The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1980s

 

Having foolishly skipped over the 1980s in last year's transmogrification of hit songs into holiday songs, our editors have gathered here today to oversee the fixing of that grievous oversight.

Crazy Little Thing Called Eggnog  -  ♫♪ This thing...called eggnog...I just...can't handle it ♪♫

I Love a Snowy Night  -  Eddie Rabbitt's winter update to his Number One hit

The Sleigh Is High  -  ♫♪ The sleigh is high so I'm holding on ♪♫

High Fructose and Red Dye 3  -  Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder remake "Ebony & Ivory" for the Christmas candy season

All Night Long (Santa's Ride)  -  ♫♪ Ho ho, my friends, the time has come to land on the roof and hand out fun ♪♫

Born of a Virgin  -  Madonna sings about her namesake

Toybusters  -  ♫♪ When the gift you got...just plain don't work...who ya gonna blame? Toybusters! ♪♫

Greatest Ghost of All  -  Whitney Houston had a huge hit with the theme song to A Christmas Carol

The Sleigh You Make Me Feel  -  ♫♪ The sleigh you make me feel. The gift I'm forced to give. The knockoff bargain bin...♪♫

Walk Like an Egyptian  -  Few people realize this Bangles hit is about the holy family's post-Bethlehem escape

Don't Worry, Be Jolly  -  ♫♪ Here's a little song I wrote to help Santa not slice his throat" Don't worry. Be Jolly. ♪♫

I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For  -  U2 laments shopping at the last minute

Rock-n-Roll Disney

 

What if some of the greatest rock acts of all time were bought out by the Walt Disney Company? (With thanks to Dan Piraro's Bizarro comic for the inspiration)

Fleetwood Mickey

Cindiella Lauper sings "Princesses Just Wanna Have Fun"

Winnie the Who

Tinker Swift

Sweet Mysteries of Life

 

...Well...maybe not so sweet...

via GIPHY

Why don't stores that sometimes have Quaker Oat Squares always have Quaker Oat Squares?

Who was the first to wonder about the chucking abilities of a woodchuck?

In the song Why Do Fools Fall in Love?, which came first, being foolish or being in love?

Why is minute spelled the same as minute? (As in, "It took me a minute to find the minute error.")

When I am inching my way backward out of a parking space, obviously unable to see if any other vehicle is approaching because of the cars parked on either side of me, why in the name of Farnsworth would you speed up to place your vehicle directly in my path?

Why is august spelled the same as August? (As in, "The august event will take place in August.")

And while we're at it, why do the words chew, chef, and chemistry all start with the same two letters but different sounds?

Leonard Skinnardsen: The 398th Greatest Song of All Time

 

What if The Sons of Norway did the 398th greatest song of all time instead of Lynyrd Skynyrd?

We play Duck Duck Grey Duck
While detractors raise a din
They insist it's Duck Duck Goose
Back in the land where they've been
And I think it's a sin, yes

Well I heard Frank Sinatra sing about her
Well I heard Chicago's a toddlin' town
Well I hope Old Blue Eyes will remember
A northern man don't need him around anyhow

Sweet home Minnesota
10,000 lakes maybe more
Sweet Home Minnesota
Loons a-callin' on every shore

In Minneapolis they love the Lutherans
The Catholics kind of own Saint Paul
But the way we drink every weekend
You'd wonder if we believe at all

Sweet home Minnesota
Mosquitos are our official bird
Sweet Home Minnesota
And uffda's clearly our favorite word

Now Paisley Park has got the TAFKAP
Making hits, more than a few
Got me clapping hands on two and four
Which Scandahoovians seldom do
Now how 'bout you?

Sweet home Minnesota
Where it's winter 6 months a year
Sweet Home Minnesota
Gotcha wonderin' why you moved here

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. VI

 

You know how the character Raj on The Big Bang Theory couldn't talk in the presence of women and how fake that seemed? That's a real condition called selective mutism and was based on a former co-worker of one of the creators/executive producers of the show.

The author of The Giving Tree, Shel Silverstein, wrote a lot of songs, several of which became radio hits for other artists, e.g., Boy Named Sue (Johnny Cash), Cover of the Rolling Stone (Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show), One's on the Way (Loretta Lynn), and The Unicorn (Irish Rovers).

Maybe I should write a book titled Crying at Sunrise: Mourning All Morning.

A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.

In the movie Jaws, Sherriff Brody's classic line after seeing the shark for the first time, "You're gonna need a bigger boat," was an ad lib by the actor, Roy Scheider.

Paul Lynde was once pulled over for driving on the sidewalk. The traffic cop flipped open his pad to write the ticket and Lynde said, “I’ll take a cheeseburger, hold the fries.” (And the cop chuckled and said, “Get outta here”!)

I have a cough that's so rough it ought to have brought the tree's bough through a dollop of dough.

Inspirational Science Fiction Westerns

 

Saw this sign at the library and thought, "Now THERE'S a fairly specific genre!"

How many titles could there possibly be on that shelf?

• Start with Why the Matrix Reloaded Rio Bravo
• Tuesdays with the Man Who Shot Mad Max
• Planet of the Blazing Saddles Less Traveled
• Back to the Purpose-Driven Assassination of Jesse James
• Star Wars: The Magnificent Seven Can Heal Your Life
• Butch Cassidy and the Last Lecture of Kahn
• Man's Search for Close Encounters of True Grit
• The Untethered Jurassic 3:10 to Yuma
• The Good, the Bad, and the 7 Habits of Highly Effective Terminators

Pleasant Dreams? : The 399th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Being a non-fan of heavy metal and hard rock, I had never heard "Enter Sandman" by Metallica. So, I looked up the lyrics. They start out like a pleasant lullaby, but quickly get a little creepy:

I tuck you in, warm within

Keep you free from sin

Till the Sandman he comes

Sleep with one eye open

Gripping your pillow tight

As if the driving drumbeat, fuzzy guitar, and gravel-filled vocal weren't enough, they up the nightmare inducement in the second verse:

Something's wrong, shut the light

Heavy thoughts tonight

And they aren't of Snow White

Dreams of war, dreams of liars

Dreams of dragon's fire

And of things that will bite

As I was reading these words, I thought, "This is as bad as 'Now I lay me down to sleep...If I should die before I wake'." Then I saw that Metallica quotes that What-Were-They-Thinking prayer as part of the bridge.

But wait! There's more!

Hush little baby, don't say a word

And never mind that noise you heard

It's just the beasts under your bed

In your closet, in your head

At this point, I wonder why they stopped there. They could have lengthened the tune with even more childhood fears:

London Bridge is falling down

Jack fell down and broke his crown

Be you alive, or be you dead

I'll grind your bones to make my bread

Best beware of the farmer's wife

She'll cut off your tail with a carving knife

Ashes, ashes, all fall down

You'll be six feet underground

Almost the News XXX

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

EV Maker Tesla Breaks Ground on Megapack Energy-Storage Battery Factory in Shanghai
Local officials are baffled why Tesla would bother throwing clods at the Shanghai facility instead of just using a hoe.

Red Knights Down Defending Champs
Boys lacrosse coach, Runnit Uhgin, said, "The hardest part was liquefying the other team, but then it was just chug-a-lug!"

Gulf Coast Braces For Flooding
A loose-knit association of northwestern Florida orthodontists has released a statement favoring high water levels.

Attorney General Says Flawed Youth Charity Will Dissolve
"Just watch as I drop it in this vat of water."

Islamic State Group Says It's Behind Knifings in Germany
...but it's trying to catch up.

Observed Absurdities™ 69 - Oh the Places My Mind Will Go

 

It doesn't take much to send my mind on a swirling adventure. It can happen when I see something as simple as an instructional sign:

I read that and I wonder:

• Am I  allowed to smoke neither bare feet nor pets?
• Am I prohibited from smoking a barefooted pet?
• If a dog or cat has had the fur burned off their paws and is still smoldering, must they remain outside?
• Will any barefooted pet with a cigarette be evicted?

Kicks: The 400th Greatest Song of All Time

 

You know how "We've Only Just Begun" began as a commercial jingle and then got turned into a breakout hit by the Carpenters? (Click here to read a post about that.)

Well, "Kicks," by Paul Revere and the Raiders, took the same road, only in the opposite direction.

Reaching Number 4 on the national charts, "Kicks" was the group's first Top Ten hit and led to them being taken under Dick Clark's wings as the house band on his teen-oriented TV series, Where the Action Is.

Never being the kind of guys who would turn down a money-making opportunity, they accepted a proposal to take the anti-drug song, "Kicks"...

Girl, you thought you found the answer

On that magic carpet ride last night

But when you wake up in the mornin'

The world still gets you uptight

Well, there's nothin' that you ain't tried

To fill the emptiness inside

But when you come back down, girl

Still ain't feelin' right

And don't it seem like

Kicks just keep gettin' harder to find

And all your kicks ain't bringin' you peace of mind

Before you find out it's too late, girl

You better get straight

No, but not with kicks

...and turn it into a rockin' commercial for a cereal brand popular with children:

Girl, you thought that Frosted Flakes

Was the best thing on the shelf to eat

'Cause when you wake up in the mornin'

You're yearnin' for somethin' sweet

Well, there's somethin' that you ain't tried

To fill the emptiness inside

And when you swallow it down, girl

You'll know it can't be beat

Hey, silly rabbit, now

Kix just keep gettin' harder to find

Because our Kix fly off the shelves all the time

Now that the price has really dropped, girl

You better go shop

Yes, and get some Kix

P.S. The first and third paragraphs above are actually true.

P.P.S. Yes, I know the "silly rabbit" is the mascot for Trix, not Kix. Let me remind you that this is ALMOST the Truth.

#MakeDisneySciFi

 

What if Walt Disney had been a science fiction fanboy?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Starship Willie  -  Mickey's first starring role as a swashbuckling intergalactic captain.

Snow White and the Seven Ferengi  -  ♫♪ "Whistle while you floss..." ♪♫

The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Spock  -  Audiences found this one "fascinating."

Alice in Alderaan  -  "Curiouser and curiouser. It's getting quite hot. In fact, I think this place is about to explo--"

Davey Crockett: King of the Final Frontier  -  Fess Parker stars as the famous frontiersman wearing a tribble as a hat.

Peter Pandora  -  ♫ "What makes the blue man blue?" ♪♫

Transporting Beauty  -  An evil fairy's curse renders Auroa unable to stay in one place for more than two minutes without being beamed to a different location.

The Lightsaber in the Stone  -  "Whoso pulleth out this lightsaber of this stone and anvil and can get the blame thing to turn on is rightwise king, born of Darth." 

The Mechanical Mermaid  -  Ariel the Android runs off with a silverware manufacturing unit.

Beauty and the Transformer  -  ♫♪ "Gosh, it disturbs me to see you, Megatron, with such a big dent in your rear. Every guy here wants to be you, Megatron, even when stuck in first gear." ♪♫

Observed Absurdities™ 68 - Wyoming Edition

 

A-way back in the middle of last month, Beloved and I took 10 days to drive to, around, and back from the 44th state of the union, Wyoming.

In spite of the fact that Wyoming was the first state to take the progressive step of giving women the right to vote, it is mostly an old-fashioned, hard-core center of GetOffMyProperty individualism.

But that did not keep us from observing some decidedly absurd things during our visit.

Take, for instance, the following storefront sign that refuses entrance to any humans:

Or this confusing bit of mislabeling:

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

There was one sight that, while being absurd, was certainly not humorous.

We toured the Heart Mountain WWII Memorial Japanese Relocation Center near Powell, Wyoming. It shed light on a shameful, but mostly forgotten, chapter in the history of the United States...when thousands of Americans of Japanese descent  -  most of whom were U.S. citizens  -  were taken from their homes, stripped of any possessions that wouldn't fit in a single piece of baggage, and imprisoned in thrown-together towns of wood-and-tar-paper barracks surrounded by barbed wire and equipped with armed guards.

One of the most surprising sights at the site was this editorial cartoon, depicting Japanese Americans as potential saboteurs. What was so surprising about it, you ask? The fact that it was drawn by Dr. Seuss!

Green Eggs and Propaganda?

Stating the Obvious: The 401st Greatest Song of All Time

 

Rolling Stone said this about "Tonight's the Night":

The Shirelles were teens in Passaic, New Jersey, who formed the group while in high school. Lead singer Owens was nineteen when she co-wrote this hit about romantic surrender, full of Latin-style syncopation and soulful yearning.

What the magazine did NOT say was that "Tonight's the Night" was only one of many titles originally proposed:

• Today's the Day
• This Song Goes Like This
• A Deal's a Deal
• Boys Will Be Boys
• The Past Is the Past
• 'Tis a Wet Rain That's Falling
• Enough Is Enough
• Call Me on the Phone
• Sometimes, a Cigar's Just a Cigar
• I Know What I Know
• What's Done Is Done
• It Is What It Is

Never Hurts to Ask

 

There's no doubt in my mind that policing is a difficult job. Trying to keep our roadways and neighborhoods safe and free from crime is a noble calling.

Every so often, our highly-trained professional law enforcement officers need a little help, and there is no shame in realizing one's limitations and asking for it.

Sometimes that help comes from a concerned citizen. Sometimes, the police are hoping it comes from an ignorant perp.

For instance . . .

The following is a direct quote from a Lakeville, Minnesota police report:

Officers were dispatched to a found property call. Upon arrival, officers were handed a phone. Tucked in the back of the phone was a small baggie with cocaine inside. The phone was damaged, so officers were unable to identify an owner. If you know of anyone who lost their phone recently with a small baggie of cocaine in the phone case, please let them know we have it.

Final Book or Movie in the Series

 

On June 19, 2023, as a #MondayMirth feature on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page, I published the following comic, stolen from John Atkinson:

On June 19, 2024, when said post showed up in the page's Memories feed, I thought, "Maybe I could turn that idea into a whole blog post."

And maybe I did.

And maybe there's no better time to post it than on a Friday the 13th.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

Percy Jackson and the Morticians

Spider-man 13: Spidey Gets Raid-ed

The Hardy Boys: The Mystery of the Mixed-up Assisted Living Meds

Star Wars: The Flatulence of the Wookies

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Guillotine

Back to the Future 4 (in which, Marty travels in time to the exact moment he reaches 88 miles per hour and is caught in a chronological Mobius strip)

Malnourished Bird: Hunger's Not Just a Game Anymore

Harry Potter and the Potions Class Fiasco

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the Colon Cancer

Indiana Jones and the Myocardial Infarction

Creative Spelling: The 402nd Greatest Song of All Time

 

In early 1970, Sly and the Family Stone had a Number 1 hit with a song that most of us called "Thank You for Lettin' Me Be Myself Again." Unlike most of the songs on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, the thing about this song that makes me chuckle and grin is an actual factual true truth.

The spelling of the song's title, as seen on record labels and Top 40 radio hit lists, wins an Almost the Truth Spelling It the Way It Sounds Certificate of Merit.

Behold. . . 

Thank You Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin.

That's just wonderfully creative and leads a guy to imagine a vermin-themed Christmas scene worthy of Disney.

And it's reel, sew reel, sew reel, sew reel...kanyu diggit?

Observed Absurdities™ 67 - Whine List

 

My current employment situation allows me the wonderful opportunity to work from home almost completely. The only time we have to come into the office is when someone higher on the food chain is visiting from England...the land wherein resides the company that bought our company.

On those few occasions when we are enjoying each other's company on company premises, we often have lunch together as a team at a local eatery.

At a recent lunch gathering, the restaurant of choice featured Thai food and a snooty wine list.

It was the wine list that hit me squarely on the funny bone...to the point that I could barely control myself to be able to order.

This is an actual picture of the actual wine menu:

• "Flavors of ripe cherry smoked meats"  -  A meat-flavored drink? Ewww.
• "With a velvety finish"  -  (Velvet: a fabric of silk, nylon, acetate, rayon, etc., with a thick, soft pile formed of loops of the warp thread.) So you're telling me that drinking the Guenoc Pinot Noir will coat my tongue?
• "With a juicy mouthfeel"  -  Forget about completely making up the word mouthfeel, is there any way for a drink to not feel juicy?
• "Soft and round"  -  Most liquids are soft, I get that, but round? Round??!?
• "Full of chewy tannins"  -  (Tannin: any of a group of astringent vegetable principles or compounds.) Can't say I'm looking forward to chewing my beverage, but at least now I understand why they had to call out the juicy mouthfeel.

Inging the Movies

 

The following flight of fancy is brought to you by me having seen this graphic and immediately stealing the idea.

However...

I did NOT look at any of the comments where this was posted so I can be truthful in claiming actual authorship of the following flight of fancy.

Schindler's Listing  -  In German-occupied Poland during World War II, industrialist Oskar Schindler becomes a licensed realtor.

The Jungle Booking  -  A singing bear accidentally gets a gig in a VERY remote venue.

The Stinging  -  Paul Newman and Robert Redford put soap in Robert Shaw's eyes.

The Fox and the Hounding  -  A classic tale of a beautiful woman being stalked.

Monsters Incing  -  Mike and Sully are tattoo artists that kant spel.

The Helping  -  Racial tensions rise over who gets the largest slices of chocolate pie.

The Lion Kinging  -  A documentary about Simba's coronation.

Inside Outing  -  An adolescent has a picnic indoors.

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ringing  -  Four hobbits, two men, an elf, a dwarf, and a wizard all attend a tinnitus-sufferer's support group.

Entrapping Those Wild Teenagers: The 403rd Greatest Song of All Time

 

The rockabilly hit, "C'mon Everybody" by Eddie Cochran, is a perfect song for a teenage rebel to sing. It's got that classic early rock-and-roll groove and the lyrics? Boy howdy, it's like an episode of Dobie Gillis...

Eddie invites all the gang over to his house because he's tired of doing homework all week long and his parents are gone. He's "got some money in [his] jeans" that he's apparently going to use to get some food and..ahem...liquid refreshment.

And they are gonna dance up a storm! He and his girlfriend, of course, but he says he's gonna spread the love around and dance with 3 or 4 others as well. It'll be so loud and energetic that the house will actually rock!

In a rare burst of acknowledging reality, Eddie recognizes there may be some unpleasant consequences for him throwing this party:

A-well, we'll really have a party but we gotta put a guard outside

A-if the folks come a-home I'm afraid they're gonna have my hide

They'll be no more movies for a week or two

No more runnin' round with the usual crew

Who cares, c'mon everybody

All of this would be both fine and dandy if it weren't for one thing...Mr. Cochran was 20 years old when he wrote this song.

That strikes me as just the teeniest bit creepy, doncha think?

Sounds Like a Poem

 

'Tis a vile vial lifted to his lips; poison poised at its rim
If he drinks the draft, his life will leave
The prospects he's left? Quite dim

He dreads the dregs but drains it dry. He breathes a breath, aquiver
Shivering, shaking, quaking, quitting
His eyes but silver slivers

If asked, I would accept except for axes on their axes
Spinning on their spines, forbidden
Never ridden in taxis

To add an ad won't aid your aide, I'll advise some advice
Keep your peepers private, people
Put your eyes on ice

I'll walk up the aisle and make an allusion to an ancient illusion, long past
For four fortune tellers to tattle
Left me aghast, so I gasped

24,472 Days and Counting

 

According to Calculate How Many Days You Have Lived, today, being the 67th anniversary of my birth, I am 24,472 days old.

That's 3,496 weeks.

3,496 Monday mornings.

24, 472 instances of closing my eyes and entering the altered state of consciousness known as sleep.

If I've averaged eight hours of sleep a night, I have been asleep for over 22 years.

Then why am I always so tired??!?

The Poetic Obscurity of Dylan: The 404th Greatest Song of All Time

 

I had never heard Bob Dylan's "Visions of Johanna" before, so I figured if I were going to write about it here, I should lend an ear and decide if it was queer or whether I should steer you readers to draw near without fear, pour yourselves a beer or something more clear, and perhaps offer up a cheer.

And the reason I wrote that opening sentence like that was to give you an example of how Dylan wrote this song. I honestly think he just kept adding phrases, not because they contributed to any kind of overarching, sensible narrative, but because he had thought of another rhyme.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I gave the almighty artificial stupidity a chance to visualize some of Dylan's supposed imagery:

Louise holds a handful of rain, tempting you to defy it

Empty lot where the ladies play blindman's bluff with the key chain

The ghost of electricity howls in the bones of her face

Muttering small talk at the wall while I'm in the hall

Jewels and binoculars hang from the head of the mule

And while I'm belittling the man's artistry...you know all those people who do impressions of Dylan speak-singing without carrying a recognizable tune?

Yeah...they're all spot on.

Stuph That Has No Reason Being in My Head, Vol. V

 

The amazing pain-killer Excedrine is just aspirin with caffeine.

I can't listen to Cat Stevens' "Wild World" anymore without being distracted by the clicking sound of the guitar pick.

Silver sliver. Silver sliver. Silver sliver.

The first VHS movie I ever purchased was Honey I Shrunk the Kids, and the purchase was made before we even had a tape player.

The first DVD movie I ever purchased was the box set for all three parts of Back to the Future, and the purchase was made before we even had a DVD player.

New Jersey is the only state that has no rural areas.

If you let a mixture of lemonade and Dr Pepper sit, they will separate, with the lemonade on the bottom.

Two-thirds of Canadians live south of Seattle.

Dewey Does AI

 

Thanks to huggingface.co's AI Comic Factory, I have determined once and for all that the human race has nothing to fear from The Machines.

I gave the technological wonder the absolutely fictional prompt, "Humorist named dewey loses his ability to be funny and resorts to artificial intelligence to write his blog," and the instruction to draw in the style of Superman comics from the 1950s.

Behold the output...

Dewey's comedy career may be going downhill, but his obsession with technology is reaching new heights

[I told Mr. A. I. Technopants to make "Dewey" in his mid-50's with a salt-and-pepper mustache and goatee, but noOOoo. Also, note the strange activity with his right sleeve. And just how many fingers does a person need on their left hand?]

Dewey's desperate attempt at humor has taken a curious turn. Is AI the future of comedy?

[This three-armed visitor from another planet appears to be wearing a red muff. I don't even want to think about what's going on with his deformed hand pinching a 3D laptop screen or whatever the farnsworth that is.]

Dewey's last-ditch effort to revive his career leads him to a coffee house, where he introduces "Haha" to the spiky-haired Artie

[Superman is going to be identified as either Clark Kent or Popeye, where is the thumb that's on the drink between the romantically entwined hands coming from, and don't get me started on the misshapen mob of misanthropes in the background.]

Avocados? A rant from a tuna? Dewey's fresh material leaves Artie bemused without being convinced

[It seems that Superman's chest and left bicep are conjoined. I'm pretty sure everyone's hands are made of Silly Putty, but the really disturbing thing here is whatever is going on with Superman's groinal area...Great Caesar's Ghost!]

When a Bank Lobby Makes You Feel Romantic: The 405th Greatest Song of All Time

 

We've Only Just Begun began life as a bank commercial.

Paul Williams and Roger Nichols were commissioned by an ad agency to write a song that would be played behind visuals of a couple getting married and then driving off into the sunset: "You've got a long way to go. We'd like to help you get there. The Crocker Bank."

The original TV spot with Paul Williams on vocals
https://youtu.be/97X9huy7pHQ?si=dxOJDYkOjd0wUf_S

But what if they wrote a long-form jingle instead of a generic love song?

We've only just begun to save

Fifty bucks each pay period

Compounding interest, we're on our way

We've only begun

Before we order checks we cry

So many styles to choose

Scripture quotes or Looney Tunes?

And yes, we've just begun

Pooling resources is so new to us

What's mine is yours, what's yours is mine

Talking it over just the two of us

Fed savings bonds work out in time

Together

And when the monthly fees increase

We'll clean out our accounts

We'll find a bank with no overdraft charge

And yes, we've just begun

Almost the News XXIX

 

Real Headlines. Fake News.

Cardinal Convicted of Embezzlement
"It took quite a while to get to federal crime status, considering how little cash at a time that bird could carry in its beak."

Three Injured in Paris Train Station Attack
WHY they attacked, we may never know, but their ability to attack, despite the injuries they received in a Paris train station, is noteworthy.

Natural Disasters Taking Toll on Insurers
Local State Farm agent Phil Coffers was refused entrance onto the Lincoln Bridge unless he paid $4 to Hurricane Lulu.

Deaths Reported After Butt Lift Surgery
Statistician Ittle Addup says, "Well, of course people die after having that surgery! No one performs a surgery after the patient dies."

Proposals on Youth Crime Have a Familiar Ring
""Sweetheart, I stole this from your mother. Will you marry me?"

Senator Pushing for Financial Transparency
In a recent press release, Senator John Marty said, "Just think how cool it would be if we could see through a ten-dollar bill!"

Local Athletes Can Call Themselves NCAA Champs
It doesn't make it so, but they can still call themselves champs.

Meaningful Conversation
Kind of sad this is newsworthy, eh?

Housing Officials Offer Homelessness Plan
"You want to become homeless and we can help."

#MakeABandNameLame

 

I know there's a risk of some folks not knowing the original artist names on some of these. Consider it a word puzzle for the musically-challenged.

• Aluminum Foil Zeppelin
• Freddie Pluto & Scullery Maid
• Gray Sabbath

• Jim Morrison & the Accordion Panels
• Mildly Spicy Chili Peppers
• Neil Zirconium
• Peter, Paul, and Maybe
• The Beatless
• The Rolling Stoned
• The Who Cares
• Tom Petty and the Toestubbers
• Two Dog Night
• Wasyonce
• Water pistols ‘N Dandelions 
• Whine Against the Machine
• YY Bottom

If R. Kelly Wrote for Elmer Instead of Michael: 406th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Having been asked by Michael Jordon if he wanted to write a song for his movie (i.e., Space Jam), R. Kelly took on the task and ended up winning a couple Grammys for "I Believe I Can Fly."

But what if Elmer Fudd had posed the question instead of Air Jordan?

I've been hunting wabbits in the forest so wide
With my twusty shotgun by my side.
I tiptoe thwough the bushes so very sly
With a twinkle in my eye, I bewieve I can fwy

I bewieve I can fwy
I bewieve I can touch the sky
I think about it every day, as I hunt wabbits all the way
I bewieve I can soar, I'm an expert on the lore
I bewieve I can fwy, I bewieve I can fwy

I'll sneak up on that wabbit, oh so quiet
With my carrot bait, I'll ignite the wiot
With Elmer Fudd's skills, I'm the king of the sky
In pursuit of wabbits, I bewieve I can fwy.

I'll build a giant twap to catch Bugs in my wap
With a chuckle and a gwin, it's the wabbit's final spin
Thwough the air I'll glide on my hunting spwee so wide
With Elmer Fudd's gwace, I bewieve I can fwy

(Thanks, ChatGPT.)