
Of that tiny little car
You think you're just a fool
But I know that you're a star

I know my mind is made up
So put away your make-up
Told you once, I won't tell you again
It's a bad way

Roxanne
You don't have to put on the red nose

Remove a Letter, Ruin a Band

 

What's in a name?

Maybe a lot.

And maybe there's only a single letter difference between a great band name and...well...not a great band name.

Behold, the Almost the Truth List of Bands That Never Would Have Made It

Le Zeppelin  -  ♫♪ Mademoiselle eez climeeng zee stairway to heavonne ♪♫

Ink Floyd  -  Their only album, The Ark Side of the Moo, sounded like a boat full of cows.

The Beach Oys  -  ♫♪ And we'll have fun, fun, fun till the rabbi takes the brisket away ♪♫

Elvs Presley  -  Picture one of Santa's helpers shaking his hips

Nirvan  -  Perhaps appropriately, they sang the jingle for an anti-inflammatory.

Erosmith  -  Okay, I'm a little surprised some sex-crazed garage band hasn't already used this.

The Ho  -  ♫♪ He's a pimping wizard, our money goes to him... ♪♫

Lack Sabbath  -  I don't know...they're just...missing something.

Meallica  -  They specialize in covers of Weird Al's food-related parodies. 

Dire Traits  -  Their biggest hit was "Sultans of DNA".

Alice Coper  -  ♫♪ I'm eighteen! And I'm getting along! ♪♫

Grateful Dad  -  Kind of like Raffi, but for grown-ups

The Doobie Bothers  -  Singing about being disturbed when smoking dope

The Rolling Tones  -  A barbershop quartet in wheelchairs (Not a bad idea!)

#MakeAMovieUnderwhelming Deux

 

Ten years ago yesterday, I published a list on this topic. It may be high time for a second edition.

So hi, Time, and welcome to a world where Hollywood just isn't as exciting as it thinks it is.

• The Demi-God Father
• The Dark Serf
• 12 Slightly-Miffed Men
• The Good, the Bad, and the Nondescript
• Heated Argument Club
• One Stepped Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• 6ix
• It's an Okay Life
• The Green Furlong
• The Accordionist
• Sadiator
• The Stray Cat King
• Raiders of the Temporarily-Misplaced Suitcase

• Average Will Hunting
• Bravekidney
• Singin' in the 20% Chance of Showers
• Larry of Arcadia
• Full Plastic Jacket
• To Sicken a Mockingbird
• The Chihuahua of Wall Street
• A Fistful of Dimes
• Some Like It Lukewarm
• The Fifth Sense
• The Fourth Element
• Looking for Nemo
• Thousand Dollar Baby
• How to Train Your Dragonfly
• Mr. Smith Goes to Topeka
• Star Disagreements Episode Five: The HOA Retaliates

Creepers Gonna Creep: The 389th Greatest Song

 

The opening paragraph at Songfacts.com about the 389th greatest song of all time gives a brief-but-accurate description of the lyrical content of "Just My Imagination" by the Temptations:

The song is about a guy who is madly in love with a girl, but they're only together in his imagination. Every day, he watches her walk by his window, and in his reverie, he pictures their life together. In reality, she doesn't even know him.

What the bare facts and the dreamy musical arrangement fail to capture is how undeniably creepy the song is:

Each day through my window I watch her as she passes by
I say to myself, "You're such a lucky guy"
To have a girl like her is truly a dream come true
Out of all the fellows in the world, she belongs to you

Soon we'll be married and raise a family
A cozy little home out in the country
With two children, maybe three
I tell you I can visualize it all
This couldn't be a dream, for too real it all seems

Ev'ry night on my knees I pray
"Dear Lord, hear my plea
Don't ever let another take her love from me"
Or I will surely die
Her love is heavenly
When her arms enfold me
I hear a tender rhapsody
But in reality
She doesn't even know me

Girl...you need to get yourself a restraining order ASAP!

Mouse in My Pants

 

It was sometime in the late 1960s or early 1970s. I was somewhere between 10 and 14...maybe 15. I was on the second floor of our barn in Northeastern Indiana, "helping" my dad clean out the corn crib.

I say "helping" because I remember doing a lot of watching and very little actual shoveling or sweeping.

Times being when they were, I was wearing a t-shirt and a pair of, if not official bell-bottoms, at least a pair of pants with a healthy flare at the end of each leg.

This proved to be a poor choice in attire.

There were several ears of corn trapped between some slats of wood and the outer wall of the barn. When FlatulenceKing (my father) yanked on those slats, a mouse ran out from the comfort of its corn palace, across the barn floor, and directly into the warm safety of my pants' leg.

To be precise, the little varmint hooked its claws into the inside of my left pant leg and headed north as fast as it could scamper.

I trapped it against my thigh just as it reached the halfway point between my knee and my future generations.

With panic on my face and in my voice, I exclaimed, "What do I do?!?"

Dad grinned and said, "Squeeze as hard as you can."

Well...you can bet your sweet bippy I squeezed as hard as I could. I squeezed until my fingernails drew blood from the heel of my hand through two layers of fabric.

And then the moment of truth.

I released my deathgrip, vigorously shook my leg, and watched the flea-taxi hit the floor and scamper away.

Then I had to go help my dad get off the floor...where he was rolling and laughing.

Why Do I Even WATCH Television?

 

I freely admit to being a television junkie during my growing-up years. I told the time by what was on television. I estimated how long an activity would take using units of time called "sitcoms", e.g., "It should only take me two Hogan's Heroes to get that done."

But as I've matured, I find myself getting irritated by things I see on TV that don't make sense to me at all:

• Self-important people who think that yelling “Find my son…now!” has some kind of positive effect on the performance of the personnel of the Missing Persons Unit.
• Police officers who reject the idea of walking up to a suspect and instead, from 20 yards away, announce, “Jimmy Logan, we’re the police and we need to talk to you!” (Invariably creating the next item on my list.)
• Suspects who think they can get away from the police by running down a crowded sidewalk.
• Suspects who think they can outdraw a police officer who ALREADY has a gun aimed at them.
• Doctors who shout "Page Neuro!" to absolutely no one else standing there.
• Heart monitor alarms that burst into loud action in the middle of a routine operation because that's the only way the writers can pack any excitement whatsoever into four people standing around a bloody mannequin. 

Maybe I should read more books.

#MusicToGainWeightBy: The 390th Greatest Song

 

In 1964, The Four Tops had been a touring musical act for a decade, but without a major hit. Then, following a gig in a Detroit bar, songwriter Brian Holland invited them to the Motown studios, where they spent the rest of the night recording what would be the group's first million-seller...making it to Number 11 on the Billboard Hot 100.

The thing is, "Baby, I Need Your Lovin'," by The Four Tops, didn't start out as a depressed cry from a lonesome loser. Before the lyric was revised, it was a Weird-Al-worthy plea for some home cooking.

Baby, I need your oven

Baby, I need your oven

Although you're far away

My friends often hear me say

Another pie, another cake

I love all the things you bake

'Cause I'm so hungry

Baby, I need your oven

Got to have all your oven

Some say it's a sign of weakness

For a man to beg

Then weak I'd rather be found

If it means havin' you around

'Cause lately I've been losin' pounds

Baby, I need your oven

Got to have all your oven

In a totally unrelated story, lead singer Levi Stubbs gained 12 pounds while recording this song.

Almost the News XXXI

 

Real Headlines. Fake News

South Korea's Impeached President Formally Arrested
It was a black-tie affair at the Seoul Jail

Manure Practices Harming Well Water
Coach Taurus Scat is quoted as saying "I think we'll have it down pat in time for the weekend."

Waterlogged South, Midwest Face Rising Rivers, Flash Floods
No word yet on the filing of charges for indecent exposure

Fed Up, State GOP Fights Far-right Group
Party spokesperson, O. Penmouth, said, "There's no way we were going to try this on an empty stomach."

Clinton Remembers Oklahoma City Bombing
The former president is quoted as saying, "Now, if only I could remember where I left my phone."

Teachers Accuse Board of Meddling
Ossian Elementary's Mrs. Hunter: "Stupid piece of wood has no business even expressing an opinion."

Echolocution Revisted

 

Consider, dear reader, the lowly contronym: a single word with two contradictory meanings. They don't happen often, but when they do, sentences become ... let's just say ... unique.

Release the door's bolt so I can bolt out of here.

I would be bound for Phoenix, if only my feet were not bound.

The restaurant had to garnish the chef's wages to be able to garnish the entrees.

She has a real servant's heart. She can't help but help.

We need to dust this room for fingerprints before the maid comes in to dust.

Make this rope fast to the rail, and do it fast.

We always do personalized work. It is our custom to do a custom job.

There is only one person left in the room. Everyone else left.

Here's something I'd like to throw out for your consideration: Let's throw out all members who haven't paid their dues.

Don't trip as you make your trip up the aisle.

Let's wind up this top, let it go, and try to guess where it might wind up.

If the bridge doesn't hold up, it's going to hold up traffic.

Let's put out feelers to see who can put out the fire.

A strike is when the batter fails to strike the ball.

The alarm is going off! Somebody needs to turn it off!

I need to lose weight. Otherwise, my belt buckle might buckle under the stress.

Please overlook this task so nothing gets overlooked.

The committee chose to sanction the sanction of plastic bags. (The committee approved the boycott of plastic bags.)

We're going to weather the stormy weather in this weathered barn. (Why am I weeding this sentence wike Elmer Fudd?)

The Unconsummated Marriage: The 391st Greatest Song

 

In its day, "Band of Gold," by Freda Payne, sparked a bit of controversy: Was it about an impotent man or a frigid woman? Here are the lyrics that had tongues wagging...

We kissed after taking vows

But that night on our honeymoon

We stayed in separate rooms

I understand how a person could think that situation was the result of a romantic mishap, but I don't think that interpretation is required. I mean, maybe their hotel reservation got messed up or something!

Okay, I admit the next verse leans a little more toward the sexual dysfunction theory:

I wait in the darkness of my lonely room

Filled with sadness, filled with gloom

Hoping soon

That you'll walk back through that door

And love me like you tried before

But what people forget is that the whole relationship apparently started with a violent abduction:

You took me from the shelter of my mother

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Then again, maybe the groom just got freaked out by the seven fingers on his bride's right hand.

SNL, Disney, and My Cowbell Embarrassment

 

Apparently, I'm weird.

Well ... maybe unique is a better word.

Case in point:

Back in the days when Will Ferrel was a Saturday Night Live cast member, there was a particular sketch featuring Mr. Ferrel in a too-small-for-him shirt, playing cowbell as Blue Oyster Cult records their hit, "Don't Fear the Reaper." As the record producer, Christopher Walken repeatedly interrupts the recording to ask for ... and later, forcefully demand ... more cowbell.

It was pretty hilarious and even ended up being featured as a whole episode of the recent docuseries on SNL's 50 years of existence.

Okay ... now ...

Go back to the theatrical release of Disney's "live action" remake of The Jungle Book. I'm sitting in a packed movie theater. Mowgli is sitting in the orangutans' temple, which is strewn with found objects and treasures collected by the apes, about to meet their monarch, King Louie.

With the what-I-thought-was-common knowledge that Christopher Walken was the voice of King Louie, I saw Mowgli reach into the pile of stuph and pull out, with curiosity and confusion, a cowbell.

I laughed mightily.

I was the only one.

Apparently, I'm weird.

The Superiority of Technology Strikes Again

 

WHEREAS...
In terms of the age of the universe, it wasn't very long ago when I was desperately applying for any and all technical writer positions within driving distance of my domicile.

THEREFOR...
I still get contacted from time to time by recruiters hoping to receive a placement fee by getting me hired for some 6-month contract or other.

THE ISSUE IS...
     1.  I am no longer searching for a short-term contract job to keep my head above water.
     2.  I do not answer calls from anyone not in my phone's contact list.
     3.  Most of the recruiters who leave messages are apparently calling from a particular sub-continent known for having call centers and considering cows sacred.
     4.  The transcription robot for my voicemail doesn't do well with heavy accents.

FOR INSTANCE...
The following is an exact reproduction of a transcript of a recent voice message:

Hi June this site Fasel I'm calling you from CCS global tech. This call is regarding the position of technical right foot in Saint Paul Minnesota so if you're available in the job market, you can always call me back on my number that 610-******* all you can I have shared you the job description from my email that thought about that sea global tech. You can always go ahead and vote me on the seat. Thank you.

Technical right foot...Is that a motorized prosthesis?

Also...my dad voted me on the seat more than once. It was never a pleasant experience.

Ewww Child: The 392nd Greatest Song

 

I admit to having a fondness for the 392nd-greatest song of all time, "O-o-h Child" by the Five Stairsteps. This family group of 4 brothers and one sister had a Top 40 hit on their hands that was "uplifting and encouraging."

And the lyric rang with hope:

Ooh child

Things are gonna be easier

Ooh child

Things'll be brighter

The song certainly made things easier for the singers, because that simple 4-line chorus was sung six times, comprising 50% of the song.

And the song certainly made it easy for the musicians, too, because the chord progression and basic melody of those 4 lines comprised 100% of the song!

No joke: When they moved on from singing "Ooh child, things...," they kept the same structure and sang, "Some day, we'll get it together..."

Then finally, for the repeated coda, they switch to the upbeat declaration that all this wonderful increased ease and brightness and getting things together was going to happen "right now."

Let's see about that.

The song was released, and started spreading its message of joyful hope and immediate change in April of 1970.

• April 10 - Paul McCartney announces the official break-up of The Beatles
• April 11 - Apollo 13 launches (and we all know how great that worked out)
• April 30 - U.S. troops invade Cambodia
• May 4 - 4 student anti-war protesters killed at Kent State University
• June 16 - Race riots erupt in Miami, Florida
• June 23 - Chubby "Let's Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer" Checker arrested for marijuana possession

So yeah...happy, happy, joy, joy...but wrong.

What's So Good About Good Friday?

 

Excuse me for temporarily laying aside the garment of guffahs and following in the footsteps of comic strip creator Johnny Hart by quickly explaining why today is called what today is called.

Not only am I following in his footsteps; I'm stealing his actual explanation:

Never mind that this comic strip is titled B.C. Thinking about that will turn your brain to mush.

Have a blessed Good Friday!

Rhyming Colors (Happy Birthday, Joel Grey!)

 

Tony-, Grammy-, and Oscar-winning actor and singer, Joel Grey, turns 93 today.

It gets me thinking about other famous people with colorful names...

Jack Black, who is white.
Barry White, black as night.
Betty White, who died on New Year's Eve.
Then there's Pink, the singer bold
Thank you for being a friend, Andrew Gold
We've lost James Brown, so let us grieve

Red Skelton, ancient comic clown
Red Buttons, never made us frown
Two Dees and Exes for Redd Foxx
Baseball player, Vida Blue
Al Green sang of loving you
And now I've rhymed myself into a box

Bummer in the City: The 393rd Greatest Song

 

It's interesting what a person will write a song about.

In the Lovin' Spoonful's Number One hit, "Summer in the City," John Sebastian complains about how hot a summer day can be in a big city:

• Back of my neck getting dirty and gritty
• Doesn't seem to be a shadow in the city
• Sidewalk hotter than a match head

But then the sun goes down and the fun begins:

• Go out and find a girl
• Cool cat looking for a kitty
• Gonna meet you on the rooftop

But hey, fantasizing about romantic encounters is better song material than actual big-city nightlife:

Sundown, city gettin' dark

Gangs overtakin' every inch of the park

Cool cat, beefin' up the kitty

Five Card Stud being played with no pity

Got robbed waitin' at the bus stop

Running up the stairs, tryin' to hide on the rooftop

Sinatra was right: If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.