If knowledge is power, you are about to become invincible

Thanks go to the Bathroom Readers' Institute, and Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, for the following random acts of factosity.

• Humans have 46 chromosomes; potatoes have 48.
• Most of South America is east of New York City
• "Tooth Fairy" is a registered trademark of Colgate.
• The only animals that can get leprosy: humans and armadillos.
• The higher an orange grows on its tree, the more Vitamin C it contains.
• French fries are the most-commonly-requested item for death-row inmates' final meal. (Don't they know those things are bad for your health?!?)
• Women who regularly eat breakfast cereal before pregnancy are 87% more likely to have a boy.
• In China, it is considered rude to suck on your chopsticks. (But it's hilarious to tell someone to go do that.)
• Collectively, New York City cab drivers travel more than a million miles a day.
• The ancient Egyptians used crocodile-dung suppositories as contraceptives. (Totally makes sense. It's hard to get pregnant when your partner is running away from you holding his nose.)

Observed Absurdities™ 8 - Bras Are Not Billfolds

I am bewitched, bemused, and befuddled as to what led this business establishment to establish this business practice. They must get a lot of customers who are pole dancers or guys from Chippendale's...

The Saga of the Christmas Tree Stand

'Twas early December, and all through the house, I searched and searched for the Christmas tree stand that used to be used with our third, and smallest, tree...

We hadn't set up the third tree for at least a couple years, but Beloved decided she wanted it up this time around. So, I pulled the artificial thing down from its shelf in the garage. I was fairly certain I had seen its stand, last year, in the refrigerator box in which we store our largest tree.

My certainty holds no sway over reality.

The stand was not in the refrigerator box. It was not in the box with the tree itself. It was not in the garage. I swear...it was NOT. IN. THE. GARAGE.

Oh well, how much could it cost to buy a replacement, right?

Having traveled to three different retail outlets before finding a single replacement stand for an artificial tree, I discovered the answer to that question:  $12.89

With the new stand purchased and the instruction sheet deciphered, our holiday season was appropriately graced by a third fake evergreen, making our basement family room a wonder to behold.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

With our annual celebration of Jesus' birth over, the ornaments were nestled all snug in their cartons, the strings of lights formed into the traditional wad, and the trees disassembled and squeezed into their boxes.

When attempting to return the smallest tree to its shelf in the garage, I had some trouble. There was something blocking the way; keeping me from sliding the box all the way to the wall.

You guessed it...I found the original tree stand...which had, obviously, come to life and did a hide-and-seek routine with me in order to play with my mind. (It must like small toys.)

2013 Headline Wish List

With the coming year coming soon, here are some headlines I look forward to seeing:

Publisher's Clearinghouse Prize Patrol Makes Visit to Minnesota Blogger

Every Female Recording Artist No Longer Sounds the Same

Celebrities Have Stopped Feeling It Necessary to Advertise Their Sexual Preferences

Apparently, Paris Hilton Has Ceased to Exist
(I think this one may actually be true!)

Skyline Chili Opens Restaurant in Apple Valley, Minnesota

Director Peter Jackson Says "Just Kidding" and Releases The Hobbit as a Two-Part Film Instead of Trilogy

Pete Seeger Leads the General Chiefs of Staff in a Rousing Rendition of "I Ainta Gonna Study War No More"

Required Deportation Begins for Everyone Not Exhibiting a Clear Understanding of the Difference between "Your" and You're"

Happy Birthday To This

Five years ago next Monday (12/24), with a whimper you can read by clicking here, this blog was born.

Not everything I said in that first posting has come to pass. For instance, "Not everything you read here will be absolutely true, but much of it will have a point of some sort or other." Part A of that statement? On the nose. Part B? Well...let's just say that most of my meaningful points have been saved for a different blog that began just this past March, Truth is....

To celebrate the anniversary of my entrance into the blogosphere, I offer the following statistics, all of which (as of yesterday) are true...but probably pointless.

• Total number of posts: 264
• Total number of pageviews: 6,086
• Average views per post: If you're really interested, do the math. (See? It IS useful in real life!)
• Most-viewed post, with a total of 126: Paul's First Epistle to Facebookians
• Strangest search keywords that brought someone to the blog: Walter Deubener
• Second strangest search keywords: Caution handle with care I'm hot
• Location where all of my books can be purchased: Dewey's Lulu Store
• Sneaky product placement: See above
• Almost the Truth has a globally-diverse audience. No surprise that most pageviews originate in the United States, but that is followed, in order, by Germany, Russia, United Kingdom, Canada, Ukraine, Slovenia, South Korea, China, and Denmark.
• The referring URL that has resulted in the most pageviews is a Russian search engine! (If the Cold War was still on, I'd insert some joke about almost-truth and the Russian government. Feel free to ad lib one of your own.)

Thanks for coming along on the ride as I do my best to honor the mission statement posted on the Almost the Truth(TM) Publishing FaceBook page (visible here): If laughter is the best medicine, ALMOST THE TRUTH™ exists to heal the world.

Almost the News XVIII

Actor Suspected in Killing Falls to Death
"Yeah, we're pretty sure and confident," says police spokesperson, Reggie Dundant, "that waterfall will never flow or splash ever again or in the future. That actor-theater guy killled it to death."

Couple Accused of Collecting $500 Ransom for Neighbor's Dog
In his statement to the press, the accused 19-year-old man declared, "What's the big deal? The dog couldn't collect the money himself. We were doing it a favor!"

As 3 Cars Collide, 1 Hits House; 5 Are Injured
Scientists are still trying to determine how five cars could get injured when only three collided.

Credit Card Borrowing Drops
Said the Visa to the MasterCard, "Could I use your Ricola? My throat's really sore."

Pedestrian Hit By School Bus In Fair Condition
According to the school district's transportation manager, Emma Walker, the bus "has a little rust in the wheel wells and burns up oil a bit, but other than that, it's in decent shape."

Insurer Apologizes to Deputy Over Dog
It was a nice gesture for the insurance company to treat the deputy to a meal while the adjuster offered a formal apology, but the menu choice was highly questionable.

Five Buggy Riders Hurt in Semi Hit-and-Run
Barron County Sheriff Chris Fitzgerald reported it was really more of a tag-and-trot than an actual hit-and-run.

Should You Friend Your Boss on Facebook?
Uh...no. (File under "Stupidest Questions On Earth")

I've Been Wondering...

...is it just me, or do a lot of people have Bugs Bunny jump into their head when they hear classical music?