18 is 482, AOK?

Try not to be shocked at this, but Alice Cooper was lying when he recorded the 482nd-greatest song of all time, "I'm Eighteen".

Late-winter/early-spring of my 8th-grade year, when I was not yet 14, "I'm Eighteen" spent thirteen weeks on the charts.

It was a pretty rockin' way to express the late-teen angst of not being sure who you were and being, at that time, old enough to fight in a war but not old enough to vote.

Even though I wasn't eighteen, I still claimed my unalienable right to be filled with angst.

Angst a lot, America!


But here's the really amazing thing.

When I searched the World Wide Wackfest for Alice Cooper's birthdate, I found out that he was an American sculptor born April 8, 1875.

That's right, Alice Cooper sang "I'm Eighteen" when he was 96 years old.

Which makes him, at the time of this writing, exactly as old as he looks.

Gimme a Nun-Worn Aftershave (Even More Fun with Anagrams)

There are secret secrets to be revealingly revealed when a person shiftily shifts letters around to a decidedly different order...

A double negative, but still a valid observation about the U. S. Government  -  Never not smug

An obscure collection curated by Tom Hanks  -  Monk hats

A new slogan for Cable News Network (CNN)  -  We Celebrant Wonks

In the interest of fairness, a disturbing headline from Fox News Network  -  Wonk Went for Sex

The only surprise here is that any president would admit this  -  I pretends

Hawkeye Pierce declares his disdain of war  -  Why, I reek peace!

The world's first palindrome, Madam I'm Adam, becomes a wicked son's request  -  Maim Dad, Mama.

Apparently, a McDonald's QuarterPounder was involved in some little-known wordplay  -  Quoted rarer pun

An encouraging cheer for my mom, Georgina Roth  - Go, hog trainer!

#TrueTruth about my Beloved, Debbie Roth  -  Bride be hot

Me and My Big Guffaw

Sometimes, my sense of humor gets me noticed in ways I'd rather not get noticed.

There I was, politely sitting toward the front of the sanctuary, listening to RadBrad sermonize about why some folks are less-than-eager to openly talk about their faith. One reason he mentioned is that there is a fear of a negative response from the people we talk to.

To give us some perspective on how relatively-minor anyone's negative response would be compared to what, say, the Apostle Paul went through, RadBrad asked:

"Have any of you ever been stoned?"

Believe it or not, I was the only person who laughed out loud at that.

A merry heart worketh like medicine, my foot.

I Obviously Don't Understand Heaven

In May of 1987, when The Cure's "Just Like Heaven" was released, and for the 19 weeks it was on the charts, I was nowhere near a Top 40 radio station.

And I'm pretty sure I couldn't be happier.

There are a couple things I just don't get about this song:

     1.   Why it's listed as the 483rd greatest song of all time when it never even got above 40 on the radio charts
     2.   What the farnsworth is it trying to say?

It starts out with some decidedly PG-13 quotes from the singer's girlfriend:

"Show me, show me, show me, how you do that trick

The one that makes me scream," she said

"The one that makes me laugh," she said

And threw her arms around my neck

But before the first verse is over, she's getting all accusatory and whiney: 

"Why are you so far away?" she said

"Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you?

That I'm in love with you?"

Then things get all weird and poetic and I don't know if it's still the girlfriend talking or the singer:

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely

You, strange as angels

Dancing in the deepest oceans

Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

Just like a dream

Not only like a dream, but an actual dream, judging by the second verse:

Daylight licked me into shape

I must have been asleep for days

And moving lips to breathe her name

I opened up my eyes

And found myself alone

Alone

Alone above a raging sea

That stole the only girl I loved...

NOW I get it, he's singing about his dead girlfriend.

...And drowned her...

How sad!

...deep inside of me

Wait...what???

You, soft and only

You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven

Soft...lost...lonely...HOW IS THAT JUST LIKE HEAVEN??!!?

Almost Definitions V

Even still more yet from The Almost the Truth Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean:

Tabaret (n)  -  Popular movie musital scarring Liza Minelli as Sally Bowles and Joel Grey as the Mascer of Teremonies.

Tabbed (clause)  -  Where folks go at night when they're tired.

Tailored (n)  -  What a male cardinal has, as opposed to a male bluebird's tailoblue.

Udders (v)  -  When a cow employs the faculty of speech; uses the voice to talk.

Umpteenth (adj)  -  Having the appearance of being done by an unqualified person; "You really made this soup umpteenth! It tastes like a baseball official playing golf."

Vaccine (n)  -  A monthly periodical about Hoover, Bissell, and Dyson.

Wagon (adj)  -  Description of a sad, tailless canine.

Waltz (adj)  -  Belonging to Disney.

Xantham (n)  -  A stirring, loyalty-inducing song played before every x-ray procedure.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

Zeal (n)  -  any of numerouz carnivorouz marine mammalz that live chiefly in cold regionz and have limbz modified into webbed flipperz adapted primarily to zwimming; often erroneouzly confuzed with a zea lion.

Back in the Sadder

Just in time for the end of the summer family vacation season, I have been reminded of a game Beloved and I used to play with our four ankle-biters when driving long distances.

The origin of our little time-filler was a sketch from the educational television show, The Electric Company. Two cowboys (Skip Hinnant and Morgan Freeman...yes, THE Morgan Freeman) were loping along while the significant words from their dialogue appeared over their heads...ostensibly, helping the young viewers learn to read.

It sure is good to be back in the sadder again.

Back in the what?

The sadder. You know, sitting here
on our horses. Back in the sadder.

You mean saddle. It's good
to be back in the saddle.

Saddle?!? No, that's like when
a teacher is trying to get the students'
attention: "Okay, kids, saddle down."

Oh for crying out...that's settle!
It's "settle down, kids!"

Now you're just confused. Settle is a
breed of dog. We once had an
Irish settle. Beautiful animal.

That's setter. You had an Irish setter.

No, no, no. Setter is like after you've
broken up with your girlfriend:
"Ahhh, setter but wiser."

The phrase is sadder but wiser. Sadder.

Well, that's what I said to begin with!
It's good to be back in the sadder again!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

The Roth Family version of this very rarely circled back on itself so neatly. We have been known to cross a complete state while flinging malaprops back and forth at each other:

Look at that statue of a Native American!
Look at the size of the quiver on that thing!

You mean shiver. The thing that
holds arrows is called a shiver.

Shiver? That's when a young boy first
starts using razors. "What a cute little shiver!"

That would be shaver.

Shaver? That's the high-tech
skateboard Marty McFly used.
I wish we could buy a shaverboard!

Hoverboard! The word is hover!

Hover?!? You silly little...hover is like
when you put a lid on a pot.

That's cover. You cover the pot.

Noooo...cover is what you
call a group of witches.

That would be coven!

Coven?!? A coven is what you bake cakes in!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Round and round it goes! Where it stops, nobody knows!

Rock-N-Roll Pays Off

The story of the 484th-greatest song of all time ranks right up there with all the record execs who poo-pooed the Beatles when they first were trying to get a recording contract.

Here's how Rolling Stone put it:

"I Love Rock 'N Roll" by Joan Jett
Written by: Jake Hooker, Alan Merrill
Produced by: Ritchie Cordell, Kenny Laguna
Released: Jan. '82 on Boardwalk
Charts: 20 weeks
Top spot: No. 1


Attempting to jump-start a solo career after her stint in teenage rock band the Runaways, Jett was turned down by twenty-three record labels as she shopped around the demo tape to "I Love Rock 'N Roll." She finally cut the song for tiny Boardwalk Records, but that label's execs weren't sure that Jett's riff-rocker was a hit -- she was able to buy the radio rights to the track for $2,500. Today, Jett is a girl-rock icon and the song is worth nearly $20 million.

Can I get a "Neener-neener"?!!?

Take THAT, you clueless gatekeepers!