Sheena Is a WHAT?!?: The 457th Greatest Song of All Time

 

Having been a radio disc jockey from the late Seventies through the early Eighties, I've always considered myself fairly well-versed in the popular music of that era. ("Well-versed!" HA! I crack me up!) And then I start working my way through Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time and find out how wrong my self-consideration is.

I had never heard the Ramones' "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker" until just now when I listened to it on YouTube (see video below). 

It was released in May 1977, so I was probably too busy seeing Star Wars in the theater (seven times!) to have noticed the song's feeble rise to Number 81 on the charts. And that's too bad, because it's a catchy little tune reminiscent of the Surf Sounds of the Sixties.

I have two questions, though:

     1. Why did wearing your guitar so low that it required physical contortions to play ever become a thing?

     2. Why write a whole song about a female hockey fan?

"Sheena is...a puck watcher! Sheena is...a puck watcher!"

Observed Absurdities™ 49 - For Your Pseudo-Religious Playtime

 

Okay, you see this picture, right? Let me assure you that it has not been doctored or edited except for cropping off the edges. I personally pushed the button that captured this image and can attest to its authenticity.

Let's be clear: I am not almosting anything about what we're looking at right now.

One strange thing about this Mother of Jesus action figure is that I did not find it in a Christian bookstore. It was not hanging on a rack of church supplies or teaching aids.

"So where DID you see it, Dewey?" asks an astute-and-cherished reader.

I was at the Mall of America in a store that specializes in vintage toys and classic candies: Barrell of Monkeys, Mystery Date, Slow Poke, Kickapoo Joy Juice...that kind of stuph.

So of course, I'm immediately wondering just how old this Mary doll IS?!!?

And what kind of accessories are available?

• Magnificat Megaphone
• Not-Tonight-Joseph Aspirin
• Palestinian Pregnancy Test

One more thing: Because it seems that the doll is not adjustable, I'm really curious why the manufacturer chose this particular pose. I mean, with that one-knee-forward and well-defined chestal area, I think she ought to have her hands on her hips and be slightly turned to one side, with her head tilted back in a devil-may-care laugh.

Hoosier Mama

 

If you've been attentive at the Almost the Truth™ Publishing Facebook page this week, you are aware that the mother formerly known as SweaterGal passed from this life to the next in the early morning hours of Sunday, April 11th.

But fear not, friends, yours truly is not overwhelmed by a flood of grief and regret. SweaterGal was just eleven days shy of the 92nd anniversary of her birthday, and she had been longingly waiting for her day of passing since FlatulenceKing died 6.75 years ago.

Pray, think me not calloused and unfeeling upon my mother's departure from this earthly realm. I have shed tears abundant, lo, these few days since. It's just that writing about all that doesn't do much in the way of reaching the stated goal of this blog, "to heal the world, one grin at a time."

Perhaps it would be helpful for you if I listed some of the decidedly distinctive durr-inducing discoveries I've become reacquainted with during our visit to my home state of Indiana, the home of the Indianapolis 500 and breaded tenderloin sandwiches that make a Big Mac look like a cucumber teacake.

• A remarkably large percentage of the population believe the term "face mask" actually means, "chin strap," apparently.
• The middle of a parking space is a perfectly good place for a grocery cart line-up
• The ratio of gun and ammunition shops to population puts even Texas to shame.
• Six inches shy of a trash can is close enough, I guess
• The act of cleansing one's face, dishes, or motor VEE-hickle is pronounced "warsh".

And I don't even want to think about the "Hey, ain't it great we can all hang out together" camaraderie that leads to THIS design for a public restroom:

And now you know why I am the way I am.

Have fun, Mom. See you soon!

 

Soul Man: The 458th Greatest Song of All Time

 

The year was 1967. John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd didn't know it yet, but their alter egos, The Blues Brothers, were going to need an R & B hit to launch their singing career.

Rising to the challenge were Samuel Moore and David Prater, known more familiarly as PraterMoore, though a very small band of intellectual know-nothings insisted on calling them Sam & Dave.

"Soul Man" was written by Isaac "But I'm Talkin' 'Bout Shaft" Hayes and David "Don't Call Me Natalie" Porter and contains a few jewels of wisdom that have been unequaled to this day:

Comin' to you on a dusty road

Good lovin', I got a truckload

NOT really sure what a truckload

of good lovin' is referring to, but it

sure sounds like it's being

smuggled in from somewhere.

And when you get it, you got something

This phrase ranks right up there with

"It is what it is," said Captain Obvious.

I learned how to love before I could eat

Because the rest of this song leads me to

believe that when he says "love" he's really

referring to between-the-sheets activity,

I have my doubts as to the veracity of this timeline.

When I start lovin', oh, I can't stop

*Ahem* Yeah, well, uh...

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

On a safer note of interesting trivia, the words "Play it, Steve" refer to the guitarist, Steve Cropper, of Booker T and the M.G.s, who played lead guitar for Sam & Dave AND The Blues Brothers!

Untrustworthy U Words

An undersized unit from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Ubiquitous (interjection)  -  Spoken in frustration when a borrowed pen stops working

Udon (n)  -  Japanese sumo fodder

UFO (acronym)  -  Unidentified Frying Object; popularized by inexperienced short-order cooks

Uglification (n)  -  The effect of sobriety upon how that person you went home with from the bar looks to you

UGLY (acronym)  -  Ukrainian Girl Lifting Yaks

Ukelele (n)  -  Hawaiian tool of auditory torture

Ulcer (clause)  -  What will happen when you look past Q

Ulterrier (n)  -  A covert, cryptic, or hidden breed of dog

Ultimate^® (n)  -  Brand name of the most popular android spouse

Ultimatum (n)  -  The abdomen of the most popular android spouse

Musical Gas Pumps 2

 

Faithful readers may recall a post from two years ago spilling the beans about how I sing to people at the fuel pumps at the gas station/convenience store/cigarette emporium I sometimes work at, FastStop. (For a reminder, click here.)

Well, I've added to the jukebox selections since then.

("Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas)

Carry on out at pump one

Come in to pay when you are done

I got one more thing to say:

Don'tcha drive away

("Hey Hey Good Lookin" - Hank Williams)

Hey heyyyyyyy, pump seven

Befooooore you go to heaven

How's about comin' inside to pay

When you're duuuuuun?

"Git-r-dun!"

("Camp Granada" - Allan Sherman)

Hello pump 4

You're getting fuel

Come inside to pay

That'd be so cool

Thanks for choosing

To stop at KwikTrip*

Hope you're smiling and my singing doesn't make you sick

*Had to use the store's real name here to preserve the rhyme

("Folsom Prison Blues" - Johnny Cash)

You're there at pump eleven

Puttin' fuel inside your car

Thanks for choosing FastStop

That proves how smart you arrrrrre

Please come inside to pay

Before you travel too far

Yeah, you're buying gas at FastStop

And you should be a star

("Heartache Tonight" - Eagles)

I see you out there at pump ten

Gettin' gas today

Here's a piece of advice for you:

Come inside to pay

Or there will be a heartache tonight

A heartache tonight, I know

("You Are the Woman" - Firefall)

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

(Extended album cut:)

To drive away and steal all that gas

Well, that's just not your style

Especially after I been singing to you

Tryin' to make you smile

Oh!

You are the person getting fuel at pump six

At FastStop today

And when you're through I'm sure that you'll come inside to pay

P.S. To watch/hear me reading/singing this edition of Almost the Truth, CLICK HERE.

Beware of Falling Rocks: The 459th Greatest Song of All Time

 

It's going to be hard to write about this.

Here we are. We've come to number 459 on Rolling Stone's list of the 500 greatest songs of all time. It's a song that is the name-source for one of the greatest rock-and-roll bands of all time AND the magazine the list appears in.

"Rollin' Stone" is a reworked version of an earlier song, "Catfish Blues," recorded in 1948 by none other than Muddy Waters.

How am I suppose to crack wise about a song with such a pedigree?

Maybe I can fumble around with the artist's name: Muddy Waters. Not to be confused with the former head of the Ohio Department of Transportation, Dusty Rhodes, or the long-time weather guy on Fort Wayne, Indiana's ABC affiliate, Jay Walker.

#TrueStory

Maybe I should chastise the lyricist for the second verse:

I went to my baby's house
and I sit down oh, on her steps.
She said, "Now, come on in now, Muddy.
You know, my husband just now left."

I suppose the minute I call Muddy's morals into question, someone will tell me he's singing about visiting his daughter's house, but waiting for the son-in-law to leave.

#YeahRight