Pre-fixing a Non-existent Pro-blem

I seriously think most HR departments have so little to do, they spend most of their time creating issues so they can spend the rest of their time trying to solve them.

Consider this TrueTruth example from my very own personal RealLife experience...

One otherwise-normal day, I walked into the public restroom at my place of employment and saw a sign on the wall next to the touch-free paper towel dispensers.

Did I say "sign"? Please forgive me. It was an 8.5" x 11" sheet of paper upon which someone with computer access had printed:

PLEASE DISPENSE

A PAPER TOWEL

FOR THE NEXT PERSON

My cubicle-mates and I pondered over that a bit. Well, to be a bit more accurate, we discussed, "What the farnsworth is THAT all about?"

Because of previous experience, the long-term employee in our group suggested that someone close to the top of the corporate ladder must have determined we were taking too much time resting in the restroom. Of course, that didn't help the note make any more sense to any of us.

Did the top-o-the-foodchain think it would save us time to have the person in front of us wave their hand in front of the dispenser instead of us doing it ourselves? That ranks right up there with  -  and I'm pretty sure I've said this before  -  trying to make a blanket longer by cutting off one end so you can sew it onto the other end.

And then we started applying the same logic to other workplace time-wasters:

• Please pour a cup of coffee for the next person
• Please take the next person's personal phone call for them
• Please leave the breakroom refrigerator door open for the next person
• Please eat the next person's lunch

Ooh! That last one? I believe that's what John Lennon called InstantKarma.

Catching Flies with Vinegar: The 467th Greatest Song of All Time

I underSTAND that Guns N' Roses was the biggest rock band in the world for about five years in the late Eighties and early Nineties.

I GET it that both boys and girls would scream in delight at the mention of them coming to town on tour.

I can apPREciate that "Welcome to the Jungle" was their first huge hit.

What I DON'T comprehend is how they thought they could entice females to become part of their entourage with words like "If you got the money, honey, we got your disease," and "I wanna watch you bleed."

Ranks right up there with "You don't want to go to the prom with me, do you?"

A Partial List of Illegitimate L Words

From Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Labor (n)  -  An excuse for verbal abuse directed toward one’s husband

LACE (acronym)  -  Lingerie Attracting Considerable Examination

Lacerate (v)  -  To determine the relative public appropriateness of lingerie

Lackadaisical (adv)  -  Flowerlessly

Lackeys (n)  -  People who are unable to unlock doors

Lactose (adj)  -  Footless

Ladies (clause)  -  What happens when The Big One hits Los Angeles

Ladle (French)  -  Boythe

Lager (n)  -  A member of the generation younger than kagers and older than magers

Lagoon (n)  -  A stupid, foolish, or awkward roughneck from Southern California

Tower of Babble

It's easy enough to accomplish. Even I got it done with little to no difficulty, so it's sure to be a cinch for someone like you.

And yet, I'M the one putting it in writing here in the super-glamorous environs of blogdom.

What is this "it" of which I speak, you ask? I shall briefly elucidate. It's finding out what happens to some common phrases when submitted to The Great Googly Moogly's mechanical translation services to go from English to Japanese to Spanish to English...

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. 

becomes

Four scores ago and seven years ago, our father created a new country on this continent dedicated to the proposition that he devised and created freely for all men

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

becomes

If you want your opinion, please.

My name is Dewey Roth and I approve this message.

becomes

My name is Dewey Ross and I recognize this message.

You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

becomes

You can't skate in a herd of buffalo, but you can be happy if you have a heart.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

becomes

Starlight, bright star, the first star I saw tonight, I want tonight, I want tonight.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

becomes

If the wooden chuck is capable of throwing the wood, how much wood throws the wood?

The Stooges Destroy Music As We Know It

The 468th-greatest song of all time, "Search and Destroy" by The Stooges, was written by Iggy Pop while he was wearing his cheetah-patterned leather jacket and "snorting big Chinese rocks of heroin."

And sounds like it.

Everything about it.

Sounds exactly like being strung out.

I'm assuming.

How else do you explain rhyming "napalm" and "A-bomb" by making them sound like "naypam" and "A-bam"?

And hey, Rolling Stone! How does this song get on this list when it never made the charts?

At all.

Ever.

What the What?

I've lost all faith in my "Here, Let Us Help You Write More Betterly" app.

I was writing a post for my other blog, Truth Is..., and wanted to use the word escargot. Having temporarily forgotten the French origin of the word, I failed to include the silent T at the end and my grammar-check app dutifully piped up to inform me that escargo is not a word...but didn't do its normal thing of suggesting what I may have been attempting to spell. All it said was that escargo is an unknown word.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?

We live in a world where, if you type the word Why into a search engine, the WorldWideWackfest suggests you might be searching for "why is the sky blue", "why do dogs eat grass", "why do cats purr", or "why is my poop green."

Our technology has advanced to the point of being able to complete my thought of How can to possibly be "how can i make extra money", "how can you get herpes", "how can you mend a broken heart", or "how can i watch yellowstone."

You're telling me the amassed knowledge of the known universe couldn't figure out that I was missing a T??!?

Non-Kosher K Words

Just a bit of a kit of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Kale (n)  -  1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kaleidoscope (n)  -  A device for scanning identification cards before allowing the purchase of 1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kalifate (n)  -  The son of Kalifsephen

Karoscene (n)  -  The section of a play or film involving corn syrup

Kayak (n)  -  A large, stocky, shaggy-haired wild ox that comes after a jayak and before an elyak

Kazoo (n)  -  An annoying noisemaker often mistaken for a musical instrument…or maybe the other way around

Keelhaul (v)  -  To transport 1,000 eels

KEG (acronym)  -  Keeping Extra Gallons

Keister (n)  -  One who keists; especially from behind

Kelp (n)  -  The kale of the sea