Sharing YOUR Wealth: The 429th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Solomon Burke was born in Philadelphia, started preaching at the age of seven, and eventually became the greatest R&B/soul singer you've never heard of.

He was never as big as Wilson Pickett or James Brown, even though he had 26 singles that made the Billboard R&B charts. One of his biggest, which was covered by the Rolling Stones and the Blues Brothers and made it to 429 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time, is "Everybody Needs Somebody to Love."

No, not Stephen Bishop's "Everybody Needs Love."

Not Dean Martin's "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometime."

Not Jefferson Airplane's (or Queen's) "Somebody to Love."

Solomon took the riff that his church's band would play while the offering was being collected and went to town on some new words about love instead of money:

Everybody needs somebody

Everybody needs somebody

Everybody wants somebody to love

Honey to hug

Sugar to kiss

Baby to miss now

Baby to tease

Sometimes to please yeah

And I need you you you

Come to think of it...he didn't change the words all that much:

Everybody needs some money

This church needs some money

Your preacher wants some money to love

Preach it, brother!

Observed Absurdities™ 59 - Egging Me On

 

I saw something while I was facing the store at my part-time job at FastStop that confused me.

First off, let me explain the term "facing the store". I know you might think it means standing outside in the parking lot and turning my attention to the building, but that just isn't correct.

Facing the store  -  v 1) In a retail establishment, turning items on the shelves so potential buyers can see them easily and so the store itself looks neat and orderly. 2) Looking busy for the manager without doing anything too strenuous...like cleaning.

Second off, let me admit that confusing me is not that hard of a task.

Anyway...there I was, straightening shelved items and looking for all the world like a contributing member of society, when I saw a food item that I had never noticed before.

"Omelet Rounds? What the farnsworth are Omelet Rounds?" I thought to myself.

Soon, the answer became apparent...which is not to say the answer gave birth or anything silly like that, it's just that when I looked more closely, it was easy to decipher what Omelet Rounds are. Simply put, they are pre-cooked English-muffin-sized circles of eggs, meat, and cheese.

What a convenient idea!

Then I started reading the label more closely.

Omelets with eggs  -  That's a little redundant, isn't it?
Egg whites  -  That's a little racist, isn't it?
Uncured bacon  -  And I didn't even know it was sick.
Sharp cheddar cheese  -  Need to be careful eating it so as not to cut myself.

But it was the brand name that really sent me back to the list of ingredients and start scratching my head in earnest: "Just Crack an Egg™"

If, as it says in the ingredient list, this product already includes eggs, why call it Just Crack an Egg™?

Am I right?!?

To Boldly Pun Where No One Has Has Ever Groaned Before

 

You've seen them; scattered about the World Wide Wackfest as prolific as bunnies in the spring: Star Trek-themed memes that rely on the twisting of the English language for their humor to hit home.

You need no longer go searching hither and yon to find these excellent examples of extroverted entertainment, fair readers. As a public service, I've gathered the worst of these galactic puns into one space. (HA! I said "space"!)

Behold...

And for the fans of the original series, one more:

The Clash With a Crash of a Song

 

Here we are at Number 430 in Rolling Stone's list of the 500 Greatest Songs of All Time and once again I find myself dealing with a song I had never heard of before reading the list.

Then I listened to "White Man in Hammersmith Palais" by The Clash.

When I woke up, I understood why the song never made a blip on my radar, even though it was released in the spring of 1978 when I was in rehearsal for a production of Godspell in Fort Wayne, Indiana and listening to the radio while traveling to and fro.

Answer: Because it's musically boring and the lyrics are all OVER the place. Allow me to quote the insightful article for the song posted in the world's most-respected repository of knowledge, Wikipedia:

"White Man in Hammersmith Palais" starts by recounting an all-night reggae "showcase" night at the Hammersmith Palais in Shepherd's Bush Road, London. The song then moves away from the disappointing concert to address various other themes, nearly all relating to the state of the United Kingdom at the time. It first gives an anti-violence message, then addresses the state of "wealth distribution" in the UK, promotes unity between black and white youths of the country before moving on to address the state of the British punk rock scene in 1978 which was becoming more mainstream. Included is a jibe at unnamed groups who wear Burton suits. The lyric concludes that the new groups are in it only for money and fame.

The final lines refer to right-wing politics, noting sardonically that things were getting to the point where even Adolf Hitler could expect to be sent a limousine if he “flew in today”.

And then we have to deal with the names of the bandmembers and their contributions to the song

Topper Headon – drums
       Okay, this kind of makes sense, what with the TOP of a drum that gets hit with a stick being called its HEAD.

Paul Simonon – bass guitar
       I suspect this guy's name really is Paul Simon, but in order for him not to be confused with the short half of Simon & Garfunkel, some typesetter somewhere changed "Paul Simon on bass guitar" to "Paul Simonon – bass guitar".

Mick Jones – backing vocals, lead guitar, harmonica
       Someone who does this many musical things should never have allowed himself to be called such a dull name

Joe Strummer – lead vocals, piano
       Shouldn't a guy named Strummer play guitar instead of piano?

But hey...what's in a name? A rose by any other name would still prick your finger.

Hoped-For Headlines for 2023

 

If I had my druthers, we'd all be seeing headlines like these in the coming months.

All Viruses Vacate the Vicinity

27 Years Later, Bill Watterson Reboots Calvin & Hobbes

Twitter Fades Into Nothingness

Minnesota Finally Stops Taxing Social Security Income

Fred Basset Succumbs to the Will of the People and Ceases Publication

M*A*S*H Reunion Sees Hawkeye Delivering the Baby of the World's Oldest Mother...Hotlips

Self-Shoveling Driveways Now Economically Feasible

Political Ads Banned Until September 2024

Digesting Dr Pepper Burns More Calories Than It Contains

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1970s

 

There's just enough time left in the Christmas season to turn some of the biggest hits of the 1970s into seasonal songs of glad tidings.

Reindeer Keep Flyin' Overhead  -  "...and just like the elf whose feet are too big for his bed..."

Bridge Over Troubled Waiter  -  A song of comfort for waitstaff stressed out by all the corporate holiday parties

The Long and Winding Lights  -  "...that are tangled 'round my tree, will never all be lit, they just don't work for me, no"

Fire and Rein  -  The only two things that seem to have an effect on Rudolph's behavior

You Light Up My Tree  -  "...with lights red and green"

Joy to the World  -  "Jeremiah was a reindeer. Was a good friend to all. I never understood a single word he said as he took me to the mall."

How Can You Mend a Broken Toy  -  A lament by the Bee Gees

Thank God I'm a Drummer Boy  -  "When the work's all done and the sun sets low, I pull out my sticks and I really let it go"

Midnight Camel to Bethlehem  -  One of the wise men had a girlfriend he left behind. This is her song.

Cat's in the Manger  -  "And the cat's in the manger with no silver spoon; the little boy king's gonna grow up soon"

The Newly Holidayized Hits of the 1960s

 

The 1960s took us from bobbysoxers to hippies and the hit songs of the decade reflected that evolution. But one constant was the attempt to make a buck by selling Christmas records to the teeming masses.

Elf of the Road  -  A catchy tune about a workshop worker who walks away from the "man of means by no means" and hops a train to where "two hours of pushin' snow buys an 8 by 12 place to go."

Last Sleigh to Anchorage  -  "Take the last sleigh to Anchorage and I'll meet you at the igloo."

Son of a Drummer Man  -  Dusty Springfield celebrates the rum-pa-pum-pum that rocked a certain manger scene.

I Want to Pull Your Sleigh  - "Oh, Santa, say to me, for this Christmas day, Oh please, say to me, you'll let me pull your sleigh! I wanna pull your slay-ay-ayeeay. I wanna pull your sleigh."

I Got You Babe  -  Sonny & Cher sing a lullaby to the newborn king.

The Sound of Jingle Bells  -  "Hello Christmas Eve, my friend, I'm racing through you once again. Because I've got all of these gifts to buy. I wait till now, but I do not know why."

(I Can't Get No) Black Friday Deal  -  A bluesy lament of deep-but-rapidly-disappearing discounts.

Bethlehem Dreamin'  -  "All the trees are palms, and the midnight's clear. It's a silent night, but its full of cheer. There are angels singing 'bout good will to men. Bethlehem dreamin', about the way it was then.