Hey, How's Come...

...people walk up to my cash register at FastStop, place the items they have carefully selected from throughout the store on the counter, make sure I didn't miss scanning anything, and then act surprised when they need to get money or a debit card out?

...the person who answers the phone at customer service always has to ask somebody else how to solve your problem? Why don't they just get that other person to answer the phone?

...people complain to the cashier about the price of gas as if the poor slob behind the counter has anything to do with the cost of anything?

...young women consider themselves social media influencers by wearing skimpy bathing suits and shaking their buttocks at a camera? Is this considered a marketable talent?

...after I buy something online, 87% of the ads that show up on the web pages I visit are for that very thing? Why are the advertisers wasting their money showing me ads for something they KNOW I just bought? (And yes, I know they know. I mean, if they know I was thinking about talking to Beloved about possibly looking at pictures of a product next month, then they know when I actually purchase something.)

Tax Facts-ish

 

The Infernal Revenue Service has a lot of power it can wield in its unflagging effort to extract from the citizens of the U. S. of A. enough funds to keep the government well-stocked in pork barrels and erasable tape.

One of the IRS's superpowers is the ability to do its dirty work completely in the shadows, undetected by mere mortals. They can keep a secret better than Cher's plastic surgeon.

For instance, did you know...

• The IRS doesn't really know how much money anyone owes. They just throw out random numbers, trusting in the average citizen's lack of expertise.
• IRS agents are all participants in the witness protection program.
• 27% of all tax returns are tear-stained.
• Who gets audited is decided by a complex algorithm involving gross income, submission date, and Twitter followers.
• Tax money submitted after the deadline is used to buy lottery tickets...or thrown away...not that there's any difference.

Wasted Words: The 442nd Greatest Song of All Time

 

In September of 1957, Little Richard released the song "Keep A-Knockin'." It spent 18 weeks on the charts and got up to Number 8.

It's a short song. The recording clocks in at two minutes and sixteen seconds.

However...

It's amazing the song goes on for even that long, seeing as how there are only three phrases sung in the whole thing:

       1. Keep a-knockin' but you can't come in
       2. You said you love me but you can't come in
       3. Come back tomorrow night and try it again

Sure, those words are sung over and over (and over), but that is the total content of the song's message. No glimmer of hope that the situation will change whatsoever; no promise of a future together; no hint that things are gonna get better.

Could have saved everybody a lot of time and effort by just saying, "Beat it."

But that would have stolen Michael Jackson's thunder, I suppose.

This Is All There Is, There Ain't No More

 

Updated update: Now the truth can be told.

With so little left in the world to laugh about, I have found it increasingly difficult to come up with worthy additions to this blog's long and storied history.

It all started on December 24, 2007. When the first post was posted here, it was mostly an attempt to establish a Web presence for the title of my then-soon-to-be-self-published book, ALMOST THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUTH MINISTRY: Salesmen, Secretaries, and Smart Alecks.

There was enough of an initial response to encourage me to keep going. Little did those fools know that I would pull an Energizer Bunny on them and just... keep... going!

Over 14 years later, though, and it's time to say so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, adieu.

This outlet has never "gone viral," gotten popular, or gained much traction at all. The click-bait-titled "Pictures Inappropriate for History Books!" has proven to be the most popular post ever posted, but it didn't result in very many new subscribers.

Let's just say that I'm grateful for the handful of faithful readers, but I've come to the realization that I'm expending far too much energy for far too little return. Almost the Truth Publishing's purpose statement, "If laughter is the best medicine, ALMOST THE TRUTH™ exists to heal the world," is all well and good, but I'm just too tired to keep trying.

So get out there and create your own happiness and humor. Laughter is where you find it and, similar to beauty, in the slightly-twisted mind of the beholder.

Observed Absurdities™ 55 - A Step Beyond "Butthead"

 

A couple months ago, when people were still mostly masking up and the world was longing for a return to what might pass for normal, I was browsing through the aisles of my local drugstore and passed a display for face shields specifically designed for children to wear.

I've never been a big fan of the "poop emoji." I just think it's gross. I don't get why people think it's a cute response to anything.

That being said, imagine my absolute befuddlement at seeing the following design choice for a child's face shield:

The parent who buys this for their kid...did they ever really want children??!?

Observed Absurdities™ 54 - Possibly NSFW

 

When in the need of a little chuckle, I suggest heading over to Facebook Marketplace to behold the wonders for sale there.

So...um...if you buy some ready-made carpentry work from HomeDepot, they give you a virtual apron? Like an apron meme, or what?

Why is this picture attached to a notice for a house being for rent? Is she the landlord? Is she the reason the people who own the house are leaving for a whole month?

Two things:

       1) Do they seriously think someone will pay $50 for a single Cheetoh?

       2) I guess it kind of looks like an ax, but my mind is twisted enough to rotate it clockwise 90 degrees and think it looks like something that shouldn't be printed in a family-friendly humor blog.

Fan Theory About the 443rd Greatest Song of All Time

 

Bob Marley and the Wailers wrote it, but Eric Clapton had the hit with it...and we have yet to truly understand what Sheriff Brown had against Bob.

The long-standing nature of the feud sung about in "I Shot the Sheriff" is right there in the first verse:

Sheriff John Brown always hated me

For what I don't know

Every time that I plant a seed

He said, "Kill it before it grows."

Here's my twisted theory: The singer got the sheriff's daughter pregnant and the sheriff demanded that his daughter have an abortion.

There's no way to know whether the pregnancy was terminated, but apparently, the singer had had enough of the whole situation and decided to claim his freedom and leave town...which the sheriff, for some reason, opposed...and it all ended badly:

Freedom came my way one day

And I started out of town

All of a sudden I see sheriff John Brown

Aiming to shoot me down

So I shot, I shot him down

Still no word on who shot the deputy or why.