Almost the News XXVIII

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Charges Filed Over Stolen Tax Returns
State Attorney Lokk M. Allup said, "It was an elaborate set-up involving pulleys and hydraulic lifts, but we were able to file the charges in the exact location we wanted."

Record-Breaking Coho Salmon Caught
"The slippery devil smashed all my Beatles albums! But we've got him now!"

Moderate Republicans Bring Down Jim Jordan
Yeah, they don't do anything for MY mood, either.

Superintendent Finalists 'Very Strong'
School board member, A. Roma Picky, says, "I can smell them from across town."

Author Drew on Seedy People from Childhood
Starting at the age of 7, Vincent Patrick practiced his limited artistic skills on the arms and faces of the ne-er-do-wells in his neighborhood. A local art critic has been quoted as saying it was "a blessing he turned to writing. His sense of perspective was abysmal."

Scientist in Hawaii Was Cloning Pioneer
Mac A. Damian died recently while on the verge of a breakthrough in his efforts to genetically copy Daniel Boone.

MN Man's Body Recovered from WI Lake; 1 Still Missing
Sheriff Brody stated: "That lake was right here a minute ago, but now...?"

Lake Elmo Drops Its City Administrator
File Under: Some jokes just write themselves

Observed Absurdities™ 65 - Pigfish Restaurant?

 

I have a hard enough time deciding on what to eat at a new restaurant. Imagine my dismay when met with the choices available at the home of this sign:

• Eel Cutlets
• Sardine Chops
• Baby Back Barracuda
• Octopus Loin
• Herring Bacon
• Crab Sausage
• Oysters on the Half Hoof

Beware Boys!: The 413th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Way back in 1956, a little motion picture aspired to be "the rockingest, rollingest shindig" anyone had ever seen. So they filled the cast with a truckload of music stars...not the least of which was Little Richard. They even got him to sing the title song.

With a title like The Girl Can't Help It, the natural question to ask is, "What can't she help?" The song lyric supplies the answer:

If she walks by, the men folks get engrossed

If she winks an eye, the bread slice turn to toast

She got a lot of what they call the most

She mesmerizes every mother's son

If she's smiling, beefsteak become well done

She make grandpa feel like twenty-one

The girl being sung about is Jayne Mansfield, well-known for being well-endowed. In fact, to include her complete figure in the frame, they had to film the whole movie in CinemaScope.

That's a lotta girl...but she can't help it.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. IV

 

Ron Howard has included the place of conception in the names of his children (e.g., Bryce Dallas Howard)

The producers of Golden Girls wanted Betty White to take the role of senior citizen sex kitten, Blanche, but she refused, giving life to the dim-witted Rose instead. White said that Blanche would have been too much like her previous TV role, Sue Anne Nivens, on Mary Tyler Moore.

At the end of every episode of Glenn Campbell's television variety show, he said, "Keep the latch string out and the dog tied up, 'cause I'm coming home!"

Jerry Garcia (from the Grateful Dead) played the pedal steel guitar for Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young's "Teach Your Children".

Disney should make A Frozen Christmas Carol. Here's the tagline for it: With Elsa as the Ghost of Christmas Future, the phrase "cold as hell" becomes literally accurate.

The Chinese word for "crisis" is comprised of the symbols for "dangerous" and "opportunity".

Debrief = The opposite of a wedgie

♪♫ Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Does whatever a spider can. Spins a web any size. Catches thieves just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-Man. Is he strong? Listen, bud, he's got radioactive blood. Can he swing from a thread? Take a look overhead. Hey there! There goes the Spider-Man! In the chill of night at the scene of a crime, like a streak of light, he arrives just in time. Spider-Man! Spider-Man! Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man! Welcomed, then he's ignored. Action is his reward. To him, life is a great big hang-up. Wherever there's a bang-up, you'll find the Spider-Man!♫♪

Gag Reel:

I used Bing's AI creative chat feature to create the above graphic of Elsa and Scrooge McDuck, but here's its first attempt:

And then I asked it to make Elsa look more threatening and Holy Farnsworth!

Hoped-For Headlines for 2024

 

With a little luck, some of these just might get printed for real.

Last-minute Candidate with Brains and an Actual Moral Compass Wins Write-in Campaign for the Presidency

Longmire Returns to Television with a 5-year Contract

All Music Recorded in the 21st Century Mysteriously Disappears

The Health Benefits of Kale Revealed as a Hoax

It Is No Longer Fashionable to Broadcast One's Sexual or Gender Proclivities

Supreme Court Rules That Yelling Does Not Make Your Stupid Theory Correct

Usage of "Should Of" Instead of "Should've" or "Should Have" Results in Large Fines

Waste-of-Ink Comic Strip Fred Bassett Finally Shuts Down #FredBassettMustDie

#RuinAChristmasSong

 

What would happen if some unscrupulous modifier wreaked havoc with our classic holiday tunes?

Away in a Manager  -  All the cookies get eaten by your immediate supervisor.

O Hum, O Hum Emmanuel  -  When you don't know the words

Silent Knight  -  "Silent knight. Deaf-mute knight. With his helmet on, he's got limited sight."

O Come to Old Faithful  -  The latest promotional jingle for the U.S. Parks Department

120 Days of Christmas  -  Can't. Imagine. Singing this. Ever.

Do You Smell What I Smell?  -  "In the stable near, shepherd boy"

Soy to the World  -  Vegan anthem

Cookies We Have Burnt on High  -  Time to fix the oven

Whose Tupperware Is This?  -  "Whose Tupperware is this, that holds the salad, that no one seems to have wanted?"

God Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen  -  Holiday revelers have the right to remain silent.

Tingle Bells  -  A short in an extension chord leads to a shocking discovery.

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1990s

 

Having already turned several chart toppers from the Fifties through the Seventies into Christmas tunes (Click the Christmas label to find them), we now focus our parody powers on the 1990s*:

How Am I Supposed to Give Without You?  -  Michael Bolton doesn't know what gifts to buy now that he's divorced.

Nice Ice Baby  -  Vanilla Ice raps about the quality of his girlfriend's backyard pond.

Baby Baby  -  "Baby baby, laying in a manger. You came to rescue my soul from danger." (Amy Grant)

Baby Took Back  -  Sir Mix-A-Lot tells the tale of returning purchases.

Santa's Paradise  -  "As I walk through the valley of the shadow of snow, I take a look at my life and think, 'Ho Ho Ho'!" (Coolio)

I Will Always Love Eggnog  -  A huge hit for Whitney Houston

I'll Make Rolls for You  -  "I'll make rolls for you like grandma used to do." (Boyz II Men)

Mo Money Mo Gifts  -  The Notorious B.I.G. pays homage to consumerism.

Gettin' Figgy Wit It  -  "On your mark ready set let's go; Kitchen pro I know you know I go psycho when my pudding's lit; Just can't sit; Gotta get figgy wit it" (Will Smith)

Livin' La Vida Mortal  -  Ricky Martin sings as if he's Jesus celebrating his family's escape to Egypt. The video for this song featured a computer-generated dancing baby.

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* Editor's Note: We noticed...just before publishing this post...that Dewey skipped over the 1980s. Gives us all something to look forward to in December 2024.