Tower of Babble

It's easy enough to accomplish. Even I got it done with little to no difficulty, so it's sure to be a cinch for someone like you.

And yet, I'M the one putting it in writing here in the super-glamorous environs of blogdom.

What is this "it" of which I speak, you ask? I shall briefly elucidate. It's finding out what happens to some common phrases when submitted to The Great Googly Moogly's mechanical translation services to go from English to Japanese to Spanish to English...

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation: conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. 

becomes

Four scores ago and seven years ago, our father created a new country on this continent dedicated to the proposition that he devised and created freely for all men

If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.

becomes

If you want your opinion, please.

My name is Dewey Roth and I approve this message.

becomes

My name is Dewey Ross and I recognize this message.

You can't rollerskate in a buffalo herd, but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

becomes

You can't skate in a herd of buffalo, but you can be happy if you have a heart.

Starlight, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have the wish I wish tonight.

becomes

Starlight, bright star, the first star I saw tonight, I want tonight, I want tonight.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

becomes

If the wooden chuck is capable of throwing the wood, how much wood throws the wood?

The Stooges Destroy Music As We Know It

The 468th-greatest song of all time, "Search and Destroy" by The Stooges, was written by Iggy Pop while he was wearing his cheetah-patterned leather jacket and "snorting big Chinese rocks of heroin."

And sounds like it.

Everything about it.

Sounds exactly like being strung out.

I'm assuming.

How else do you explain rhyming "napalm" and "A-bomb" by making them sound like "naypam" and "A-bam"?

And hey, Rolling Stone! How does this song get on this list when it never made the charts?

At all.

Ever.

What the What?

I've lost all faith in my "Here, Let Us Help You Write More Betterly" app.

I was writing a post for my other blog, Truth Is..., and wanted to use the word escargot. Having temporarily forgotten the French origin of the word, I failed to include the silent T at the end and my grammar-check app dutifully piped up to inform me that escargo is not a word...but didn't do its normal thing of suggesting what I may have been attempting to spell. All it said was that escargo is an unknown word.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!?

We live in a world where, if you type the word Why into a search engine, the WorldWideWackfest suggests you might be searching for "why is the sky blue", "why do dogs eat grass", "why do cats purr", or "why is my poop green."

Our technology has advanced to the point of being able to complete my thought of How can to possibly be "how can i make extra money", "how can you get herpes", "how can you mend a broken heart", or "how can i watch yellowstone."

You're telling me the amassed knowledge of the known universe couldn't figure out that I was missing a T??!?

Non-Kosher K Words

Just a bit of a kit of Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

Kale (n)  -  1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kaleidoscope (n)  -  A device for scanning identification cards before allowing the purchase of 1,000 bottles of an alcoholic malt beverage

Kalifate (n)  -  The son of Kalifsephen

Karoscene (n)  -  The section of a play or film involving corn syrup

Kayak (n)  -  A large, stocky, shaggy-haired wild ox that comes after a jayak and before an elyak

Kazoo (n)  -  An annoying noisemaker often mistaken for a musical instrument…or maybe the other way around

Keelhaul (v)  -  To transport 1,000 eels

KEG (acronym)  -  Keeping Extra Gallons

Keister (n)  -  One who keists; especially from behind

Kelp (n)  -  The kale of the sea

Musical "Dear John" Letter

Do any of us ever actually pay attention to the words of the songs we sing?

"Sure we do," you say, and rightly so. There are certainly times when we sincerely mean what we sing:

• "Happy birthday to you."
• "I once was lost, but now I'm found."
• "Who let the dogs out?"

But I'm thinking when we jump into a group KaraokeFest, we aren't really taking into consideration the sad, mournful meaning of Carole King's divorce ditty, "It's Too Late".

Maybe if we thought of it as a note found on a bedside table...instead of the 469th-greatest song of all time:

Gerry:

I stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time. There's no denying there's something wrong here. One of us is changing, or maybe we've both just stopped trying.

Baby, it's too late now, though we really did try to make it. I can't hide that something inside has died and I just can't fake it.

It used to be so easy living here with you. You were light and breezy; I knew just what to do. But now...now you look so unhappy, and I feel like a fool.

I hope there'll be good times again for me and you, but staying together just doesn't work anymore. Don't you feel it too? Still...I'm glad for what we had. I loved you once. It was good while it lasted.

But it's too late now, baby.

Carole

*  *  *  *  *  *  *

I have to admit that I don't know why she's still calling him "baby".

YIKES! Maybe it's not about a divorce at all! Maybe Ms. King is singing about abandoning her child!

(This rumor has been brought to you by almostthetruth.com.)

This Is Not What It Appears To Be

My hat goes off, my jaw drops, and my hands get put together for Oy to the Vey's conveyance of a practically-perfect-in-every-way meme. It is the essence of Almost the Truth and should be enshrined:

It also served to inspire me to create the following nonsense.

A Jigger of Just-About J Words

A jumble of gems from Almost the Dictionary: The Almost the Truth™ Dictionary of What Words Ought to Actually Mean: A Lexicon for Parallel Thinkers.

JAB (acronym)  -  Jeering At Bears

Jackal (v)  -  How to raise Alabama high enough to change its tires

Jacket (n)  -  A small jack (perhaps to be used on Rhode Island)

Jackhammer (n)  -  J. C. Hammer's given name

Jackknife (v)  -  Creative parking by semi-truck drivers

Jackpot (v)  -  To steal someone's toilet or marijuana

JADE (acronym)  -  Just Another Dirt Enhancement

Jagger (n)  -  From the German for large-lipped but ugly as sin

Jail (n)  -  Primary example of a word that sounds the same whether pronounced or spelled

Jailhouse (n)  -  Where the jail lives