The Colbert Questionnaire

 

There's a recurring bit on Stephen Colbert's version of The Late Show called "The Colbert Questionnaire." The host laments how the normal talk show interview is fairly shallow and seldom leads to a deep understanding of the celebrity being interviewed. He then says the show has scientifically compiled a list of questions that will cut through all the glitter and fakery of show-business-as-usual and, when answered with candor, will result in the person being "known."

At this point of my life, I've become fairly certain that my dream of celebrity status and having talk shows want me as a guest will never come to pass. But why should that deprive the world of hearing my responses and knowing my deepest heart of hearts? *

What is the best sandwich?
Wendy's Baconator, followed closely by Jimmy John's Italian Night Club

What is one thing you own that you should really throw out?
A star-spangled motorcycle leather jacket

What is the scariest animal?
Possum, or as the suave and debonair say, opossum. They are nothing more than huge rats whose go-to response upon seeing you is to bare their razor-sharp teeth and hiss.

Apples or oranges?
Apples, but only if they are covered with butter, sugar, and cinnamon and baked to within a millimeter of being applesauce.

Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yes. During the summer I worked as a janitor at Foellinger Amphitheatre in Fort Wayne, Indiana, Mitzi Gaynor sang and danced on our stage and I got her autograph for the benefit of my then-fiance, the woman now known as Beloved.

What do you think happens when we die?
In 2 Corinthians 5:8, the Apostle Paul said that when we are absent from the body we are present with the Lord, but I'm not sure about the timing of all that. Am I "in heaven" the moment I die, or is there some kind of transitional housing where we all wait around until the end of time? 

Favorite action movie?
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade: "My soul is prepared, Doctor Jones. How is yours?"

Window or aisle?
Aisle (for bathroom access). Also, Beloved prefers the window, so there's that.

Favorite smell?
Baby lotion

Least favorite smell?
Vomit

Earliest memory?
Walking up behind my dad as he was watching The Wizard of Oz. (For the full story, go to "In My Beginning."

Cats or dogs?
The unconditional love of dogs toward mankind is unearned and unequaled among earthly creatures. (See Wendy Francisco's "God and Dog")

You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. What is it?
Art Garfunkel, James Taylor, and Paul Simon singing "What a Wonderful World"

What is the most-used app on your phone?
I don't have any hard data on this, but I'm pretty sure it must be Facebook. Either that or Royal Match. (How sad is that?)

Describe the rest of your life in five words
Jesus, Family, Love, Laughter, Music

_______
* Full disclosure: There have been a few versions of this 15-question list over the years. I have distilled this list in such a way as to avoid my two least-favorite questions:
       1) What was your first concert? (I don't like this question because I have no idea how to answer it, other than to say it was probably a gospel quartet on a Sunday night at my childhood church.)
       2) What number am I thinking of? (How does that reveal anything about me? Besides, no matter what the celebrity's answer is, Colbert always says, "No.")