Birthday Blues

In memory of the recent anniversary of the day of my birth:

(To the tune of "Sixteen Candles")
Sixteen candles...
Times three point six two five
That's how long I've been alive
Can you believe this jive?!!?

Blow out my candles
It might take a crowd
And I'm not too proud
To ask you to sing loud

(To the tune of "You're 16 [You're Beautiful and You're Mine]")
I may be your worst nightmare
Losing my hair
But Mama didn't raise no fool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

I'm all wrinkled and plain
With major joint pain
I can't do laps in a pool
I'm 58
I'm balding
But I'm cool

(To the tune of "Sixteen Tons")
You live 52 weeks, and what will transpire?
You're one year older and harder to hire.
St. Peter, just call me; I'm ready to leave.
Unemployment's run out, but I will not grieve.

(Postlude)
These gems were written before a late-July offer of full-time employment, with a start date the Monday after my last week of unemployment benefits...the day after my birthday. Nice present!