Friday, December 27, 2013

Dewey the Stripper

Here we are, on the cusp of a new year, never knowing where we're going ("well it's hard to go wrong" -Rich Mullins, "Higher Education and the Book of Love").

And so, a look back at a FaceBook app that ended up being an early Christmas present for many, a source of embarrassment for a few, and a generator of grins and giggles for most. Thank you, Bitstrips, for making the following possible. And have a happy new year!


Friday, December 20, 2013

Almost the Truthlets, the Fourth

If you haven't been hanging out at Almost the Truth's FaceBook page, first of all, shame on you; second of all, you've been missing The Morning Games, a series of light-hearted trivial pursuits involving movie quotes, song lyrics, sound snippets, and So Much More; and third of all, you've also missed the weekly status updates affectionately called "Almost the Truthlets."


At least there's a cure for the third...behold:



  • You don’t tug on Superman’s cape. You don’t spit into the wind. You don’t pull the mask off the ol’ Lone Ranger, and you don’t wear athletic shoes with a double-breasted Chinese silk dinner jacket.
  • Talking to plants has been proven to make you look like an idiot.
  • Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up saying, "How was I wishing on a star during the day...while I was asleep?!?!"
  • I've had it up to here with U...and V and W aren't winning any awards in my book either!
  • There's a bright golden haze on the meadow...somebody call the fire department!
  • Wake up and smell the dried phlegm encrusted on the pillow of your sorry existence.
  • Just got accepted into the Sarcastic Men of America Roundtable Taunting Intelligence Effusing Society (SMARTIES)
  • #AddaWordRuinaChristianBook   My Utmost for the Highest Bidder
  • Ooh, I need your gloves, babe; guess you know it's cold. And if push comes to shove, babe, I'll steal them; I'm that bold.
  • McDonald's...I'm shovelin' it
  • We were out on a date in my daddy's car. We hadn't pushed it very far. There in the road, straight ahead: a large hill; our chances were dead.
  • When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that'll leave a mark.
  • If you can't say anything nice, at least make sure your sarcasm is witty.

By the way...what musical group does the above illustration bring to mind?

Friday, December 13, 2013

A Picture's Worth...Not Much

In a raging fit of boredom, Big Brother, Inc. co-worker, Queen CanDo, sent a few of us BBers the following picture:


Humorous, to be sure, but seeing as how the whole HeeHaw Gang of us had nothing to do, edits were made, subsequent versions were distributed, and we ended up changing the poor thing to THIS monstrosity:


Oh well...beats workin'...

Friday, December 6, 2013

Factoid-A-Rama

Once again, our heartfelt thanks go out to Uncle John's Bathroom Reader for cluing us in on the following flights of fanciful fact.


  • Cleopatra used cucumber juice as a skin lotion.
  • Elvis Presley always wore a helmet while watching football on TV. [Safety first, I always say.]
  • A German folk remedy: to quiet a teething baby, rub its gums with sheep brains. [Now...how did the Germans ever stumble across this? "I can't take this crying anymore! Hit the kid in the mouth with this open sheep skull!"]
  • 26% of American children under the age of two have a TV in their room.





  • It costs a zoo five times more to keep a panda than it does to keep an elephant. [Shoot...that bamboo doesn't come cheap, you know.]
  • One of the most widely recognized scents in the world is baby powder. [If chalk powder is tiny bits of chalk...]
  • In 1994, a man escaped from a West Virginia prison using a rope made of dental floss.
  • Sauerkraut was invented by the Chinese. [Apparently, the Germans did something to offend them (probably involving sheep brains), so they wanted to get even.]
  • The average carrot has to travel 1, 836 miles to reach your dinner table. [All without a driver's license!]
  • There are 40,000 toilet-related injuries annually in the U.S. [Good thing I'm not related to a toilet.]
  • The average unwanted can of food sits in the cupboard 2.7 years before being thrown away. [Methinks I may be raising the average on that.]
  • With a total of 300 million tires a year, the world's largest tire manufacturer makes the world's smallest tires. We're talking about Lego.
  • The Romans wore socks with their sandals. [File under: Ancient Nerds]
  • Walt Disney World uses 194,871 miles of toilet paper every year. [That stat just wipes me out.]

Friday, November 29, 2013

Thanksgaving

Here on the day after Thanksgiving, as I practice my annual Black Friday Hermitage...avoiding all contact with the retail world...stand back as I almost reflect on some things that make life livable:


Skyline Chili...Thank you, Nicholas Lambrinides, for bringing your deep-sigh-inducing magic from Kastoria, Greece to Cincinnati, Ohio. (Click here for an up-close and personal look at this culinary delight.)

Captain Philips...Thank you, Tom Hanks, for the last 5 minutes of this film. Your character was on the verge of physical collapse and emotional breakdown, and my heart was racing. I see a third Oscar in your immediate future.

Kotulas.com...Thank you, Guys With the Goods, for having a site that makes me grin, even though I have never, and probably never will, buy anything from you. Somehow, the world seems like a better place, just knowing that I could buy a Beard Head Barbarian Roadie Hat if I wanted to.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...Thank you, Douglas Adams, for the most hilarious 5-book trilogy ever published. Also, the ONLY 5-book trilogy ever published, but that's beside the point. Or, perhaps, beyond the point. At any rate, it is NOT the point.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Seriously...How Old DO I Look?

Speaking of people thinking I'm older than what I think I come across as being (and we WERE speaking of that; just look here), it has gotten so bad that even FaceBook, which certainly knows my actual factual age (along with my work history, eating habits, and favorite color of undergarment), keeps showing me the following ad, and I can't understand why.


I REALLY AM NOT THAT OLD, OKAY?!!?

Friday, November 15, 2013

Bohemian Joke's On Me

In addition to my chores as a technical writer for Big Brother, Inc. and choreographer/actor/acting coach for Giant Step Theatre, I semi-recently started Working Retail in order to be able to make car payments. It was during an all-too-infrequent lull while Working Retail that I spontaneously began singing: "Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide; no escape from reality..."

My kinky-haired co-worker, TommiBoi, interrupted by asking, "Who sings that?"

Always one willing to educate the masses, I answered, "Queen."

Her quick comeback: "Let's keep it that way."

That gave me a hearty laugh, which surprised her, because she said that jab had been around for a long time.


Still, I was tickled enough by the incident that I told the worship team about it Sunday morning after rehearsal. It was then that the truly delicious dropkick to my ego was administered.

Fellow worship team member and faithful reader, Beckster WhassupWiddat, innocently looked at me and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I can't believe no one has ever said that to you before."

*  *  *  *  *  *  *
I think I peed a little.

Friday, November 8, 2013

How Old Do I LOOK?!!?

Daughter Number Two, BuckEye, recently posted a list of several places of business that give discounts to People Of A Certain Age...and I'm not talking the to-be-expected threshold of 65, either. No-sirree. There are restaurants that offer, upon request, discounts of 10-20% just because a person has somehow managed to reach the age of 55!

Having just returned from a week of vacation, there were no leftovers in the fridge to take to work for lunch, so I decided to test the validity of BuckEye's sources and went to the local McWenarbellkinway's.


I thought they might want to see my driver's license to verify my age, so I skipped the drive-through and walked inside.

"I'd like a Number Six, large, with the senior discount."

The toddler who was barely standing at the cash register did NOT ask to see my I.D.

She did not do a double-take and go on and on about how I couldn't possibly be 55.

She did absolutely nothing that would make me want to step outside the norm and actually tip a fast food worker.

Dag nabbit.

Friday, November 1, 2013

Mr. Bean to the Rescue

According to @UberFacts (and who would dare doubt that bastion of factitude?), the actor Rowan Atkinson...most well-known for his character, Mr. Bean...once saved a plane from crashing, saving his two children and wife after the pilot passed out.

After exhaustive research (of course, when in research mode, it doesn't take much to exhaust me), I have determined that the incident really did transpire...almost like this:


Mr. Atkinson was being given a tour of the plane and was invited to enter the cockpit. He was having trouble opening the door, and just as he was hitting it with his shoulder for the third time, the door opened and RA fell into the cockpit, not only knocking the pilot forward...putting the small plane into what could be kindly called "a rapid descent", but what most learned professionals would conservatively estimate to be "a nosedive of doom"...but also knocking the pilot well out of the state-of-being widely-known as "consciousness".

A frantic patting of the pilot's hands soon changed to slapping his face, which progressed to shaking him violently; none of which brought the short-term coma to an end. A glass of water was procured from the horrified flight attendant and emptied into the pilot's face. Well, Mr. Atkinson tried to splash the pilot's face, but only succeeded in dowsing the control panel, which immediately began to sputter, spark, and emit an acrid smoke.

Infused with both a sudden and false sense of competency, RA grabbed the plane's yoke (i.e., steering wheel thingy) and pulled it back in an attempt to bring the plane out of its dive. He was immediately successful at having the yoke break off into his hands. Not knowing what to do with the now-useless bit of hardware, he tossed the broken yoke over his shoulder, hitting the hovering flight attendant and knocking her into the previously-superfluous co-pilot's steering wheel thingy, which pulled the plane out of its kamikaze impersonation.

At just that moment, the shorted control panel shut down the engine and the small plane glided safely to a landing in the drive-through lane of a local Taco Juanita.

When the pilot regained consciousness, he had no memory of what caused the incident and bought (mister) bean burritos for everyone involved. Muy bueno!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Observed Absurdities™ 11 - Get Well Soon

HUGE THANKS to faithful reader, Drewcifer, for passing along the following fine photo.


File this under Too Little Too Late.

Friday, October 18, 2013

Crushing Cultural Touchstones

Last week's post about how AngelFace didn't know who The Fifth Dimension or the Mamas and Papas were reminded me of these inspired panels from the comic strip Sally Forth, created by Greg Howard, but currently written and drawn by Frencesco Marciuliano and Craig MacIntosh.

Apparently, in daily strips published during the week before this one, Sally and her husband, Ted, have been experiencing some marital conflict...which did not go unnoticed by their 12-year-old daughter, Hilary. The good news is, they've patched things up.


...and now, for the payoff...


Friday, October 11, 2013

Who Are You And What Have You Done With My Daughter?

I've always felt like I've done an acceptable job of fathering our oldest daughter, AngelFace, but now I'm not so sure.

I was sitting at the dining room table, listening to a CD I had just purchased: a two-disc set of the greatest hits of The Fifth Dimension.


AngelFace was passing through and asked, "What are you listening to?"

First of all, you need to understand that I was not sitting at the dining room table using headphones/earbuds/personal music-listening apparatuses to privately listen to the CD I had just purchased. The music was being played...out loud...audible to any and all personages in the room.

So right away, I was slightly concerned with my oldest daughter's inquiry. She could hear what I was listening to...why did she need to ask me what I was listening to?

Second of all, let me remind you that these were big-time radio hits from the group, not some esoteric, deep album cuts.

Swallowing my disconcernosity, I replied, "The Fifth Dimension."

In response to the blank look on AngelFace's face, I continued, "You know...'Let the sunshine; let the sunshine in'...'Up, up and away in my beautiful, my beautiful baloooooon'?"

AngelFace: "I kinda recognize that first one. Didn't ActorBoy sing that in OnStage at school?"

"Yes, but c'mon...The Fifth Dimension! One Less Bell to Answer? I Got the Wedding Bell Blues? They're like the black Mamas and Papas."

It was then AngelFace asked the question I never thought I would hear coming from the mouth of any of my offspring...

"Who are the Mamas and Papas?"


We should get the results of the paternity test tomorrow.

Friday, October 4, 2013

A Drink from the Fount of Knowledge



A refreshing blast of actual actualities: 

  • In Maine, it is illegal to have outdoor Christmas decorations past January 14th.
  • China has more English-speaking residents than the United States.
  • UPS trucks get 15,000 parking tickets in New York City every month.
  • In New Jersey, it is illegal to wear a bulletproof vest while committing murder. [So…if I do wear one, is it proof that the murder was not pre-planned?]
  • The average mobile phone contains more bacteria than the average toilet seat. [Maybe we should start sitting on our phones…just to clean them up a bit.]
  • The filling in Oreo cookies was originally made of pork fat. [The perfect snack…Bacon Oreos!]

  • According to the British Journal of Cancer, eating pickles regularly can double your risk of developing esophageal cancer. [What if a person eats them irregularly…like…while standing on their head or in a bowl of stir-fry chicken?]
  • You are more likely to get attacked by a cow than a shark.
  • Farting can help reduce high blood pressure and is beneficial to your health. [Assuming you are the farter and not the fartee]
  • Sarcasm increases oxygen to the brain, which also keeps the brain from overheating. [Assuming you are the sarcaser and not the sarcasee…no wonder my brain is so cool]
  • The guy who voiced the Pillsbury Doughboy’s laugh was making the equivalent of over $300,000 a year just for that laugh. [This kind of ticked me off…then depressed me…then I started wondering what “the equivalent of” meant…was he paid off in crescent rolls?]

Friday, September 27, 2013

Apparently, This Really Sucks

I was taken aback recently as I was scrolling through a "TV's Most Popular Items" webpage, courtesy of Publishers Clearinghouse and my relentless work at giving God an opportunity to test my ability to handle a financial windfall. In the midst of collections of Huge Hits from various musical genres and a hose that shrinks like a frightened turtle, there was an ad for a mini-marvel called, WaxVac.



While I'm not all that excited about the idea of sticking a vacuum cleaner in my ear, the possibility of sucking my brains out wasn't what threw me off balance. The source of my startle was the marketing phrase used as a headline for the ad: "Help Get Rid of Moisture and Debris"

DEBRIS?!!?


I took the risk of having my idea of what constituted "debris" smashed to pieces and looked the word up at Dictionary.com. The good news is, my understanding of the term was validated:

de-bris [duh-bree]
noun

1. the remains of anything broken down or destroyed; ruins; rubble: the debris of buildings after an air raid.

2. Geology.  an accumulation of loose fragments of rock.

Synonyms: detritus, litter, trash


*  *  *  *  *  *  *


The bad news is the thought of needing to suck any of that out of my ear! YIKES!

Friday, September 20, 2013

Funniest. Fact. Ever.

You can thank the Twitterverse for this. And no, I have no explanation as to why I find it so hilarious.

Perhaps it is my perverse twistedness.

Not Common Facts™  @NotCommonFacts
The CIA once spent $20 million on a cat equipped with gear to spy on the Soviets, but it was hit by a taxi.
*  *  *  *  *  *  *


Friday, September 13, 2013

Almost the Truthlets, the Third

From the weekly status updates on the Almost the Truth™ Publishing FaceBook page and @deweyroth's Twitter Tweetosity:


  • Every day in every way, I’m getting a little bit older.
  • I’ve got a knows for gnus.
  • Speak softly and carry a big megaphone.
  • Can’t wait for the annual Memorial Day SnowFort Competition!
  • An apple a day gives the grocer his pay.
  • Patty Cake, Patty Cake…Is that Pan’s sister?
  • Late to bed, early to rise, makes you bleary and dark ‘round the eyes.
  • I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I screw it up royally.
  • The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. The lack of a fear of heights is the beginning of one’s downfall.
  • We got Trouble right here in River City; with a capital T, that rhymes with P, and that stands for Pimples.
  • Angelina Jolie announced today that her children are actually animated statues made from tissue farmed from her lips.
  • Permanent Press…apparently means “You can iron this shirt all you want, but these wrinkles aren’t going ANYwhere.”
  • Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Nope…it’s a bird…definitely a bird…I don’t know…wait…I need to clean off my glasses.
  • Here she comes, just a waddlin’ down the street, singing “Do-wah Daisy Duck, waddling you do.”
  • What’s good for the loose is good for the randier.
  • Do a little dance, make a little soup, get splashed on tonight.
  • When the going gets tough, take a laxative.
  • My memory is so good, I sometimes remember things that never even happened.
  • Oh, I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen stuff burn up and water fall from the sky. I’ve seen rapid oxidation and liquid precipitation.
  • When it pains, it sores.
  • Oh Auntie Em, there’s no business like show business…well…no business I know.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Look Out, Mickey! Here They Come!

In an attempt to slake my readers' insatiable thirst for factual facts, I have recently begun following a few Twitter feeds purporting to tweet actual actualities of an unexpected and surprising nature.

I must say that I was definitely not expecting to read a particular post from UberFacts, and that it certainly surprised me...to the point of not really being convinced of its truthosity. Tell me what you think:

Every night after closing time, Disneyland releases over 200 feral cats to roam the park and keep the rodent population under control.

Are you KIDDING me?!!?



To my way of thinking (now there's a scary thought), this raises several questions:


  • Do they make sure the guy in the Mickey outfit is in the parking lot before The Hunt begins?
  • What happens to all those cats the next morning? Does Disney release 200 wild dingoes?
  • Just where does one go to procure 73,000 feral cats a year?
  • I'm assuming Disney keeps those cats hungry during the day so they'll be motivated to "keep the rodent population under control" at night. Is PETA okay with this?
  • Do you think they play music while this is going on? "WE let the cats out! Meow! Meow! Meow-meow!"

Friday, August 30, 2013

U R Not the Boss of Me!



A little bird told me that humans aren't as influential as they would like to think.



And the really surprising thing to me is that the sign isn't streaked with white "paint" to boot.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Almost the News XX

Man Found Fatally Shot On North Side
At least...it was his north side when they found him. He may have been facing the other way when he got shot.

Jay Cooke Bridge To Be Replaced By Fall
Why use a bridge when you can, instead, get to know the St. Louis River up close and personal? 



Emmer Says He'll Run For Congress
"They're too old and fat to run themselves...without a high risk for a heart attack."

Cleric Says Protests Against Morsi OK
Eygpt's top Muslim cleric declared, "The chants could have been more rhythmic, and the turnout was a little weak, but all-in-all, I'd give them 3 out of 4 stars."

Kurds Vow to Fight Rebels After Car Bomb
"As soon as we finish kicking this car bomb's patootie, we're going to open a can of Whole-Lotta-Hurt on those rebels."

Lost Civilization Scholars Re-Create 4,000-Year-Old-Brew
College professors of the Sumerian Tsuangzii tribe describe the ancient-styled beer: "Yes...it is just as flat and dusty as you would expect from a centuries-old bottle of Bud."

Friday, August 16, 2013

Famous-ish Last Words

Probably too much weight has been placed upon what a person's final words on Planet Earth are...were...have been, but that won't stop me from quoting a few that I've found to be particularly fitting...funny...ironic (with thanks to the site, Brain Candy, for most of these).



P. T. Barnum: How were the receipts today at Madison Square Garden?

John Barrymore: Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.

Lou Costello: That was the best ice-cream soda I ever tasted.

Bing Crosby: That was a great game of golf, fellers.

Humphrey Bogart: I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.

Jack Daniels: One last drink, please.

Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian: I am about to - or I am going to - die: either expression is correct.

Oscar Wilde: Either that wallpaper goes, or I do.

Pancho Villa: Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

General John Sedgwick, Union Commander, killed in battle during U.S. Civil War: They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Friday, August 9, 2013

Utrechtse Vroedschap

In last week's post, as part of a listing of historic events that have happened on my birthday, the name Utrechtse Vroedschap was mentioned. At the time, I didn't know anything about the person, other than the fact that he "fled" on the second day of August, 1786.

With my curiosity piqued, I turned to the World Wide Wackfest to educate me on this fleet-footed individual.

The first shocking discovery was that The Seat of All Knowledge, Wikipedia, has no entry for Utrechtse Vroedschap.

The second discovery is that, except for the same one-line notice of the date of his "fleeing" on different history-list sites, all mention of good ol' Utrechtse are in Dutch.

So, with thanks to mechanical translator Babelfish, here's what I've learned:

1. Utrechtse Vroedschap isn't a person at all, but is the council of a city named Utrechtse.


2. From the website for the University of Utrecht: The name or the Utrecht University had in Amersfoort. In the seventeenth century wanted to both Utrecht and Amersfoort a University. The provincial government supported Amersfoort, Utrecht afleyding because "too many youth would provide to the line supervisor won't." In 1634 the Utrecht City Council decided therefore itself a Illustre School for higher education. This illustrious School of Utrecht had three faculties – theology, law, and philosophy – and four professors.

3. Yeah, I know...still nothing about any August 2, 1786 fleeing.

4. According to http://www.sporenvanslavernijutrecht.nl, Quint Ondaatje was one of the founders and leaders of the Civil Pro Patria et Libertate which amply offset the increasing power of the Utrecht city council, the town council. In 1785, came the patriots, supported by the Utrecht inhabitants rebelled against the corruption of the Utrecht city fathers. The regents admitted.

However, once the danger had passed, the Utrecht directors blah, blah, blah....

In 1786, it came to a new uprising. After several months the militia sent the town council home, and was a Patriot board to power.

So, it wasn't so much fleeing as it was being chased out of town. And I am still left with the burning question...

Why has this local skirmish in the 18th century made it onto lists of Important Events on This Date??!?!?

The world may never know...and probably doesn't care.

Friday, August 2, 2013

If I Was Jesus, Today Would Be Christmas

During my growing-up years, I was always slightly bummed by the lack of any universally-celebrated holidays in August. It seemed like my birthday was the only event in the month, and THAT certainly wasn't anything for most people to commemorate. But with a little research at History Orb, I have found that even just my date of birth has plenty of memorable events to brag about. Look at what all has happened on August 2nd...



1542 - French troops leave Flanders
1610 - Henry Hudson enters Hudson Bay...only...it wasn't called that at the time...yeah...you understand
1776 - Formal signing of the U.S. Declaration of Independence by 56 people
1786 - Utrechtse Vroedschap flees (I don't have any idea what that's all about. I just like the thought of all you readers trying to pronounce Utrechtse Vroedschap in your heads.)
1819 - First parachute jump in U.S.
1865 - Lewis Carroll publishes Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
1875 - First roller skating rink opens in London
1876 - Wild Bill Hickok shot dead (from behind) while playing poker (He held a pair of aces and a pair of eights)
1909 - First Lincoln head pennies minted
1922 - Alexander Graham Bell dies
1924 - Actor Carroll O'Connor born (All in the Family, Heat of the Night)
1943 - Lt. John F. Kennedy's PT-boat 109 sinks at Solomon Islands
1954 - Darlene Gay Double (nee Roth) was born two minutes too late to be exactly three years older than this blog's author
1957 - "World, meet Dewey. Dewey, meet world."
1961 - Beatles' first gig as the house band of Liverpool's Cavern Club
1991 - Mike Jeffcoat is first American League pitcher to get an RBI since 1972