My Little Stowaway

Alright, flock, it is time for us to consider the 466th greatest song of all time. It was recorded by Del Shannon and featured a Musitron solo that has distinguished it from the mountainous pile of early-sixties rock-n-roll for 59 years.

As I walk along, I wonder

A-what went wrong with our love

A love that was so strong

And as I still walk on, I think of

The things we've done together

While our hearts were young

I'm a-walkin' in the rain

Tears are fallin' and I feel the pain

Wishin' you were here by me

To end this misery

I wonder

I wah-wah-wah-wah-wonder...

Sound familiar? (If not, you need to CLICK HERE and listen to "Runaway," the 1961 hit that spent a month at the top of the charts. You also need to confront your parents for their sub-standard expansion of your cultural horizons.)

The amazing and absolutely made-up thing about this song, though, is that it was a parody of an earlier song written and performed by a survivor of the sinking of the Titanic.

As I sail along, I wonder

A-what went wrong with his ticket

A ticket he won on shore

And now as this ship sinks, I think of

How it would stink to die here

Alone upon this door

I'm a-floating in the night

Fingers freezin' and I'm filled with fright

Wishin' you felt totally free

To place your hands on me

I wonder

I wah-wah-wah-wah wonder

Why

Why, why, why, why, why

He sank away

And I wonder

If he was gay

My little stowaway

My stow-stow-stow-stow stowaway

Misleading M Words

A miniature morsel from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Macaroni (n)  -  Edible art medium

Macaw (n)  -  The call of a mother crow

Macchiato (n)  -  A hot beverage consisting of espresso, a small amount of foamed milk, and a large portion of pretension

MACE (acronym)  -  Make Anyone Cry Elixer

Machete (v)  -  To copy another's answers in the manner of your mother

Machine (n)  -  The fifth in a series of chins sported by a female parental unit

Machineguns (n)  -  The biceps of a robot or android

Mackinaw (clause)  -  Why Mack's chin is on the floor

MAD (acronym)  -  Moms Against Dads

Miasma (n)  -  A personal breathing difficulty

Pre-fixing a Non-existent Pro-blem

I seriously think most HR departments have so little to do, they spend most of their time creating issues so they can spend the rest of their time trying to solve them.

Consider this TrueTruth example from my very own personal RealLife experience...

One otherwise-normal day, I walked into the public restroom at my place of employment and saw a sign on the wall next to the touch-free paper towel dispensers.

Did I say "sign"? Please forgive me. It was an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper upon which someone with computer access had printed:

PLEASE DISPENSE

A PAPER TOWEL

FOR THE NEXT PERSON

My cubicle-mates and I pondered over that a bit. Well, to be a bit more accurate, we discussed, "What the farnsworth is THAT all about?"

Because of previous experience, the long-term employee in our group suggested that someone close to the top of the corporate ladder must have determined we were taking too much time resting in the restroom. Of course, that didn't help the note make any more sense to any of us.

Did the top-o-the-foodchain think it would save us time to have the person in front of us wave their hand in front of the dispenser instead of us doing it ourselves? That ranks right up there with  -  and I'm pretty sure I've said this before  -  trying to make a blanket longer by cutting off one end so you can sew it onto the other end.

And then we started applying the same logic to other workplace time-wasters:

• Please pour a cup of coffee for the next person
• Please take the next person's personal phone call for them
• Please leave the breakroom refrigerator door open for the next person
• Please eat the next person's lunch

Ooh! That last one? I believe that's what John Lennon called InstantKarma.

Catching Flies with Vinegar: The 467th Greatest Song of All Time

I underSTAND that Guns N' Roses was the biggest rock band in the world for about five years in the late Eighties and early Nineties.

I GET it that both boys and girls would scream in delight at the mention of them coming to town on tour.

I can apPREciate that "Welcome to the Jungle" was their first huge hit.

What I DON'T comprehend is how they thought they could entice females to become part of their entourage with words like "If you got the money, honey, we got your disease," and "I wanna watch you bleed."

Ranks right up there with "You don't want to go to the prom with me, do you?"

A Partial List of Illegitimate L Words

From Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Labor (n)  -  An excuse for verbal abuse directed toward one’s husband

LACE (acronym)  -  Lingerie Attracting Considerable Examination

Lacerate (v)  -  To determine the relative public appropriateness of lingerie

Lackadaisical (adv)  -  Flowerlessly

Lackeys (n)  -  People who are unable to unlock doors

Lactose (adj)  -  Footless

Ladies (clause)  -  What happens when The Big One hits Los Angeles

Ladle (French)  -  Boythe

Lager (n)  -  A member of the generation younger than kagers and older than magers

Lagoon (n)  -  A stupid, foolish, or awkward roughneck from Southern California

Tower of Babble

It's easy enough to accomplish. Even I got it done with little to no difficulty, so it's sure to be a cinch for someone like you.

And yet, I'M the one putting it in writing here in the super-glamorous environs of blogdom.

What is this "it" of which I speak, you ask? I shall briefly elucidate. It's finding out what happens to some common phrases when submitted to The Great Googly Moogly's mechanical translation services to go from English to Japanese to Spanish to English...

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. 

becomes

Four scores ago and seven years ago, our father created a new country on this continent dedicated to the proposition that he devised and created freely for all men

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

becomes

If you want your opinion, please.

My name is Dewey Roth and I approve this message.

becomes

My name is Dewey Ross and I recognize this message.

You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

becomes

You can't skate in a herd of buffalo, but you can be happy if you have a heart.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

becomes

Starlight, bright star, the first star I saw tonight, I want tonight, I want tonight.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

becomes

If the wooden chuck is capable of throwing the wood, how much wood throws the wood?

The Stooges Destroy Music As We Know It

The 468th-greatest song of all time, "Search and Destroy" by The Stooges, was written by Iggy Pop while he was wearing his cheetah-patterned leather jacket and "snorting big Chinese rocks of heroin."

And sounds like it.

Everything about it.

Sounds exactly like being strung out.

I'm assuming.

How else do you explain rhyming "napalm" and "A-bomb" by making them sound like "naypam" and "A-bam"?

And hey, Rolling Stone! How does this song get on this list when it never made the charts?

At all.

Ever.