#RuinASimonAndGarfunkelSong

 

What if Simon and Garfunkel's choice of song titles was just a little bit off? How much difference would have spelled the difference between success and failure?

A Pound of Silence  -  A strange little ditty about 16 ounces of cotton balls

I Am a Sock  -  "A winter's day in a deep and dark clothes dryer, I am alone."

Scarborough Fare  -  "Are you paying the Scarborough fare? Drive yourself and take far less time."

Homeward Hound  -  A first-canine narrative about a dog sniffing his way back to his owner

At the Grocer's  -  "The celery will stalk you while the corn will lend an ear. Just a fine and fancy ramble down the aisles."

Fridge Over Troubled Daughter  -  The sad tale of a parent opting to keep a household appliance instead of dealing with their delinquent teenager

My Boxers  -  "I am just a poor boy and my underwear is torn."

Observed Absurdities™ 57 - All of a Sudden I'm Not Hungry

 

Saw the following on my grocer's shelf and couldn't quite believe it:

What's the best way to prepare this? Add a little peppermint to each patty?

Anybody else thinking of Soylent Green?

And shouldn't there be a warning label? CAUTION: May contain peanuts.

The Greatest Jingle?

 

"Love Me Tender" is the theme song from Elvis' first movie.

It also happens to be, according to Rolling Stone, the 437th greatest song of all time.

But that's not all!

It also marks the first time Elvis sang in his soft voice, accompanied only by an acoustic guitar.

And oh yeah... it copies the melody of the Civil War-era ballad, "Aura Lee." (Yet somehow escapes the legal battles that were unleashed against George Harrison for "My Sweet Lord" and its far-more-subtle similarities to "He's So Fine.")

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Hey, as long as we're stealing melody lines, why not use it to advertise a dating app?

Love me Tinder

Love me sweet

Swipe me to the right

You have made this app so neat

It fills each lonely night

Love me Tinder

Love me true

Don't filter your profile shot

For my darling, I'll bust you

If you're just a 'bot

You're Not Being Paranoid If They're Actually Watching You

 

One of the side effects of getting to be a certain age in the midst of a pandemic is an increase in one's meals being of the carry out variety. Disposable cash and lack of cooking initiative form kind of a perfect duo to make driving to a restaurant only to pick up your order and take it home a decidedly-less-than-rare occurrence.

I had kind of a creepy experience the other day while waiting for our Chicken Fajitas and Pollo con Chorizo.

There I stood in the area usually used by patrons waiting to be seated and the hairs on the back of my neck started calling attention to themselves. I had a distinct feeling that I was being watched.

And then I saw it.

"Watched" doesn't cover it. "Stared At" is more like it.

Perhaps even "Ogled."

"I've Got a Job for You"

 

Back when I was between jobs and surviving on unemployment and part-time hours at FastStop, I signed up to be part of a website where people would post available freelance jobs and people like me would offer their services. Need an officiant for your wedding? I was your man. Want somebody to proofread your Master's thesis? Hit me up.

However...

One of the posted jobs just didn't seem kosher:

"i have a research paper due by tomorrow night and i have to summarize 5 articles and just pick out stuff from the article that relates to my thesis its basically a lit review from 2-5 pages"

Would have been quicker to just say "Help! Can you do my homework for me?!?"

#TrueStory

How This Got to Be the 438th Greatest Song of All Time, I Will Never Know

 

The best thing I can say about The Stooges' "I Wanna Be Your Dog" is that it's less than three minutes long.

Forget that it has a single line of what pretends to be a melody that is repeated for every phrase.

Forget the words "now I wanna be your dog" that comprise 37.5% of the lyric.

What I'm really curious about are the first seven words of this trainwreck: "So messed up I want you here."

Does the singer want the person here to help him resolve his high level of being messed up? (I want you here because I'm so messed up.)

Or is the singer's desire for the presence of this person a strong indication of just how truly messed up he is? (I'm so messed up...I want you here. That's how stinkin' messed up I am!)

If I Had Been Cast Instead Of...Part Third

 

...Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

...Harrison Ford

...Benedict Cumberbatch

...Buzz Lightyear

...Elvis