Paradise Lost

 

With a release date of August 1987, and being recorded by Guns n' Roses, the 453rd greatest song of all time, "Paradise City," falls well outside the boundary of songs I give one-half a rip about.

At least that's the first thing I felt like saying about this song. Then I went and did it...I actually listened to it.

And I must confess that I like the sound. Hooky, upbeat guitar riffs with vocals that are incoherent enough to stay out of the way of enjoying the sheer Rockosity of it all.

Then I went and did it...I read the words.

And now I'm back to not caring.

The really hurtful thing is that I can say nothing more sarcastic and funny about the song than what Rolling Stone already said:

For nearly seven minutes, they expound on the joys of green grass, pretty girls, and toxic chemicals. In a typically tasteful G n' R move, the video features footage of the band's 1988 gig at Castle Donington in the U.K. -- where two fans were crushed to death.

Tastefulness, empathy, and compassion. That's Paradise City right there.

Observed Absurdities™ 50 - Dog: It's What's for Dinner

 

I like how shopping at our local discount food store saves Beloved and me money on our bi-weekly grocery shopping adventures.

However...

I think I would really rather not know about all their cost-cutting measures.

For instance...

Apparently, it's more expensive to milk cows and process cheese than it is to shred canine flesh:

Yee-IKES!

Bordering On Y Words

 

A picayune unit from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

YACHT (acronym)  -  You Actually Covet Having This

YACK (acronym)  -  Young Americans Continually Kibitzing

Yaffle (n)  -  A two-day-old waffle

Yahoo (n)  -  A young adult owl

Yak (n)  -  A large, shaggy-hairy Tibetan ox with a mating call that sounds like vomiting.

Yale (n)  -  The penultimate version of a dark malt beverage

Yammer (n)  -  Verbal tool used to bore people to tears

Yams (n)  -  Sweet potatoes that self-identify as a different vegetable

Yank (v)  -  To pull quickly on someone as if they were from the northern United States.

Yearn (pronoun)  -  Belongin' to y'all; "Hey, is this here coondawg yearn?"

He's My Sweet, So Fine Lord - The 454th Greatest Songs of All Time

 

Okay...it's no new thing to point out that George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord" and The Chiffons' "He's So Fine" are for all intense porpoises melodically equal. The claim has even been held up in court, with the quiet ex-Beatle being found guilty of "subconscious plagiarism" and paying over 1.5 million dollars of his income from "Lord" to the corporation that owns the copyright for "He's So Fine", Bright Tunes.

Sounds more like a very bright lawyer to me.

It does bring several questions to mind, though:

• If the two songs are so much alike, why isn't "He's So Fine" somewhere on the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list, too?

• If "My Sweet Lord" is such a great song, why do I hate it when it gets stuck on an endless loop in my head? (Which it has been ever since starting this post.)

• If 1.5 million dollars is just a portion of George's proceeds from "My Sweet Lord" ... how much did he haul in for just this one song?!!? Hot farnsworth!

• What song should I subconsciously plagiarize as part of my retirement plan?

 

#AmericanizeAMovie

 

In honor of the upcoming Independence Day Neighborhood Explosion Competition, let us ponder the restructuring of some of our favorite movies to emphasize Truth, Justice, and the American Way.

The Obesity Games  -  Katniss Everfull eats her way to victory.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of ICE  -  Harry and Ronald are detained at the border.

The Wizard of Odds  -  Biopic about the creation of Ripley's Believe It or Not.

Pride and Prejudice  -  Uhhhh yep.

Singin' on the Train  -  A musical set on a cross-country Amtrack experience.

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Greed  -  Famed archeologist, Dr. Henry Jones, Jr., stumbles upon a secret cult of hedge fund managers.

Saving Ryan's Privates  -  I.T. security in the porn industry.

Willy Wonka and the Undocumented Chocolate Factory Workers  -  Just exactly what is the immigration status of all those Oompa-Loompas?

Forest Dump  -  A documentary about secret stashes of old washing machines, Corvairs, and mattresses.

It's a Wonderful Lie  -  Political intrigue...or...business as usual.