When I'm Sixty-FoYIKES!

 

How the farnsworth did this ever happen?!!?

I was strolling along, minding my own beeswax, content in the knowledge that Jesus loves the little children of the world. Not a care had I. No, not one.

Then suddenly, the morning after taking Abby Dormire home from our Junior Prom, it was the 64th anniversary of my birth. (Actually, this past Monday.)

• Where did this wife and four children come from?
• How is it possible that I have five grandchildren and one more about to make her appearance?
• When did my lower back start waging war on the rest of my body?
• How come there is a worn path in the carpet between my side of the bed and the bathroom?
• Ummm...
• What was I talking about?

Paul McCartney wasn't even 20 when he wrote "When I'm Sixty-Four" and now he's 79.

I'm not sure why that sets me back on my heels the way it does...but it does.

Paradise Lost

 

With a release date of August 1987, and being recorded by Guns n' Roses, the 453rd greatest song of all time, "Paradise City," falls well outside the boundary of songs I give one-half a rip about.

At least that's the first thing I felt like saying about this song. Then I went and did it...I actually listened to it.

And I must confess that I like the sound. Hooky, upbeat guitar riffs with vocals that are incoherent enough to stay out of the way of enjoying the sheer Rockosity of it all.

Then I went and did it...I read the words.

And now I'm back to not caring.

The really hurtful thing is that I can say nothing more sarcastic and funny about the song than what Rolling Stone already said:

For nearly seven minutes, they expound on the joys of green grass, pretty girls, and toxic chemicals. In a typically tasteful G n' R move, the video features footage of the band's 1988 gig at Castle Donington in the U.K. -- where two fans were crushed to death.

Tastefulness, empathy, and compassion. That's Paradise City right there.

Observed Absurdities™ 50 - Dog: It's What's for Dinner

 

I like how shopping at our local discount food store saves Beloved and me money on our bi-weekly grocery shopping adventures.

However...

I think I would really rather not know about all their cost-cutting measures.

For instance...

Apparently, it's more expensive to milk cows and process cheese than it is to shred canine flesh:

Yee-IKES!

Bordering On Y Words

 

A picayune unit from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

YACHT (acronym)  -  You Actually Covet Having This

YACK (acronym)  -  Young Americans Continually Kibitzing

Yaffle (n)  -  A two-day-old waffle

Yahoo (n)  -  A young adult owl

Yak (n)  -  A large, shaggy-hairy Tibetan ox with a mating call that sounds like vomiting.

Yale (n)  -  The penultimate version of a dark malt beverage

Yammer (n)  -  Verbal tool used to bore people to tears

Yams (n)  -  Sweet potatoes that self-identify as a different vegetable

Yank (v)  -  To pull quickly on someone as if they were from the northern United States.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

He's My Sweet, So Fine Lord - The 454th Greatest Songs of All Time

 

Okay...it's no new thing to point out that George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" and The Chiffons' "He's So Fine" are for all intense porpoises melodically equal. The claim has even been held up in court, with the quiet ex-Beatle being found guilty of "subconscious plagiarism" and paying over 1.5 million dollars of his income from "Lord" to the corporation that owns the copyright for "He's So Fine", Bright Tunes.

Sounds more like a very bright lawyer to me.

It does bring several questions to mind, though:

• If the two songs are so much alike, why isn't "He's So Fine" somewhere on the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list, too?

• If "My Sweet Lord" is such a great song, why do I hate it when it gets stuck on an endless loop in my head? (Which it has been ever since starting this post.)

• If 1.5 million dollars is just a portion of George's proceeds from "My Sweet Lord" ... how much did he haul in for just this one song?!!? Hot farnsworth!

• What song should I subconsciously plagiarize as part of my retirement plan?

 

#AmericanizeAMovie

 

In honor of the upcoming Independence Day Neighborhood Explosion Competition, let us ponder the restructuring of some of our favorite movies to emphasize Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The Obesity Games  -  Katniss Everfull eats her way to victory.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of ICE  -  Harry and Ronald are detained at the border.

The Wizard of Odds  -  Biopic about the creation of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Pride and Prejudice  -  Uhhhh yep.

Singin' on the Train  -  A musical set on a cross-country Amtrack experience.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Greed  -  Famed archeologist, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr., stumbles upon a secret cult of hedge fund managers.

Saving Ryan's Privates  -  I.T. security in the porn industry.

Willy Wonka and the Undocumented Chocolate Factory Workers  -  Just exactly what is the immigration status of all those Oompa-Loompas?

Forest Dump  -  A documentary about secret stashes of old washing machines, Corvairs, and mattresses.

It's a Wonderful Lie  -  Political intrigue...or...business as usual.

VII X Words

 

An excerpt from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Xantham (n)  -  A stirring, loyalty-inducing song played before every x-ray procedure.

Xenoblast (n)  -  Third entry in the classic series, "Hearnoblast, Speaknoblast, Xenoblast"

Xenophone (n)  -  Device used to communicate with foreign entities

Xeranthemum (phrase)  -  "A heavy, colorless, chemically inactive, monatomic gaseous element moved the British mother with haste."

X-ray (n)  -  A person or animal that used to be named Ray

Xylene (n)  -  The umpteenth sequel to one of Dolly Parton's most-well-known songs

Xylophone (n)  -  A  word that sounds like pieces of wood being struck by a soft hammer