A Jigger of Just-About J Words

A jumble of gems from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

JAB (acronym)  -  Jeering At Bears

Jackal (v)  -  How to raise Alabama high enough to change its tires

Jacket (n)  -  A small jack (perhaps to be used on Rhode Island)

Jackhammer (n)  -  J. C. Hammer's given name

Jackknife (v)  -  Creative parking by semi-truck drivers

Jackpot (v)  -  To steal someone's toilet or marijuana

JADE (acronym)  -  Just Another Dirt Enhancement

Jagger (n)  -  From the German for large-lipped but ugly as sin

Jail (n)  -  Primary example of a word that sounds the same whether pronounced or spelled

Jailhouse (n)  -  Where the jail lives

The Manly Joni Mitchell

I didn't recognize Joni Mitchell's "Free Man in Paris" by its title, but when I heard the opening chords it all clicked into place for me.

Just picture a 40ish Robert Redford starring as a record promoter...sitting in a New York City deli with a quirky-but-attractive administrative assistant...absent-mindedly taking drags from a cigarette and lamenting his lost youth and freedom.

"The way I see it," he said, "you just can't win it. Everybody's in it for their own gain. You can't please 'em all. There's always somebody calling you down.

"I do my best, and I do good business. There's a lot of people asking for my time. They're trying to get ahead. They're trying to be a good friend of mine.

"I was a free man in Paris! I felt unfettered and alive. There was nobody calling me up for favors and no one's future to decide. You know, I'd go back there tomorrow but for the work I've taken on: Stoking the star-maker machinery behind the popular song.

"I deal in dreamers and telephone screamers. Lately, I wonder what I do it for. If l had my way, I'd just walk through those doors and wander down the Champs Elysees; going cafe to cabaret, thinking how I'll feel when I find that very good friend of mine."

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

It kind of amazes me that Mitchell could take what would have been a forgettable bit of exposition in a 70's film about people Searching For Themselves and turn it into the 470th greatest song of all time.

The Land of the Free and the Home of Depraved

The neighborhood's been decidedly boisterous lately.

In the great tradition of patriots everywhere, several of our neighbors have gotten a running start at celebrating their inalienable rights by blowing stuph up in their driveways and backyards.

♫♪♪

"I'm proud to be an American..."

BLAM!

"...where at least I know I'm free!"

BOOM!

Did I say free?

Oh no, gentle readers. We here in the U. S. of A. are anything BUT free.

Behold how our duly-elected servants think...

Are you gainfully employed? Good. We'll help ourselves to some of that income.

Are you taking the money that actually finds its way to your bank account and buying things with it? Excellent. Those sales are income for the store, so we'll let them force you to pay those taxes for them.

Did you make some money by selling your house? Yeah, we get some of that, too.

Have you somehow managed to scrape together a little bundle of cash to be able to pass on to your kids when you die? Beautiful. We get a percentage of that money...that has already had taxes taken from it...before your kids see a single penny.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

All of a sudden, I feel like blowing up a few things myself.

An Inventory of Illegitimate I Words

An itty-bitty installment of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

ICE (acronym)  -  Intentionally Cold Environment

Icecap (n)  -  Cooling headwear for those hot summer days

Idealist (n)  -  Casino employee who works at the blackjack table

Ideate (n)  -  The eighth in a series of fake identities

Identical (adj)  -  Having exactly the same ticklish teeth

Idiomatic (adj)  -  Being utterly foolish or senseless independent of volition; involuntarily stupid

IDIOT (acronym)  -  Independent Dude Incapable Of Thought

Idol (clause)  -  Statement of self-awareness by Barbie^®

Ineffable (adj)  -  So physically attractive as to be completely out of one's league; "You'll never sleep with her. For you, she's ineffable."

Ivory (clause)  -  "You either let us insert this tube in your vein, or give us a good reason not to!"

Almost On The Road Again

Number 471 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time was written by Willie Nelson specifically for his movie, Honeysuckle Rose.

The rumor is that it took him practically no time at all to scribble out the lyrics. Judging from this transcription of the first draft, it doesn't surprise me in the least that not a lot of time was put into it.

On the road again

Just can't wait to eat a big toad again

The life I love is cookin' roadkill with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again

Findin' possums in a garbage bin

Eating things that I may never eat again

I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again

Like a band of gourmets, we clean up the highway

We're the best of friends

Downing stacks of cats that we found our way

And our way...is on the road again

Just can't wait to scrape the road again

The life I love is cookin' roadkill with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again

On the road again

Cookin' armadillos on a red-hot manifold

We're the best of friends

Makin' raccoon sauce that's nothin' if it isn't bold

And can kill a cold...on the road again

Just can't wait to eat a big toad again

The life I love is cookin' roadkill with my friends

And I can't wait to get on the road again

And I can't wait to eat from the road again

A Handful of Hinky H Words

A non-heaping helping from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Habaneros (clause)  -  "Laughter shuts down libido."

Haberdasher (n)  -  A person who is in a hurry to sell hats

Habit (n)  -  1. A comedy routine; 2. A funny mouthpiece of a bridle

Habitat (n)  -  An indelible skin-marking of one's home

Habituate (n)  -  Laughter based on what a female dog consumed

Hack (v)  -  To secretly break into a taxi with an ax

Hacksaw (n)  -  A cabdriver's amazement

HAD (acronym)  -  Held At Dawning

Haddock (adj)  -  Previously owned a pier

Hysteria (n)  -  A buffet belonging to a male

My First Kiss

'Twas the fall of my Freshman year of high school. I had been cast as Jonathan Harker in Norwell High School's production of Dracula.

It was a leap of faith for the director. My previous stage experience was as the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz in 8th grade. To go from that light, comic romp to one of the main protagonists of a dark, horror story...well...I must have just been a better reader than the others at the auditions. 

I certainly didn't LOOK like the groom-to-be of a fair maiden who succumbs to a bite from the Count. At the age of 14, I didn't look like much of anything except a 14-year-old.

Topping off my list of concerns about the role was the presence of a scene in which my character kisses his fiance. Up until that time in my life, my kisses had been reserved for my mom, my gramma, and my dog.

The first time we rehearsed the scene, my co-star immediately jerked away, wiping her mouth and saying, "You don't have to slobber all over me!"

I was in desperate need of some real-life experience.

Enter the Older Woman, a curvy Junior with a slight overbite who sat with me on the school bus. We talked and laughed and secretly held hands on those bus rides...and I was convinced that this fine young woman, who I had nicknamed Sam, would soon fulfill my need.

The opportunity for me to be educated in the ways of the smooch presented itself one evening when Sam gave me a ride home from some event. We pulled into the circular drive of my homestead. Sam put her car's gearshift into Park. She turned slightly toward me. I turned slightly toward her. I thanked her for the ride. She leaned forward. I leaned forward. Somehow, our lips found each other.

The entire known universe dissolved into oblivion and I could feel absolutely nothing except the soft warmth of our lips pressed together.

And like a fool, I quickly said goodnight, practically stumbled out of the car, and rushed into the house, like some silly co-ed in a 1961 beach movie.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

"If you could go back in time and tell your younger self one thing, what would you say?"

Woah! What's your hurry? Get back in that car, young man!