The Sorriest Song on the Top 500 List

 

Coming in at Number 455 on Rolling Stone's list of the "500 Greatest Songs of All Time" is a little ditty that needs to seriously rethink its relationships.

Rolling Stone calls it a "haunting meditation on remorse." I call it a repetitive set of couplets that will say anything in order to create a rhyme.

It starts out with a little bit of promise: "What else could I be? All apologies."

Okay. Apparently, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were having issues and he has decided to write a song to express his regret for his part in the conflict. Fine intention, though "what else could I be" doesn't really sound all that apologetic, does it? It seems kind of like "I am what I am! Sorry!"

And then it immediately goes south with the second line: "What else could I say? Everyone is gay."

Seriously, Kurt? Everyone? Gay?

I think what actually happened is that Kurt was sitting around strumming his guitar and he would say the first part of a line and Will Ferrell would spit out the first rhyme that came to mind.

Kurt: What else could I say?

Will: Uh...umm...Everyoneisgay!

Kurt: What else could I write?

Will: I don't have the right.

Kurt: You're kidding. That doesn't rhyme. It's the same BLEEPing word.

Will: They only sound the same. They're spelled differently. They're homophones.

Kurt: You got something against the LGBTQ community?

Will: Just go on.

Kurt: I'll take all the blame.

Will: Aqua seafoam shame.

Kurt: That's ridiculous! Get serious, Will!

Will: Fine.

Kurt: Sunburn. Freezer burn.

Will: Choking on the ashes of her enemy.

Kurt: That doesn't even rhyme!

Will: True, but it's very serious.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I've never been a Nirvana fan. And I make no apologies about that.

It's Not the Heat, It's the Humans

 

It has certainly been ungeographically hot for a while now.

I made up the term "ungeographically" to replace the more-normal word that would go in that sentence: "unseasonably".

Because the thing is, this stretch of highs in the 90-degree range fits right in with it being June...if I lived in a desert!

I'm in Minnesnowda for farnsworth's sake! People around here are used to needing to chip open the frozen mailbox as late as the 20th of May. Needing to run air conditioning other than during the two weeks of the State Fair in late August is unheard of.

However...

I refuse to actually complain. I don't want to be like the string of customers that drag themselves through FastStop's doors whining about how cold it is in February and March and then ALSO groaning and moaning about any heat that happens to make it up from the Gulf of Mexico during July.

And then there's those that actually prefer the cold: "I can always put on another sweater, but once I reach naked, I'm stuck."

There's a term for those who like the bitter cold of winter in the Great White North: weirdo.

"Look! I can throw boiling water into the air and it instantly turns into a cloud of ice crystals! Isn't it wonderful?"

Yeah, just as wonderful as how when I open my eyes, they instantly turn into frozen marbles.

♪♫ Dying in a winter wonderland ♫♪

Wonky W Words

A whittling from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Wabbit (noun)  -  Elmer Fudd's prey of choice

WAD (acronym)  -  Wet And Dirty

Waddle (v)  -  Elton John's seductive manner of walking, found in the song "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word": "Waddle I do to make you love me"

WADE (acronym)  -  Walking Ankle Deep Easily

Wader (n)  -  Person who takes your food order at a slightly-flooded restaurant

Wading (v)  -  How the rock group Foreigner starts romantic relationships: "I've been wading for a girl like you to come into my life"

Wafer (n)  -  A long distance

Waffle (n)  -  A pancake with built-in traction so the maple syrup cannot escape

 

Whacky (adj)  -  The way someone behaves after they've been smacked around a bit

Winsome (clause)  -  ...aaaand you losesome

Kart Rest: Fun With Star Trek Anagrams

 

All this week, over at the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, we've been referencing 1966's answer to 1936's Flash Gordon, a little barely-noticed television show called Star Trek.

What better way to cap off the silliness than to revisit a linguistic game we haven't done for a while and see what odd or ironic phrases can be formed using the letters in Star-Trek-related names?

William Shatner ... Will is Earthman

Captain Kirk ... Tick in parka

Leonard Nimoy ... I'm only a drone

Mister Spock ... Mocks priest

DeForest Kelley ... Re: old fleet keys

Doctor McCoy ... Coy cot, Mr. Cod

Nichelle Nichols ... I clench hellions

Lt. Uhura ... Hula rut

James Doohan ... Has Jan mooed?

Montgomery Scott ... Cottony Grommets

George Takei ... Go, irate geek!

Hikaru Sulu ... Risk uh luau

Walter Koenig ... To age, wrinkle

Ensign Chekov ... No hecks given

Gambling Leads to Murder: Film at Eleven

 

The World Wide Wackfest tells me the 456th greatest song of all time is "Stagger Lee" by Lloyd Price and that it is a folk song based on an actual homicide around Christmas of 1895 in St. Louis.

Without the early R&B backbeat and the background vocalists' incessant chanting of "Oh Stagger Lee," it does sound a bit like breaking news, starting with a short weather report:

The night was clear and the moon was yellow and the leaves came tumbling down. I was standing on the corner when I heard my bulldog bark. He was barkin' at the two men who were gamblin' in the dark.

It was Stagger Lee and Billy; two men who gambled late. Stagger Lee threw seven, Billy swore that he threw eight.

Stagger Lee told Billy, "I can't let you go with that. You have won all my money and my brand new Stetson hat."

Stagger Lee went home and he got his forty-four; said, "I'm goin' to the barroom just to pay that debt I owe."

Stagger Lee went to the barroom and he stood across the barroom door. He said, "Nobody move!" and he pulled his forty-four.

"Stagger Lee!" cried Billy, "Oh, please don't take my life! I've got three little children and a very sickly wife."

Stagger Lee shot Billy. Oh, he shot that poor boy so bad 'till the bullet came through Billy and it broke the bartender's glass.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

But hey, it's got a good beat and is easy to dance to. I give it an 80.

I'm a Winner!

 

For those not in the know, I have been "between contracts" since the end of July. Not to worry, though, as the combination of Beloved's job, my part-time hours at FastStop, unemployment payments, and eating nothing but saltines and peanut butter have gotten us through quite nicely.

Still, imagine my barely-contained excitement to receive a piece of first-class mail from Publisher's Clearing House declaring that I'm a winner!

I mean, Publisher's Clearing House, former home of Ed McMahon and creator of millionaires, sent a real, live, depositable check to little ol' me!

Finally, my years of clicking through list after list of kitchen gadgets, towels so soft you can't tell you're touching them, CD compilations of country music's most-loved classics, and magazines no one has ever heard of...finally...it's all paying off.

Imagine how my fingers were trembling to the point of ineffectiveness as I carefully tore open the envelope.

Imagine my breathless anticipation as I gripped the check between my forefinger and thumb and gently brought it to the light of day.

Imagine my shock and amazement as I read the printing on that precious piece of paper: "PAY TO THE ORDER OF MR DUANE ROTH...$5.00."

I spent 45 minutes fruitlessly searching the envelope for a bunch of missing zeros.

Varied V Words

 

A limited volume of entries from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Vacancies (n)  -  Can-producing factories in Virginia

Vacate (phrase)  -  Answer to the question, "What did the vacuum do with my sock?"

Vacation (n)  -  A period of rest and relaxation after which one must go back to work in order to rest and relax

Vaccine (n)  -  A monthly periodical about Hoover, Bissell, and Dyson

Vacuous (adj)  -  Describing an event or activity that really sucks

Vagabond (n)  -  An investment security for the benefit of wanderers

Vagaries (n)  -  Like groceries, but with feminine hygiene products

Vagrant (n)  -  A bombastic declaration about the female anatomy

Vanish (adj)  -  Having some characteristics similar to a van

VULGAR (acronym)  -  Very Ugly Language Geared Against Righteousness