What if ABBA Were Vikings?

 

Poor Bjorn. A Viking's life of transatlantic pillaging just wasn't fulfilling. He needed a creative outlet. So, he turned his back on the ocean, grabbed a few friends, and formed the group, ABBA: After-Boat Bjorn Associates.

They did amazingly well in the cutthroat music business...perhaps because they were already familiar with cutting throats. Just look at the string of Top-40 hits they produced:

Rowing Me and Rowing You  -  We'll go in circles with one, not two

S.O.S  -  The raft you gave me, nothing else can save me, S.O.S.

Take a Cruise  -  If you loot this town, I will be around. Lena, I'm still free. Take a cruise with me.

Bjarney  -  The wind was filling up our sails that night, the stars were bright, Bjarney. You were using them to plot our course, because we're Norse, Bjarney.

Waterlogged  -  Waterlogged! Couldn't float now even in a bog. Waterlogged! Knowing my fate is to sleep with frogs.

Mamma Mia  -  Mamma mia, you Italians! My my, how I love to pillage!

Viking Queen  -  Use an axe! Use a knife! No problem taking a life. Ooh, see that girl; she's so mean, diggin' the Viking queen!

To see/hear the author reading/singing this post, click here.

Musical Gas Pumps 3: John, Paul, George, and Diesel

 

You'll be glad to know that I am still singing songs to authorize in-store payment for out-store vehicle fueling at the gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium known within the confines of this blog as FastStop.

Further good news is that there is now a list of Beatles parodies that are bringing surprise, delight, and/or shock and dismay to unsuspecting motorists.

(I Saw Her Standing There)

Well, you are on pump 17

And you're getting gasoline

Yeah, your pickup truck looks way beyond compare

Please come inside to pay; whooooo

Before you drive away

(Let It Be)

When you find yourself out at pump 10

Getting fuel at FastStop today

Heed these words of wisdom, "Come in to pay"

(Lady Madonna)

Hey there, pump 7

Getting gas today

When you're through, here's what to do

Come inside to pay

(Eight Days a Week)

I see you at pump 6

Getting fuel today

When your tank is filled up

Please don't drive away

Oh, come inside to pay

Don't you dare drive away

I'm selling fuel at FastStop

Eight days a week

To hear these tunes in all their radiant splendor, go to YouTube by CLICKING HERE.

By the Time I Get Exhausted

 

Number 450 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time is a geographical hot mess.

Jimmy Webb starts "By the Time I Get to Phoenix" with these words:

By the time I get to Phoenix, she'll be rising

Assuming he's starting from Los Angeles and that she's getting up around 6:30 to get ready for her morning commute, that means he needs to start heading east on Interstate 10 at 1:00 AM.

The second verse starts:

By the time I make Albuquerque, she'll be working

She'll probably stop at lunch and give me a call

To make that bit of narrative possible, he'll head roughly northeast on a series of state highways until he hits I-40...and she'll be taking her lunch break at 1:00.

Third verse. Different than the first. And our little map adventure gets a little bit worse:

By the time I make Oklahoma, she'll be sleeping

This is where I start disbelieving the whole scenario.

From Albuquerque, New Mexico, to the Oklahoma state line is a drive of five hours and 45 minutes. It is now 6:45 PM in Los Angeles, she obviously has taken at least one dose of a sleeping pill, and he has driven for almost 18 hours.

Methinks he's a little obsessed with the whole romantic notion of traveling across the country just to prove her wrong when she thinks that he won't really go.

Wouldn't leaving his apartment key on top of a tersely-written note suffice? Sheesh.

Observed Absurdities™ 51 - Personal Hobbies Breaking Bad

 

I've been told that one positive result of 2020 and self-quarantining and all that jazz is the blossoming of hidden interests and abilities. It seems almost everyone is developing a new hobby for themselves.

Normally, I would say that's a good thing, but methinks this particular bookstore is feeding into a slightly dangerous obsession.

The Twist of "The Twist" Goes Like This

 

Landing at 451 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time is "The Twist" (not to be confused with "The Twizzle", Dick Van Dyke fans). It was first recorded as a throwaway B side by Ballard and the Midnighters in 1958, but became a number one hit when recorded and released in 1960 by Chubby Checker (not to be confused with Fats Domino, word origin fans).

The twist you may be expecting is the bit-o-trivia that Chubby Checker's recording is the only single in pop music history to have reached number one on the charts two separate times; once in 1960 and again in 1962.

But the twist I'm talking about isn't that.

I'm pretty sure you've never been told that not only did Checker rerecord "The Twist," he also changed the words.

You're no doubt familiar with:

Come on, baby

Let's do the twist

Come on, baby

Let's do the twist

Take me by my little hand

And go like this

But did you know that the lyric was originally:

Come on, doctor

Remove my cyst

What's wrong, doctor?

Should I assist?

Be careful with my little hand

I'm a guitarist

Stick around, kids, I'm full of all kinds of stuff you never knew.

Recall This Product...Please

 

Every so often, when I'm working at my local gas station/convenience store/tobacco emporium (FastStop), the computer behind the cash registers will sound an alarm, vibrate, and start to emit wisps of acrid smoke.

This is its passive-aggressive way of letting us know there is an important message that needs attention.

On February 10th of this year, that important message was about a product recall:

"Tropicana, Inc. is voluntarily withdrawing a specific lot of KeVita Cucumber Rosemary Sparkling Probiotic 15.2 oz because it is mislabeled."

I'm pretty sure the reason it was mislabeled is that it was misnamed, which happened because it was misflavored. Surely, they meant to ship out some Watermelon Kiwi Nectar of Delight or Raspberry Grape Taste Explosion, right?

"Cucumber Rosemary Sparkling Probiotic"?

They might as well have tried to foist Pickle Lilac Carbonated Calamine on the assembled masses.

Nowhere Near a Zillion Z Words

 

An itsy bit from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Zagged (verb)  -  What I should have done when I actually zigged

Zaman (n)  -  What you are

Zany (phrase)  -  The question asked when the speaker wants to know if some examples of what is being searched for have been located visually.

Zap (n)  -  Politically incorrect nickname for a native of Zapan

Zapper (n)  -  An electric goad used for changing television channels

ZEAL (acronym)  -  Zebras Exiting Africa Legally

Zeal (n)  -  any of numerouz carnivorouz marine mammalz that live chiefly in cold regionz and have limbz modified into webbed flipperz adapted primarily to zwimming; often erroneouzly confuzed with a zea lion.

Zebra (n)  -  Can't even imagine how large that must be

Zesty (n)  -  Where French pigs live

Zigged (verb)  -  What I actually did when I should have zagged.