Almost the Truthlets, the Second

Here's another collection of "status updates" that have previously appeared on the Almost the Truth^TM Publishing FaceBook page, which you should definitely go to and "Like."

• Behind every good man is a good man’s behind.
• Better to light a single candle than curse the darkness…but it’s even BETTER to set a huge pile of wood aflame and then curse the heat.
• It’s raining. It’s pouring. The old man is getting wet.
• Wednesday, Wednesday…can’t trust THAT day either.
• Which came first…the chicken or the nugget?
• In the beginning, God created the sevens and the mirth.
• When the going gets tough, that sucks.
• People who live in glass houses shouldn't.
• Leftover Mole Ranchero makes an excellent lunch...if you pronounce it correctly
• God so loved the whirled that he shaved his only forgotten nephew.
• To infinity…and…that pretty much covers it.
• A good cry is only as strong as its leakiest wink.
• All the leaves are brown, and the sky is...well...not.
• Jimmy cracks corn and who gives a rip?
• E=MCHammer
• Sleigh bells ring...it's annoying
• Should old acquaintance be for naught and never bought or kind...
• If you can't say anything nice, try sarcasm.
• For every action, there's an unequal and opposite over-reaction.
• If you can't stand the heat, move to Minnesota.
• 2, 4, 6, 8...Be careful when you masticate. Foot, ankle, patella, hip...bite the food and not your lip!
• Pepsi…the choice of an obese generation
• Don't judge a Nook by its cover.
• You can lead a horse to water...good for you.
• How much praying may a praying mantis pray if a praying mantis may pray...man...tis...
• A watched pot is a lousy choice for an evening’s entertainment.
• Oh, the weather outside is frightful…RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
• If at first you don’t succeed, that’s pretty much normal.

Facts-Izz-Me

It's amazing what a feller can learn while sitting on the porcelain throne (Thank you, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader):

• The 1896 Old Farmer's Almanac gave instructions for kissing. Tip #1: "Take good aim."
• On average, it takes 157 seconds to traverse a McDonald's drive-through.
• Singer Sheryl Crow's two top front teeth are fake.
• The average boat owner will spend 20 days on his or her boat this year.
• It can take five years for an oyster to make a pearl.
• The odds are 1 out of 3 that you've nearly fallen asleep at work in the past month.
• Actor Dan Aykroyd has webbed toes.
• The average American spends $100 more per year on footwear than on vegetables.
• Buckwheat is not related to wheat. (No word on its connection to buck)
• During the 1930's, speed typing was a popular competitive sport.
• A third of the world's population has no access to electricity.
• During the 5-year run of TV's The Brady Bunch, the word "sex" was spoken only twice.
• First ocean liner with a swimming pool: The Titanic

Almost Good Friday

Jesus had spent the week in Jerusalem trying his best to rile the Powers That Be.

Sunday, he was the main attraction in an impromptu parade, for which he had no permit. It resulted in several instances of littering and disturbing the peace. Monday, he disrupted commerce in the temple, putting himself on the wrong side of the merchants. Tuesday and Wednesday, he got in the faces of the religious leaders, practically daring them to stop him ("Man, a guy can't even get arrested in this town!"). As it turned out, it was up to one of his own, Judas Iscariot, to actually infuse some gumption into the Uppity Mucks (UMs) so they would finally arrest Jesus late Thursday night.

And what a joke that after-hours trial was. If the UMs really wanted to put an end to Jesus ("So like John before him, this Jesus must die" - Jesus Christ Superstar), they should have prepped the witnesses better, so they wouldn't have had to hear things like...

• "This guy healed people...on the Sabbath...only a naughty-naughty would break the Sabbath rules by, you know, working...um...miracles...and...stuff."
• "I heard him say he was going to tear down the temple. You could get him for...uh...attempt to conspire to commit unauthorized demolition."
• "No, no, no...he said that the temple could be torn down but that he could build it back up in just three days. Charge him with flagrant stupidity and delusions of grandeur."

It finally came down to Jesus needing to give them what they were looking for: a capital offense. He acknowledged that he was the very son of God, which, to the UMs, had to be blasphemy of the highest order, unless they were supposed to believe that this guy who healed the sick and raised the dead and opened blind eyes and restored leprous limbs and taught timeless wisdom and answered the most difficult questions put to him was actually, you know, God-on-Earth.

Yeah, like THAT was going to happen...

Almost the News XIX

Workshop at Five Sites Offers Parents Tips
"We knew if we wanted people to attend this all-day workshop," explains event coordinator, Jennie Dahlmer, "we would have to serve lunch. We were a little nervous when our supplier informed us they were all out of beef tips, but I think we've worked out a suitable alternative."

Women in Combat Spurs Draft Sign-Up Debate
Members of the National Organization for Women (NOW) have expressed mixed attitudes about this latest development in our nation's armed forces. Says one unofficial spokesperson, "It is only fitting and proper for women to be involved in planning the sign-up debate, but why do the media insist on commenting on their footwear? What possible difference should that make?!?"

N.Y. Woman Found Dead in Turkey
"I was already amazed at how large the bird was," said Brooklyn housewife, Freida Farnsworth, "but when I started pulling out the gizzards and found my neighbor in there...well, I nearly fainted."

SUV Driver Killed After Hitting Train
One vigilante was heard saying, "C'mon, boys, we can't let that SUV driver get away with assaulting the train!"

Farmer Must Stand Trial in Milk Case
As my good friend, SamWise, often says...some jokes just write themselves.

A Bleeping Apology to My Children

I've been thinking about the language restrictions Beloved and I placed upon our four offspring when they were young, and I'm convinced we owe them an apology.

In their growing up years, AngelFace, BuckEye, ActorBoy, and KayJay were the children of a Professional Youth Minister, so the use of actual this-will-earn-an-R-rating language was never even up for discussion. Beloved and I didn't talk like that, and it was just assumed that neither would our children. And that's not really the kind of language restrictions I'm apologizing for.

The subject at hand is a little more...strange...than that.

It started fairly innocently. We outlawed the use of the word "stupid." Because it was most-often used as an adjective describing a sibling, it was way easier to do a blanket ban, rather than try to set up a decision tree on whether it would be appropriate in a given situation.

That was fine, but where we really went wrong was substituting our own words for bodily functions.

I didn't like the thought of looking at my sweet, innocent child's face as she stared into my eyes and then crudely announced, "I have to POOP." Something about it just seemed gross, so we came up with a substitute: "I have to go yucky."

Yes, I am well aware that we may have only made it worse.

To "yucky," add "let a poo-poo," "powder my nose," and "oopsy-doopsy," and you'll wonder how The Four RothChilds ever made it through high school.

Please forgive me, kids.

C4N U R34D 7H15?

Just 4 the phun uv it, heerz a cuhpull uv X-R-Sizes in cree8iv reeding...

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in: the olny iprmoetnt fatcor is taht the frist and lsat ltteres be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Petrty amzanig, huh?

(With thanks to that 4M4Z1NG source of all things trivial, Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, and the openly sharing community of FaceBook)

Observed Absurdities™ 9 - Speechless (Would Have Been Preferred)

Loyal and trusty reader (and co-worker), Queen CanDo, saw the following posted by someone on FaceBook. It is quoted exactly, though I have replaced generally-accepted-as-naughty words with less-offensive alternatives. 

I wish have to change make back to past FIX it everything my life to today.  I have lot of [solid waste] in my mind.  I not mean to rude, cocky, [exit port of digestive system] and else.  Its Not my fault!...And I not kind of person like [exit port of digestive system]..i have BIG heart!...Seem not enough to show them peoples….

I think the zombie apocalypse has already happened, brains have been eaten, and the freedom of speech needs to be repealed in some select instances.