Beloved and I received a wedding invitation that has thrown us for a loop.
The earliness of the invitation in relation to the date of the event is fine.
The expected level of attire and decorum is well within the boundaries of reason.
However...
The menu options...oh my...
As a grandparent, I have been known to say "You're so sweet, I could just gobble you up," but I never expected to be taken seriously.
Twisting letters. Twisting plots.
"Can't Help Falling in Love" was given to Elvis for his movie Blue Hawaii, but it was originally written for an unproduced film, White Minnesota.
I had a laughable conversation with a friend.
He told me his wife has an...interesting...behavior pattern when they are relaxing on the couch watching a television show or movie.
Apparently, she feels it is necessary to point out to her husband whenever an actor she considers good-looking appears on the screen.
As in "That guy right there is good-looking. I'm just saying."
My friend wasn't sure what kind of societal catastrophe or black hole of ignorance was being avoided by her "just saying" this information.
I said I wasn't sure either, but I AM sure of something else: He would be wise to refrain from returning the favor. You know, just keep his opinions about the relative attractiveness of any given actress completely to himself.
Neither of us wanted to even think about how that exchange would go down.
Then my friend added this "ba-dum-tiss" final thought: "And the thing is. None of these so-called good-looking men look anything at all like me."
Here in the final throes of winter (which, in Minnesota, could go on for another two months), it is important to find joy in even the simplest things in life.
Take grocery shopping.
Please.
I am blessed that Beloved deems herself to be totally capable of shopping for groceries by herself. (I try to tell myself it has nothing to do with a lack of faith in MY ability to do it.) Even so, there are times when I tag along to push the cart and reach things on the top shelf.
It was during just such an excursion recently that I observed the following absurdity:
A profound question indeed.
Makes me ponder:
* Baby Needs Hygiene Paper
(Well duh)
* Cereal Bug Killer
(Call Criminal Minds!)
* Soda Chips Artichoke
(So, the chips are to choke)
Writer/Producer Shadow Morton claims to have written "Remember (Walkin' in the Sand)" in 20 minutes on the way to the studio.
I believe him.
A few things about this:
1. The simple rhymes and barely-moving melody line not only make me believe he wrote it in 20 minutes, but it also makes me wonder why it took that long.
2. AND...why does Rolling Stone consider it the 395th Greatest Song of All Time?
3. Let me get this straight. The boyfriend moved across the ocean and TWO YEARS LATER sends a "Dear Jane" letter?
4. AND...after all that time, the jilted girlfriend is distraught and bewildered? Like she didn't see it coming?
P.S. The one thing that probably made Shadow Morton proud to have the writing credit for this dreck is how many times the "Oh no no no no" line has been used in commercials. ♫♪ Baby, you're a rich man ♪♫
Your Eyes
'Tis a sorrowful thing to realize that local newspapers are dying off at an alarming rate. Where else could a person read a gem of a police report like I saw recently?
Officers took a suspicious activity call at 17XXX Gerdine Path. The homeowners reported an unknown male walking underneath their deck, attempting to take down their security camera. The male was wearing a face covering and a black robe. He left after unsuccessfully removing the camera. No suspect information at this time.
I have a few questions:
And the thing I'm most curious about...
How does one unsuccessfully remove a camera?
I can understand how someone could be unsuccessful in an attempt to remove a camera, but that's not what the police report says!
There's a recurring bit on Stephen Colbert's version of The Late Show called "The Colbert Questionnaire." The host laments how the normal talk show interview is fairly shallow and seldom leads to a deep understanding of the celebrity being interviewed. He then says the show has scientifically compiled a list of questions that will cut through all the glitter and fakery of show-business-as-usual and, when answered with candor, will result in the person being "known."
At this point of my life, I've become fairly certain that my dream of celebrity status and having talk shows want me as a guest will never come to pass. But why should that deprive the world of hearing my responses and knowing my deepest heart of hearts? *
What is the best sandwich?
Wendy's Baconator, followed closely by Jimmy John's Italian Night Club
What is one thing you own that you should really throw out?
A star-spangled motorcycle leather jacket
What is the scariest animal?
Possum, or as the suave and debonair say, opossum. They are nothing more than huge rats whose go-to response upon seeing you is to bare their razor-sharp teeth and hiss.
Apples or oranges?
Apples, but only if they are covered with butter, sugar, and cinnamon and baked to within a millimeter of being applesauce.
Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yes. During the summer I worked as a janitor at Foellinger Amphitheatre in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Mitzi Gaynor sang and danced on our stage and I got her autograph for the benefit of my then-fiance, the woman now known as Beloved.
What do you think happens when we die?
In 2 Corinthians 5:8, the Apostle Paul said that when we are absent from the body we are present with the Lord, but I'm not sure about the timing of all that. Am I "in heaven" the moment I die, or is there some kind of transitional housing where we all wait around until the end of time?
Favorite action movie?
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: "My soul is prepared, Doctor Jones. How is yours?"
Window or aisle?
Aisle (for bathroom access). Also, Beloved prefers the window, so there's that.
Favorite smell?
Baby lotion
Least favorite smell?
Vomit
Earliest memory?
Walking up behind my dad as he was watching The Wizard of Oz. (For the full story, go to "In My Beginning."
Cats or dogs?
The unconditional love of dogs toward mankind is unearned and unequaled among earthly creatures. (See Wendy Francisco's "God and Dog")
You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?
Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon singing "What a Wonderful World"
What is the most-used app on your phone?
I don't have any hard data on this, but I'm pretty sure it must be Facebook. Either that or Royal Match. (How sad is that?)
Describe the rest of your life in five words
Jesus, Family, Love, Laughter, Music
_______
* Full disclosure: There have been a few versions of this 15-question list over the years. I have distilled this list in such a way as to avoid my two least-favorite questions:
1) What was your first concert? (I don't like this question because I have no idea how to answer it, other than to say it was probably a gospel quartet on a Sunday night at my childhood church.)
2) What number am I thinking of? (How does that reveal anything about me? Besides, no matter what the celebrity's answer is, Colbert always says, "No.")
In spite of being a song that was never released as a single by a group I've never heard of, Big Star's "Thirteen" somehow made it into Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time at Number 396.
I almost suspect it's because the lyric mentions "Paint It Black"...a hit for the magazine's namesake band. (Pretty flimsy reason, considering it's only 3% of the song's lyric.)
Big Star frontman, Alex Chilton, wrote the acoustic ballad about two kids in love with rock & roll, and admitted, "It's simple musically. I was still learning to play and stuff."
I wonder what he meant by "and stuff."
As in...who did he have to sleep with in order to get the song noticed by a national magazine?
Not that I'm jealous or anything.
Dear Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon,
None of us knows how many days we have left on this planet, so I need to plant this seed while all four of us are still breathing.
1) My answer to the question "If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?" is your 1978 recording of Sam Cooke's "(What a) Wonderful World." Your interplaying vocals and the slow, sweet arrangement make it one of my life's most satisfying listening experiences.
2) There is a need... a deep, aching need...for a similar treatment of Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World."
Do I need to sell the idea any more? Seriously, what could be better than hearing your three voices caress that tune together?
While it's still possible. While you're all still able.
Please.
Make this happen.
With love and respect,
Dewey Roth
I've been known to crack wise about signs in restaurants' restrooms forcing me to wait for an employee to show up and wash my hands for me. You know..."Employees must wash hands before returning to work."
That's based on reading the signs in a very strict manner, but I can find absolutely NO way to read the following sign that would result in me being willing to have McDonalds put ice in my drink.
Yee...and may I say...IKES!
In past times passed
Pipes that leeched lead led to untimely deaths
And 'twasn't a rare thing when bread bred old mold
Did you ever break a brake?
It's a hard habit to halt
Your ewe of yore would need an aide to aid her
I bid bye-bye by buying passage
On a plain plane to two towns
I soon sighted the sites from somewhere in the air
I was sealing my ceiling
When I sensed a scent that sent me reeling
Checking if I needed to close my clothes
But still...
I know no reason to not knot my mai tai tie.
"Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult has to be the strangest attempt to ask a girl out that has ever been composed.
Behold...
You get what it's saying, right?
Yee...and may I say...ikes!
