Headlines to Hope For in 2019

What kind of happiness would be unleashed upon an unsuspecting world if we saw these headlines next year?

Calvin and Hobbes Makes Glorious Return to the Comics Page

Twitter Cancels President Trump's Account

CNN is Replaced by Animal Fails Channel

Movie Popcorn Prices Reduced to Only Cover the Actual Cost

Fred Basset Retires #FredBassetMustDie

Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries and Smart Alecks Tops Best-Seller List

Moratorium Declared on All 2020 Campaign Coverage Until, You Know, 2020

Walt Disney Thaws Out and Stops Production of All "Live Action" Remakes

Make a Non-Christmas Disney Movie Festive

The Hallmark Channel was so pleased with last week's Christmasization of non-Christmas movies, now the Disney Channel has asked for my help as well...

• Snow White and the Seven Elves  -  The woodsman is replaced by an Inuit, who abandons Snow White somewhere near the North Pole.
• Dumbo the Red-Trunked Reinephant
• Cinderclaus
• Alice in Bethlehem
• 20,000 Grinches Under the Sea
• Mrs. Claus and the Tramp  -  This one might actually be rated PG-13 and released through Touchstone Pictures.
• The Sword in the Stocking

• Merry Poppins
• Honey, I Shrink-Wrapped the Kids
• Beauty and the Figgy Pudding
• The Lion King Wenceslas
• The Fruitcake of Notre Dame
• Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Magi
• Regifting Nemo

Make a Non-Christmas Movie Festive

I've been called upon to retool some popular movies to help fill up the gap in the Hallmark Channel's practically year-round schedule of Christmas movies...

• Stars Wars: Episode I  -  The Fruitcake Menace
• Star Wars: Episode II  -  Attack of the Amazon Drones
• Star Wars: Episode III  -  Rudolph of the Sith
• Star Wars: Episode IV  -  A New Ho-Ho-Hope
• Star Wars: Episode V  -  The Elves Strike Back
• Star Wars: Episode VI  -  Return of the Unwanted Gift
• Star Wars: Episode VII  -  The Grandpa Awakens
• Star Wars: Episode VIII  -  The Last Eggnog
• While You Were Sleeping with Visions of Sugarplums Dancing in Your Head
• Back to the Ghost of Christmas Future

• Harry Potter and Santa's Stone
• Harry Potter and the Chamber of Mistletoe
• Harry Potter and the Prisoner of the North Pole
• Harry Potter and the Yule Log on Fire
• Harry Potter and the Order of the Magi
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Pudding
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Off-Key Caroler
• Raiders of the Lost Ornament
• Indiana Jones and the Temple of PaRumPumPumPum
• Indiana Jones and the Red Kettle Crusade
• Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Creche

Click Bait: A Poem

I must admit
I'd like to quit
And stop this dogged, drudging, desperate deadline
I have to seek
Each stinking week
A happy, harmless, halfway-humorous headline

Some clever quip
More smart than flip
To make the masses move their mouse and click-click
An opening phrase
To clear the haze
Seducing several scrollers like a chick flick

It's getting harder
From an empty larder
To promptly pull out people-pleasing pun-puns
Especially when
Stuck in your den
Your mind has melted to a mass of month-old Funyuns

Trudge on, I do
Because of you
My faithful friends, all fortified by laughter
Along with hugs
Grins outlast drugs
Wide smiles are what I want; the wish I'm after

Observed Absurdities™ 43 - This Is NOT My Fault

Let me be perfectly clear.

I have nothing to do with what ads Google chooses to show you when you read this blog. While I suppose a particular blog's content may have a modicum of influence on what shows up at the bottom of each article, I suspect a larger percentage of the blame goes to whatever cookies or browsing history Google AdSense detects in your Worldwide Wackfest-browsing implement of choice.

I suspect this because as I was recently proofreading a future post, Google engaged all its wisdom, deduced that I'm in the middle of a search for full-time employment, and presented me the following ad:

What disturbs me about this is not the Big-Brotherosity of it all. I have made peace with the fact that there is hardly such a thing as a private life anymore. No, the thing about this ad that makes me think, "What the farnsworth?" is that there's apparently a disorder out there...

...a disorder that enough people suffer from that they need to be officially registered...

...a disorder that involves eating nurses.

#MedicalZombies
#Eww

Shop Around: The 495th Greatest Song of All Time

Okay, I admit it...my introduction to Shop Around was NOT Smokey Robinson and the Miracles' definitive version. The first time I heard it was in 1976 (16 years after Smokey made it Motown's first million-seller) and it was the cover version recorded by The Captain & Tennille.

Going backward to hear the original hit not only involved a gender shift and a welcome entrance to the world of doo-wop, but a realization that Smokey Robinson's mama must have been one controlling wad of overbearing womanhood.

Seriously.

The verses are written as words of wisdom coming from the mouth of a caring mother, but check 'em out:

Just because you've become a young man now

There're still some things that you don't understand now

Before you ask some girl for her hand now

Keep your freedom for as long as you can now

My mama told me, you better shop around

Oh yeah, you better shop around

Translation: You're still my baby boy and I want you to stay with me instead of running off with some other woman. 

Oh, there're some things that I want you to know now

Just as sure as the wind's gonna blow now

The women come and the women are gonna go now

Before you tell 'em that you love 'em so now

My mama told me, you better shop around

Oh yeah, you better shop around

Translation: I'm the only female on Earth who will be true to you!

And then, as if this blatant neediness and industrial-strength-apron-stringiness isn't enough, Mama gets...

well...

very interesting:

Try to get yourself a bargain, son

Don't be sold on the very first one

I know, I know...it's supposed to be a metaphor, but seriously? Why are we talking about the search for a lifemate in terms of a financial transaction? Doesn't this strike anyone else as pimpishly creepy?

And then there's this bit of anti-female gender-centric sexism that would never be allowed today:

Pretty girls come a dime a dozen

Immediately followed by a broad, general instruction with no hint of how to practically carry it out:

Try to find you one who's gonna give you true lovin'

Not to mention that it perpetuates the stereotype that an experienced guy is a good find, but a girl who's been around is...well...you know...

Observed Absurdities™ 42 - Any Way You Slice It

I recently made the mistake of picking up some groceries for Beloved.

I call it a mistake because going into a grocery store with a short list of simple items that Beloved wants me to purchase never...and I use that term advisedly...never turns out as one would expect...unless one would expect a disaster somewhere on a scale between minor and earth-shattering.

It sounds so simple when she says something like "get a can of olives." So......simple......yeah-no.

Black olives or green olives? Small, medium, or large? Pitted or non-pitted?

Or ex-pitted?

Or pitiful?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

And then there's the trauma of trying to FIND the stuff. I'm pretty sure there was an edict sent out to all grocery store managers that requires them to lay out their stores with absolutely no regard to any line of logical thinking. Are olives a vegetable or a condiment? Beans are kind of a vegetable, but I put them in chili so maybe they should be with the sauces.

During the recent trip mentioned in today's opening sentence, I just needed to get some sliced provolone cheese. Imagine my glee when I saw a large placard featuring sliced cheese.

Imagine the deflation of my adventurous spirit when I saw what was on the shelves under the "Sliced Cheese" placard:

I eventually found the cheese...under a sign that said "Dad Jokes For Sale".

No, But Really...What If The Eagles Loved Jesus?

Earlier this week, in my other blog (click HERE), I featured a song by Randy Stonehill that he purposefully wrote as an answer to the question "What if The Eagles were Christian?"

It got me to thinking...a dangerous proposition even on my best days...

• (My Sins Are) Already Gone
• Best of My Lord's Love
• Busy Being Forgiven
• (I Was a) Desperado
• Heart-Change Tonight
• Hotel God-Is-For-Ya
• I Can Tell You Why
• Life in the Fast Confessional
• New Kid in Town  -  A song about being filled with the Holy Spirit
• One of These Knights  -  A story song about the search for the Holy Grail

• Peaceful Easy Feeling  -  #TrueTruth: I've sung this many times with the verses of "Amazing Grace".
• Take It Easy  -  ♫ My yoke is easy and my burden is light ♪♫
• Easter Sonrise
• The Long, Straight, and Narrow Run

Let the Nausea Begin!

I almost wanted to classify this as an Observed Absurdity™ , but maybe I'm the only one who was aghast and appalled at what I saw in a convenience store dining area in northern Indiana. (Maybe I'M the absurdity this time.)

I had driven my mother, SweaterGal, to her weekly hair appointment at Maybelle's Dip-N-Clip. I needed to kill an hour, so I went to the nearest convenience store/gas station/tobacco emporium, bought a bottle of apple juice and a couple doughnuts, and sat down to peruse the local paper.

When I got up to throw away my napkin and head out to my car, I saw the following two condiment dispensers:

Being a lover of french fries, I absolutely understand the need for a large jug-o-ketchup, but the existence of a similarly huge tanker of ranch dressing caught me off-guard.

And made me nauseous.

For some reason, all I could imagine was someone filling a soup bowl with that white goop and baptizing chicken nuggets for hours on end.

Which made me nauseous.

I can appreciate a modicum of ranch dressing to enhance the experience of a salad or baked potato or (shudder) raw broccoli, but seeing So Much Dressing in one place  -  poised to be pumped out onto any unsuspecting food item nearby  -  I had to hightail it to the marginally-sanitary men's room and give back my doughnuts and apple juice in a most inauspicious manner.

The 496th Greatest Song of All Time: I'm Missing the Attraction

Aaaaand we continue our run-through of the 500 greatest songs of all time, according to Rolling Stone magazine, with a little number that is the exception to the rule that says music from the 70's is all pretty good.

The Rolling Stones have 14 songs on the list, but this is the lowest-ranked of them all...almost didn't make the list...practically missed it...har, har, har.

And you see...the thing is...I'm not sure "Miss You" qualifies as a song at all. It's the same chords and melody repeated over and over and the only thing that almost passes for a chorus is "oohing" the melody of the verse.

Then again, I suppose any band that can create a number one hit out of words like "Hey, what's the matter man? We're gonna come around at twelve with some Puerto Rican girls that are just dyin' to meet you. We're gonna bring a case of wine. Hey, let's go mess and fool around, you know, like we used to" deserves a little bit of respect.

4 Things People Should Totally Stop Saying

I have long held, and been slightly proud of, the title of GrammarNazi. Most of my living is made by fighting the evil forces of sloppy dangling participles and superfluous commas and apostrophes.

However...

My battle for truth, justice, and correct punctuation does not stop with the written word. I can be just as annoyingly picky with the way some people talk.

In an effort to make the world a better place, here's a short list of words and phrases that should cease to exist immediately.

These Ones  -  "Are you talking about these ones?" In this context, the word "ones" is totally unnecessary. "These" is all it takes to indicate what you're talking about. The same goes for "those ones" and "that one", by the way. Now, if you want to replace, "ones" with the actual-factual name of the object you're discussing...as in, "Are you talking about these fruit-flavored, chewable globs of high-fructose corn syrup?"...I'm all in favor of that.

I'm Good  -  I've spouted off about this before (you can read the aforementioned spouting by clicking HERE), but it has become persistent and irritating enough for me to go into Nagging Mode.

Have a Good One  -  A good what? A good day? A good nap? "I've got these ones here; some are caramel-filled and some are coconut. Have one. In fact, have a good one...which of course would be a caramel-filled one."

I Could Care Less  -  If you're choosing to express a modicum of concern about something without indicating any exuberance whatsoever, then have at it with this phrase. For example, if someone asks whether you think Sprite or 7-Up is better, you might have an opinion but still not think it's a very important subject. In that case, you might rightly say, "I could care less, so I guess I'll say 7-Up is better." But you and I both know that when most people say "I could care less," what they really mean is, "I couldn't care less. This subject holds no interest for me whatsoever." (You know, the way most people are feeling about this particular blog post right about now.)

Observed Absurdities™ 41 - Does Disney Own EVERYTHING Now?

I was grocery shopping with Beloved the other day. (Translation: Beloved was shopping the other day and I was pushing the cart behind her and trying not to hit her heels.)

We successfully negotiated past the aisle-blocking displays of uniquely-shaped blobs of high-fructose corn syrup and arrived in the produce section. I was caught off guard by a particular brand of grapes, but managed to get this photo.

While I applaud the effort of the grape industry to entice preteen girls to add more fruit to their diets...I just don't get the connection. What is remotely grape-like about a Disney princess?

And really...do we want to associate any kind of foodstuff with an image of someone combing their hair with a fork?

The 497th Greatest Song of All Time: Mixed Metaphor

I had to look up this entry in the list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time. It was released in August of 1994, putting it WAY past my last pop album purchase: The Stranger, by Billy Joel (1981).

I'm glad I took the trouble though because it's got a nice beat and is easy to dance to...and the video they made is mega-clever.

https://youtu.be/kemivUKb4f4

When in doubt about how to get your song noticed, just drop in some pop culture references and make a video based on a twenty-year-old television sitcom based on stereotypes from twenty years before that.

However...

While recreating Happy Days makes sense because of the song's chorus about Buddy Holly and Mary Tyler Moore, it gets kinda stuh-range with verse lyrics like this:

What's with these homies, dissing my girl?

Why do they gotta front?

Are we sure this song isn't really by Run DMC?

In addition, I'm pretty confident they're singing about Rocky Balboa here:

Your tongue is twisted, your eyes are slit

And for the record, I know Weezer is probably referencing some movie or TV show or SOMEthing here, but I'm out of the loop:

Bang, bang a knock on the door

Another big bang and you're down on the floor

Oh no! What do we do?

Don't look now but I lost my shoe

I can't run and I can't kick

What's the matter babe are you feeling sick?

Quick! Go back to the fun-loving chorus!

Oo-ee-oo I look just like Buddy Holly

Oh-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore

I don't care what they say about us anyway

I don't care 'bout that

I don't care 'bout that

I don't care 'bout that

I don't care 'bout that

I get it. I Get It! I GET IT!

Marx Brothers Take It All Off

Oh for the days when stories out of Hollywood had nothing to do with getting arrested or being in rehab.

Take the Marx Brothers, for instance. There was a group of guys who knew how to Make Merry...on screen and off.

My thanks to Stephen Schochet's book, Hollywood Stories, for this tasty tidbit:

In 1934, the Marx Brothers felt insulted by MGM bigwig Irving Thalberg (1899-1936). How dare he say that their movies needed fewer laughs and more romance? And why did this young man keep them waiting when they scheduled meetings? The Marxes were from vaudeville where promptness was demanded. The comics plotted their revenge. One day they barricaded Irving's office door with filing cabinets, and then escaped through the window. Another time, the once again tardy producer entered his workplace to find the comics completely naked and roasting potatoes in his fireplace. The good-humored Thalberg told the brothers to wait; he then called the MGM commissary and asked them to send up some butter.

Hey, Kardashians...I spit in your general direction.

S'not Hard to Swallow

All a person has to do to get a guaranteed "Eww! Gross!" from an adult audience is mention the practice of eating boogers.

Well folks...I am here today to defend the practice, and I've even got some expert testimony from Mitchell Moffit and Greg Brown and their book, ASAP Science:

Not to be confused with phlegm, which is produced in other parts of the respiratory system, snot is a liquid secre­tion produced in the nose. This nasal mucus is made mostly of water, along with proteins, carbohydrates, salt, and cells. Snot's sticky texture enables it to trap particles of dust, dirt. and bacteria to prevent infection in your airways. Once caught, these particles are expelled by sneezing, blowing your nose, or, more likely ... being eaten! Yup, millions of tiny hairs in your nasal passage push the snot to the back of your throat, where you swallow it, leaving it to your stomach acid to destroy the unwanted visitors.

I know what you're thinking. "Those godless scientists and their unnatural ways! It's all about bodily functions with them. If only they loved Jesus!"

Well folks...it seems that maybe God designed snot with the discriminating gourmet in mind.

Fancy a taste? You may have noticed a lot of kids picking their noses and chowing down, but surely it's bad for them, right? Not quite! Researchers have theorized that nasal mucus may contain a sugary taste to entice young people to eat it. In a society devoid of dirt and germs, and increasing allergies and disease, eating boogers may actually be a way for children to expose themselves to pathogens, which may ultimately help build up their immune system.

See? It's good for you to add greens to your diet! And here's one more appetizing fact for those who need to drink more liquids: A healthy nose pumps out around half a liter of snot a day.

Who's ready for lunch?

What If the Beatles Grew Up on a Farm?

Apparently, John, Paul, George, and Ringo were all city boys. Liverpool is an industrial/harbor town, and the Fab Four didn't know a lot about life on the farm being kinda laid back.

But what if they COULD thank God they were country boys? What kind of songs would they have recorded?

• A Harvest Day's Night
• All My Shoveling
• All You Need Is Manure
• Back 40 In The USSR
• The Ballad Of John Deere and Allis Chalmers
• Can't Buy Me A Combine
• Drive My Tractor
• Eight Days Of Weeds
• The Fennel On The Hill
• Good Day Sunshine
• Happiness Is A Warm Hounddog
• I Saw Her Planting There
• I Want To Hold Your Hoe
• Lucy In The Sty With Piglets
• She's A Heifer
• Strawberry Fields For The Farmer's Market
• While My Plowhorse Gently Creeps

The 498th Greatest Song of All Time: Dump Trucks and the Weather

Pretty sure when Brook Benton recorded "Rainy Night in Georgia" he wasn't thinking about being on any list of "greatest songs" put together by a bunch of rock-n-roll journalists 34 years later. 

Come to think of it, I'm not exactly sure what Tony Joe White was thinking about when he wrote the song. He's quoted as saying, "I knew about rainy nights in Georgia because I drove a dump truck for the highway department."

Okayyyy...

Did he drive the truck at night? Were Georgian dump truck drivers required to moonlight as meteorologists?

And my biggest question is...is he happy or sad?

I mean, there's no doubt that, musically, the song feels all melancholy and depressed, but then there are lyrics like "Seems I hear your voice callin' it's all right" and "Late at night when it's hard to rest I hold your picture to my chest and I feel fine."

Maybe Tony Joe was confused about it all himself and that's why he just tossed away all thoughts of a narrative flow and turned the end of the song into a global weather report:

But it's a rainy night in Georgia

Baby, it's a rainy night in Georgia

I feel it's rainin' all over the world

Kind of lonely now

And it's rainin' all over the world

Oh, have you ever been lonely, people?

And you feel that it was rainin' all over this man's world

You're talking 'bout

A-rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin'

Rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin'

A-rainin', a-rainin', rainin' over the world

I said now, rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin', rainin'

Observed Absurdities™ 40 - Control Yourselves, Men

Had a perfectly-lovely dinner with some usually-out-of-state visitors at a relatively-upscale dining establishment.

Had a slightly-exuberant laugh when I went to utilize the restroom and saw this on the door:

Why Are We Teaching Kids These Songs???

Whenever I visit my home church while vacationing in the summer, I always get to thinking about my growing up years. I can see that front row, filled with deacons and their huge ears. I can practically smell the hymnals. I can CERTAINLY smell the deacons.

This time around, I was reminded of the songs we used to sing in Sunday School: Jesus Loves Me, He's Got the Whole World in His Hands...

I was fairly shocked, though, when I recalled two particular songs that we used to sing all the time...and that seem to have no significance whatsoever.

Useless song number one: Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man

While it has a modicum of redeeming social value because it recounts a biblical story found in Luke 19, there is no moral to the story...no practical application for the young lives who are learning to call attention to a person's lack of height.

And it's not enough to say that Zacchaeus was little. No, no, no. He was a WEE little man! Like, hold up your thumb and forefinger about three inches apart. Teeny, tiny, dude. And that's all the song says about him, except that he climbed a sycamore tree that Jesus told him to get out of so they could all go to Zach's house.

No words of praise. No teaching from Jesus. Nothing but the beginning of a story. Well alrighty then.

Useless song number two: Deep and Wide

This was a big hit when I was little because it had fun motions and not a whole lot of words. But now that I'm a fairly mature adult, I positively don't understand why we ever sang it.

The whole thing is a metaphor...something preschoolers and elementary students aren't particularly well-known for understanding. Great googily-moogily, I know a truckload of adults that can't handle figurative language.

Deep and wide, deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

[And just in case you missed it the first time]

Deep and wide, deep and wide

There's a fountain flowing deep and wide

And then, we increase the uselessness by substituting words with hums!

Hmm and hmm, hmm and hmm

There's a hmm-hmm flowing hmm and hmm...

We were never told what the fountain represents or why it was a good thing that it was deep and wide...or really, now that I think about it, there was no reason for us to assume that this fountain flowing was a good thing at all. Maybe the whole song is meant as a lament.

Deep and wide (Nooooo!), deep and wide (Aaargh!)

Maybe Deep and Wide is what they sang on the ark to pass the time. All I know is, it kept us busy while the teenaged helpers were pouring out little piles of Cheerios® for us.

Cary Grant Is My New Hero

It's just a little thing.

One small quote. A trivial remembrance.

But it has opened my eyes to the true greatness of Cary Grant.

Apparently, Encyclopaedia Brittanica telegraphed the movie star to ask for a bit of information.

I'll let Mr. Grant himself finish the story:

The telegram read, 'How old Cary Grant?' And I telegraphed back, "Old Cary Grant fine. How you?"

I bow in the presence of greatness.

The Death of "No, Thank You"

Nobody says "No, thank you" anymore.

Okay, okay...that's an exaggeration for effect, but as my hours at FastStop increase, so does my awareness of the passing of simple civility and the exponential growth of declarative statements of self-worth.

Granted, in the routine at FastStop, there are a LOT of questions being asked:

• "Did you have fuel outside?" (I personally NEVER ask "Did you have gas?" There are some things I'd just rather not know.)
• "Would you like me to put these items in a bag?"
• "Do you need a lighter or some matches to go along with your physically and fiscally irresponsible purchase of cigarettes?"

And the answer that I invariably receive for these inquiries?

"I'm good."

Well...glad to hear it, but that doesn't tell me whether you need a bag.

"Would you like your receipt?"

"I'm good."

Considering the fact that Jesus said only God is good (Mark 10:18), I kind of doubt that. Besides, DO YOU WANT YOUR RECEIPT OR DON'T YOU???

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I often feel like giving folks a taste of their own medicine.

"Could you put that in a bag?"

"I'm good."

"I need to use your restroom."

"I'm good."

The 499th Greatest Song of All Time

I know what you're thinking.

"Okay, I understand why Dewey wrote about the 500th greatest song of all time, according to Rolling Stone's 2004 list, but do you mean to tell me he's going to go through the whole list one by one?"

Well...that remains to be seen.

But what I'm going to say at this point is that I totally understand why The Boys Are Back in Town, by the Irish group Thin Lizzy, is so far down the list.

But first, let us consider the song's composer and the lead singer for Thin Lizzy, Phil Lynott:

Does this guy look Irish to you? Whether you answer yes or whether you answer no, you're only half right. His mother was Irish, but his dad was a Brazilian sailor. Now THAT story might have made a great song. Why he wasted his time with feigned excitement about a bunch of guys coming back to town in the late spring of 1976...

Guess who just got back today

Them wild-eyed boys that have been away

Haven't changed, had much to say

But man, I still think them cats are crazy

They were askin' if you were around
How you was, where you could be found

Told 'em you were livin' downtown

Drivin' all the old men crazy

So I guess this song is being sung to some female that lives downtown and is a sexual tease to the older gentlemen there? Or maybe she's actually doing some kind of gaslighting experiment on them. Either way, he just told a gang of rabble-rousers where to find her!

The boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

I said the boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

The boys are back in town
(The boys are back in town)

The boys are back in town

(The boys are back in town)

Yeah, we GET it already!

You know that chick that used to dance a lot

Every night she'd be on the floor, shakin' what she got

Man when I tell you she was cool she was red hot

I mean, she was steamin'

So, I'm assuming the female being sung this song is NOT Phil's girlfriend. Because if she was...well...the word "was" is absolutely appropriate.

And skipping to the final verse...

Friday night they'll be dressed to kill

Down at Dino's Bar 'n' Grill

The drink will flow and blood will spill

And if the boys wanna fight, you better let 'em

For the record, this is not my idea of a fun night on the town. If there's any chance of my blood being spilled, I think I'd rather hang around at home. Furthermore...the possibility of the drink flowing and blood spilling getting confused with each other TOTALLY makes me want to avoid Dino's, you know?

Vampirism is a turn-off for me...call me picky.