The following is proof positive that I've had some time on my hands and twisted thoughts in my head.
- Gone With the Wind = Hinged White Town (Oh, if only I could trade that first H for an S.)
- The Avengers = Three Vegans
- (Harry Potter and the) Deathly Hallows = Hold Thy Seawall
- Lord of the Rings = Drool Frightens (especially if it's dripping from the mandibles of a giant spider)
- The Dark Knight = Thank Third Keg (It's a good movie that looks totally different depending on what's IN those kegs.)
- The Lion King = Hen Lingo Kit ("You'll be talking to the barnyard fowl in your life in just two weeks!")
- Despicable Me = Medical Beeps (Minions on life support?)
- (Harry Potter and the) Half-Blood Prince = Blanched Prof Oil (This is almost an appropriate recap!)
- Finding Nemo = Demon Fin Gin (Brand name of the reason Dory has a short-term memory problem)
- The Force Awakens = Wenches Toke Afar (In a galaxy far, far away, some saucy gals are getting high.)
An abbreviated assortment of entries from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.
Abandonees (n) - When Christian rock groups pray
Abase (n) - The first corner of a baseball diamond a successful batter must touch (followed by bbase and cbase)
Abbreviate (v) - To make one's stomach muscles smaller or tighter
Abdomen (n) - The alien-race antagonists in the 1953 motion picture, Flash Gordon and the Attack of the Abdomen
Abducting (n) - The act of wrapping the stomach muscles with gray tape
Abiding (n) - The sound of a bell that is attracted to either gender
Abiotrophy (n) - Literary award for a book about a person's life
Abolish (adj) - Kind of like abol
Antidote (v) - To bestow or express excessive disdain or dislike (usually followed by on or upon); "I'm surprised that dog stays around, the way they antidote on it."
In 1975, David Bowie killed off his Ziggy Stardust bit in favor of something he called "plastic soul", which resulted in the 481st greatest song of all time, "Young Americans".
I confess that I have never been a huge fan of Bowie. My knowledge base for him includes only five items:
1. The song, "Fame"
2. A Christmas duet with Bing Crosby
3. His appearance in the Jim Henson movie, Labyrinth
4. The song, "Space Oddity"
5. His duet video of "Dancing in the Streets" with Mick Jagger
And now there's this song, "Young Americans," which includes the following urgent inquiries:
- Do you remember your President Nixon?
- Do you remember the bills you have to pay?
- Ain't there a man who can say no more?
- Ain't there a woman I can sock on the jaw?
- Ain't there a child I can hold without judging?
- Ain't there a pen that will write before they die?
- Ain't you proud that you've still got faces?
It's amazing that anyone this confused and confusing could ever have invented such a famous knife.
I'm not as lively as I once was, and I've got technological proof.
You know those light switches that are motion-sensitive? You know what I mean. A company wants to save money on its electricity bill, so it installs these switches that turn off the lights in a room after a set amount of time of there being no activity in that room.
Well, my current place of employment has those in the restroom.
I just got back from a visit to said restroom wherein the lights turned off because of my stillness.
Three times.
Hey...isn't there a reason it's called a RESTroom?
A recent trip through the aisles of my local large grocery enterprise left me wondering about the quality of foodstuffs being stuffed into my piehole.
I was la-la-la-ing past the frozen foods when I looked up to see a sign that was trying its best to assure me of the high quality of the food Wild Harvest was offering for purchase:
My first thought: Has it come to this? Just like in politics, where it's not sufficient to expound on your own positive traits, but you've also got to make sure everyone understands your opponent's faults and failings - so it is (apparently) with groceries. Not satisfied to tell me all the good stuph included in the bags of frozen vegetables, now the Wild Harvest folks feel compelled to let me know what bad things are NOT included.
My second thought: This list of 140 bad things being referenced...is that an exhaustive list? I mean, are there only 140 "undesirable ingredients" in existence?
If so, I want to see this list. I know there are some very particular things that I particularly want to know there are no particles of in my food:
Snake Venom
Horse Sweat
Cow Cud
Cat Barf
Couch Cushion Detritus
Bloody Gauze
Asparagus
Try not to be shocked at this, but Alice Cooper was lying when he recorded the 482nd-greatest song of all time, "I'm Eighteen".
Late-winter/early-spring of my 8th-grade year, when I was not yet 14, "I'm Eighteen" spent thirteen weeks on the charts.
It was a pretty rockin' way to express the late-teen angst of not being sure who you were and being, at that time, old enough to fight in a war but not old enough to vote.
Even though I wasn't eighteen, I still claimed my unalienable right to be filled with angst.
Angst a lot, America!
But here's the really amazing thing.
When I searched the World Wide Wackfest for Alice Cooper's birthdate, I found out that he was an American sculptor born April 8, 1875.
That's right, Alice Cooper sang "I'm Eighteen" when he was 96 years old.
Which makes him, at the time of this writing, exactly as old as he looks.
There are secret secrets to be revealingly revealed when a person shiftily shifts letters around to a decidedly different order...
A double negative, but still a valid observation about the U. S. Government - Never not smug
An obscure collection curated by Tom Hanks - Monk hats
A new slogan for Cable News Network (CNN) - We Celebrant Wonks
In the interest of fairness, a disturbing headline from Fox News Network - Wonk Went for Sex
The only surprise here is that any president would admit this - I pretends
Hawkeye Pierce declares his disdain of war - Why, I reek peace!
The world's first palindrome, Madam I'm Adam, becomes a wicked son's request - Maim Dad, Mama.
Apparently, a McDonald's QuarterPounder was involved in some little-known wordplay - Quoted rarer pun
An encouraging cheer for my mom, Georgina Roth - Go, hog trainer!
#TrueTruth about my Beloved, Debbie Roth - Bride be hot
