Hoped-For Headlines for 2023

 

If I had my druthers, we'd all be seeing headlines like these in the coming months.

All Viruses Vacate the Vicinity

27 Years Later, Bill Watterson Reboots Calvin & Hobbes

Twitter Fades Into Nothingness

Minnesota Finally Stops Taxing Social Security Income

Fred Basset Succumbs to the Will of the People and Ceases Publication

M*A*S*H Reunion Sees Hawkeye Delivering the Baby of the World's Oldest Mother...Hotlips

Self-Shoveling Driveways Now Economically Feasible

Political Ads Banned Until September 2024

Digesting Dr Pepper Burns More Calories Than It Contains

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1970s

 

There's just enough time left in the Christmas season to turn some of the biggest hits of the 1970s into seasonal songs of glad tidings.

Reindeer Keep Flyin' Overhead  -  "...and just like the elf whose feet are too big for his bed..."

Bridge Over Troubled Waiter  -  A song of comfort for waitstaff stressed out by all the corporate holiday parties

The Long and Winding Lights  -  "...that are tangled 'round my tree, will never all be lit, they just don't work for me, no"

Fire and Rein  -  The only two things that seem to have an effect on Rudolph's behavior

You Light Up My Tree  -  "...with lights red and green"

Joy to the World  -  "Jeremiah was a reindeer. Was a good friend to all. I never understood a single word he said as he took me to the mall."

How Can You Mend a Broken Toy  -  A lament by the Bee Gees

Thank God I'm a Drummer Boy  -  "When the work's all done and the sun sets low, I pull out my sticks and I really let it go"

Midnight Camel to Bethlehem  -  One of the wise men had a girlfriend he left behind. This is her song.

Cat's in the Manger  -  "And the cat's in the manger with no silver spoon; the little boy king's gonna grow up soon"

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1960s

 

The 1960s took us from bobbysoxers to hippies and the hit songs of the decade reflected that evolution. But one constant was the attempt to make a buck by selling Christmas records to the teeming masses.

Elf of the Road  -  A catchy tune about a workshop worker who walks away from the "man of means by no means" and hops a train to where "two hours of pushin' snow buys an 8 by 12 place to go."

Last Sleigh to Anchorage  -  "Take the last sleigh to Anchorage and I'll meet you at the igloo."

Son of a Drummer Man  -  Dusty Springfield celebrates the rum-pa-pum-pum that rocked a certain manger scene.

I Want to Pull Your Sleigh  - "Oh, Santa, say to me, for this Christmas day, Oh please, say to me, you'll let me pull your sleigh! I wanna pull your slay-ay-ayeeay. I wanna pull your sleigh."

I Got You Babe  -  Sonny & Cher sing a lullaby to the newborn king.

The Sound of Jingle Bells  -  "Hello Christmas Eve, my friend, I'm racing through you once again. Because I've got all of these gifts to buy. I wait till now, but I do not know why."

(I Can't Get No) Black Friday Deal  -  A bluesy lament of deep-but-rapidly-disappearing discounts.

Bethlehem Dreamin'  -  "All the trees are palms, and the midnight's clear. It's a silent night, but its full of cheer. There are angels singing 'bout good will to men. Bethlehem dreamin', about the way it was then.

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1950s

 

The 1950s saw the birth of rock and roll and will never be able to unsee it. There were some great tunes, many of which deserve to be almosted into the holiday hits they shoulda-woulda-coulda been.

Sock Around the Clock  -  Before stockings started being hung by the chimney with care, they used to be arranged around a family's grandfather clock.

Reindeer  -  "You ain't nothin' but a reindeer, flyin' all the time..."

Why Do Elves Fall In Love?  -  A terribly racist musical question

I Only Have Coal For You  -  "There is nothing I've missed, You're for sure on the naughty list, I only have coal for you. I'm aware of your ways, and you've only been good for two days, so I only have coal for you, dear."

Red Suede Shoes  -  From the years before Santa started using more weather-appropriate footwear.

Cranberry Sauce Hill  -  "I found my thrill..."

Wake Up, Little Jesus  -  The Everly Brothers wreak havoc in a stable.

Traveling Wisemen Blues  -  "I hear those camels comin', They're following a star, They're askin' 'bout a baby, Tell me, why've they come so far?"

Crying In The Manger  -  "You saw me crying in the manger, Getting scratched by all that straw, I know the meaning of diaper rash, My skin is red and rough and raw"

Johnny B. Herod  -  "Deep in the land of Judah close to Jerusalem, Way back up near the desert with the drifting sand, There stood a fortress which the folks were mighty scared of, Where lived a royal boy by the name of Herod, Who never ever felt secure in his skin, So he killed off all the babies down in Bethlehem."

Almost the News XXV

 

Real headlines. Unreal news.

Justice Jackson Is Making Herself Heard On Court
It turns out, she just needed to shout the tennis score a little louder.

Rhodes Advised Trump How To Stay In Office
"Do not go through that door to the hallway."

Seniors Strike Back Against Soaring Rents
A group of 12th-graders from a local high school is protesting the use of parental chaperones on their flight to Europe.

Russia Suspends Deal To Export Grain
Russian spokesperson, Vladimir Talkonavich, says the International Poker Championship will resume once they are finished shipping grain to other countries.