Saturday, April 25, 2009

Almost the News II

Mexican Police Nab Drug Cartel Heir
In a surprising bit of fighting fire with fire, law enforcement officers in Mexico City grabbed an heir to one of Mexico's most notorious narcotics empires as he was exercising in a city park. The drug lord soon received a non-traceable phone call demanding several million pesos in exchange for the heir's safe return. When asked about the unusual tactic, Sheriff Manuel Transmission stated, "It's the only way we can afford to purchase new cruisers for the precinct."


School Bus Firm to Pay $1.2M for Death Suit
A purchase agreement was finalized today for a school bus to purchase a set of clothing in which to die. (Yeah...I don't get it either...)

Laid-off Workers May Get Help With Cobra
Workers who have lost their jobs at small businesses since the first of September have come up with a unique way of increasing their chances of returning to work. They are threatening their former employers with large snakes.

Soldier Cited in Theft of War Cash
Apparently, either superhuman strength or a lot of heavy equipment was used by Captain Michael Nguyen. Otherwise, how could he make off with a building full of huge brushes and miles of hoses and...wait a minute...that doesn't say "Car Wash," does it?

Kim Jong Il Returns to Public Spotlight
Following a well-received concert of crowd favorites, Korea's president was called back on stage for no less than three encores. It is reported that the thunderous applause and the well-armed soldiers standing at the exits had no correlation whatsoever.

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