Restroom Rules for Men

Social conventions show up in some of the most unusual places.

Take public restrooms.

Please.

Guy Rule #1:
If there are three urinals and none of them are occupied, do NOT walk up to the middle one. Seriously, if someone comes in after you, you are forcing them to stand beside you, which is uncomfortable at best, and depending on the degree to which you did it on purpose, also has a decidedly-creepy vibe.

Guy Rule #2:
Unless you came into the restroom together, already involved in a life-altering discussion, do not talk to anyone.

Gal Correlative InfoBit:
For the male of the species, performing basic biological functions within the confines of a restroom is not deemed an opportunity for social interaction.

Incongruous Bow to Proper Manners:
The other day, I was sitting in Stall Number One at my current place of employment, taking care of business. Two stalls down, a co-worker was involved in a boisterous celebration of digestion involving loud gurglings, explosive passings of gas, and several plops, splashes, and kersplooshes.

During a short pause in the proceedings, the occupant of Stall Number Three quietly burped...and said, "Excuse me."

Seriously?

That's kind of like Hitler blasting London to rubble then coming into a drugstore, reaching past you to get some aspirin off the shelf, and saying, "Pardon me."

474th Greatest Act of Hypocrisy of All Time

♫♪♪ "Here's a chance to dance our way out of our constrictions" ♪♪♫

George Clinton didn't have anything positive to say about disco. In no uncertain terms...terms that this blog has determined have no redeeming social value...he made it clear that disco was unimaginative, repetitive, blah, blah, blah.

And yet, in 1978, he pulled together a group of friends, collectively dubbed them "Funkadelic" and foisted seven minutes of disco upon the unsuspecting world. Oh sure, he mixed in just enough bass slapping to be able to call it "funk", but there's no denying that it's disco.

He called it "One Nation Under a Groove," and Rolling Stone called it the 474th greatest song of all time.

And I'm calling Rolling Stone on the carpet for putting this on their greatest-songs list with a straight face.

A Few Fake F Words

A fine fragment of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Fa (n)  -  A long, long way to run

Fabric  (n)  -  An exceptionally good block of hardened clay

Facade (n)  -  Counterfeit juice-based drink

Fact (n)  -  Theatre: The sixth major division of a play; follows Eact and precedes Gact

Fad (adj)  -  Being very unskilled in addition

Fair Fair Fare Fare (clause)  -  An equitable fee charged for transporting foodstuffs procured at a competitive exhibition

Festoon (n)  -  An animated series based on the 1964-1970 television series, Daniel Boone, starring Fess Parker.

Futile (n)  -  A small number of slabs of linoleum

Fuzz (clause)  -  Vulgar: Derisive exclamation directed against 80's blues-rock trio, ZZ Top.

Fyle (n)  -  The pamily name op the country-bumfkin character fortrayed by Jim Nabors in the television series, Gomer Fyle, USMC and The Andy Grippith Show.

Maltreat a Thing's Vows: TV Show Title Anagrams

Let's see, if I move this vowel to where that consonant is and subtract the square of the hypotenuse... 

• Hogan's Heroes = Goon Rehashes  (Sgt. Schultz goes over everything he hasn't seen and doesn't know.)
• The Price Is Right = Hitcher Tries Pig  ("Well, I've never had bacon before, but since you were nice enough to give me a free ride, I suppose I can give it a shot.")
• This Is Us = Sis Is Hut  (Yep, that's about right.)
• The Big Bang Theory = Thy Hetero Gabbing  (Yep, that's about right.)

• The Waltons = Snot Wealth  (John Boy and ALL his siblings get the sniffles all at once.)
• Law and Order = Radar On Lewd  (This explains where the writers get their story ideas.)
• The Addams Family = Mahatmas' Fly Died  (So THAT'S how it started!)
• How I Met Your Mother = Either Mow Your Moth  (...or what? Mow my moth or WHAT??!? Augh!!!)
• Saturday Night Live = Nutty Vigils Ahead  (Indeed!)
• The Munsters = He Rents Smut  (The secret, untold story of Herman Munster!)

Somebody Sabotaged the Greatest Songs List

What with thousands upon thousands of songs having been written throughout all of recorded and non-recorded history, it's obvious that a list of the 500 greatest songs of all time is going to :

     1.  Be really difficult to whittle down to
     2.  Leave out a lot of really good songs

What that list should NOT do, however, is include a 3-minute compilation of screams, record scratches, and a single guitar chord being throttled to within an inch of its life.

And yet...

That's exactly what Rolling Stone did when it decided "Sabotage", by Beastie Boys, should be honored with the 475th place on the list.

"Alone Again Naturally" (Gilbert O'Sullivan) didn't make the list.

"American Pie" (Don McLean) didn't make the list.

"Amazing Grace", "Classical Gas", and "I'll Follow the Sun" are nowhere to be found on the high and holy list...

...and yet they made room for "Sabotage" with its total lack of melody and indiscernible lyric.

What's my Senator's address??!?

You Won't Believe How Much They Want For My Book

It's always kind of a risky thing to search for yourself on the World Wide Wackfest (WWW). You could very easily find out things about yourself that you'd rather not know.

I thought I was fairly safe, though, to search for my book, Almost the Truth About Youth Ministry: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks, on Amazon. I just wanted to see what Amazon and the other sub-distributors were selling it for.

The answer I found almost put me into a seizure.

On one end of the spectrum was the expected insult to my ego: Amazon Prime offering brand new copies of my precious literary child for $2.97 with free shipping and $0.21 estimated tax.

But the listing that caused a coronary was by an enterprise called AllPro Books. (Yes, that's the real name. I am not afraid to call these fine folks out in recognition of their audacity.) Their asking price ... man, I can hardly even type this without shaking ... they are expecting folks to shell out $982.90, plus $70.31 in estimated tax, for a USED copy. Not even a "Like New" used copy, nor one in "Very Good" condition. These Internet-based pirates are charging that choke-a-horse price for a "Used - Good" copy.

But wait! There's more!

They also seem to think they would be forced to go bankrupt if the buyer doesn't chip in $3.99 for shipping.

I know what you're thinking: "That's insane! They'll never sell anything with prices like that! AllPro Books is run by idiots!"

But observe...

In the past 12 months, they've received 245 ratings, 87% of which were positive.

Stop the world. I want to get off.

P.S. The pages are made out of paper, just in case you are running short of any particular kind of paper product. You may want to order a case of these from http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/deweyroth.

Ersatz E Words

An exiguous excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Each  (n)  -  Pain felt by the fifth letter of the alphabet

Eagle (n)  - A pecie of bird epecially adapted to living near an ocean or ea and cavenging for french frie thrown by viiting tourit.

Earlike (n)  -  What Dwight D. Eisenhower would have been called if he were a British nobleman

Earliness (adj)  -  The quality or state of being an earl

Earplug (v)  -  To carry or tote an air sickness bag when it is full

Earthling (n)  -  Medical devithe worn when one hath thprained one'th ear

Earwig (n)  -  What all the fashionable-yet-bald ears are wearing this season

Easiness (clause)  -  Phrase used while explaining how to spell the author's name: "Dasindog, Easiness, Wasinwater..."

Easterly (adj)  -  Having the quality of a resurrection celebration

Extreme (n)  -  A dry riverbed